Hucklebuck Writes a Muck

Fantasy Draft Recap

2008-11-12T08:20:00.000-08:00

The Church League Fantasy Basketball League underwent some major changes this off season and I couldn't be more pleased with the new format. We went from a head-to-head points league that made weekly transactions to an 8 category rotisserie keeper league that makes daily transactions. Already two weeks into the season, I'm thoroughly enjoying the freedom of being able to utilize my entire roster instead of being at the mercy of matchups were I'm stuck with the same lineup for 7 days. Now that the days of benching superstars, due to a lack of games played in a week, is gone I'm hoping a heavy percentage of luck has been cut out of the equation and the most talented teams will be rewarded in the end. Luck is a big factor in all fantasy sports but hopefully it won't be as major
of a factor as it used to be.

And with that said, here are your 2008-09 Cousy's Cagers:

Centers

Player: Brad Miller
Drafted: 12th round, 119th overall pick
Selected over: Ray Allen, Ramon Sessions, Boris Diaw, and Nick Collison
Analysis: Brad Miller is usually a safe 6th-8th round draft pick but his 5-game suspension (for smoking the doob) and 11 million dollar contract probably made him expendable to owners with a thick moral fiber and a tight budget towards the end of the draft. His ability and propensity to shoot from 16-19 feet hurts his field goal percentage but it's hard to argue getting solid free throw percentage and high assists totals from the center position. I don't expect the world from Miller and I don't have to, he was my last pick in the draft. If I get anything in the neighborhood of 12 points, 8 rebounds, and 4 assists per game while shooting 80% from the line I will be ecstatic. And while some Miller owners might be turned off by the emerging games of Spencer Hawes and Jason Thompson, I think their presence will allow Miller to play more efficiently. These big men should be able to play off of each other creating open looks and assist opportunities. Keep hitting the boards Brad and you and I will be just fine.

Player: Marc Gasol
Drafted: 10th round, 99th overall pick
Selected over: Richard Jefferson, Al Harrington, Brook Lopez, and Samuel Dalembert
Analysis: I don't know a lot about Marc Gasol but here is what I did know about Gasol going into the draft. For starters, he is Pau Gasol's brother so he has a pedigree to hang your hat on (if someone said he was Daniel Santiago's brother I wouldn't be as impressed). Secondly, he is one big mother! He's a 7'1'', 265 pound center that has a decent skill set. He's not a complete stiff ala Darko Milicic, but he's not as graceful as his brother Pau. What he is though, is a bruiser and the reigning Spanish League MVP. From what I had seen of him in the Olympics, I could tell he was a basketball player that could do a little of everything, he's not completely one dimensional. And when Hakim Warrick and Darko Milicic are your only competition for minutes in the front court, I'd say you'd have a decent chance of playing 30 plus minutes a night. His highlight of the season thus far is his 27 point, 16 rebound outburst against the Warriors, but in the 4 games since, he's scored double digit points only once and has yet to grab 10 or more rebounds in a single game. He's 23 years old, playing in a new league, in a new country, so hopefully he gets acclimated to his new surroundings soon and can be a double-double machine in the second half for the Cagers.

Forwards

Player: LeBron James
Drafted: 1st round, 2nd overall pick
Selected over: Kobe Bryant, Amare Stoudemire, and Dwyane Wade
Analysis: Last year I had the 2nd pick in the draft and traded down to the 7th slot in hopes of selecting Dwight Howard. The only problem was, the guy I switched draft positions with wanted to move up to the two slot to select, you guessed it, Dwight Howard. Despite having the wool pulled over my eyes, I still had the opportunity to select players like Nash, Stoudemire, Wade, or Chris Paul. But no, I decided to take Pau Gasol with my first round pick instead. Needless to say, I didn't have a great season. So with LeBron James leading the way in 2008-09, I'd say I'm light years ahead of where I was last season. LeBron is a fantasy freak show so I don't need to spend too much breath on what I think he'll do this year. But I did want to say how glad I was to have gotten the 2nd pick instead of the 1st. The owner with the 1st pick took Chris Paul and I was planning on doing the same thing up until the point I read Bill Simmons fantasy basketball preview in which he gave such a glowing recommendation for the King. In that same article Simmons said that you couldn't win your league taking Paul with the #2 overall pick (he had him ranked 4th) but later on in the same article said that the difference between Deron Williams and Chris Paul is that Williams has a chance to be one of the best point guards of his generation while Paul has a chance to be one of the best 25 players ever. In either event, it came down to whether you wanted 4 years of Chris Paul in his prime or two years of LeBron James in his prime and I'm not so sure there is a wrong choice to be had in that scenario.

Player: Danny Granger
Drafted: 3rd round, 22nd overall pick
Selected over: Caron Butler, Jason Richardson, Rudy Gay, and Carlos Boozer
Analysis: I honestly didn't think much about Granger's 2007-08 performance as it was happening. He's a player that could have been taken in the 8th or 9th round last year and everyone would have agreed that that was an OK spot to select him in, and he didn't shine so bright during the year that you stopped yourself in your tracks and told yourself, "I gotta have this guy". I drafted him two years ago and wasn't all that pleased with what I was getting, and he barely cracked the starting lineup most weeks. So when I started to notice that most publications had Granger listed as a 2nd or 3rd round pick I had to take a look at the numbers. What did he do differently last year, that he wasn't doing two years ago? I went ahead and looked at the numbers and noticed that his scoring average went from 13.9 to 19.6. That's nice. He also hauled in 105 more rebounds, dished out 52 more assists, recorded 28 more steals and 23 more blocks, and knocked down 61 more three pointers, all while raising his free throw percentage from 80 to 85%. And he did all of that while playing in two less games. Add in the fact he's making only 2 million dollars this season and that he is both guard and forward eligible, I couldn't pass up on Granger, even if he isn't keeper eligible for next year.

Player: Paul Pierce
Drafted: 4th round, 39th overall pick
Selected over: Kevin Martin, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Pau Gasol
Analysis: The only reason Paul Pierce slipped to the 4th round is because of his 18 million dollar price tag. On talent alone, Pierce proved in the playoffs last year that he could go toe-to-toe with the Kobe's and LeBron's of the world and even out perform them at times. He's usually a rock solid 2nd round or early 3rd round pick and for him to nearly slip into the 4th round was an absolute travesty. He's proved that he is the go-to-guy of the big three and with James Posey out of the picture, I think Pierce might be on the floor a bit more during the regular season. Plus, I think the East as a whole has gotten better and the Celtics shouldn't be able to blow out opponents as easily and with as much regularity as last year. And on a side note, if you didn't tear up (or at least get a quiver lip) during the Celtics championship ring ceremony on opening night, then there's a dark place awaiting your soul. And I agree, the Celtics are not my home team so I have no reason to be emotionally invested with their franchise, but come on. There's no way you could watch that ceremony knowing how much failure those three guys went through to get to that point.....and with the Forest Gump overture playing in the background.....and when the tears started rolling down Pierce's face........that's enough to....... let's just move on.

Player: David Lee
Drafted: 6th round, 59th overall pick
Selected over: Tony Parker, Stephen Jackson, and O.J. Mayo
Analysis: Now that we are two weeks into the season, it is coming to my attention that perhaps Parker, Jackson, or Mayo would have been a better selection. I had no idea Ginobili's absence would have vaulted Parker to such heights. I've also never coveted Parker from a fantasy perspective since he's been in the league so I don't feel as guilty passing on him. Mayo was an unproven entity in the NBA and was slated to go later than the 6th or 7th round (when you draft Mayo that early, you're banking on him being one of your starters and not too many people would have been willing to do that before the season) so I don't regret passing him with the 59th pick. But I had Stephen Jackson ranked as a 5th round talent (49th overall) and I had Lee ranked 70th overall, so I'm not sure why I went with Lee. I guess up to that point in the draft, I still didn't have a pure power forward/center type that could haul in tons of rebounds, so I probably drafted for a category need there. And with Eddy Curry out of the picture (in terms of the starting lineup) and with Mike D'Antoni's run and gun system where anything can happen, I got caught up in grand illusions of Lee playing 37-39 minutes a night, pulling in 12 rebounds on the daily, and him becoming the greatest caucasian thing to happen to basketball since Mark Madsen's post championship celebration dances with the Lakers. So far, Lee is playing less than 30 minutes a game, complaining about born spurs in his ankle, and averaging 6 rebounds a game. If things don't change soon, I probably could switch Mr. Madsen into my lineup and no one would be the wiser. Bad times.

Player: Thaddeus Young
Drafted: 8th round, 79th overall pick
Selected over: Luol Deng, Jeff Green, and T.J. Ford
Analysis: I have been enamored with the Georgia Tech product for as long as I've known of him. Josh Smith had been on my fantasy teams for about 3 of the last 5 years and with his stock ever rising, it's harder and harder to get a hold of him in drafts. So when Thaddeus Young came into my life last season I found my new fantasy heart throb so to speak. Coming out of college, I was under the impression that Young was a very raw player who had good size and loads of athleticism, but needed work on his shot. But as it turns out, even though both Young and Smith are left handed, Thaddeus can actually stroke the ball from long distance. He may not be able to steal and block shots at the rate that Smith does, but all and all I think I have an excellent player on my hands. And this is one of the rare occasions where I didn't reach to draft a guy I really, really wanted. It feels like I got him just at the right point of the draft.

Guards

Player: Kevin Durant
Drafted: 2nd round, 19th overall pick
Selected over: Andre Iguodala, David West, Chris Bosh, and Jose Calderon
Analysis: For all intents and purposes, Kevin Durant was supposed to be a 4th round pick this year. But since this is a keeper league, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to own Durant for at least two seasons. Had Joe Johnson or Carmelo Anthony still been around I would have gone with either of those guys, but Durant is a nice consolation prize. If I didn't take him with my 2nd or 3rd round pick, he wouldn't have been around at the 39th slot in the draft. I enjoy the fact that he has guard eligibility but P.J. Carlesimo needs to play him more at small forward. If Chris Bosh could handle himself playing the 4 with Toronto as a rookie, then I think Durant could handle being at the 3. His numbers from last year don't exactly scream out 2nd round value (20.3 points, 4.4 rebounds, and 2.4 assists) but the vast unknown of what he might become is worth the gamble, to me anyways. When he goes out like he did on Monday and drops 37 points, 8 boards, 3 blocks, 9-9 from the line, 2 threes, and 2 assists, you can't help but get warm fuzzies in your tummies. I'm hoping he makes a Rudy Guy type leap in this his 2nd season in the pros and makes me look good for taking him. The only thing that could possibly stop him are those ugly ass jerseys the Thunder are sporting this year. They remind me of a blander version of the jerseys the Pistons wore in the mid to late 90's, and those jerseys were gawd awful. I miss the Sonics already.

Player: Devin Harris
Drafted: 5th round, 42nd overall pick
Selected over: Yao Ming, Raymond Felton, and Rajon Rondo
Analysis: At this point in the draft, I had LeBron, Durant, Granger, and Pierce, 4 all purpose forwards that can give you a little of everything. I either wanted a point guard or an actual post player that would give me a high FG% and rebounds. In the 5th round, you really can't go wrong with Yao. He's an annual 2nd or 3rd round pick that gives you 1st round production when he's healthy. The only problem is, he's almost never healthy. A healthy Yao would probably have guaranteed my team a top three finish, but I just couldn't handle the risk. Plus, watching Yao labor up and down the court isn't even fun. Now on the other hand, Wisconsin native Devin Harris should be loads of fun to watch as he motors up and down the floor handling the ball for a crappy Nets team. I was under the impression that Harris would be good for 17 points, 4 rebounds, and 7 assists all of which would be career highs. So far, he's posting 18.8 points, 3.8 rebounds, and 4.8 assists. Thus far, the assist totals and minutes played (32.8 a game) are a cause for concern, but hopefully those numbers trend upward as the season progresses.

Player: Chauncey Billups
Drafted: 7th round, 62nd overall pick
Selected over: Marcus Camby, John Salmons, Mike Dunleavy, and Michael Redd
Analysis: If Pierce slipping to the back end of the 4th round was a travesty then consider Billups slippage into 7th round territory a crime against humanity. I realize he's 32-years-old and that Rodney Stuckey was waiting in the wings to vulture some of his minutes, but he is still a top notch point guard in the league. He's a lock for 7 assists a game, nearly 90% from the stripe, a steal a game, and he'll finish in the top 30 for 3-pointers made in a season. And this was the Detroit Pistons version of Chauncey Billups. The Denver version should maintain the high water marks in assists, steals, free throws, and three's and then maybe see an increase in rebounds and points given the high tempo brand of play of the Nuggets. This guy has been drafted as a 3rd or 4th round talent for the last 4 or 5 years so hopefully the drop in production that the other owners were predicting never comes to pass. The Cagers love this pick, especially when Tayshaun Prince (7th round) and Rip Hamilton (9th round) were taken in such close proximity to Mr. Big Shot, which is something that never should have happened.

Player: Mike Miller
Drafted: 9th round, 82 overall pick
Selected over: Corey Maggette, Richard Hamilton, and Zach Randolph
Analysis: I hate to keep beating this drum but Mike Miller was tabbed as a 6th or 7th rounder before the draft and I ended up with him in the 9th round. Last season he averaged 16.4 points, 6.6 rebounds, and 3.4 assists for a crappy Grizzlies squad that had no inside presence. He now plays for a crappy team in Minnesota with Al Jefferson creating double teams on the blocks, so there should be an ample amount of open looks for the one-time Florida Gator. Miller has shown he's capable of hitting 150-200 threes in a season when given enough playing time and touches and he even managed to shoot 50% from the field last year despite all of those attempts from long distance. He's eligible at both guard and forwards positions and the only thing I don't like about this guy is his hair. It needs to be cut. Or I'll cut him.

Player: Kirk Hinrich
Drafted: 11th round, 102 overall pick
Selected over: Manu Ginobili, Beno Udrih, and Russell Westbrook
Analysis: After selecting Hinrich in the 4th round last season and getting absolutely torched by the lowest scoring and assist outputs of his career, you'd think I wouldn't dare go down that road again. And while I didn't waste a 4th, or even a mid-round pick on Hinrich, I did decide to use my second to last pick on the very guard that soiled the Cager name a year ago. I didn't anticipate Derrick Rose flying out of the gates so quickly, and assumed that since rookie point guards usually take a year or two to catch their barrings, maybe Hinrich would still be in line for his usual 6 to 7 assists a game while the Bulls slowly brought Rose along. One or two weeks later, Rose is looking like the real deal and in no need of coddling while Hinrich will be sidelined for three months with a busted thumb. Some people never learn.

Others brought aboard:

Nene Hilario- He's eligible at forward and center and should be in line for more minutes with Marcus Camby now in Los Angeles. He looks to be in good shape and is averaging 14.7 points and 7.6 rebounds so far this season. Lets hope this trend continues.

Kelenna Azubuike- Since the Warriors do not have a true point guard (that Nellie trusts anyway) he is getting 35 minutes a night, averaging 15.7 points, 4.5 rebounds, and 1.18 steals a game. He is G/F eligible and only 24 years old. Nellie could run him for 40 minutes a game and that guy wouldn't tire. Run Azu run.

Jordan Farmar- He's never received the starter's minutes to wow you with great statistics and he's never been on a team that relied heavily on its point guard to create offense, but he is a damn good basketball player. There's not much he can't do and if Derek Fisher ever has to go on the shelf for an extended period of time, I will reap all the benefits, or Farmar will, depending on how you look at it.

Wedding Card

2008-09-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

Do you remember Rosie? That sweet old lady in the movie the Wedding Singer? Well in the movie she reveals to Robbie that she had intercourse with 8 different men before her wedding night. Now assuming the actress who played Rosie got married when she was 20 years old that would have happened around 1938. Pro rate her level of sexual promiscuity in the 30's to today's moral free atmosphere where having premarital sex is as common as eating lunch, I'd say she would have had sex with around 64 different men if she would've gotten married in today's modern era. Thus making her a gigantic slut.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope neither of you have slept with that many people before your special day and if you have, we need to have a talk about a little something I like to call, genital herpes. And if you already know about genital herpes, thanks to first hand experience, and are already taking measures to suppress the outbreaks, then I guess that leaves us with not much else to talk about. And then to that I would say:

Participating in marital relations is like drinking alcohol after turning 21. It may not feel as dangerous anymore but odds are you probably won't do it as often as you get older and you probably won't do it while eating pizza and playing video games. Basically the overall key to any happy marriage is a steady balance of the four major pillars to ball tingling goodness: Sex, Alcohol, Pizza, and Sports. The more the better. And if you can somehow incorporate all four at once, then my hat's off to you both.

Here's to feeling good all the time,

Hucklebuck

Draft #209

2008-01-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

Robert's Got a Crush

Yes it's true, I'm in love. Unfortunately for yours truly, the girl I love doesn't even know I exist. Her name is Kristen Wiig and she works in New York. She's about nine years older than I am and can be seen on T.V. on Saturday nights on some show called SNL. I've grown quite fond of this fair maiden and I figured it was about time I made my feelings known to her. So like any gentleman, I decided to email her eventhough we've never met.

Here is a copy of that email:

Dear Kristen,

Hi, my name is Barry (I'm obviously not going to tell her my real name, it's so damn boring. Besides Barry sounds like a more approachable person, Bob sounds like the guy that fired your dad and put your whole family out into the streets, you know, a real asshole) and I'm writing you today in hopes that you find me to be a charming fellow and someday decide to become my wife. Alright, maybe not my wife, but definitely a girl I could call up from time to time for a random boning. I'd be open to more than just boning, but would prefer that boning be a prevelent part of our relationship equation.

Now I know what you must be thinking, who is this Barry fellow? Well allow me to introduce myself. I'm a 26 year old butcher (Trust me, women love men who know how to handle their meat. It drives them focking insane. If I told her the truth and said I was a switchboard operator she'd piss herself laughing so damn hard and delete the email as her head slammed into the keyboard on her way to the ground to assume the fetal laughing position) currently residing in good old Wisconsin. While some might say that Wisconsin is nothing more than a frozen shithole covered in mosquitos, I've found that it can be a very enchanting place to live and reproduce.

But enough about me, how are things going in New York? I have to admit, you are a knock out, not quite a 10, but definitely a solid 8. If you lived in Wisconsin you'd be a freakin queen compared to all the massive cows roaming this state. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but just from watching you on television I can tell that you smell good, like a cross between a bushel of peaches and a freshly cut two-by-four. And that sense of humor of yours! You're as funny as an alley cat! How do you not have a boyfriend? You must be a bad cook or something? Or maybe you have hairy legs? Whatever your malfunction, I'm sure it's nothing a quarter jug of whiskey couldn't cure.

Enclosed is a case of root beer, a wheel of cheese, and an entire pork shoulder. I hope you find these flavors of the Midwest to be most delectable and that you'll think of me while consuming them whether it is with friends or alone in your apartment. And please don't have one of your fan club representatives write back to me with some generic response that is sent to every Johnny Average because the last time I checked, there wasn't a whole lot of disease free men with a steady job roaming the planet. So if you could, please give "us" a chance, you never know, it might end up being your best move yet.

With warm regards,

Barry

I'm fairly confident this email is the spark that will ignite the flame of passion. Either that, or it will serve as the stepping stone to my very first restraining order.......only time will tell I guess.

Draft #208

2008-01-18T12:17:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Robert. In a recent ranking by Forbes magazine, Robert was voted one of the 10 most unoriginal and boring names on the planet. And while I'd like to think that my name doesn't necessarily describe who I am as a person, I do tend to wonder at times if the name isn't befitting. At my core, I believe I am an incredibly boring individual. Some may consider me to be humerous, but for the most part an evening out with yours truly could be described as marginal at best. I'm not the classical risk taker, I practically avoid anything that could be deemed troublesome at all costs. I get uneasy when jay walking or cutting across a home owner's lawn without first receiving permission.

I've never been able to capture a crowd with stories of rebellion or heroism. The highlight of my most recent weekend was catching the "buy one get one" sale on jumbo sized eggs at the grocery store. Eventhough the scramble egg skillet I whipped up was by all accounts amazing, it's not like that makes for a great story. People with great stories to tell are usually the type of people that can get outside of their comfort zone and try new things no matter how good or bad the end result may be. Removing yourself from your comfort zone may include choices as small as purchasing the Captain Crunch (w/ crunch berries) over the box of Cracklin Oat Bran that has become your staple breakfast choice or it may involve spending your money of hang gliding lessons as opposed to spending it on that new version of Guitar Hero that was just released. And sure, you may be saying to yourself, "Robert, where in the Sam Hill am I going to find hang gliding lessons for only $40?" And you may be right, hang gliding lessons don't sound cheap but the last time I checked, man was able to procure himself a $5 hand job if the proper avenues were explored. On that same logic though, I wouldn't advise anybody taking hang gliding lessons from a crack whore. That might not work out exactly as you had planned. Just saying.

Side note: It is in my most humble opinion that anybody who finds Guitar Hero fascinating, at any level, must suffer from a mental condition so severe it has yet to be diagnosed by the medical industry. To further illustrate my animosity towards this recent phenomena, I've compiled a list of things I'd rather do than rock out on a fake guitar.

1. Eat a batch of frostless cupcakes and wash it down with a steaming glass of rotten tomato juice
2. Wear a neckless made of pickles for a week
3. Watch season one of Who's the Boss
4. Drink water from a used bird bath

End of side note.

I hope that in the weeks ahead I'll have amazing stories to tell all you peoples. Some of them will be fake, some of them really fake, and some of them kinda fake with a little truth thrown in to keep you guessing. But until then, this is Robert "Don't call me Bobby" Sampson signing off and hoping yours is a weekend worth remembering.

Draft #207

2007-11-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Big Girls Don't Cry

Believe it or not, there are people out there that don't agree with how the Patriots are going about their business this season. These people will tell you that running up the score is classless and not in the best interest of sportsmanship. To the people making those claims, Hucklebuck would like to invite y'all to go fock yourselves. Sports (and competition for that matter) is all about stripping your opponent of his dignity, ripping his heart out and stomping on it until all the ventricles are dry. There is no room for pity and the stadiums in which the games are played are usually fresh out of tear drop absorbent Kleenex long before the final tick on the scoreboard has tocked.

Winners win and are programmed to do so through tireless practice and superior genetics. Trying to pull the reins back on a team built for destruction is a nearly impossible request. Imagine if you will, you are on a ranch and you come across a clydesdale mounting the stuffing out of a steed half it's size. It's smack dab in the middle of breeding season and the smell of heat fills the air like a heavy sweat. Your friend leans over to you and says, "I'll give you $20 if you go over there and try to break those two apart, like a referee in a boxing match." Do you know what would happen if you attempted such an idiotic stunt? That's right, the clydesdale would trample you dead with his incredibly large horse cack before you could even lift your finger to tap it on the shoulder in a timid "excuse me" type fashion.

So to all of you grumblers out there tapping on the clydesdale's shoulder, please just stop, shut up, and go away before you find yourself on the business end of a horny clydesdale's curiosity. The Patriots and the horse are in the middle of something special and they don't need you or any other Johnny Fairplay trying to rain on their parade.

In sports, there is no greater high than that of crushing your opponent's spirit. My sixth grade basketball team was a bit of a powerhouse of sorts, an unprecedented assortment of athletes with a killer instinct and the will to thrive under any set of circumstances. Was it our fault we were placed in a conference with churches that had below average basketball programs? Was it our fault our full court press was executed so perfectly, teams rarely found themselves crossing halfcourt in the allotted ten seconds? Is it our fault we had a couple of coaches who were sophomores in high school that had a strategy with an emphasis on wins and not "player development"? Sure, our reserves rarely saw the court, but what's the harm in that? A wise man once said, "Ya know, the last time I checked, schools don't hand select their dumbest kids to compete in spelling bees so why should our basketball team be forced to put kids on the court that have a below average skill set?" Brighter words were never spoken. That wise man, was the father of one of our coaches responding to the outcry of parents who were complaining about the amount of playing time their child was receiving.

How was our team supposed to respond to an opposing layup line that featured two kids who were barely big enough to physically lift a ball off the ground, a couple of fatties, and a host of nasally four-eyed freaks that weazed so loudly they could be heard over the sound of the scoreboard buzzer? Were we supposed to let them "stay in the game" for a couple of quarters, jeopardizing our chances for victory? No way Jose!! We pressed and pressed until the opposing school's principal literally got out of his seat and raised his hands in the air in the direction of our coach as if to say, "Enough is enough, we get it, your team is great, could you call off the dogs now?"

But our coach was better than that, he just stared coldly onto the court and watched on as his well oiled machine beat the living piss out of a group of kids so uncoordinated they couldn't even organize a game of hopscotch if you spotted them a sidewalk and a multi-colored pack of chalk. Our coach wanted every parent in that gymnasium, their kids, and their kid's kids to remember this game as one of the greatest ass whippings they ever witnessed. We as players did the only thing we knew how to do on a Friday night during basketball season and that was to demoralize our opponent, raise our respective scoring averages, and go home to a never ending supply of Tombstone pizza and RC cola and laugh about the pathetic effort our opponent just put forth.

Sometimes in life, whether it's an NFL juggernaut on the cusp of an undefeated season, a sixth grade basketball team without of moral compass, or a large horse vaginally penetrating a small mare, you just have to let nature take it's course.

Draft #206

2007-10-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

The 2007 Church League Fantasy Basketball draft was last Wednesday and here is an indepth look at the Cousy's Cagers lineup:

Centers

Player: Pau Gasol
Drafted: 1st round, 7th pick overall
Selected over: Dwyane Wade, Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, Shawn Marion, and Tim Duncan.
Analysis: My original plan was to select Dwight Howard with this pick but he was taken 2nd overall ahead of Kevin Garnett. If Howard wasn't available, then I was going to take either Gasol or Stoudemire since both are center eligible. And since Gasol dishes out more assists than Stoudemire, I made him my selection. The Grizzlies are looking to play a Phoenix Suns type fast paced brand of basketball and with Miller, Conley Jr., Lowry, and Gay helping to spread the floor there should be plenty of space for the "Meal Ticket" to operate.

Player: Andrew Bogut
Drafted: 5th round, 42nd pick overall
Selected over: Rashard Lewis, Raymond Felton, and Kevin Durant
Analysis: My orginal plan was to select Bogut with the 54th pick but when Emeka Okafor, Mehmet Okur, and Al Jefferson all went sooner than expected, I decided to pull the trigger a round earlier. Bucks coach Larry Krystkowiak was around to witness last season's debacle and I have faith that part of his solution to the problem in Milwaukee is to get Bogut more involved on the offensive end of the floor. As a fan, it's hard to forget Bogut's 20 point/24 rebound performance against Philadelphia last season and the potential that is lying somewhere within this 3rd year big man.

Forwards

Player: Josh Smith
Drafted: 2nd round, 19th pick overall
Selected over: Paul Pierce, Jason Kidd, and Al Jefferson
Analysis: It's safe to say my affection for Josh Smith is somewhere between "man crush" and "restraining order". Smith can definitely fill up a stat sheet and his numbers have been on the rise for the last three seasons. Last year when I ended up with him in the 4th round I said I could have a poor man's LeBron James on my hands and Smith didn't disappoint. James ended the year averaging 55 fantasy points while Smith averaged 47 points (which is equal to late 1st round, early 2nd round production). My biggest fear, aside from injury, is that Smith gets moved to small forward in an effort to get Zaza Pachulia and Al Horford more minutes up front. If you recall, a similar scenario happened to Andrei Kirilenko out in Utah and his numbers have never been the same since. Fortunately for me though, I don't think anyone is confusing Pachulia & Horford for Okur & Boozer just yet so I think Smith will still get a ton of minutes at the power forward slot.

Player: Lamar Odom
Drafted: 6th round, 54th pick overall
Selected over: Antwan Jamison, Allen Ray, and Brandon Roy
Analysis: Once LaMarcus Aldridge was taken directly infront of me with the 53rd pick I was forced to come up with a plan B because I was 100% certain Aldridge would be available. Plan B would have been to take a guard but Raymond Felton, Andre Miller, and Mo Williams were all off the board at this point as well. So...enter plan C. Odom is typically a 4th or 5th round talent but a shoulder injury kept others from selecting him that early. He's a player that can do a little of everything across the stat sheet and he could be huge this year if Kobe decides to pass the ball and even bigger if Kobe is traded midseason.

Player: Ron Artest
Drafted: 6th round, 59th pick overall
Selected over: Josh Howard, Andrei Kirilenko, and David West
Analysis: Coming into the draft I really, really, really never anticipated a scenario in which I'd have to contemplate selecting Ron Artest. I was convinced that with my 5th-7th round picks I was going to come away with some combination of Felton, A.Miller, Mo Williams, Bogut, and Aldridge since I was willing to take both Bogut and Aldridge much earlier than projected. Artest always has a lot of "ifs" attached to his fantasy value but he's not short on talent. As long as Ron Ron can refrain from starving pets, domestic disputes, or having beer thrown at him, he should be serviceable this season.

Player: Al Horford
Drafted: 10th round, 99th pick overall
Selected over: Charlie Villanueva, Boris Diaw, and Al Thornton
Analysis: I was originally planning on selecting Rudy Gay with the 99th pick and Horford with the 102nd pick but Gay was off the board so I went with Al a couple of spots earlier. Horford had a stellar preseason and will no doubtably be the Hawks starting center before Thanksgiving. Teammates Shelden Williams and Zaza Pachulia are the Ralph Malph and Potsie to Horford's Arthur Fonzarelli when it comes to the center position and it's not even close. Horford is a man while Zaza and Shelden still wet the bed. I'm confident Horford will be busting opponent's chops to the tune of 14 points and 10 rebounds a night and you heard it here first.

Guards

Player: Vince Carter
Drafted: 3rd round, 22nd pick overall
Selected over: Yao Ming, Andre Iguodala, and Baron Davis
Analysis: My original list of candidates to be selected with this pick read as follows: 1) Al Jefferson 2) Paul Pierce 3) Carmelo Anthony. Of course all three of them were off the board so I was forced to go with plan D! I decided to go with Carter because he was the best guard available (according to my list anyway) and since I was taking a guard with my third pick that meant I wasn't going to be forced to take a guard with both my 4th and 5th round selections. I've never owned Vince in my fantasy basketball career thanks inpart to the sleezy fashion in which he wiggled his way out of Toronto by admitting to not giving 100% on the court. He also couldn't stay healthy for a 2 or 3 year stretch and that also played a role in my not wanting anything to do with Vincanity. But.....gulp......he's been healthy for 3 years now and his numbers during his time with the Nets are not all that far off from T-Mac's or Kobe's so let's hope this trend continues.

Player: Kirk Hinrich
Drafted: 4th round, 39th pick overall
Selected over: Jason Richardson, Kevin Martin, and Marcus Camby
Analysis: Kirk has been on the Cager's radar for years now and this will be his first season with the franchise. The Cager's targeted him with this pick and scooped him up as soon as their turn came in the 4th round. I like the fact that he can score, rebound, dish, and play defense. He's never had a dominate low post scoring threat while in Chicago to keep his assist average closer to 8 or 9 as opposed to his usual 6 or 7 but as long as he puts up his usual near-40 fantasy point average, the Cagers will be none disappointed.

Player: Rajon Rondo
Drafted: 8th round, 79th pick overall
Selected over: Stephen Jackson, Andris Biedrins, and Marvin Williams
Analysis: Last season the Cager's signed and released Rondo about as often as Doc Rivers shifted his starting lineup around, which was about every other day. Given the opportunity and minutes, Rondo can be a fantasy force. His incredible speed helps him penetrate the lane (assists), get to loose balls (rebounds), and play the passing lanes (steals) with ease. I'm thinking his production will be along the lines of 11 points, 7 assists, 4 rebounds, and 2 steals a game which would be good for about 35 fantasy points per contest which is what the Cager's are praying for this season. And with Delonte West and Sebastian Telfair out of the picture, I don't see any reason why he couldn't reach these totals if not exceed them.

Player: Jameer Nelson
Drafted: 9th round, 82nd pick overall
Selected over: Leandro Barbosa, Jamaal Tinsley, and Rudy Gay
Analysis: Looking at the negatives of this pick--Nelson stands at about 6 feet tall (with 4 inch heels on), he's coming off of a terrible season, Carlos Arroyo or Keyon Dooling could take his job in a heartbeat if he slips up again, and he's never averaged more than 15 points, 5 assists, or 3 rebounds in any of his 3 years in the league. On the bright side-- Nelson had a ton of success in college, he's in a contract year, he's young and has room for improvement, Stan Van Gundy is his coach now and rumor has it he will be able to transform Jameer into a pass first point guard, Rashard Lewis will help spread the floor, Dwight Howard is emerging as a big time scoring threat, and Jameer has dedicated this season to his father who recently passed away. I'm not sure what this all means for the Cagers this season, but if Nelson can boost his averages to 17 points, 7 assists, and 4 rebounds he won't have to ride the proverbial fantasy pine.

Bench- Travis Outlaw, Paul Millsap, Ronnie Brewer, Acie Law IV, and Kyle Lowry.

Draft #205

2007-10-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

Anchor Man II: Wes Mantooth's Revenge

I got this idea while in the shower this morning, why hasn't there been an Anchor Man sequel yet? After scrubbing my balls for a few minutes I started to think about the different routes and angles the sequel could take and here is what transpired within the inner workings of my giant man brain.

When we last left Anchor Man: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Ron and Veronica Corningstone had taken their act national which leaves me with a few questions. Who's taken over for Ron and Veronica at the news station back in San Diego? Is Wes Mantooth's station gaining ground in the battle for news team supremacy in that city? What's Mantooth's station like? How are Brian, Brick, and Champ doing at Channel 4 without their fearless leader? I think there is a lot of directions this sequel could take and here are some of the subplots I would focus on.

Scenario 1

Give the audience a look into Mantooth's newsroom. Give us a sample of some of the day-to-day mishaps and blunders that continue to make Wes the #2 anchor in San Diego. I want to know where this frustation of his stems from. Wes could have a mock version of Brian, Brick, and Champ-- a group of idiots that make his job a nightmare.

Scenario 2

The Channel 4 News Team hires a hot shot anchor that isn't much of a team player (a Barry Bonds type if you will). His arrogance and selfishness make him a bit of a rogue within the Channel 4 news team and the guys try to come up with different schemes to make his job difficult (ala goofing with Corningstone to make her want to leave in the original movie) eventually leading to him quitting or being fired. The hot shot anchor is able to keep Channel 4 atop the ratings list (mainly on station reputation) but Ed Harken can feel the heat and it is only a matter of time before they are overthrown. Unless something drastic happens.....

Scenario 3

The straw that broke the camel's back. Mantooth's station just hired a female manager who's a huge sexist and is making life even more miserable for Wes (a renowned womanizer). Eventually Harken and Mantooth get together and sign Wes to a Channel 4 contract. The guys (Brian/Brick/Champ) don't take to Wes right away, but they eventually form a Ron Burgundy type bond. The ratings gap begins to widen and Channel 4 has a ton of momentum and is the clear cut leader in the news industry.

Scenario 4

Meanwhile, back in the national news scene, things are going great for Ron (or at least it seems as such). Slowly, Ron and Vernonica's relationship begins to fall apart and it becomes apparent that Veronica was just sleeping her way to the top and that it was all a sham. Before Ron is hit with this revelation, he is already having problems coming to terms with the fact that his new job isn't as glamorous as he thought it would be. He misses his friends and being the big fish in a small pond-- a town hero of sorts. He's growing tired of being a cookie cutter national news anchor. Nobody wants to party, it's all business, all the time and Ron can't take it anymore.

Scenario 5

Ron hits rock bottom, again. (the grizzled, drinking expired milk and eating cat poop Burgundy is back). Ron's world is upside down and there appears to be no hope. He catches Veronica in bed with another higher up in the news industry, his old arch nemesis is now the #1 anchor in the town he longs to return to, Brian/Champ/Brick have cut off ties and befriended his old nemesis, and oh I don't know, Baxter gets punted off a bridge again. Things couldn't be worse.

What's next?

From here I'm not sure where the movie should turn next. Ron could take up various odd jobs in the San Diego area just to be close to the city he loves. He could work a drive thru window (did they have drive thru's in the 70's?) or whatever other jobs that seem to be beneath his talents. He just wants to be in the shadows (and it's not hard because nobody even remembers him) to make sure he can pounce when the time is right.

I just thought of something:

Slowly but surely, through a series of precise schemes, Wes is driving the Channel 4 News Team into the ground. Wes found out that his old station manager (the she devil) was fired and his old loyalties are burning deep. He takes a look into the mirror and can't believe what he's seeing, he actual helped the newstation he despised with every fiber of his being remain on top.

That's all I got. Throw in a few sex panther jokes and I think this is a pretty good template for a movie idea. Maybe this is something that is already in the works, maybe not. But one thing is for sure, the world is ready for more Ron Burgundy!

Draft #204

2007-10-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

Freestyle Tuesday?

-Damn right beaches, the Huckster is removing his pencil from his A (for a day) and putting some words on the old telecomputer machine. Thanks to numerous weeks of inactivity, my readership has all but abandoned me for the comfortable confines of their Facebook home pages. And honestly, who can blame them. Blogging is as about as popular right now as unflavored yogurt. So with an open canvas and an empty studio audience, let's let the dribble fly....

-If you think about it, Glade's new aerosol fragrance "Clean Linen" is quite the invention. Commonly used to cover up nasty smells left in the bathroom, Glade's new product gives customers the chance to replicate what crapping the bed might smell like. Thanks Glade!

-Speaking of crapping the bed, how about them Chicago Cubs!?!? Thank you Arizona Diamondbacks, you just saved me from a massive headache and the need to throw my lamp across the living room.

-The following players from my fantasy football team need to take a few Andy Bernard famed "awesome lessons" because their performance thus far has been killing me this season:

Steven Jackson- Honestly, a groin? Do you even need a groin to run effectively? Time to suck it up buddy.

Andre Johnson- I onced backpacked through the Appalachian Mountains the week after I was mauled by a team of wild mongoose. The doctor said I'd never walk again and I showed him. Andre, you twisted your knee a little bit, come on already!

Maurice Jones-Drew- Not his fault Fred Taylor isn't severely injured by now. I had week 3 in the pool. Too bad.

Vince Young- He hasn't been flat out abysmal but could definitely use some more awesome.

-My newest food infatuations: Tomato Basil pizza, Jambalaya, and Fettuccine Alfredo. If I ever decide I'd like to become grossly obese I'm just going to eat these three things on a rotating basis meal by meal and a let my arteries sort things out for themselves.

-Things you should never do to a grandmother:

1) Push her down a flight of stairs (they don't typically bounce back from that brand of practical joke)

2) Stop feeding them. It's not like they are cats or something, they actually need nourishment.

-I've said it once and I'll say it again, I'm just not into carving pumpkins. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to use my pumpkins for masturbation instead of decoration.

-I threw this out to a few of ya's already, but it bears repeating. How many people do you think are currently on this planet who were conceived while their parents were high on cocaine and making "love" with the song "Funky Town" playing in the background? My guess was 7-10 people. My brother guessed a 1,000. Let the debate begin.

-The Cowboys win over the Bills last night reminded me of the time that gang of hoodlums cornered me in the alley behind an Orange Julius and kicked my testacles in until I blacked out. Of course, I'm speaking from the angle of a Bills fan. Not that I'm a Bills fan, but you get my drift. I was having a splendid time that particular day before the hoodlums worked me over in the alley. I petted a dog that day, whistled a tune, and took in the smell of a pie cooling on a window sill, just a red banner day all around. Until that was, I wound up in an alley getting my trouser bells rung repeatedly by a flock of hooligans. There's nothing like waking up in an alley in a pool of your own vomit to remind you of how quickly things can turn, for the worse that is. Bad times.

Draft #203

2007-09-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

For some of us, a trip to the local tattoo parlor is a religious experience that can't even be put into words. Between the undiscerning stench illuminating off of the trucker's saturated undershirt, and the tranquil sting of the needle as it eternally blemishes our human hide, it is definitely something to behold. It's a form of expression so dangerous, it makes eating a two week old grilled cheese sandwich seem like child's play. And take it from somebody who's been down that road, inhaling a rotten cheese sandwich is no picnic.

For those of you who've been recruited to be the life support to a friend thinking about acquiring a new tattoo…..please proceed with caution. Perhaps they want you to be there for moral support, a caring hand to latch onto while the needle pierces the skin. But other times, they want you at the tattoo parlor as an important second opinion. A reasonable voice to lend input as to what kind of tattoo they should have plastered to the midsection of their right buttock.

Why some people get tattoos just for the sake of getting a tattoo, is beyond most of our deepest comprehension. But……if you are put in the position of having to decide what tattoo design your friend should get, here are 10 of the most undesirable prints on the market today. Do whatever you can to ensure your friend doesn't go home with any of these on their body.

1) Phil Collins Eating a Reuben Sandwich

-It's the most tempting of all the tattoo patterns on the market today. It looks good on the shop display wall, but once you get home you end up cursing a bloody streak a quarter mile long. Regret doesn't even begin to describe that feeling one gets when it finally sinks in that Phil Collins will be apart of their life forever.

2) Dueling Pitbulls

-Maybe six months ago having a tattoo of two dogs fighting each other to the death wouldn't have been so bad. But now?? Thanks to Michael Vick, the sport of dog fighting is as taboo as wearing white after Labor Day. For shame.

3) The Name of Your Current Significant Other

-It should go without saying, but it's one of the most shortsighted forms of expression. Sure, you may love that person right now........and you may have had these feelings for over a week......and you have known this person for about a month.......but it still shouldn't be enough to go ahead with tattooing their name on your grossly over/under developed right bicep. Your dating history should be proof enough to know that this current affair will end again with you grasping your genitals in pain while he/she runs off with your last 40 dollars.

4) A Popular Catch Phrase

-Just ask the guy who tattooed a downward pointing arrow on his stomach with the phrase, "Where's the beef?" whether or not he'd like to have a re-do on his tattoo selection and he'll probably just tell you he wished he could change the W to a T.

5) Album Cover of Your Favorite Band

-I know, I know, the New Kids on the Block had it all. They had the sound, the looks, an aura that you thought would withstand the test of time. But now, looking in the mirror, maybe tattooing a picture of Donnie Wahlberg to your left breast wasn't such a good idea. He wasn't even that good looking to begin with and now he has to fend off your battle with gravity just to look respectable.

6) The Name of Your Favorite Restaurant

-It's a great way to show how loyal you are to your favorite eating establishment. But once the local news uncovers a story on how they've been serving rat in 85% of their menu options for the last 5 years, then everybody is going to know you ate there, and that you like rat meat. And according to society, that makes you disgusting. People will approach you on the street and say, "Pepino's? Isn't that the place that had traces of rat in their meatballs?" Trust me when I tell you that they will look at you as if a second head were growing out of your neck. Yuck.

7) Gargoyles

-They are creepy, disturbing, and did I mention creepy? They belong atop an ancient Dutch cathedral and not the side of your neck.

8) Tri-bal Arm-band, Tri-bal Arm-band!

-A great way to let people know how tough you are........if only it were 1994.

9) Your Gang Symbol

-Gangs are bad news man, your mother taught you better than that. Then again, you might not have a mother, which would explain why you're in a gang in the first place. I'm pretty sure the tattoo might be apart of the initiation process and if that's the case, I'd probably go ahead and get it done. There's a reason you've never talked to somebody before who's tried ditching out on a street gang. They don't live to tell about it and if they do live, their jaw doesn't function properly enough to relay what happened.

10) A Dead Tree

-If you're going to go the tree route, why not a live one? May I suggest an oak? Oak trees are surprisingly dense in stature and contain attactive grain markings. Just something to chew on.

Draft #202

2007-08-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

Random Questions

1) If you had to convince someone to quit drinking coffee how would you do it?

-I'd tell that person to rise above the pleasures of caffine and be their own person. Any simpleton can become addicted to coffee but it takes a strong individual with the heart of a galapagos turtle to steer clear of the devil bean altogether. I'd tell them the chilling story about my friend Jake who became addicted to carrot cake at the age of thirteen after trying a few cups of Folgers. The kid was so hooked on the stuff, he'd spend 75% of his paper route earnings at the bakery. Today, Jake will not be able to see the premiere of Superbad because his favorite cineplex doesn't have a single seat that can accommodate a man of his exceptional girth. I'd let that person know that coffee is the gateway beverage to a seamy world of fatty snacks and sweat pants. I'd tell them to quit now while they're still young because while today may bring just one sugar and two creams, tomorrow may be bringing an elephant shaped bong and a barrel full of benzocaine.

2) Give us one explanation as to why you've never tried a gyro yet?

-I think it might have something to do with my fear of feta cheese....which is an extension of my fear of things that crumble...which is an extension of my fear of what's about to happen to the Brewers in the next month.

3) If you had two friends, what would you serve them at your next get together?

-72 strips of bacon and 64 ounces of fruit punch. I'd call it the pleasure platter.

4) What are some of the more popular things that people are saying these days immediately after farting in order to divert attention away from the despicable act they just committed?

-Well I'm not so sure as to why I was elected the expert on this subject but I'd have to say that people are placing an awful lot of blame on geese these days. Some other phrases I'm hearing are:

-Whoops, it slipped.
-I shouldn't have eaten that fishbowl filled with mustard, gasoline, and pitted prunes.
-Good Lord, that's going to be foul.
-Break out the fine china honey, I just dropped a dandy.
-Oh my, that right there had to of been a double dutch bowel flush.
-Too bad that one couldn't be framed, it's so pretty, so pretty.
-If I was Chuck Norris, you'd be mildly aroused right now.
-I'm pretty sure that Bessy, the disease riddled cow with IBS down the street, has passed sweeter smells.
-And the classic....that one had been festering for sometime now, sorry to see her go, but she's here now, so let's all learn to love her.

5) What's the worst business idea you've heard of recently?

-This guy I know wants to set up a shop in Arizona called "Harry Carey's Used Toboggan Emporium". I told him that was the dumbest business venture man has ever concocted but he immediately sat me down and showed me a 45 minute power point presentation on why he thinks tobogganing trends will be at an all-time high in the Southwest in the next 15 years. I was so impressed with his presentation that I cut him a $500 check to help get his business started, and wouldn't you know it, I forgot the guy's name and the phone number he gave me is no longer in use. Oh well, I just hope everything turns out well, sounds like he has his work cut out for him.

Draft #201

2007-07-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

Freestyle Fridays (Where I'm shooting for quantity and not quality)

-First off, congratulations go out to the West Bend West Spartans baseball team who captured the state crown yesterday be defeating New Holstein 11-1 in the championship game. As a West Bend West alum I couldn't be prouder of Bill Albrecht and his players, this is a big time accomplishment and for some people in that town, they now have a reason to live. Billy was probably the only coach I would have run through a wall for during my playing days, so I'm really glad to see him get his first state title coaching at the varsity level. There are definitely warm fuzzies all around.

-The short list of movies I am eager to see: 1) The Simpsons Movie 2) Hot Rod 3) Superbad

-The short list of players I will not be drafting this upcoming football season: 1) Michael Vick 2) Marcus Vick 3) Ron Mexico

-The short list of players that seemingly want the Brewers to lose: 1) Rickie Weeks 2) Grant Balfour (seriously, your last name is Balfour and you're a pitcher? I think someone was trying to tell you something a long time ago--it's not too late to start believing in signs Grant, really, it's not. If the Packers go out this season and sign a running back named Grant Fumblebunch, I will officially be dizzy) 3) Javier Valentin--a Brewer killer extraordinare if I've ever seen one.

-The short list of things I wanted but never got for my birthday: 1) Tiffani Amber Thiessen 2) Tiffani Thiessen 3) Kelly Kapowski

-If you've ever felt like ordering a dessert from a different state, then may I suggest http://www.wickedwhoopies.com/ They are delicious.

-My favorite Jimmy Buffett lyric of the day: "I made enough money to buy Miami but I pissed it away so fast"

-The short list of things I hope never become swollen: 1) My colon 2) My prostate 3) My tonsils

-Random marketing idea for the Brewers: There should be a section of Miller Park devoted to Ben Sheets fans and that section should be called the Sheet Least. I'm sure plenty of people would want to be on Ben's "sheet least". I know I would.

-I am a huge fan of this song...http://www.djbooth.net/index/tracks/review/amy-winehouse-ft-jay-z-rehab-remix/...

-The short list of reasons why I like this song: 1) I applaud the timing of the song given all of the recent celebrities half heartedly slipping in and out of rehab 2) I'm a sucker for the soda fountain/jukebox music of the 50's 3) I could see this song being played in the background during a bloody fight scene of a movie/TV show somewhere down the line.

-Random prediction: Britney Spears will be performing in rhinestone encrusted jumpsuits and eating peanut butter & bacon sandwiches within the next 6 months. I'm calling it.

-Michael Vick's favorite movie: Old Yeller

-If Antoine Carr and Glenn Robinson participated in a caged fight, would Michael Vick get in trouble for it?

-So let me get this straight...dog fighting is to reprehensibile as cat fighting is to yummy delicious. Am I getting this right?

-I recently saw the movie Full Metal Jacket for the first time and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed the beginning half of that flick, the part where private Pyle is getting ridden extremely hard for being a waste of a military space. I kind of thought Pyle might eventually shape up and become an important member of his platoon...so you can imagine the dismay I felt when Pyle shot himself while sitting on a perfectly sanitary head. And what's the deal with all the Vietnamese prostitutes using the sales pitch "me love you long time" as a selling point? They should be focusing on quality instead of quantity. They should be saying, "Me love you so good you remember me long time". That way they wouldn't have had to settle for the 5 dollars they were always bargained down to by the Americans. I also thoroughly enjoyed the part where the Vietnamese gentleman stole the camera and then did a series of jujitsu moves before hopping on the getaway bike. That made absolutely no focking sense.

-Well the Friday workday is coming to a close and the images of pizzas and cervezas are dancing feverishly in my head....so I think I will let this fever take me over. I'll see you all at the County Fair......(when hell freezes over).

Draft #200

2007-07-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

Your Love

Your love is like the salve
That treats my painful bunions
Your love is the breath mint
After Tuesday night liver and onions

Your love is the granola
Atop my strawberry yogurt parfait
Your love is like the freezer
That keeps my red meat from turning gray

Your love is like Pepto Bismol
When my intestines are none too happy
Your love stings like the belt
Back when I still got whoopin's from my pappy

Your love drives me as crazy
As the old lady outside the Wal-Mart
You know, the one with the purple hair
That poops in her shopping cart

Your love is like an imported beer
When a bottle opener is nowhere in sight
And I'm forced to use my teeth
Just to enjoy a Corona Light

Your love is like a school kid
With a brand new magnifying glass
And I'm the ant that's squirming
Burning alive on a blade of grass

Your love is so many things
Sometimes sugar, sometimes spice
And certain times it's down right scary
Like a field full of mutant disease-riddled mice

Your love is like a foot
Placed firmly against my throat
That's when it's not too busy
Kicking in, my nads that go

The pain and pleasure of your existence
Will be the catalyst to my demise
You have my heart and might not know it
So if you could, do me a favor, and just please stop boning other guys

Hucklebuck Remix

2007-06-29T12:20:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Buffett's Son of a Son of a Sailor becomes......

A Son of a Son of a Failure:

As the son of a son of failure
There are places I dare never venture
Viewed as by few
In the world I walk through
As one who is much of a pleasure

As a soiler of beds and
a flatulent man
I have unloaded many a pile
Slow to the point
But I can light up a joint
And there's not much I cannot defile

Son of a son, son of a son, son of a son of a Failure
Son of a bum, means I'm twice as dumb, as a piece of trash from the Trailer

Not too far from now,
near a casino in Vegas,
I'll spend half my loot
on a hooker named Mavis

And the lady she hails straight from the gutter,
queen of the herpes
Disease for you meat
The pain's not discreet
like the prick of 10 thousand bees

This new job I'm quittin'
will help to begin
the cycle my grandpappy
taught us
When adversity's on the horizon
Fold up shop, there ain't no use in tryin'
We can't all be born the son of Chuck Norris

Where the failure finally ends
I guess all depends
Perhaps my grandson will be a stock trader
He'll live the high life
avoiding turmoil and strife
not a bum, a thief , or a wanker

But he'll probably just be the son of a son, son of a son, son of a son of a Failure
Losing is in our veins, the stench always remains
I'm just glad I'm not a phone operator

Draft #199

2007-06-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

2007 NBA Draft

Some pre draft thoughts that I never posted in time:

No matter who the Bucks bring in, a few changes need to be made before this team can become successful.

The alpha dog struggle between Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut needs to be settled. From my perspective, it appears that Bogut is not pleased with the amount of shots Redd takes per game. And maybe it's not so much the amount of shots that Redd takes that bothers Andrew but it's just the amount of touches Bogut receives in the post. Too many times last season I watched the Bucks be content to just sit back, clear out, and watch Redd take his man one-on-one while the rest of the players on the court did nothing.

Bogut is a talented passer who can set up at the elbow or on the low block, and at the very least he should be given the chance to distribute the ball to others, if the team doesn't want him to be the primary scoring option. Believe it or not for some players, the defensive effort they put forth is closely linked to the success they have at the offensive end of the floor. Success on the offensive end gives them the energy or the spark to compete on the defensive end. Bogut strikes me as that type of player, if he feels he's not involved offensively, he'll lose interest on defense. He should be an automatic 16 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists just rolling out of bed. Guess how many times he achieved that minimum statline in a single game last season? Once. One focking time. Coincidentally, they won that game and when Bogut scored in double figures with at least five assists the Bucks went 6-3. In 35 games last season, he had 9 or fewer shot attempts. Couple that with Michael Redd's 23 games in which he chucked over 20 shots (while playing 53 total games) and there is an obvious imbalance here. Last season when the shot attempt ratio was balanced (Redd under 20 attempts and Bogut over 10) the Bucks were like 7-4 in the 11 games that actually happened. The 6-3 and 7-4 record examples may seem like a small sample size but if you maintain that clip throughout the course of an 82 game season, you're going to find yourself with 50 W's in the win column come playoff time.

Outlook

The Bucks had a roster last season that was worthy of being a 4-6 seed in the Eastern Conference Playoffs, on paper anyways. Instead, thanks to a rash of injuries and a douche bag for a head coach, they finished the year with the 3rd worst record in the league. With many of the same pieces still in place for the upcoming 07-08 season and a lottery pick to boot, the expectations are high once again. Regardless of who is selected in the upcoming draft, the following needs to take place in order for the Bucks to reach the 50 win plateau.

1. Stay healthy (this applies to any team, any sport, but given what happened last year this should be our first priority)

2. Get Bogut more involved. Eventually 16 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists should be the norm.

3. Assuming Williams is signed and is the starting point guard, strap him to a chair and force him to watch 150 consecutive hours of Steve Nash game film until his brain morphs into a pass first frame of mind.

4. Figure out what makes Charlie Villanueva tick and slap/beat/poke/prod him with whatever IT is and pray he shifts things out of 1st gear.

5. Convince either Bobby Simmons or Dan Gadzuric to give the money back that they stole from the Bucks, and then arrange it so the two are paid off of the one remaining contract, since they barely do the work of one player anyway.

6. Surgically implant tiny computer chips into the brains of the returning players that will scramble any memory or memories that are related to Terry Stotts in any way, shape, or form.

7. Don't even think about drafting Yi Jianlian from China. I don't feel like waiting 5 plus years for his competitive spirit to blossom. The role of meek and timid is already being played by Charlie Villanueva, so there is no room here, sorry.

8. Do strongly consider Mike Conley Jr. or Jeff Green as your lottery pick with Corey Brewer and Brandan Wright serving as consolation prizes.

9. Target Mo Williams, Gerald Wallace, Charlie Bell, and Travis Outlaw in free agency.

10. Say goodbye to Brian Skinner, Earl Boykins, and Ruben Patterson.

Now some post draft reaction:

Yi Jianlian and company didn't want to come to Milwaukee so the Bucks said nuts to that and selected Yi with the 6th pick anyway. I'm not going on record as being happy with this decision but at least the Bucks didn't draft him ahead of Horford, Conley Jr., or Green. Between Brandan Wright, Corey Brewer, Julian Wright, and Yi it is hard to say who will end up being the better pro, so I would have hated to make this decision.

I'm curious to find out what the Bucks were being offered for their pick because Golden State and Philadelphia, according to what I had read, were very eager to get their hands on Yi. Philly had the 12th pick so we could have traded down and had our choice of Julian Wright, Al Thorton, or Thaddeus Young plus an addition pick or player, but who knows?

I'm still holding out hope that Larry Harris drafted Yi as a bargaining chip since there are so many teams that covet his services, with the primary reason being that he is the perfect centerpiece to a marketing campaign geared toward cashing in on a heavily populated Chinese demographic. I wouldn't mind a trade that sends Yi to Golden State for Brandan Wright and Monta Ellis, I wouldn't mind that one at all.

Final thoughts on the draft:

-Kudos to Portland for getting rid of Zach Randolph before he had the chance to taint Greg Oden in one form or another. Double kudos for getting their hands on Josh McRoberts that late in the draft as well (a guy who was slated to be a high lottery pick before last season). He may not be the type of player you build a team around and Jay Bilas said it best when he mentioned that Josh is better suited to play the role of Robin than he is Batman, but for a guy that should not have even entered the draft, I think he ended up in a decent situation.

-I was happy to see Alando Tucker get drafted in the 1st round and to a top three team in the Western Conference no less. Good for you, Alan-do! Enjoy the guaranteed money.

-Eddy Curry's career assist per game average per season:
2001-02- 0.3/game
2002-03- 0.5/game
2003-04- 0.9/game
2004-05- 0.6/game
2005-06- 0.3/game
2006-07- 0.8/game

-Zach Randolph's career assist per game average per season:
2001-02- 0.3/game
2002-03- 0.5/game
2003-04- 2.0/game
2004-05- 1.9/game
2005-06- 1.9/game
2006-07- 2.2/game

-In case you missed the draft, Curry and Randolph are now on the same team. As if this wasn't great enough, maybe the Knicks will find a way to acquire Antoine Walker, the very man who was once asked, "Hey Antoine, why do you shoot so many three-pointers?" and replied, "Because there ain't no 4's." That would be the ultimate trio but I have a feeling that this duo will be entertaining enough. If Curry + Randolph + Marbury doesn't equal a total disaster by season's end, then I will be completely and utterly shocked.

Draft #198

2007-06-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

Freestyle Fridays (Where banana flavored Malibu rum doesn't sound half bad)

-Alright I lied, banana flavored rum sounds terrible. But I've been surprised before, like the time I found out that talentless actress/performer/celebrity announced she was entering rehab only to check out less than one week later.

-I think Jack Safro Toyota has had it way too easy for way too long. It's high time somebody gives that monopoly a little competition. That's why I'm thinking of opening up my own car dealership and calling it Jack's Afro. If you want in on this, get in now while the getting is hot.

-Boy I tell ya, times are rough (Yeah, how rough are they?) Oh man, the other day a black cat ran across my path and the cat got seven years of bad luck.

-SPOKANE, Wash. - "The only surviving pair of endangered pygmy rabbits released as part of a program to increase their numbers in the wild have dodged coyotes, badgers, hawks and owls and found time for love. Proud scientists announced Thursday that the rabbits have successfully bred."

Wow, a couple of rabbits managed to find a way to reproduce, go figure. There hasn't been this obvious a lock for something to happen since the Bears won the Super Bowl in 86'. In a related story, my friend Javier and his wife are expecting their seventh child. Congratulations Javier!

-For those of you who didn't know, Applebee's is running a promotion in conjuction with the Milwaukee Brewers. Any customer who purchases one of five preselected entrees from Applebees will receive a voucher for a free ticket to a Brewers game.

Sounds great doesn't it? Check out the fine print though: The preselected entree must be purchased on a Mon-Wed between the hours of 1pm and 3:30pm. The entree must also be ordered while dining in the smoking section of any of our Wisconsin locations. The waitress/waiter must be of Norwegian descent with a surname that lands between the letters A and G in the alphabet. This offer does not apply to all individuals who are left handed or wearing sandals. In order to qualify for the free ticket the customer must supply the waitress/waiter with a 42% gratuity and do so while reciting the books of the Bible in reverse order while hopping on one leg. Milwaukee area Applebees locations do not qualify to offer this promotion. Customer must pay a 22% sales tax inorder to receive free voucher. Void where prohibited--we don't actually know what that means but it sounds like something you'd find in most disclaimers. Those employed by the Milwaukee Brewers or Major League Baseball are also exempt from this deal. No Jews.

-I'm not sure I'm ready to live in a world where there's no Bob Barker. Where else could you bid $1 on a microwave and not get laughed at? I'm sure the show will live on, but it just won't be the same. Thanks to the Price is Right I now have the ability to make a fair market bid on a package of Garlique with 44% accuracy. Thanks Bob!

-In a discussion of the worst softball players in the history of the universe, my name has to be bandied about as a top 5 candidate, it just has to be. I'm pathetic.

-Well this afternoon has flown by and only one half hour remains until the weekend begins, so I'll have to cut this edition short. But I'll leave you with this....it doesn't take a son of a son of a sailor to head out on the sea for adventure. So get your hands out of your pants for five seconds and go out and do something.....or someone.

Draft #197

2007-06-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

Interpersonal Communication....

is the process of sending and receiving information, at least that's what I learned when I took this course at UWWC. We had actually spent a chapter or part of a chapter discussing the topic of relationship development. Do any of you know what relationship development actually is? Of course you don't. Who does? That is why I've decided to breakdown Mark Knapp's Relationship Escalation and Termination Models so that we all might gain a better understanding on how relationships begin and end.

Knapp's Relationship Escalation Model (the 1984 version of the model with modern day examples--things move a little faster these days)

Stage One: Initiation

"This stage is very short, sometimes as short as 10-15 seconds. In this stage, interactants are concerned with making favorable impressions on each other. They may use standard greetings or observe each other's appearance or mannerisms."

Example:

-Paul might walk up to Jessica during a whisky social and comment on how succulent her rack is looking that evening. Jessica will most likely giggle and thank Paul for noticing. After about 20 consecutive seconds of looking into each other's eyes, the initiation has begun.

Stage Two: Experimenting

"In the next stage, individuals ask questions of each other in order to gain information about them and decide if they wish to continue the relationship. Many relationships progress no further than this point"

Example:

-Paul might be zipping his pants back up, in the alley near the dumpster, after Jessica performed an unspeakable act on him and ask, "Hey, what's your name by the way?" or "Hey, you must have taken a course on how to do that because you are really good at it. You must have finished first in your class?" After 30 consecutive seconds of silence and awkwardness, the experimental stage is now complete.

Stage Three: Intensifying

"Self-disclosure becomes more common in the intensifying stage. The relationship becomes less formal, the interactants begin to see each other as individuals, and statements are made about the level of commitment each has to the relationship."

Example:

-In this stage Paul will reveal to Jessica that his real name is Bill and that there is a 22% chance that he has herpes. He will insist it is no big deal and he will hope that his "allowing Jessica to perform the unspeakable act on him" does not send any mixed messages since he's not looking for anything steady at this time. Of course Bill being a guy, none of this will actually be communicated verbally, it will just be assumed.

Stage Four: Integrating

"The individuals become a pair in the integrating stage. They begin to do things together and, importantly, others come to see them as a pair. A shared relational identity starts to form in this stage."

Example:

-Bill and Jessica, having become quite bored with their intimate relationship, will now start to incorporate new toys into the equation to help spice things up. Whips, chains, swings, and numerous other unmentionables are common place during the integrating stage. The shared relational identity becomes noticeable, Bill and Jessica now realize they are both freaks. Hot tub orgies at this point are a weekly occurrence, and now others can easily see them as a pair. Bill will have most likely grown a pretty sweet mustache by this point.

Stage Five: Bonding

"During the bonding stage, a formal, sometimes legal, announcement of the relationship is made. Examples include a marriage, "best friend" ritual, or business partnership agreement. Few relationships reach this level."

-Once Jessica pays the $5,000 bond to get Bill out of jail for not showing up to his DUI hearing, Bill thinks he might be in love with Jessica. To make things official, the two go halfsies on a trailer and move into a trailer park. Within three years, the couple will end up on an episode of Cops once the neighbors call in a domestic disturbance that got started because Jessica bought a case of Busch Light cans again instead of the Keystone Light 30 pack that Bill prefers (but then again, maybe I should be saving this for the Relationship Termination Model, which I'll discuss tomorrow--if there's time).

Draft #196

2007-06-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

Freestyle Fridays (where there's smoke on the water and fire in the sky)

-I just heard a commercial on the radio advertising rain gutters and the company supplying the gutters offered a "no clog" guarantee. Unfortunately, my brother Adam doesn't come with that same guarantee when it comes to his afterwork bathroom visits.

-Congratulations are in order for Nate Filzen and his once girlfriend Michelle Mihm. And no, they did not breakup, so boys keep your mits to yourself because this little filly is becoming a Filzen!! The two mutually decided to take on the title of fiance by becoming engaged over the Memorial Day weekend. So if you've noticed a buzz in the air this week and didn't quite know what it was, well now you know.

-I adjusted my chair at work today for the first time since I've been here and I'm liking it. I have a whole new outlook on life. I feel like Elaine Benes taking a comfort cruise through Kramer's luxuriously wide highway lanes.

-The top 100 signs that indicate you might be a douchebag....sign #74: You're an Elvis impersonator (bonus douchebag points if you live outside of Memphis or Vegas).

-My food craving of the week: BBQ chicken pizza with jalapenos from the Pizza Shuttle. What I'll end up settling for: a sleeve of Ritz Crackers and a half a stick of butter.

-Pat Graven, you are a miserable human being. You B and Moan about how I don't write enough on the blog and then I go out and write an entry that is completely about you and I can't even muster one comment out of your crusty ass. Luckily, you really know how to appreciate a good mushroom swiss burger so I can't get too mad at you. Your words were too kind.

-If you thought LeBron James performance last night was impressive let me take you down memory lane for just one second. Once during sixth grade, Jed Justman and I each scored 16 points a piece in a 34-16 shellacking of Faith Fond Du Lac. And yes, for those of you who are mathematically inclined, only one other person on our team scored a basket that day. This was the golden era of sports when winning was everything and participation was for those who could hack it and not just for any ninny with a jockstrap and a parent's signature.

-The top 100 signs that indicate you might be a douchebag...sign #75: You're twenty five years old and you look back on your grade school athletic achievements fondly (bonus douchebag points if you still proudly display your grade school trophies and awards somewhere in your living quarters).

-Bobby Flay has a thing for mangos. You either understand that statement or you don't, there's no middle ground.

-Haus and I recently partied with Pepe Lopez and drove home to tell about it. If you're into bottom shelf tequila, you know who Pepe is, he's basically the bagged cereal equivalent to alcohol.

-Yes, John Osowski, Ryan Braun really is the new black.

-Last night at the Brewers game I was inches away from booing the young girl who was chosen to do the junior PA announcing. She was barely old enough to read and did a horrible job. Sometimes when kids take their crack at announcing upcoming batters their innocent foulups are often viewed as cute and somewhat delightful. But in this instance, I found her inefficiencies to be quite annoying. We can all just thank our lucky stars that Jarrod Saltalamacchia is not on the Brewers because that would have been a complete disaster. And incase you are wondering, G.G. Herdy is now playing shortstop for the Milwaukee Brewers, good grief!!

-Top 100 signs that you might be an asshole...#76: Read previous bullet point.

-A couple other observations from last night's Brewers game:

*not only is Miguel Cabrera on steroids, he eats them by the bottle.
*whoever made the trade for Prince Fielder in my Strat-o-matic fantasy baseball league is a genius.
*the guy sitting next to me was wearing a Jason (Friday the 13th) type hockey mask on his head and I didn't even stop to ask him or myself, why? I must be losing my curiosity.

-In an effort to remain positive, I recently joined a gang to improve my knife wielding skills.

-In an effort to be ironic, I recently became Catholic and married a Jew.

-In an effort to become lousy and miserable, I recently became a Cubs fan.

-In an effort to rid myself of suspicion, I recently spied on myself for two hours.

-In an effort to be more miraculous, I recently flushed the toilet after using it.

-In an effort to be more sarcastic, I recently thought for a second that this blog entry was excellent.

-By accident, I think I just finished a blog entry without the use of any cexual innuendoes. I believe that might be a first.

-Oh no, I can't fight the urge....here it comes.....what do you call two Asian women who really love each other? Give up.....they're called resbians. Thank you, thank you, good night everybody!

-P.S. Go see this movie: http://www.knockedupmovie.com/

Draft #195

2007-05-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

For Pat Graven, Now is the Time

For some of us, the news of Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova parting ways from their five year relationship is no big deal. But for 29-year-old bachelor, Pat Graven, this unexpected unraveling just might be his ticket to the motherland....(otherwise known as Anna's cootch). As we all know, a girl on the rebound is a girl in need of some serious rogering. Her emotions are so scattered and unpredictable that the only thing she does know is that she needs the soothing feeling of about two hundred pounds worth of sweaty flesh ravaging her every crevasse.

And this is where Pat Graven comes in. All poor Anna wanted was Enrique's hand in marriage and a couple of kids to boot. Personally, I don't think that's too big of a request for one of the hottest females on the planet. For one reason or another Enrique has decided that he would rather not be tied down at the moment, choosing a foot loose and fancy free lifestyle over being the permanent love slave of America's sexiest Russian import. Now is the time! Pat, your dream is on the cusp of becoming a reality and the only thing sitting between you and a Sunday afternoon leather whipping from Anna is a simple phone call (we all know you like that schtuff).

Now Pat, I'm sure you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "There's no way Anna would ever want to marry me?!?!" But if you take a second to examine the situation, you'd find that you are a more than suitable mate for the once darling princess of tennis. According to a recent Fluff Magazine article, Anna listed drywallers as the the only profession of men that gets her bean burning more than firemen "Guys that crap in cardboard boxes make me hot!!!" Add to that her love of all things that sag to people's knees and the stars couldn't be aligned more perfectly.

Now is the time! I urge you to not think of what might be, but rather what will become. Imagine you and your new love attending all the social events of the year... like Action in Jackson, the Jackson parade, and the grand opening of the new Walgreens. Imagine what could be bent over the railing of your back porch and who will be doing the bending. Imagine what it will be like to have her fetching everyone's cocktails during the annual Chili Sheepshead Party and the record number of participants you'll have that year.

Now is the time! Pat your destiny has arrived. If it's offspring she wants then offspring she will get. Your LHSS is a product of what I would assume to be a surplus buildup of baby batter. Rumor has it, the buildup is so severe that you are capable of impregnating an entire U.S. female hockey team. For the love of God you are an Ironman, it's high time you perk that chin upwards and start acting like it! She's been number one on your list for as long as I've known you, sure Reese Witherspoon and Christina Aguilera may have graced the top spot in sparing moments of desperation, but we all know who your heart belongs to.

Now is the time! Do whatever is necessary to reach her, whether by water, by bicycle, or by foot. Fame is relative. Restraining orders are arbitrary. The bruises left by security guards will eventually fade away. But the open wound left on your conscience for not trying will absorb every ounce of salt this lonely world has to offer. Go my son, go!

Draft #194

2007-05-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

You've been avoiding it for years. You know it must be done, but the thought of it makes your spine shiver. You've heard the horror stories of others who have gone through with it and your mind shutters with all the terrifying mental images. They say when Bob from accounting had his examination they found the remains of what was believed to be a 42 lb turkey. Larry from human resources went in for his checkup recently and now he's lost his ability to speak the English language due to his advanced state of shock. The only things he can say now in a disturbed and shaken tone are "Oh no" and "get that out of there".......he's an absolute wreck.

Of course I'm referring to the debilitating effects of a prostate exam. It's probably one of the coldest rights of passage a man will endure in his lifetime besides the institution of marriage. With every passing year you realize you're one step closer to the day when you will eventually have yourself voluntarily probed in the name of health. Part of you clings to the chance that technological advances will turn prostate exams into nothing more than a quick and painless magnetic resonance imaging snapshot. But the other part of you knows that there is no substitute for the cold and sturdy touch that only a complete stranger with a medical degree can provide.

It's a harsh reality that every man will have to face, unless you've previously lost your prostate in a horrible fishing accident during your youth thanks to an inattentive uncle. Odds are you don't even know what the prostate actually does. Many people subscribe to the theory that the prostate doesn't actually exist and that it's just some sort of pseudo organ that the medical industry cooked up because they were running out of places to shove their fingers. Others have theorized that the science of proctology (otherwise known as the devil's craft) was brought into existence in 1827 by a wild batch of butt pirates that migrated to America from their orginal habitat just off the coast of the French Guiana.

Dr. Travis Cutlawn was the first American born doctor to take up the practice of proctology. Though his methods today would be considered harsh and somewhat unorthodox, his fish based method was extremely effective during this era of medicine. Dr. Cutlawn would insert a live trout into the anus of his patient and if after 10 minutes, the fish was still found to be alive then the prostate was deemed healthy and in working order. On the flipside, if the trout appeared distraught and had a purple ring circling the base of its head then the prostate was deemed agitated and in need of repair.

Until 1867, patients that were diagnosed with an agitated or irregular prostate had no cure available to them. These societal outcasts were immediately stoned to death by concerned villagers who feared that the ailment might spread and infect others. But in 1867, one of Dr. Cutlawn's disciples, Meret Brevenfield, developed the first known cure. Through his studies, he formulated a mixture of frog intestines and fig juices that was able to fight off the swelling and cause the prostate to revert back to it's normal state.

Unfortunately in 1871, Dr. Brevenfield was stoned to death by a group of concerned villagers who figured that Brevenfield was merely treating patients that had no symptoms to begin with and that his formula was indeed fraudulent and merely an act to improve his social status among the more buxomly women of the village.

Proctology remained a predominately underground practice until 1950 when it penetrated its way into the mainstream of U.S. medicine becoming a permanent fixture even to this very day. The only other piece of prostatorial history that was actually recorded was done so in 1987. This was when a noble minded trail blazer by the name of Phillip Wonderstock took it upon himself to try and get proctology back into the streets where it belonged. Phillip despised the Big Medicine industry with a passion and wished to place it firmly on its backside. His plan was simple...devise a fleet of mobile trailers that could travel from town to town with one goal in mind. To provide high quality prostate exams at half the price.

Mr. Wonderstock's plan was to set up trailers outside of popular male hangouts like baseball stadiums, moose lodges, and pretty much anywhere else that alcohol was being consumed in mass quantities. There, men were invited to have their prostates examined in a dark trailer with the hopes that their inebriated state of mind might convince them to get it (the prostate exam) over with since most men do not have this test done frequently. Men would often question Phillip's credentials and ask, "Hey, how do we know that you ain't just some weirdo who likes to stick his fingers in other guy's butts?" Phillip's degree from the Belmont Tech Community College hanging on the wall inside the trailer would usually settle the argument.

As it turned out, Mr. Wonderstock really was just a weirdo that enjoyed sticking his fingers into other guy's butts. All in all, a total of 115 men fell for the traveling prostate exam scam which was said to have lasted for almost 6 months in certain areas of Kentucky and Tennessee (other similar operations in different states were shut down within one or two days of their attempted start up).

Mr. Wonderstock's whereabouts remain a mystery even to this very day, though some have speculated that he returned to those very areas of Kentucky and Tennessee (after a brief 10 year prison sentence) where his operation discovered the most success. He is said to be currently employed as a high school gym teacher.

This has been another episode of History Lessons in Awkward Medical Practices.......Join us next week when we take a look into the mysterious world of dentistry!

Draft #193

2007-05-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

Listen and React

Today I will be listening to CMT radio and making comments about the songs that are played. Actually, I'll probably be making comments about random things that the lyrics made me think of, but you (hopefully) get the point. It's all pure crap anyway, this blog that is, not country music.

Freddy Fender- Before The Next Tear Drop Falls

-No clue who Freddy Fender is but he's speaking Spanish in the middle of the song so that's a huge downgrade. If I was Chris Berman I'd nickname him Freddy "I'm coming off a twelve day" Fender.

Anne Murray-Could I Have This Dance

-No you may not you dirty whore.

Faith Hill- Breathe

-Actually this song is about what Faith has to continually tell men when they see her in person. I know I'd be panting like a hyena if I ever came within 4 feet of her.

Charlie Rich- Behind Closed Doors

-If I know Charlie like I think I know Charlie, I'd say he gives the most gentlemanly donkey punches in town. And he only slaps things that need slapping.

George Strait- I've Come to Expect it From You

-Whenever I hear this song I feel I should be wearing a cowboy hat and kicking a mule in the ass.

Alabama- Love in the First Degree

-Just a great F-in song.

Tim McGraw- She's My Kind of Rain

Translation: She's got a great ass and can cook.

Hank Williams- Hey Good Luckin'

-Quite a far cry from rapper Deez Nuts' hit single, Bitch What's Crackin'.

Randy Travis- Forever an Ever, Amen

-Oh darlin, I'm gonna love you forever (assuming you kick that drug habit and don't put on an extra 50 el Bees).

Johnny Cash- Ring of Fire

-If you haven't heard this song in a bar before you've either never been in a bar before or you're just plain deaf and couldn't hear a locomotive if it was sniffing your ass while walking a set of railroad tracks.

Roy Orbison-Crying

-Whenever somebody mentions to me that it looks like I've been crying, I tell them I just got done shitting a whole pineapple.

Michael Martin Murphy- What's Forever For?

-A common line you ladies might hear from guys that probably own 3-7 venereal diseases.

The Judds- Mama He's Crazy

-"Mama, he wanted me to go bowling. Do I look like the type of girl that wants to go bowling?" -Brooke from Real World-Denver

John Denver- Annie's Song

-Lloyd Christmas said it best, "That John Denver is full of shit."

Ronnie Milsap- It Was Almost Like a Song

-Instead it sounded more like 50 cats in a blender.

Hank Williams Jr.- Real Men Eat Their Own Scabs

-Yeah, I made that one up.

George Strait- Check Yes or No

-I actually tried that strategy in the 4th grade (sending a girl a piece of paper that asked if she liked me- check yes or no) and apparently (as I found out) if the girl is smart enough she'll write in a third checkbox with the caption "Go F yourself" and then check that option. A simple no would have done just as well. Anywho, she got hers in the end, two years later she was clinically diagnosed with cooties.

Draft #192

2007-04-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

Snakes and Robots

When I was a lad, about the age of three
There was only two things that would terrify me
Both had beady eyes and an ice cold demeanor
And given the chance, I was convinced they'd both rip off my wiener

Snakes are the devil, they're a venomous breed
I hate them, I hate them, I hate them indeed
They sliver through the grass and slide where they please
They'll bite off your face with the greatest of ease

You can hear the hissing and the rattling, but don't you dare get too close
They'll choke your ass dead without any remorse
Whether it's a cobra, a viper, or a boa constrictor
May they all burn in hell next to that Nazi Mr. Hitler

Now robots.....Oh they're not much better
They're boring and stupid and rust in bad weather
They have no sense of humor, they're an absolute bummer
Rosie from the Jetsons, gives quite a mechanical hummer

Kevin, Screech's robot, I'm pretty sure was gay
K.I.T.T., Michael's car, had to of swung the same way
Number Five's not alive, he's just a pile of scraps
Robo Cop's circuits short out, whenever he craps

Never trust a robot and never befriend a snake
Destruction and death is all that remains in their wake
And if you should ever encounter, a robotic snake from the future
Good luck my friend, cuz you're about to get beaten worse than Paris Hilton's cootcher

Draft #191.5

2007-04-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

100 Things I Remember About The 2006-2007 NBA Season

(in no particular order)

100. Charlie Villanueva moving around the court like someone had just spent a half hour prior to the game beating him in the legs with a crowbar.

99. Andrew Bogut looking like he just rolled out of bed a half an hour before each game.

98. Eddy Curry playing an entire season without ridding himself of his love handles. How is that possible?

97. Zach Randolph being spotted at a strip club the same night and same time the Trail Blazers had a home game in Portland. It's OK though, he was on a bereavement leave.

96. Dwight Howard's metamorphosis into the next Shaq.

95. Yao Ming is still freaking ginormous! Reminds me of Will Ferrell's character in the movie Elf playing basketball against the "normal sized" elves. I haven't seen anything that unnatural since Ben Filzen's potato sized turd in the West boy's locker room.

94. Desmond Mason's jump shot somehow becoming even more fundamentally awkward.

93. January 5th, 2007. LeBron James finishes the game against the Bucks with 8 points and zero dunks. I'm not even sure his glandular system even thought about sweating.

92. Elton Brand looking stupid in a head band, some players just weren't meant for that look and he's one of them.

91. The last second shot that Gilbert Arenas hit in Washington (D.C.) against the Bucks to win the game. Did I mention it was nearly from halfcourt?

90.LeBron James three quarters court shot in Boston.

89. Dwight Howard's last second alley-oop dunk to beat the Spurs.

88. David Lee's game winning tip in with 0.1 seconds remaining.

87. Nate Robinson rejecting one of Yao Ming's shots.

86. Shaun Livingston's gruesome knee injury. I thought he pulled a Thiesmann (shattered tibia/fibula) when I originally saw it, but it turns out he just busted his knee cap and tore every ligament that has anything to do with the knee joint. He should be full at strength by the tip-off of the 2011 season.

85. Ray Allen's commercial glorifiying the WNBA. Bad times.

84. Chris Webber wearing the jersey number 84 for the Detroit Pistons, just an absolute eyesore. Player's jersey numbers should never go higher than 55. Anything higher than that is just plain Tom foolery (Although Artest's #91 seems to suit him well, probably because he's nucking futs).

83. Watching Donyell Marshall, Grant Hill, and Jason Kidd (1994 draft classmates) motoring around the court and me asking myself, "Why isn't Glenn Robinson still playing?"

82. Amare Stoudemire's recovery from microfracture knee surgery went pretty well I'd say (20 points/10 rebounds a game). He's definitely joining Dwight Howard in the "guys that will be taken in the 1st round of your fantasy draft" list for the next 8 years.

81. If the Bucks cheerleaders made wardrobe changes for this season, I'm guessing they erred on the side of slutty as opposed to not slutty enough. Good times.

80. Nene Hilario's in-season body transformation. He went from soft and out of shape to ripped in about 4 months. Nene, if you could pass on whatever regiment you are using over to Eddy Curry the entire city of New York would appreciate it.

79. Jared Reiner looks like a roided up version of Terry Stotts.

78. Sam Cassell still looks like a marcian from outer space.

77. Apparently it's impossible to talk about Andrew Bynum without mentioning Kareem Abdul-Jabar in the same breath.

76. The race for the Rookie of the Year award has been about as exciting as buttered toast. They should just not give the award to anybody this year and hand out two next season.

75. Somebody please give Mike Miller a haircut!

(I've always thought Mike Miller looked like someone who was only supposed to be 6'0'' tall but then he developed a tumor on his pituitary gland sometime around the 8th grade and grew to be 6'8'', only his parents had the tumor removed before he could grow to be a ridiculous 7'9'' or something like that. His face just reminds me of those guys in the record books that were giants. That's all I'm saying.)

74. I had no idea Joe Johnson was only 25 years old, just seems like he's been around forever.

73. Same thing applies to Mo Williams being only 24 years old.

72. If you're wondering why you haven't seen or heard anything about Dino Radja it's because he hasn't been in the NBA for 10 years.

71. Jack Sikma and Detlef Schrempf's sons play on the same high school team.

70. Marvin Williams plays with the physical aggressiveness of Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.

69. Deron Williams has a chance to be the next Jason Kidd. He looks and plays just like him--plus he can shoot.

68. Travis Diener still barely plays at all.

67. J.J. Redick, at this point, is probably more suited to be a model for a Shopko catalog than an NBA player--can't you just imagine him posing in a pair of Wranglers with his thumbs in his belt loops with a shit eating grin on his face? I know I can (I warned you Orlando but you didn't listen, enjoy your white Shawn Respert).

66. If HDTV has taught us anything, it's that Zaza Pachulia is suffering from terrible (b)acne.

65. The Lakers dimmed the lights in the crowd at the Staples Center this year ala the Knicks at Madison Square Garden. It's a good look.

64. If you ever find yourself judging a dunk contest and one of the contestants is able to slap a sticker on the top of the backboard while simultaneously dunking a basketball (without the use of a trampoline) then the contest should be stopped immediately and that person should be awarded the trophy on the spot, end of story.

63. I know I'm going against the grain on this one, but I like the Wizards black and gold-Purdue like alternative road jerseys. If I had it my way they'd still be called the Washington Bullets and the world would still make sense (kind of fitting if you think about the location of our nation's most recent tragedy involving a school related shooting).

62. The NBA has still not acted on my petition to change the franchise name of the Charlotte Bobcats back to the Hornets. The New Orleans Hornets should be called the Jazz, and the Utah Jazz should be called the Utah Dutch Ovens (the official cooking pot of Utah) or the Utah Salt Sacks.

61. I'll remember this season as the season that Eddy Curry and Tyson Chandler finally starting getting their shit together. I just wish they were still on the same team as this was happening. You match these two guys up with Hinrich, Gordon, Nocioni, and Deng and that team is going to win a lot of games. Feel the burn Chicago, feel the burn.

60. If your home team is sporting a starting lineup of Dan Gadzuric, Ruben Patterson, Charlie Bell, Mo Williams, and Earl Boykins (as they did this past Monday against the Hawks).....then your team is probably well on its way to securing a comfortable seat in the upcoming NBA draft lottery, and you have probably cried yourself to sleep a few times this season.

59. The return of coach Don Nelson. If nothing else, he provided us with that look of (what the hell did I just eat?) on his face that makes him look like he is constantly suffering from bad gas.

58. Did the Celtics dedicate this season to Red Auerbach? I sure hope not.

57. Shawn Kemp and Scottie Pippen attempted comebacks, suprisingly there were no takers.

56. This is the point at which I became bored with this entry. If you made it this far without jumping ship before point number 96, then I appreciate your time.

Draft #191

2007-04-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

A Day in the Life of Teddy Shiftmeyer as Told by Theodore F. Shiftmeyer:

Today I awoke from my sweet slumber to the sound of my favorite song, Wichita Lineman, which was blaring on my clock radio. Per usual I had my alarm set to the all-Glen Campbell radio station (FM102.7--All Glen, all the time!). Some say that this radio station is so popular and mesmerizing that it causes its listeners to involuntarily masturbate. And while I can't personally validate this theory as being true, a local line-dancing hall called the Swapbucket was recently shutdown for reasons undisclosed.

Once I finally got out of bed I headed to the corner of my bedroom as I usually do, to shiver uncontrollably for about 10-15 minutes due to the side effects of my recent efforts to wean myself from my 5 year addiction to Krispy Kremes. You don't know the meaning of the word "scared" until you've found yourself in the fetal position sweating like a hyena with visions of triple chocolate custard whammies taunting you to tears.

So once I was able to pull myself together with the help of a few emergency pixie stix, I headed to the bathroom to begin my daily cleansing ritual. Due to my inability to differentiate hot from cold I unintentionally scalded my genitals in the shower with water so hot it could have cooked a wild goose. Turning to the book my uncle gave me for my birthday, Home Remedies That Sort of Work Sometimes, I decided to douse my genitals with a mixture of flour and condensed cornmeal that the author thought might help curb the burning sensation I may or may not have been suffering from.

On my way to the hospital on my bike with a bag of ice in crotch I decided that maybe the hospital wasn't the best place to have a severe genital burn examined, so I made a stop at Kennedy Memorial Middle School to visit my friend Doug who is the head of the janitorial staff and a self proclaimed quasi-expert on severe genital burns.

The first thing Doug asked me after I showed him my mutilated genitals was, "How long have you had three testicles?"

I told him the third spherical protrusion that he was mistaking for a testicle was probably just a puss-filled boil. But Doug, who takes his title of quasi-expert of severe genital burns seriously, replied angerly, "I have seen a lot of puss-filled boils in my day, and THIS my friend, is no puss-filled boil."

Teddy, "Well if it ain't a puss-filled boil, and it ain't a third testicle, then what is it?"

Doug, "Having just felt it for about 2 minutes now, I'd swear on my father's collection of used Bazooka Joe wrappers that this thing is a testicle. Puss-filled boils are way more sensitive to touch and usually burst on contact."

Ted, "Yeah, that's what she said."

Doug, "I don't get it."

Ted, "I gotta go Doug, thanks for your help."

Worried about how popular my third testicle might make me, I spent the remainder of the day organizing my wig collection.

The Best of Spinal Tap

2007-04-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

*Not a Hucklebuck Original*

Hello; my name is Marty DiBergi. I'm a filmmaker. I make a lot of commercials. That little dog that chases the covered wagon underneath the sink? That was mine. In 1966, I went down to Greenwich Village, New York City to a rock club called Electric Banana. Don't look for it; it's not there anymore. But that night, I heard a band that for me redefined the word "rock and roll". I remember being knocked out by their... their exuberance, their raw power - and their punctuality. That band was Britain's now-legendary Spinal Tap. Seventeen years and fifteen albums later, Spinal Tap is still going strong. And they've earned a distinguished place in rock history as one of England's loudest bands. So in the late fall of 1982, when I heard that Tap was releasing a new album called "Smell the Glove", and was planning their first tour of the United States in almost six years to promote that album, well needless to say I jumped at the chance to make the documentary - the, if you will, "rockumentary" - that you're about to see. I wanted to capture the... the sights, the sounds... the smells of a hard-working rock band, on the road. And I got that; I got more... a lot more. But hey, enough of my yakkin'; whaddaya say? Let's boogie!

Sex Farm

Working on a sex farm

Trying to raise some hard love

Getting out my pitch fork

Poking your hay

Scratching in your henhouse

Sniffing at your feedbag

Slipping out your back door

Leaving my spray

Sex farm woman, I'm gonna mow you down

Sex farm woman, I'll rake and hoe you down

Sex farm woman, don't you see my silo rising high?

Working on a sex farm

Hosing down your barn door

Bothering your livestock

They know what I need

Working up a hot sweat

Crouching in your pea patch

Plowing through your beanfield

Planting my seed

Sex farm woman, I'll be your hired hand

Sex farm woman, I'll let my offer stand

Sex farm woman, don't you hear my tractor rumbling by?

Working on a sex farm

Trying to raise some hard love

Getting out my pitch fork

Poking your hay

More Spinal Tap

2007-04-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

Big Bottom

The bigger the cushion,

the sweeter the pushin

That's what I said

The looser the waistband,

the deeper the quicksand

Or so I have read

My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo

I'd like to sink her with my pink torpedo

Big bottom,

big bottom

Talk about bum cakes, my girl's got em

Big bottom drive me out of my mind

How could I ever leave this behind?

I met her on Monday,

twas my lucky bun day

You know what I mean

I love her each weekday,

each velvety cheek day

You know what I mean

My love gun's loaded

and she's in my sights

Big game is waiting there

inside her tights, yeah

Big bottom,

big bottom

Talk about mud flaps,

my girl's got em

Big bottom drive me out of my mind

How could I ever leave this behind?

Draft #190

2007-04-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

The Many Moods of Facebook

-Larry isn't quite sure whether or not his last sexual encounter was with a man or a woman. But either way, he had a good time.

-Melanie is sad because her boyfriend was thrown in jail again, for the 3rd time.

-Bob hopes Melanie remembers what to do with his leftover stash of crank.

-Tim doesn't remember how he got home last night from the bar but he does remember playing horseshoes with a walrus.

-Pat is still not convinced most Cubs fans know their ass from a hole in the ground.

-Joey is upset because he joined the group "We Want More Bush" but had no idea it was a political facebook group.

-Karl is bummed out because he just recently discovered that going balls deep isn't all it's cracked up to be.

-Jim is pissed off at KFC because they forgot to include the popcorn chicken with his Big Box Meal order.

-Barry is wondering whether he should do the laundry or wear that pair of boxers with the brown streak just one more time.

-Troy is still not sure how his girlfriend convinced him to go to the museum last Friday but he is pretty sure that he is one more date like that away from being single.

-Aaron is so pleased with the 4-alarm chicken sandwich he just purchased from Wendy's that he's decided against sticking his head in the oven this afternoon.

-Christopher is not gay but he's a bit confused as to why his britches tingle every time Mario Lopez is on the TV.

-Dan is tired of having that dream of Rosie O'Donnell and then waking up with wet shorts, history class is bad enough as is.

-Andy is hoping Vladmir Guerrero hits a home run over the 300 club this week at Miller Park because that would be awesome, almost as awesome as Fig Newtons on ice cream.

-Greg is confused because if Beavis and Butthead really did do America then where is America's insertion point?

-Kurt is tired of asking girl's permission for entry, he's just going for it from now on.

-Roger is sick of hearing that the best things in life are free especially since he's a pimp and has kids to feed.

-Gary is learning one of life's most important lessons....ignoring golfball-sized dingleberries can have painful ramifications.

-Kevin isn't happy about his girlfriend's cooter smelling like a pile of oily rags.

-Lenny is absolutely sick and tired of his most recent batch of crotch lice that just won't go away.

-Wayne is currently thinking about peeing his pants but will probably just lean off the side of the couch and piss in the plant holder again.

-Renaldo just finished watching Mall Rats and is currently contemplating sticking his finger up his butt to see if the theory is true.

-Roy thinks we should stop blaming AIDS on monkeys and start blaming it on the real source....people who have sex behind dumpsters.

-Corey is certain that Guy Smiley from Sesame Street probably got his ass kicked a lot.

-Ryan is simply asking everyone not to steal his jar of urine if and when he ever becomes homeless.

-Ryan is not sure why homeless people save their own urine in jars but he figures there's a logical explanation for it.

-Mike wants everybody to know that he'd still eat an order of fries from a fastfood restaurant even if he found a pube resting on top of it. Mike thinks that if he was homeless this wouldn't even be an issue.

-Harry is thinking he likes his women like he likes his rice.....wild and dirty.

-Adam has recently cancelled his subscription to Young and Buff magazine.

-Jake is wondering if anybody else is up for some BBQ chicken pizza and a roll in the hay.

Draft #189

2007-04-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

Freestyle Fridays (The place to be when you feel like you're the only one working on Good Friday)

-I attended my second Brewers game of the season on Wednesday night and enjoyed the contest from the friendly confines of the left field bleachers. And I have to say, I like what I'm seeing thus far from the fans seated in the bleacher seats. Left fielder, Luis Gonzalez had been habitually harassed and tormented by the rowdy Brewers faithful for the entire game. And I don't care what line of work you are in, if you have a large group of people just over your shoulder screaming out, "You Suck" throughout the entire course of your workday, it will eventually take its toll on you. Could you imagine a garbageman being followed on his route every morning by a pack of college-aged punks in a pickup truck equipped with high powered bullhorns? "Hey garbageman, I heard you couldn't hack it in the recycling biz. What? Couldn't seperate the papers from the plastics? You stink garbageman!! I see you eyeing up that old garden hose Mr. garbageman. You should use it to hang yourself. Better yet, just jump in the back of the truck and end it!! Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump...You suck!! We're gonna be here all day....we're following your ass back to the dump bee-otch. You got nothing left old man, this next stop is a four bagger, you're toast!!"

Ok, you get my point, verbal harassment is a powerful tool and the fans in the left field bleachers have set a nice tone for the 07' season, so let's just hope this continues the rest of the way. Two people that happened to be sitting in the bleachers (one wearing a Cubs hat, the other a Dodgers hat) were mercilessly berated from a section away by a group of Brewers fans that may or may not have been drinking for most of that afternoon, and I'm not betting on the latter scenario. I'm not even sure what the Brewers fans were saying to the two guys but they were saying it for the duration of one or two innings and it was enough to get the guy in the Dodgers hat to give the finger to our section and a few fist pounds to his chest as if to say, "You want some of this?" Eventually the guy in the Cubs hat got out of his seat and started heading toward our section to find the ringleader (presumably to grind his jaw into powder by way of the fist-to-face method). After about 5 seconds of sitting in a seat that was closer to our section, a group of people stood up and starting pointing at Cubs hat guy while chanting, "Check his ticket, check his ticket." Finally the ushers adhered to the call and dragged both the Cubs and Dodgers fans out of the entire bleachers section altogether while our section chanted, "Usher, usher, usher." The usher waved his cap in appreciation, and an awkward situation was had by all.

But for my money, the best part of the evening was the four guys sitting in front of me. Sammy (looked a bit like Taylor Heaps) was the head of the group from what I could gather. I'm assuming these were all "tail end of college" aged fellows, probably 22-24 years old. Sammy looked like the college student that never opened a textbook, hit up every weeknight bar special, got by with B's somehow and will eventually charm his way into employment one day (the word sucker could also be used in place of charm in that last sentence). He just had me laughing the whole game, he was wearing a homemade Bill Hall jersey for crying out loud. Anytime Hall came to the plate Sammy would standup in jubilation while using his thumbs to point to the back of his T-shirt where the name "Hall" and the number two were proudly stenciled in blue on his wrinkled white cotton Hanes.

The second member of the group went by the name Fresno. From what I could gather, Fresno loathes the very existance of Kevin Mench. The hatred may come from the fact that Fresno was a rabid Carlos Lee fan and still feels quite jaded from the trade and Mench is a painful reminder, or Fresno just hates individuals with excessively large craniums, one of the two. Fresno is the one guy in the group that doesn't drink until his nose bleeds and if he had it his way he probably wouldn't drink at all on a weekday but given enough peer pressure he will indulge in a beer or two to the delight of the crew as a whole. During the game Mench had taken a pitch for a ball and Fresno responded facetiously by saying, "Wow, what an eye." Sammy fired back without hesitating, "He's got an eye like DiMaggio!" (that exchange killed me for some reason) At one point in the evening the group was debating over what was Fresno's all time greatest moment. They had it narrowed down between the time he grabbed a drink from that one guy and drank it infront of him or the time he passed out in the parking lot. I had no idea what the hell they were talking about but both moments sounded pretty pathetic out of context. What's even more pathetic is that my two greatest moments might not be too far off from that level of achievement. Bad times.

The third member of the group goes by the name of Iceman. He is the roundest member of the group and he spilled one of his beers during the game, nearly dousing Fresno in the process. Sammy spent most of the night trash talking Iceman in regards to this "Death Match" the two were going to have after the game. Apparently the two had some unfinished beer ponging to attend to and Sammy couldn't have been more excited/optimistic about the remaining amount of High Life back at the apartment that would be used to settle said Death Match. The only other thing I remember Iceman bringing to the table was the story of how he nailed one of his mom's friends recently. And if you've ever actually seen the Iceman in person you can understand why I tuned out at that moment.

The forth guy I never caught the name of and I'm pretty sure he's just an assistant to Sammy in some form or another. You can tell he has a strong sense of loyalty which presents itself in the form of his sideburns, they just look like they've been there for awhile. He finds something and sticks with it, socially acceptable or not. If Sammy were to take a leave of absence, guy number 4 would probably take control of the group. Sammy suggested they go to Chicago to see a Cubs game in June and that they should probably look into getting tickets sometime soon. Guy#4 pointed out that it may be too late to get tickets even though Sammy thought plenty would be available. Lets say for example that the other three guys come to the conclusion on a Friday night that lighting a car on fire might be something fun they could do, guy #4 strikes me as their only voice of reason. He was also the only person to challenge Sammy's stance on Brady Quinn being married to A.J. Hawk's sister, so yeah.

As it turns out; 1) This wasn't very much of a freestyle today. 2) The Brewers ended up losing that game. And 3) The "I heard Jeff Kent sexually harasses cattle" joke that I thought I said loud enough for the guys infront of me to hear, didn't go over so well. How do you sexually harass a cow you ask? Just grab her on it's hind quarters and say, "Hey sweet teats." I don't know, Kent just strikes me as the type of guy who sexually harasses farm animals. I could be wrong though.

-Since spring is offically here and baseball fever is in the air, I couldn't resist having a hot dog this week. And after the first one I told myself I'd try to keep a running log of how many linked sausages I eat this season. So far I'm at 5 hot dogs and 3 brats. Granted two of the brats were Boca soy brats and the 5 hot dogs were turky dogs, but I say it's repulsive either way. Kovo told me soy makes you grow breasts, is that true? My already B-cupped pair hopes not.

Have a Happy Easter everybody!

Draft #188

2007-03-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

Haven't I Seen You Somewhere Before?

Apparently, for those of you who follow women's basketball and honestly who doesn't, the LSU "Lady" Tigers recently advanced to the Final Four of the NCAA Tournament. I put the word "Lady" in quotations because after seeing their team photo on the homepage of espn.com, I suddenly had suspicions. Now before I continue on with this piece I just want to make it known that A) I know looks aren't everything B) I don't think I'm better than anybody and C) Judging others is wrong especially when it's based on one photo...

But holy Moses Batman, this team ain't pretty. And when I mean they ain't pretty, I mean "Dude I think that might be a guy" type level of unattractiveness. This squad might rival the 82' Brewers for most mustaches in a single locker room. After scanning the "Lady" Tigers homepage, I was able to think of a male celebrity/athlete counterpart for just about every girl on the team. So without further ado, may I present to you the LSU "Lady" Tigers basketball team.....and their male counterparts.

John Salley/Allison Hightower

Latrell Sprewell/Sylvia Fowles

Hank Aaron/Ashley Thomas

Ludaris/Kristen Morris

Maceo Baston/Mesha Williams

Devean George/Marian Whitfield

Danny Forston/Quianna Chaney

Barry Larkin/RaShonta LeBlanc

Erica White/T.J. Ford

Khalilah Mitchell/The Grinch

Not Pictured:

Katie Antony-who according to her bio, helped lead her high school to five state titles in her six seasons on varsity.

Porsha Phillips- think Darryl Dawkins with long hair.

Draft #187

2007-03-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

Weekend Review

This edition of the Weekend Review will probably read more like a Freestyle Friday entry since I spent every waking second of Thursday through Sunday parked on a couch watching college basketball and drinking beer. I didn't venture out anywhere so the events of the extended weekend all seem blurred together and I don't know what happened when.

-After spending three straight days in the company of Mr. Parker I am now some what familiar or better acquainted with the following:

*half the script to Blazing Saddles
*anything to do with a husker
*a frosty walrus
*the Cleveland Steamer
*a dirty sanchez
*meat curtains
*the University of Memphis Cheerleaders
*places to put your fingers
*why he likes his steaks pink on the inside
*a boilermaker
*a heater
*a death stick
*manhole covers
*anything to do with vodka and gambling

-I learned about the White Shadow and Warren Coolidge.

-Apparently through the course of 5-10 pickup basketball games in the late 80's and early 90's Troy Graven had approximately 578 of his shots blocked by Tom Fechter. And in convincing fashion mind you.

-Nothing kills a party quite like 321 rounds of Texas Hold'em. I can't overstate how much I absolutely loath the game of poker. I'd like to give a big F-U to the river, the flop, the blind, the dealer, the pocket ace and the pot he rode in on.

-The Sawmill Inn in Richfield, Wisconsin. Home of the largest sausages in town. Drop the name Graven and your meal will be comped. Don't ask. It's a long story.

-If you can find something more addicting than cheese popcorn I'd like to see it.

-Etiquette Lesson #104: When a friend's wife makes enough enchilada's to feed a group of twenty men it is not polite to say to that friend, "Hey Frank, your wife's enchilada tastes great!" while giggling like a school girl.

-In regards to Pride, a film about the first ever African American swim team, I'm pretty sure I liked that movie the first time I watched it when it was called Cool Runnings.

-I'm not issuing this as a threat, but if Troy Graven decides that he will be unable to attend this year's fantasy baseball draft then his healthy achilles tendon better sleep with one eye open. The only acceptable excuse for missing the draft better have the words "internal" and "bleeding" in it.

-Apparently everybody I know is a huge fan of Billy Packer. I think it's his upbeat spirit they find captivating.

-I'm not sure what would upset Pat Graven more......A stranger walking up to him on the street calling him a douche bag as he spat in his face or.... CBS cutting away from a Wisconsin Badger game during the NCAA tournament in the final 5 minutes of a close game. All I know is that the latter sequence tends to set him off into a fit of rage that would be best described as "borderline homicidal". I'd hate to be whomever has to read CBS's incoming mail within the next few weeks.

-Tyler Hansbrough's performance in the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament reminds me a bit of my scoring binge in the 8th grade Peace Hartford Invitational......nothing short of amazing.

-Note to self: Do not, I repeat, Do not dislocate your elbow. The elbow was designed to do certain things and flailing in the wind like a wet noodle wasn't one of them. Yikes.

-Sunday Night wrap up

Full Tank of gas to get you back to Milwaukee: $27.00
Gallon of milk for cereal: $3.00
Liter of Aquafina for work: $1.50
Coming home to find out your new roommate has a 42'' HDTV that confirms without a shadow of a doubt that heaven actually exists: Priceless!!!

-Pat- Thanks for housing the crew this weekend. We appreciate the hospitality.

Draft #186

2007-03-09T06:10:00.000-08:00

Freestyle Fridays (If you don't like potty humor, you came to the wrong place)

-What has Idaho really done for us lately?

A: Nobody really knows. Besides the whole potato thing they don't have a heck of a lot going for them. Definitely a sad state of affairs for our friends in the Northwest. I heard that place was littered with Canadians. We can only hope that's just a rumor and not an actual fact. It must be a rough place to live if you're a slutty girl. Imagine it, you're walking down the street and guys are constantly asking you, "Who da ho?" And your only response is to point your thumbs at yourself and say, "Idaho!"

-In one sentence, please describe to the audience what fat is?

A: Fat is when the line between baker's dozen and single serve becomes very foggy.

-What year did you finally figure out what the word porno meant?

A: It was during a 7th grade Algebra class. Jason C. told me and a group of other guys that he found a "porno mag" at his neighbor's house the previous night. I had no idea what a porno mag was so he clued me in. I knew what a Playboy magazine was (or at least the concept of it), but I was still fuzzy on the term "porno". By the facial expressions of the guys listening to Jason's story you'd a swore he found a pot of gold resting on a pile of cash in the inside of an ice cream truck that was headed to Six Flags Great America.

-Is it true that when a horse or a dog takes a dump on the track before a race that they've increased their chances of winning since they've "lightened the load" so to speak?

A: That's an old wives' tale. If it was true, wouldn't you see Olympic track stars squatting on the track before races to drop a number two to help increase their odds for victory? Until that happens, I'm not buying into the pre-race dookie theory.

-What's the worst aspect of your German heritage?

A: I'd say it's definitely the sauerkraut. I hate cabbage and cabbage related products and that makes for a tough row to hoe when you're of German heritage. It hurts when your own people look at you differently and treat you differently because of your taste preferences.

-I'd image that Adolf Hitler and the Nazi regime made for a bit of smudge when it comes to your people's heritage?

A: That's definitely top 5, although Germany's love for David Hasselhoff isn't making things any easier.

-What can you tell us about Paul Newman?

A: Not a whole lot. The guy makes a sweet salad dressing and I think he played a character in a movie that tried to eat 50 hardboiled eggs. Gotta respect a man with than kind of intestinal fortitude.

-When's the last time you've heard anyone use the term "intenstinal fortitude"?

A: The Gorilla Monsoon would use that term a lot during his announcing days in the WWF to describe Hulk Hogan's ability to absorb large quantities of physical punishment. Wrestling is also a good place to turn to if you haven't heard the term "bread basket" in awhile.

-What's the worst love making advice you ever received?

A: I was told (by a source that will remain nameless) that a girl would find it amusing if, during the end of the love makings, I told her that I'd be coming around her mountains when I come and then yell "Yee Haw" once the end of the love makings had commenced. I tell ya, any gentleman who would even think of a shenanigan like this has lost his entire grip on the pillar of human decency. For shame.

-If you were given your choice of $10,000 cash or whatever was inside the mystery box, which one would you choose?

A: It depends how big the mystery box is. I'd also need a guarantee that Dan Rather wouldn't be the mystery prize. That's about the only the thing that would leave me with feelings of regret and disappointment. Well that, and a night alone with the Pine Sol lady.

-What smells worse? Mountain energy scented Pine Sol or your own piss after you've eaten too much asparagus?

A: Sometimes in life certain situations arise where there can be absolutely no winners. I strongly believe this is one of them. According to the site, "Mountain Energy™ Pine-Sol® cleaner brings the crisp scent and feeling of fresh alpine air to every corner of your home. " Now I know what lemons smell like and I know what oranges smell like, but I'm uncertain as to what "alpine" smells like. My initial thought to what an alpine smell would closely resemble is a big heaping pile of goat excrement, and I'd prefer it if every corner of my house wasn't soaked in that auroma.

-At the start of the day what would you say the percent chance was of you seeing a hippy playing a banjo in the cafeteria at work during lunch?

A: I would have said the chances of that happening were anywhere between -25 and -15%

-And what did you see upon entering the cafeteria today?

A: A hippy playing a banjo. I'm not sure this day could get any brighter, hearing that banjo put a smile on my face that stretched from ear to ear. The only thing that could make it better was if I received word that a group of workers decided to gang up on the hippy and beat him senseless with his own banjo. Disturbing? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely. You give a hippy a two hour block in which to spread his hippy voodoo spells all throughout the company and you're asking for trouble.

-What's one aspect of being a guy that girls really miss out on?

A: That feeling you get when you fill a toilet up with piss foam. For those of you that do not know what I am talking about, allow me to explain. Certain situations arise in a man's life when he really has to piss, and I mean he really has to piss. In those situations a man's urine stream becomes so strong and powerful that the mere collision between piss and toilet water creates a violent reaction that results in the production of a foamy substance that resembles the foam/head that rests atop a poorly poured glass of beer. And if the man's stream remains strong for a long enough period of time, that individual will be able to completely cover the surface of the toilet water with a medley of tiny bubbles (or foam if you please). And as a man (of sorts) there is no greater achievement than blanketing the toilet water with piss foam, the benchmark of any great man. And ladies, or anyone who's forced to pee sitting down due to unexplained complications, I wish you could experience that feeling just once in a lifetime. There's no greater high.

-What is the weirdest and most ironic situation you could find yourself in this weekend?

A: I guess it would be if I ended up in Idaho at a race track sitting next to a German hippy porno star who's eating hardboiled eggs and cabbage out of an alpine scented bread basket as I cheer on the dog that just crudded himself before the race.

-What's the second most disturbing yet ironic situation you could find yourself in this weekend?

A: Again, I'm at the race track and my dog just won me $10,000 and I'm so excited I run to the bathroom to take a whiz and upon relieving myself I overhear Dan Rather and the Pine Sol lady going at it in the neighboring stall. Not deterred by the horrendous discovery I continue on with my business and while leaving the lavatory I hear the Pine Sol lady scream out, "Yee Haw"!!!!!!

Draft #185

2007-03-02T11:07:00.000-08:00

Freestyle Fridays (Home to the world's largest sausage factory)

-Last Saturday afternoon, due to extreme bordem, I did 40 girl pushups. Consequently, my triceps and chest muscles were sore for the entire week. Double consequently, that makes me a huge (the word I'd like to use in this space starts with a "p" and rhymes with goosey).

-I've recently learned how to successfully steam a tortilla, and I can now replicate Qdoba's chicken burritos with 87.3% accuracy.

-Once when I was little, I ate an entire 8 pack of crayons.

-My top secret, I hope nobody else drafts these guys, super sleeper fantasy baseball picks for 2007 include: Vicente Padilla, Steve Finley, Travis Fryman, Jose Lind, Orlando Hernandez, Fernando Vina, Damian Miller, Jeff Kent, Jim Edmonds, J.D. Drew, and Jose Mesa. I'm expected big things from these guys, so don't blow my cover.

-The answer to the question of the week is.....No. I am not smarter than a 5th grader. I actually thought mixing yellow with red made green. I should be flogged with bamboo for countless hours until the stupid was knocked straight out of me.

-Observation of the week: Most 5th graders are arrogant pricks.

-When I was in 5th grade we had a table in our classroom where you could sit down and read "A Light in the Attic" by Shel Silverstein. The book of poems was accompanied by a tape player and headphones so you could listen to the book on tape. But instead of listening to the cassette that was for the book, my friends and I would listen to Sir Mixalot, Vanilla Ice, and M.C. Hammer tapes.

-In 5th grade my pen name for our creative writing class was Mello Yello. I believe I submitted an interesting piece on Tim Hardaway and an angry snake that bit him on his way to school as a youngster. If I remember correctly, the story garnered four out of a possible five stars. I probably would have received five stars had I just come up with an original character instead of using an NBA all-star as the protagonist, but the Golden State Warriors were a pretty big deal back then with Webber and Sprewell so I went with what I knew.

-In 5th grade I was voted most likely to run over a bicyclist with my car once I was old enough to drive.

-In 7th grade, it turned out that Philip Spreeman should have been the one to win that award.

-The snowbanks in West Bend are the size of mountains.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like sub oil AND mayo on my hoagies.

-Portage, Wisconsin was recently voted the 15th most boring city on the planet earth by Wood Whittler's Magazine. This announcement has folks in Portage hoping that the public will soon forget their other claim to fame....the world's most populous city of gangrenous citizens.

-After digging up some background information on Barbaro, it turns out the famed horse was a longtime steroid abuser and he fathered 14 colts in Gary, Indiana under the name Steve.

-My fake perverted grandfather once told me that if a girl has extremely calloused hands that it could mean one of five things......and one of them is a really good thing. 20 years later, I still have no idea what he was talking about.

Draft #184

2007-02-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

Freestyle Fridays (No sudden moves please)

-The season of Lent is upon us and I for one will be making more than just your ordinary red meated sacrifice. This Lent I will give up the following:

*kicking midgets
*menthol cigarettes
*super unleaded gasoline
*Tae Bo
*any of the salads from Wendy's or McDonalds
*donuts with sprinkles
*graphing calculators
*the Game Show Network
*Hot Pockets
*Lean Pockets
*psychedelic mushrooms
*AM radio
*any general sense of elation
*marshmallows
*cruise control
*tooth picks
*raspberry flavored bubble gum
*bubble baths
*all Burt Reynold's movies before 1991
*the use of the words "bunyon" and "gyroscope"
*crosswalks
*aluminum foil
*polyester
*The View
*and anything Carson Daly related

It will no doubt be a trying time for yours truly, but with your help I think I will make it.

-Here is a list of bands that have had the rug on their road to success pulled right out from under them:

*The Backavenue Guys
*97 Degrees
*The Peach Boys
*Totz II Gents
*Oyster Jelly
*Rob Seger and the Golden Bullet Band
*The Rolling Scones
*Rig and Bich

-A couple of Febtoberfest notes:

*Ben Alger won the award for most socially awkward moment (that I can remember) when he stared down that lady singing karaoke at DeMarini's. This scenario reminded me of the Will Ferrell (cowbell) skit where he was slowly banging on his cowbell while staring at a fellow band member who had a problem with Will's exuberant cowbell skills. Ben was standing a foot away from this complete stranger of a (middle aged) woman while she was trying to sing her song, and he must of stood there for at least half the song, if not more, with this "I am probably going to kill you immediately after you are done singing" type look on his face. To this lady's credit, she continued on through her song without even flinching. If there was ever a time I wanted to get into someone's head to hear what they were thinking, this was it. The thoughts racing through her head had to of been absolutely priceless. Kudos to you Ben, you created a memory.

*And in case you were wondering.....yes......Big Naked Nate did make an appearance. Four people were rendered paralized in the process.

-Why is Buffalo Wild Wings referred to as BW3? Shouldn't it be called BW2? Or Buffalo Wild Wild Wings? If anyone can steer me towards the light on this issue that would be greatly appreciated.

-Yesterday I was at my parent's house and during dinner my dad lifted up his pant leg to show me the hideous marks he had on his ankle due to an accident at work. To me, it looked like a German Shepherd had been gnawing on his leg for an entire afternoon but he claimed it was all due to a mild chemical reaction. I can't exactly explain how it happened because when he talks about anything mechanical/car/machine/or plumbing related it mostly sounds like Japanese to me because he's so gifted with fixing things and I'm completely useless. But I do remember hearing the words gasket and pvc piping. He was rotating something and something started leaking and water got into his boot and the water had contained some sort of chemical in it and he didn't even notice he was burned until 2 hours later. That's my dad, tough as nails. And this has been another installment of.....My Dad is Tougher Than Your Dad.

-Since I'm a contractor (a temporary employee) I spend most of my day working with protractors.

-One of the protractors in my department claims that pizza never really became popular until the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies came out in the late 80's/early 90's. Naturally I was stunned and confused trying to even imagine a world where pizza wasn't very popular.

-Two places I come close to having panic attacks:

*when I'm at the register at the grocery store and I have a shitload of groceries and a line behind me.
*when I'm in any buffet line struggling with whatever item I'm trying to pick up with a set of tongs.

In both instances it feels like everyone around me is breathing down my neck and I wish I could just backhand the nearest person across the face and scream out, "I'll be done in a second damn it, just get off my ass already!!" I guess this would be classified as a mental problem.

-Did you ever think about what it would be like to have a tracking device on you and how boring it would be for the person who was doing the tracking. I'd feel sorry for that guy, in my case anyway. I'm not much of a mover or a shaker. If I'm not sitting on a couch, a toilet, a car seat, at my work desk, or in bed, something's gone wrong.

-During the last Phoenix Suns game I watched, announcer Dan Majerle was screaming, "Mom.....the Meatloaf!!!! while the game was breaking to commercial. I don't know why he was screaming that line but all I do know is that he is becoming one of my favorite analysts.

-Before I send you all off for the weekend my friend Tim Hardaway has something he'd like to say:
"Real Wisconsin Cheese is the best. While happy cows may come from California, statistics have shown that 45% of California cows are indeed gay which means that eating Real California Cheese could make you gay as well so make sure to only eat Real Wisconsin Cheese."

2007-02-18T17:50:00.000-08:00

Weekend in Madison

2007-02-18T17:48:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:41:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:39:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:37:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:35:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:32:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:30:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:27:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

Febtoberfest II

2007-02-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:19:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:17:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:15:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:13:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:11:00.000-08:00

2007-02-18T17:07:00.000-08:00

Draft #183

2007-02-16T07:29:00.000-08:00

Freestyle Fridays (Serving both red and blue Kool-Aid)

-Domino's has just released a Cheesy Garlic Bread Pizza. I believe the concept for this pizza is as follows: They take a normal medium pizza, dip it into a large drum of the buttery garlic sauce that comes with every Papa John's pizza, sprinkle some extra cheese on top and wallah.....you have the greasiest pizza to ever hit the market. They should have a guarantee that states if you don't get at least 5 extra zits within 5 minutes of eating this product, you get your money back.

-Speaking of greasy pizza, the greasiest pizza I ever ate was in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. My family and I were on vacation and we stopped at a Pizza Hut on the main strip. After successfully choking down a pan pizza, Haus, Pops, and I were amazed at the amount of grease this pie contained. We were almost put off by how saturated it was, and I repeat "almost". With our meal complete we scanned the room over while sipping the last of the soda. Dad noticed that a small family had just exited the restaurant and had left a half a pizza behind. He asked a waitress if it would be possible for her to box up the remains of the stranger's pizza for us because "our dog Sparky" just loves pizza. She of course willing boxed up the leftover pizza and the Ballbach boys finished up the free pizza while strolling down the strip, much to the disgust of mother.

-Speaking of disgusting my mother....back in my little league days my mom was watching one of my games from a picnic bench near the on-deck circle of my team's dugout. While I was at the on-deck circle swinging or stretching or whatever it is players do at the on-deck circle, my mom was explaining to a parent seated next to her that I was her son and blah, blah, blah. Apparently while my mom was pointing out who I was, I let one rip in the middle of a practice swing. It was loud enough for both my mom and whoever she was conversing with to hear (in my defense I get quite gassy when I'm nervous). On the way home after the game my mom said she was never so embarrassed in her life.

-I was in Madison recently and here's some bullet points from that weekend:

~Brother's was selling pitchers of beer for only $2 a piece last Saturday afternoon. Consequently I became quite drunk. Drunk enough that during the hockey game that evening I was willing to run up and down the aisle of our section in order to high five everyone at the end of their row after each goal scored. Yes, I was that guy.

~The morning after we headed to the International House of Pancakes for some breakfast. I.....having recently finished some Ian's pizza from the night before was not hungry for breakfast so I decided to order the bowl of fruit, something to keep me occupied so I wasn't just staring at everybody else while they ate. It turned out that my minuscule bowl of musk melon and cantaloupe cubes with a spattering of grapes cost $6.99. It's as if they almost promote obesity at this place for crying out loud. I could have gotten a nine-egg omelete, 2 pots of coffee, a whole pig, and a medium stack of pancakes for half that price. That was an outrage!! On the way out Adam said, "I bet you can't eat this pancake in one bite." So I folded that flapjack twice without blinking and shoved it in the old cakehole. It took me the walk from our booth to the front entrance to finish it and I looked like Dizzy Gillespie exiting the joint, but I did it.

-If you're reading this blog for the first time I'm not exactly painting a very pretty picture of myself. I swear I'm much more than a flatulence passing alcoholic who bums food off of other people. I swear. At least I hope so. Oh goodness, sad realization settling in, accept or deny.

-How come the orange juice I usually purchase claims to be "Not From Concentrate" yet suggests I shake well for fresh squeezed taste? Sounds fishy.

-It was Febtoberfest Eve and all through the night
Filzen was frantically counting
All the cans of Miller and Bud Light

The keg was strategically placed
In the bathtub with care
In hopes that cousin Jon
Won't pass out right there

He glanced through the guestlist
And all the names warmed his heart
Even a Janke soaked mattress
Couldn't break this party apart

Come one and come all
To the chateau in the Falls
We'll eat and we'll drink
And later on Nate might show us his balls

Febtoberfest number two
Is but a few hours away
The anticipation is building
Just ask BMA

So to you Mr. Filzen
What more can we say
Here's to Febtoberfest
And a Happy Birthday!

Draft #182

2007-02-15T12:14:00.000-08:00

So what did you do for Valentine's Day?

Tim (Tippytoe, Nebraska): I slipped on a pile of manure yesterday and the little lady hosed me down. We shared a pot roast and watched the Lawrence Welk show together.

Joey (Rankshire, New York): I got stabbed in the neck by some lunatic. The focker didn't even have the decency to attack me face to face. I showed him though, I ended up following him home after I unwedged the fork from my neck and I killed all his goldfish.

Daren (Pilkington, Colorado): I gave my wife a one pound bag of chocolate covered pretzels and told her I'd be surprised if they lasted through the weekend. I in return, was given a savage beating.

Eric (Jelk, Minnesota): I watched Alando Tucker and the Wisconsin Badgers destroy my beloved Gophers. After the game I went home and finished a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of Roy Orbison with my mom.

Tom (Jelk, Minnesota): I hid in a closet while Eric and his Mom were finishing up that damn puzzle. Thanks to Eric's early return I only got to do his mom one and a half times.

Edward (Jelk, Minnesota): I live in the apartment above Eric and his mom and I listened to his mom and whoever she was with make sweet animal love for almost 2 hours. It sounded like an electric egg beater was somehow involved with their love makings but I'm not sure how that would work. I was watching the Lawrence Welk show and had to turn up the volume on my television set.

Bob (Kittydorst, Pennsylvania): I made love to my wife Patty of almost 32 years. And by "made love" I mean I watched. And when I said "to my wife Patty" I meant scrambled porn. And by "of almost 32 years" I meant 4 hours. I'm not good with diction.

Larry (Charka, Wyoming): I attemped to host my first annual Valentine's Day Butter Lover's Party but no one showed up. Now I'm left with a heap of fresh baked bread, popcorn, biscuits, corn cobs, baked potatoes, pancakes, and muffins with no one to help eat it. It's my fault though, I should have known the margarine convention was in town. I guarantee next year's party will be out of this world.

Chris (Charka, Wyoming): I'm Larry's brother. I was in charge of handing out all 300 flyers for his stupid butter party. I threw all the flyers in the dumpster in the alley next to the strip club where I spent my Valentine's. Today when Larry asked me why I thought nobody showed up to his party, I made up the whole "margarine convention" thing and I'm pretty sure he bought it.

Rick (Wilbet, Connecticut): I spent 3 days making a Valentine's Day card for my girlfriend Susie. When I finally gave it to her yesterday she broke up with me because she said my knuckles were too hairy. I told her I'd shave them but she said that my knuckles really weren't the problem, rather it was my chronic dandruff. I told her I'd have a doctor look at it but she insisted the dandruff wasn't actually the real problem, rather it was my peg leg. I told her that thanks to technological advancements, prosthetics could turn my crotchety limp into a smooth John Travolta type strut. She sighed, looked up to the ceiling and said OK, here's the truth. "I can't be with somebody that thought the Pink Panther movie (starring Steve Martin and Beyonce Knowles) was a legitimately entertaining film. It was a piece of crap movie and I've lost all respect for you. A frenchmen trying to say the word "hamburger" in an American accent is not even remotely funny and you laughed for almost ten minutes straight". My only chance to salvage the relationship was to try and convince her that I was pregnant. She told me that guys with halitosis can't get pregnant and that was that. It was over.

Draft #181

2007-02-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

Freestyle Fridays (A TrimSpa free environment)

-If I had to guess what the cause of Anna Nicole's death was, I'd say she was done in by her favorite food..... pizza. The good people at Domino's tried to warn her that diet pill wasn't a topping but she just wouldn't listen.

-I heard they found chunks of diet pill on a used piece of floss that was laying in her garbage.

-After examining Anna Nicole's residence for clues, FBI agents reported that they found large amounts of stupid.

-With the Celtics clearly tanking the rest of the season to increase their 2007 draft position, here is a list of possible ailments that Paul Pierce may eventually come down with in an effort to keep their winless streak alive:

1) Dislocated eyelash
2) 98.9 degree fever
3) An itchy belly button
4) George Kastanza-like unexplainable involuntary movements
5) And if they can't come up with a phantom injury, then anything he eats between now and the end of the season will have a high probability of giving him "food poisoning" or so we would be led to believe.

-If I owned a restaurant I would claim that all of my beef comes from cows that jumped over the moon. Some might say I'm cornering the market, others might say I'm a liar. I just think that flying cows taste better. Is that such a crime?

-Why did John Amaechi lead the league in 5 second violations during his playing career? Because he can't let go of balls.

-What was John Amaechi's favorite practice drill? The three man weave.

-I guess this explains why John was so good at setting backdoor screens.

-Why doesn't John Amaechi like eating at Arby's? Because he can't stand roast beef.

-If you're like me, you can't remember one damn thing about the 2006 Winter Olympics. Why isn't basketball considered a winter sport anyway?

-If John Amaechi was in the movie Alive and had to eat one of the other passengers/teammates to survive do you think he'd start off with a salad or go straight to the main course?

-If John Amaechi was a farmer he'd be baling gay for a living.

-Febtoberfest alert: I claim the top of Nate's fridge! Sleeping real estate at Filzen's will be hard to come by so I'm staking my claim early.

-My friend Bob is so perverted. I told him I blew a hammy the other day and he thought I gave head to a pig.

-Keep your eyes peeled for the breakfast Hot Pockets commercial where the mom drives her kids past a window of their own home (successfully passing it off as a drive-thru because her kids are retarded). Please take notice of how everyone in the van holds their Hot Pocket after the idiot dad gives them their food. Nobody in their right mind would hold a Hot Pocket like that. It was as if John Amaechi choreographed the whole commercial.

-Congratulations Katharine McPhee, you just cracked my top 5 list of the most beautiful girls on the planet. I'll be in Madison this weekend if you'd like to track me down.

-Ok folks, if you could.....please close your eyes for a moment and let me paint you a picture:

You're at the office.
You're having a rough day at work.
10 minutes ago your boss just reamed you out for the ninth time.
You wish somebody would just put that ass hammer in his place.
All of a sudden "I want to break free" by Queen starts playing in the background.
You're initially confused but eventually become filled with an urge to inflict pain.
To your surprise everything appears to be moving in slow motion.
Somebody you don't even know just handed you a pair of boxing gloves.
You're having trouble piecing together why all these things are happening to you.
Just then you notice your boss walking slowly in your direction.
He's got that smug look on his face that makes you want to vomit up a shoe.
And just then it hits you and you realize what you have to do.
And before that Rolls Royce driving mother focker can even open up his crooked mouth,
You reach back and pop him one in the chops so hard he soils his ironed gray slacks.
You're instantly charged with emotions you never even knew existed.
Your co-workers are wildly jumping up & down for the dragon has finally been slain.
You never thought this day would come.
Finally, you've found freedom.
And to celebrate.....
Margaritas!!!

To me, that's what Valentine's Day is all about.

Draft #180

2007-02-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

Freestyle Fridays (It's more fun than counting sheep but just barely)

-The first four things that run through a guy's mind just after he's been kicked in the satchel:

1) I can't believe I just got kicked in the satchel
2) What kind of a person would actually kick somebody in the satchel?
3) It feels like my satchel is in my stomach
4) I hope I never get kicked in the satchel again because this bloody hurts

-Something you could say to a girl that might get you kicked in the satchel:
Hey baby you have a very pretty smile....vertically speaking that is.

-Watching part of the Miami Heat game last night I couldn't help but notice that Jimmy Buffett was sitting courtside and he seemed to be having a really good time. If the NBA is good enough for Jimmy, shouldn't the NBA be good enough for you? If the NBA isn't fantastic then why would Jimmy be in attendance? These are questions some of you should be asking yourself.

-For those of you who were bored as all get up last Friday night (Nate) you missed out on another great time in downtown Milwaukee. Here's what you missed:

1) Meeting a former University of Kentucky linebacker who happened to be the brother of a former University of Michigan quarterback. And not just meeting meeting, but he was hanging out with us the whole night.
2) Free admission to Buckhead's.
3) The biggest bar brawl in Buckhead's history....which we were in the middle of thanks to the douchebag that mouthed off to the wrong linebacker. Alright, maybe it wasn't the biggest fight in the history of the establishment but it was by far the biggest one I've ever seen in person. I'm pretty sure Haus stabbed a guy.

-So I'm standing in line at the gang bang and I ask the guy in front of me:

Me: "Hey, what number are you?"
Guy: "My ticket says I'm number 742."
Me: "Hey, I'm 743! How about that?"
After an awkward pause I asked the same guy,
Me: "Do you think she'll be pussing by the time we get up there?"
Guy: "I sure hope not."
Me: "Yeah, me too."

-I literally just overheard a co-worker talking about how she wants to go to a particular bar on Layton Ave. that serves 22 oz. Bloody Marys before she dies. Wow, talk about your lofty aspirations. Some people want to hang glide off a cliff in the Bahamas or travel around Europe before they die, but not this lady, she wants to check out a bar on the other side of town to sample a tomato based alcoholic beverage. Good times.

-My Super Bowl prediction: In a tight game, the outcome will be determined on a halfback option pass by Cedric Benson. His pass will be intercepted though by Bob Sanders who will get creamed by Rex Grossman on his return attempt after running in the open field for about 15 yards. Ruben Brown will pick up Sander's fumble and rumble into the endzone carrying five Colts on his back. Gould misses the extra point forcing an overtime and Peyton Manning hits Aaron Moorehead for a game winning touchdown pass on the very first play. Colts win 26-20.

-On a divorce application under the "Reasons for Filing" section, I wonder how specific some of the options are? I'm pretty sure irreconcilable differences is one of the options but what else do you have to choose from on that list? Can you check off a box next to "Her apple pies lost their zest" or "She hasn't gotten off the couch in 5 weeks?" I'd be pleasantly surprised to find that "Bad Haircut" was on that list of choices. "Honey, I understand your need for a change but if you get your hair cut like that again I will have no other choice but to file for divorce." I'm sure that situation arises often enough to warrent its own box on that checklist.

-But seriously folks, when was the last time you had a jelly filled doughnut? I can't even remember when, and that's a damned shame.

-Studies have shown that drinking beer out of a large glass boot is 25% more fun than drinking beer out of an empty glass peanut jar. The study went on to show that people who regularly drink beer out of either container are 73% more fun to hang out with than someone who pickles their own vegetables. Obviously, this isn't a very brainy study.

-If Febtober Fest continues to expand at the rate it is currently expanding, it will become a National Holiday by 2014. The guest list will include numerous celebrities and I will be serving punch behind a table in a white suit with a name tag that has my name misspelled. Nate will stumble by my wing of the party late at night and ask if we went to high school together. I will tell him I never graduated high school and he will tell me that is probably why I serve punch for a living. I will ignore his comment and will be thankful for having had the chance to meet Dana Carvey.

-Last week I engaged in some good old fashioned bartering with the roommate. I traded him a can of generic white soda and a leftover unit of sweet sour dipping sauce from McDonald's in exchange for a slice of Roundy's American cheese and one farm fresh egg. I was eating some chicken nuggets in the other room and he told me that he was donating an egg to my stash since he had one left in his carton and he was trying to make room in the fridge. I returned his favor by donating an extra sauce container to his collection of food (a noble gesture if I've ever seen one). A couple minutes later he asked if he could have a can of soda from my stash and I said only if I can have a slice of cheese. So was this a fair deal or did somebody get taken for a ride?

-I'm thinking of giving Oil Can Harry a run for his money by starting up my own band and calling it Oil Pan Gary. We are going to rock twice as hard! Just you wait.

-Punxsutawney just looks like a misspelled word even when it's spelled correctly.

-What is Lisa Turtle doing these days? I've seen Zack, Slater, Kelly, Jesse, and Screech in a different TV program, movie, or tabloid since Saved By the Bell. Everyone of them has found a way to make it to the public eye in some form or another, except for Lisa. Can't she find any work? This doesn't seem right to me. If she ended up marrying Mr. Belding or something terrible like that please don't tell me, I'd much rather remain in the dark.

Draft #179

2007-01-26T06:58:00.000-08:00

Freestyle Fridays (Where dreams almost hardly rarely ever come true)

-I think the title of "World's Oldest Person" should be replaced with the title "Person Most Likely to Die Very Soon".

-The last two times I've had a pizza delivered to my house from Domino's, they haven't collected the coupon I used to place the order. Both delivery men admitted to me that they don't even ask for the coupons anymore. I would just like to say that I am a huge fan of this policy and I will be phoning in a 3 large pizzas for $17.99 order sometime in the not so distant future.

-Someday I'll be a guest on Conan O'Brien promoting my new fictional novel, "Adventures of Dandruff Boy".

-The grossest thing I've seen within the last week came courtesy of the lady on stage at the Northern Lights Theatre during a free Pat McCurdy concert. Pat finished his concert with the song "Sex and Beer" and audience members were allowed to come on stage and act out some of the choreography that goes along with this particular song. The lady in question is probably pushing 3 bills and whenever the word "sex" was sung, the people on stage would make a humping or thrusting motion. Now I have nothing against this lady for going up on stage and having a good time, I was just more concerned about the tight, sky blue, stretchy pants she chose to wear that accentuated the massive bulge that was just below her waist line yet still above her lady area. And maybe her choice of clothes wouldn't have bothered me so much had she not put so much voracity into her pelvic thrusts. It was like she was trying to thrust her way through a steel wall. Her effort level was head and shoulders above the other participants and I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wonder if she's available and if so, how would I get her number?

-Whenever I hear the UPS slogan, "Brown does more than you think" I always picture a UPS delivery man suggestively flashing the shocker symbol to a female customer in the middle of a delivery, as if the lady receiving the package might invite the delivery man inside the house to prove the slogan true.

-If you're a lawyer and you're representing a sex offender, I guess that makes you a sex defender. But what if you're a lawyer and you're representing a sex defender? Does that make the lawyer a sex offender? I'm obviously confused.

-Ned Delski's super duper dating tip #142- Before every date, it's important to eat a hearty meal incase your date will be in need of your manly services for the duration of the entire evening. That's why Ned eats a polish sausage dressed with mustard, onions, sauerkraut, and horseradish before he takes any lady out for a night on the town. Of course Ned never forgets to wash his meal down with a tall cup of jalapeno n' blue cheese flavored java. Ned likes to fuel up for the felines and you should too.

-Things you should never admit to wanting to see but you would totally watch on the internet if someone else was doing it in a foreign country #137-- Terrorists cooking genetically disoriented cats in a microwave. Damn those terrorists! Damn them.

-I bet the stenographer's notes of the first time the pop rock group Hanson got a groupie to come up to their hotel room would make for a great read. It may have marked the first time a female was ever lured into bed with the promise of receiving a gumball machine. "I'll give you all the colors of the rainbow baby."

-Regarding the Taco Bell commercial featuring Carmen Electra, do you think she actually swallows the bite she takes from the grilled stuffed burrito at the end of the commercial? I'm thinking she spits it out as soon as the scene ends and has her tongue massaged with rose pedals by a couple of the on-site assistants.

-A sign that you've made it big in America: A sample of your earwax just sold for $20,ooo on Ebay and it was reported stolen one week later.

-I had no idea Jimmy Durante's nose was so big.

-If you were starting a cover band would you rather be called The Fuzzy Scarfs or The High Fives?

-I don't understand the phrase, "Cool as a cucumber" at all. Do cucumbers display an uncanny ability to remain calm under pressure? I'd much rather be compared to being as cool as a cow. They don't seem to be swayed or bothered by anything, even horse flies, and I'm talking about the really big horse flies. Plus, I've never seen a cucumber ride a wave on a surfboard while cows, as is commonly known, are excellent surfers.

-Prediction. Eva Longoria will contract a rare form of gonorrhea before it's all said and done, and since she is so beautiful and popular the NCNVD (National Committee for Naming Venereal Diseases) will name the disease, evalongorrhea.

Draft #178

2007-01-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

Freestyle Fridays (Where the only thing that smells worse than the writing is the writer)

-The song "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder was in danger of being overplayed about three weeks ago.

-I've overheard a lot of girls lately claiming that they're bringing sexy back. And while that may be partially true, part of me wonders who decided to beat sexy in the face repeatedly with a burlap sack full of nickels before bringing said sexy back. If that's sexy, then maybe sexy should be left wherever it's been hiding before you decided to bring it back.

-Question. Does anybody here have any doubts as to whether I can eat 40 Chicken McNuggets in one hour? If you do, please put your money down on the table and I will prove you wrong. Any time, any place. (Although I'd prefer it to be on a Friday after work when I am usually the hungriest) If the 20 McNuggets I ate in 10 minutes last week is any indication, I've got what it takes to be a slob and then some.

-I was walking in the parking lot at Hart Park yesterday morning and noticed a large vehicle resembling a dump truck heading in my direction. I decided to step to the side so the truck had plenty of room to pass, and as the truck was passing I decided to stand there like a goon and wave to the driver like any friendly person would do. Since I was looking at the driver to see if he would respond to my wave, I failed to notice that he was driving a salt truck and I almost took a few salt rocks to the old eye socket. The salt ended up just hitting me in the temple and I'm very glad that I didn't have to have shards of salt forcefully removed from the interworkings of my extraocular muscles.

-A new season of American Idol is underway and I could be less interested.

-If you haven't been to Sal's pizzeria in downtown West Bend yet, please do. That's damn good pizza. If you like things that are big and floppy, Sal's will not disappoint.

-Rashida Jones, the actress that plays Karen Filippelli on NBC's The Office, is the daughter of Quincy Jones. I did not know that....till now. And I am more than relieved that Dwight Schrute is back. His absence from the show would have been a complete catastrophe.

-Sometimes I wonder about what percentage of men have actually closed fist punched another man in the face in their lifetime. That looks like it would hurt from both perspectives. I'm thinking it's in the 30-40% range, but I could be wrong though.

-I've always thought that one of the greatest marketing gurus of my generation was the guy who would fly a plane over County Stadium during games with a Heartbreakers advertisement banner flapping in the wind behind him. He probably thought to himself, guys like baseball, guys like boobs, why not fly a plane over the stadium and let them know where they can find boobs. Genius.

-I would just like to take a moment to thank every teacher who ever let us correct our own quizzes or homework assignments. You're the best.

-I spent an afternoon this week listening to Jimmy Buffett songs on the internet. I think I'm slowly turning the corner people, slowly.

-Is putting steak sauce on your steak really that big of a crime? Some people view A1 sauce as grafiti, like you're better off dipping the steak in toilet water before each bite. Not sure I quite understand.

-In case you haven't realized it, both Febtoberfest and St. Patrick's Day fall on a Saturday this year. I'd suggest you exercise your liver in advance so it doesn't go into complete shock.

-You're in the middle of your fantasy baseball draft and you are forced to take either Ryan Howard or Derek Lee with your next pick, who do you draft?

-And......I officially have writer's block. Hopefully next week's performance won't be so rusty. Until then, smile, laugh, drink, and aim for the pink. Or shoot for the stars, whatever motivates you.

Draft #177

2007-01-10T12:06:00.000-08:00

The Prima Donna

People often ask me, "Hey Andy, if you don't start work until 8:30 in the morning then why do you get up at 5:00?" I usually respond to that question by telling the person that it's none of their business and that they are welcome to go suck on a huge bag of lemons. But after so many inquiries even I started to wonder, "What the hell am I doing all morning and why does it take me so long to get ready?"

Some people have told me that I probably spend a good 50 minutes a morning trying to tame the tiger or fondle the frankfurter and those accusations are absolutely, positively, completely false. Thanks to superior genes, activities such as those usually take no more than 2 to 3 minutes, tops.....and that's even if I decided to engage in such apprehensible affairs. Only a complete ogre emancipates his erectlamation more than one or two times per lunar month. And since I am a man of high moral decorum then you can be assured that I only fall to the seduction of the slippery seal trouncing, but once or twice a year.

And since I'm not spending my mornings diddle daddling with my doodlebug, then I guess that still leaves three and a half hours worth of unexplained time. And while I still retain that it's none of your damned business, I have graciously decided to fill you in on my morning routine.

For starters I set my alarm clock every morning (Mon-Thur) for 5am. I also set my cell phone's alarm clock for 5:05 am just incase of an unexpected power outage. So after the second alarm sounds, I rub my eyes, turn on the light, and then proceed to curse out the cold, my work situation, my shoddy physical conditioning, my lack of a stable relationship, and all who have wronged me in any conceivable capacity.

At this point it is about 5:15 or 5:20 and it is time to put in my contacts and then let mother nature do her business (aka--drop some dirty bananas into the wishing well...also aka--take a morning crud). Once, I've lightened the load, I put on the running sweats and make my way out for a morning jog at about 5:35-5:45.

I usually make it back to the homestead around 6:25-6:35 assuming I haven't been mauled by an angry raccoon or an uneven sidewalk crack. Once I'm back I do some stretching and some crunches (if the mood hits me--which is almost never) and then I'm ready to hit the showers at about 6:45-6:55. At this point I really have to watch the clock because my roommate gets up at about 7:30 and I have to be out of the bathroom by then and I still have to shower, futz with my hair, eat breakfast, clean my cereal bowl and orange juice glass, brush my teeth, get dressed, and make my bed. I shave on Tuesdays so I eliminate breakfast from the routine on that day to help save time.

God willing, I am able to hit the road by 7:45 inorder to get to work by 8:10. It's possible to leave my place a half hour before I'm supposed to start work and still make it on time, but the traffic has to be moving absolutely smoothly for that to happen and that's something I don't like banking on too often.

So there you have it, my morning routine. Before the holidays when my jogging route was around Miller Park and I was able to run the whole thing without stopping too often, the running portion of my morning routine would take me only 30-35 minutes. But now I've found a new route and I'm walking a little more so the running portion takes me a good hour (I'm basically running/walking from Miller Park to Leff's Luckytown).

Make sure to check in tomorrow to read a brand new installment of Freestyle Friday where I'll be discussing the usual topics; food, sports, things I saw on TV, girls, food, and things you can do with your arm pits.

This is Hucklebuck signing off and reminding you that.......if it's been over two months since YOUR last blog entry, maybe YOU should just shutty uppy........thanks for the comment.

Draft #176

2007-01-08T10:40:00.000-08:00

Fixing the Heat

I don't blame Pat Riley for wanting to take some time away from coaching the Miami Heat because this team is a mess. Shaq has missed the majority of this season due to knee surgery and Jason Williams, James Posey, and Antoine Walker have all missed time due to injuries as well. The Heat are old, rickety, and hanging by a thread in the woeful Eastern Conference and their future is looking quite bleak. If it was up to me, I'd blow this whole team up and start over as soon as possible so some of Wade's prime seasons won't be wasted away.

(Now before I start listing all the moves I would make to retool the Miami Heat's roster, I'd just like to make it known that I realize the majority of these trades probably couldn't or wouldn't happen because of the salary cap and a host of other factors. But to my credit I'm not exactly taking on some big time talent here. I'm looking for high energy guys, shooters, scrappers, no egos, guys who haven't been given enough minutes to shine, and most importantly, youth.)

Step One

-Trade Shaquille O'Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers for Anderson Varejao. Sideshow Varejao as I have cleverly nicknamed him, is only 24 years old and has been sharing time with Zydrunas Ilgauskas ever since he's been in the league. Varejao has a good outside shot and is extremely mobile, the exact opposite of Shaq. I'd also be curious to see if Shaq had enough in the tank to help LeBron James capture his first championship. But as the pseudo general manager of the Heat, I'm very excited to have my new starting center.

Step Two

-Trade Jason Williams to the Orlando Magic for Travis Diener. This intrastate point guard swap would reunite the two former Marquette guards and save the Heat some cash in the process. I'm not sure how Diener would be able to handle starting point guards night in and night out defensively, but I'd like to see him get his chance. Williams played his college ball in Florida so he probably wouldn't mind sticking around the sunshine state for a couple more seasons until he retires. And if he does mind, then tough titties, cuz the Heat are no longer in need of his services.

Step Three

-Trade Antoine Walker to the Atlanta Hawks for Josh Childress. With Josh Smith and Marvin Williams playing the same position as Childress, it appears he will probably never get a chance to play heavy minutes as a starter as long as he's in Atlanta. Walker is rapidly breaking down and now moves with all the grace of a dump trunk in quicksand. Plus, Walker has already played for Atlanta so that should be an easy transition for him.

Step Four

Trade Udonis Haslem to the Utah Jazz for Paul Millsap. Millsap is going to be a huge talent in the NBA someday and he needs to get out from under Carlos Boozer's shadow and be in a situation where he can get more than the 15 minutes a night he's currently playing. Haslem isn't somebody I'd label as being part of the Heat's current problems, but I think Millsap has a higher ceiling than Haslem and he could surpass Haslem's level of production very quickly if given the chance to play. And as an added bonus, Millsap is five years younger than Haslem.

Step Five

-Trade Dorell Wright and Jason Kapono to the Houston Rockets for Luther Head, Steve Novak, and John Lucas. Wright has the youth that the Heat is looking for, but I like the fact that all of the players the Heat would be gaining in this trade have had success in college and they are all young. Plus, I couldn't pass on reuniting Wade and Diener with Novak.

Step Six

-Trade Alonzo Mourning to the Los Angeles Lakers for Rony Turiaf. If Shaq gets to try and mooch a ring off of LeBron, then why not let Zo try and mooch one off of Kobe. Zo could teach Andrew Bynum and Kwame Brown a thing or two about being a center in the NBA, and Rony can be the first guy off the bench once either Millsap or Varejao needed a breather. Turiaf plays the game hard every second he's on the court and he's always rooting for his teammates when he's on the bench. There's a lot to like about Turiaf and nobody in their right mind wouldn't want him as a teammate.

Step Seven

-Trade James Posey to the New York Knicks for Renaldo Balkman. In a couple of years, with some intense training, Balkman could be a Dennis Rodman type player but with a way better shot. Substituting Balkman and Turiaf into a game at the same time would be a scary thought for a lot of opposing teams. It'd be like having a team of wild pit bulls let loose in your bedroom and you only had a roll of toilet paper to protect yourself. Pure mutiny.

Step Eight

-Trade Michael Doleac to the Philadelphia 76ers for Shavlik Randolph. Doleac would be reunited with former college teammate Andre Miller and all of Philly would rejoice!

Step Nine

-Trade Gary Payton to the Milwaukee Bucks for Charlie Bell (Bucks trade Payton back to Seattle in exchange for Ray Allen).

The Rest

-Trade Wayne Simien to Phoenix for James Jones
-Trade Chris Quinn to Charlotte for Matt Carroll
-Waive Robert Hite
-Retain Earl Barron

2007-08 Roster

C-Anderson Varejao
PF- Paul Millsap
SF- Josh Childress
SG- Dwyane Wade
PG- Travis Diener

Bench

-Rony Turiaf
-Shavlik Randolph
-Renaldo Balkman
-Luther Head
-Charlie Bell
-Earl Barron
-Steve Novak

Inactive List

-Matt Carroll
-James Jones
-John Lucas

*2007 draft picks not accounted for

New Year's Eve in Chicago

2007-01-01T17:36:00.000-08:00

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Draft #175

2006-12-22T05:38:00.000-08:00

Freestyle Fridays (Where we're starting this thing bright and early)

It is currently 7:40 in the AM as I write this and you are reading the newest installment of all things random.....

-Today is the official start to winter. There is nothing humorous about that.

-As I was waking up this morning on my sister's couch at 4:20am I saw something on the TV that read as follows: In 1659 Massachusetts passed a law that made celebrating Christmas a criminal offense. I just thought that was something you should know. But that was back in the day when you could get flogged for almost anything, like not lining up single file at the DMV.

-All I want for Christmas is a sunburn......and maybe some Chex Mix.

-If Brenda Lee's version of Rockin Around the Christmas tree doesn't put you in a good mood then nothing on this planet ever will, and may God have mercy on your soul.

-If you don't know who Minka Kelly is by now then do yourself a favor and check out the link.

-Pat Graven makes the best Oreo ice cream tort in the Western Hemisphere.

-David Lee's tip-in against the Bobcats in double overtime on Wednesday night with 0.1 seconds remaining in the game was one of the greatest plays of all time. If you don't believe me, ask one of the other five people who watched that game.

-Top 100 warning signs that you might be ugly: Warning #46 You are getting some pictures taken for your husband at a professional studio and you overhear the photographer saying to his assistant, "Good Lord, photoshop is going to be hurting in the morning."

-Here's something I'd be surprised to get from Santa Claus: A tub of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" That would definitely be one of those...I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry gifts.

-Do people in Asia kiss on top of the mistletoe?

-There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas....but you better believe my mom's balls will be filled with rum....Wait a second....that didn't come out right.

-Rudolph the raging alcoholic reindeer, had a very shiny nose.

-I don't understand why Brawny paper towels have such girly flower patterns on them. I thought that was supposed to be a manly paper towel? If the Brawny paper towel guy is whipped then there's no hope for the rest of us.

-A guy walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "So what a you'll have?" Guy says I'll have the house specialty. The bartender replies, "You want a one legged hooker with a stammering problem?" Guy asks, "You really have those here?" Bartender replies, "Sir.....we are in Kentucky." Guy says, "I'll take mine with a lime then."

(If anyone can turn that into a Norman Rockwell for me, please do)

-A recent study showed that individuals who drink Budweiser out of an officially licensed Nascar can coolie on a semi-daily basis are 100% more likely to beat their spouses than individuals who work in a monastery.

-If you were to name your son Griswold, would he be more likely to grow up an ax murderer or a serial killer?

-I don't think any of you really grasp how much I hate colored socks. They look horrible on everybody.

-My Christmas list for Santa this year included socks, two pillows, and a stir fry pan. If you think I'm kidding then think again.

-Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts is a complete skank.

-Zach Randolph of the Portland Trailblazers looks a lot like Eddie Winslow from Family Matters.

Draft #174

2006-12-19T11:09:00.000-08:00

Pick Your Poison

1. Who would you rather be manhandled by in a fight, Brooke Hogan or the actor who played Bobby Brady from the Brady Bunch?

-That's a tough one. Brooke is a manly sized woman while Bobby Brady is a womanly sized man. If either of them decided to call in for backup, Brooke would most likely be calling on the 24-inch pythons while Bobby would call on big brother Greg. I'd never turn down the chance to beat the crap out of Greg Brady (that big dork), so I guess my answer is Bobby Brady. Although I can't imagine a much worse scenario than having your arms pinned back by Greg and Peter Brady while that little freckly faced spaz repeatedly rabit puched me in the rib cage.

2. Would you rather be a high school janitor or a garbage man?

-Wouldn't I be picking up trash either way? This is the dumbest question ever. The janitor gets to pick up trash indoors, but has to deal with the messiness that is commonly associated with toilet care. Garbage men, from what I hear, get lots of chicks. So I'd pick garbage man.

3. You're stranded on an island for 8 months and the only thing you can eat during that time is Grape Nuts cereal or bandaids soaked in motor oil. What do you choose?

-Without blinking I would choose the bandaids soaked in motor oil because I'm pretty sure eating those would cause me to vomit and I have a feeling that my vomit might taste a lot better than the Grape Nuts.

4. Who scares you more, clowns or astronauts?

-Definitely clowns. They're basically hobo's with makeup. Although there's something to be said for Russian astronauts and their unwillingness to bathe.

5. What candy bar angers you the most, York pepperment patties or the Hershey bar?

-York peppermint patties have been pissing me off for years. That crap shouldn't even be labeled as candy. If you think chocolate covered toothpaste is a treat then you are an idiot and I don't think we should be friends anymore. (I liked this joke the first time I heard it when Jim Gaffigan told it, I just realized this now). As far as the Hershey bar goes, could it Be more boring?

6. If you became a porn star today how would you begin your first scene ever? Pizza delivery man or confused caveman?

-As tempting as it would be to deliver the classic "Did somebody order a pizza with extra sausage" line, I'd have to go with the confused caveman. Not because I like it wild but because I'm thinking the script would be easier to follow.

7. Who would you rather have on your basketball team, Allen Iverson or a piece of driftwood?

-Both can catch fire, but the the driftwood is more of a team player.

8. What's more irritating, sand in your shoe or water in your ear?

-The process for getting rid of water from my ears is a lot more taxing than the steps involved for getting sand out of my shoe. The real question should be would I rather have poopoo on my shoe or gum in my hair?

9. What would you rather have as a pet a gerbil or a goldfish?

-Can you flush gerbils down a toilet? If yes, then I choose gerbils. If no, I choose goldfish. For me, it's all about the convenience of disposal since I anticipate forgetting to feed either animal from time to time.

10. What's worse, never learning how to read or never learning how to ride a bike?

-People have made their way through life without learning either, but I'd say not knowing how to ride a bike is more embarrassing.

11. What takes more grit, drinking Fleischmann's brand vodka or utilizing public transportation?

-The weird thing is, somebody right this instance is probably doing both at the same time. Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead doing either one of them.

12. Will the Chicago Bears be knocked out of the playoffs in the second or third round?

-Both scenarios sound fantastic. I haven't seen anything this over-hyped since Todd Marinovich.

13. What would you rather have for Christmas, a comb used by Bert Reynolds or a case of Yo-J?

-Carrying around a comb previously owned by Bert Reynolds would be an ultimate conversation starter. But on the other hand Yo-J combines the great tastes of yogurt and orange juice, a taste sensation that sounds almost too good to be true. But I gotta go with the comb.

14. Who could have used a good spanking the most, Sally Fields in Mrs. Doubtfire or the Joan Cusack that appears in those U.S. Cellular commercials?

-Just phone Joan is in desperate need of a hearty spanking and I'm just the man to deliver it. She's a very naughty girl, she just doesn't know it yet.

15. And finally, who would you rather have show up to your birthday party, Flavor Flav or Chuck Norris?

-I know. I just blew your mind.

Draft #173

2006-12-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading an article written by David Thorpe of ESPN.com that dissected Adam Morrison's play so far this young season. He pointed out the good and he pointed out the bad aspects of Adam's game and it was a very interesting article that got me thinking about what if somebody had dissected my game that thoroughly as a sophomore in high school? Using Thorpe's article as an outline, here is what I came up with.

Offense

The roots of Andy's struggles:

Ballbach entered his JV season the same way he entered his freshman campaign, a bit on the chunky side. After watching this guy run sprints in practice, it isn't clear as to whether he's been visiting McDonald's everyday or just every other day, but what is clear, is that he's about 7 Big Mac's away from playing Saturday morning city league basketball if his conditioning doesn't improve. After just 2 sprints down the floor Ballbach resembles a wild boar giving birth to septuplets, he's just extremely winded and starts turning an embarrassing shade of red that I wouldn't begin to describe as being natural. If I was a member of this coaching staff I would definitely have a defibrillator or two on hand just in case this kid has a massive gripper on the court.

At the grade school level Ballbach's scoring prowess relied heavily on the fact that he was 5 inches taller than most of his opponents, and now that the field is leveled he just appears overwhelmed.

Offense: With the ball

Ballbach operates primarily in the post but is also adept at stepping out into the 15-18 foot range to hit open jumpers (assuming the game isn't on the line, ie--West vs. Wisco freshman season). The only problem with his jump shot is that there can't be a defender within 10 feet of him if he is going to hit one from the perimeter and even then.....? He's not what we in the profession refer to as a "gamer" he's more of a practice hero, a guy that drains shots in practice but crumbles in the spotlight. And while his post moves rival that of Kevin McHale's or Hakeem Olajuwon, his overall lack of height and upper body strength really doesn't intimidate anybody. His range can occasionally extend out past the 3-point line, his shot has a nice clean rotation to it, but the loading process is almost robotic and lacks a genuine flow.

As for ball handling.....let's just say that Ballbach is less than proficient in this category. He has a tendency to start fastbreaks on his own after the rebound and when he makes it to halfcourt, assuming the ball hasn't been stolen already, he stops at the first sight of resistance and feverishly starts scrambling to find the point guard. The look of panic on his face is usually quite comical and you'd wish he'd just make the outlet pass immediately after the rebound instead of trying to do his best Antoine Walker impression. He has a deceptive quick first step and is repetitively able to get by defenders, but....he is not a great finisher and is usually rejected by defenders in the paint.

His passing skills aren't too bad actually, he keeps the offense flowing and is always willing to make the extra pass. He knows his role in the offense and plays within himself, for the most part.

Offense: Without the ball

When the ball is not in his hands, Ballbach is good at two things, boxing out and setting screens. And while the screens he sets aren't very punishing (players have reported that running into a Ballbach screen is like running into a giant pillow) he contributes by keeping opponents from interfering with the players on his team that actually CAN rebound. This skill is something that doesn't show up in the box score, but his ability to occupy space is an attribute that should not be overlooked.

Defense

Try as he might, defense doesn't appear to be the calling card of this husky sophomore. He does a good job of getting himself into a good athletic position when on defense, but when you don't have an ounce of athleticism, all the positioning in the world can only get you so far. Whatever quickness he has that allows him to get by defenders on offense is completely void on the other side of the floor. On defense he moves his feet as if he were standing in 8 inches of mud. This deficiency is the main reason he's not a great pressure defender because he's forced to give his man a good four feet of space at all times so he doesn't get beat off the dribble.

He does display a strong comprehension of where he should be in terms of defensive rotations and he is a good help defender. He also has a good sense of anticipation that allows him to play the passing lanes semi-effectively. The utter disregard for his body bodes well for his willingness to take charges and dive for loose balls.

Overall Outlook

The minutes will be hard to come by at the varsity level for Mr. Ballbach, assuming he even makes the varsity team next season. He's definitely one of those bubble players who will be affected by the level of talent in the classes before and after him. If the 1999 or 2001 class have a surplus of talent he could find himself on the outside looking in. His game would translate very nicely to the Saturday moring city leagues and he would be highly sought after if he was indeed cut.

With his father standing at 5'8'' and his mother at 5'3'', the scouts aren't exactly gitty about his growth potential. What you see is what you'll be getting with this young man for the next few years. If he does make the varsity level next season he will struggle to find a position. With everybody passing him up on the puberty charts, he'll be undersized as a post player and too slow to be out on the perimeter. His contributions will likely be made on the scout team in practice and maybe even as a pseudo waterboy on road trips.

In summary, despite being very critical of his game, Ballbach is not that bad of a player. He's a good kid that stays out of trouble, does well in school, and has a good rapport with the other players and coaches. If I was a betting man, I'd say there is a better than 50% chance you'll be seeing him on or near the basketball court for West Bend West the next couple of years.

Draft #172

2006-12-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

Weekend Review

Friday: I spent the evening at Pat G's house watching the Badger hockey team defeat North Dakota 4-3. Stack and Haus were also in attendance and we all had the privilege of watching Pat nearly lop one of his fingers off while attempting to cut up a green pepper for his world renown chili. Speaking of the chili, if you've never fried up 20 lbs of pork sausage I recommend you do sometime, the aroma is absolutely exhilarating. (This message was brought to you by the good people at Lindsay Foods, Inc.---The one stop shop for all your meat and meat related needs!)

Watching Pat prepare a chili feast proved to be quite an exhausting endeavour, so Haus, Kurt, and I decided to down an entire bottle of Captain to help spell the tide. After a couple of Brooklyn Style Pizzas from Dominos, it was time to pass out.

Saturday: We gussied ourselves up bright and early for a hearty breakfast down at the Old Sawmill Inn in hopes of seeing our favorite waitress, Carol. On the way over I offered anyone in our car $20 if they would slap Carol in the ass after placing their order, and as it turned out, not one of them stepped up to the plate and pulled out the unthinkable (it didn't help that Carol wasn't working that particular day either).

Disclaimer *--The good people at Lindsay Foods, Inc. do not condone the deplorable and insensitive act of sexual harrassment under any circumstances--*

It turned out Haus was the last person to receive his food, a calculated act that Pat perceived as a payback for the boot-shaped mug that Haus stole from the Sawmill last year.

Disclaimer*--The good people at Lindsay Foods, Inc. do not condone the thoughtless act of stealing merchandise under any circumstances--*

During breakfast we had an interesting conversation as to what the breakfast equivalent to a corn dog is called, ie--an oversized breakfast sausage link on a stick wrapped in pancake batter as opposed to a hot dog on a stick wrapped in cornmeal. The majority at the table were convinced, without reason, that it is referred to as "a pig in a blanket". I on the other hand do not buy that theory. I thought it was called something else, but I wasn't sure what. Maybe something along the lines of "Lumber Flap Jack Sticks" or "Paul Bunyan's Breaded Breakfast Boners". Pigs in a blanket doesn't seem specific enough for me, that could apply to any pork product wrapped in a breading of sorts. Perhaps this is a mystery to which there lies no answers? Or perhaps I am an idiot of a magnitude not yet defined?

Disclaimer*--The good people at Lindsay Foods, Inc. do not participate in the practice of referring to particular cuts of meat as male reproductive organs. While they do admit that certain cuts of meat like brats and Italian sausages do draw a similar resemblence to the male organ, they are also professional enough to realize that such comparisons are infantile and inappropriate.--*

After breakfast it was back to Pat's to watch the Marquette/Badgers game. As you all know by now the Badgers ended up winning the game in convincing fashion, thus ruining the lives of Marquette fans everywhere. Luckily for me I have no extreme emotional ties to one school or the other, but I did however have a bit of a financial stake in the matter, a stake that I ended up profiting off of to the tune of five whole dollars. Permission to submit the "Boo" and the "Yah", in that order.

In an effort to make sure I spelled boo-yah correctly I stumbled across an urban dictionary that explained the phrase boo-yah in a number of ways. Pay particular attention to the first definition provided at:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=boo-yah

Disclaimer*--The good people at Lindsay Foods do not condone giving your girlfriend or significant other a boo-yah under any circumstances.--*

Once the Sheepshead games begin at the Graven residence that's my cue to leave because A) Only 55-72 year olds find that game fascinating and B) I'd rather be ravaged by a wild pack of rabid wildebeest than to have to sit through more than 5 seconds of that game. If you think that game is fun then go ahead and do yourself a favor and take up knitting as a hobby because you're already leaning on that fence, so just do it. I'm sorry, that's just the way I feel.

After leaving Pat's with a belly full of chili it was off to Grafton to witness one of the greatest sporting venues to ever hit this state, of course I'm referring to Blizzard Brawl II.

Since I'm running out of time, just a few random thoughts about the event:

-Chugging cans of High Life in a bus between matches really heightens the wrestling experience.

-Tito Santana and King Kong Bundy are out of shape.

-Bobby the Brain Heenan is extremely skinny and looks like he's on the brink of death.

-Doink the Clown wrestled in the main event.

-I started a "Tito" chant that got the whole gym rocking.

-I took a picture of a guy in the crowd because his shirt was so bad.

Blizzard Brawl II

2006-12-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

2006-12-11T18:48:00.000-08:00

2006-12-11T18:44:00.000-08:00

2006-12-11T18:41:00.000-08:00

2006-12-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

2006-12-11T18:35:00.000-08:00

2006-12-11T18:24:00.000-08:00

Draft #171

2006-12-08T07:10:00.000-08:00

A Fantasy Football Nightmare

For the better part of this season my fantasy football team had been performing at a very high level, and at one point I believe my team was 7-2 and I was tied for the league's best record. My starting lineup consisted of Donovan McNabb, Ronnie Brown, Willie Parker, Julius Jones, Javon Walker, Marques Colston, Ben Watson, and Ryan Longwell. During this high point of the season ESPN.com's Eric Karabell (a fantasy sports guru) had McNabb, Parker, and Colston all ranked in his weekly top 12 list of the game's best fantasy players, and Ronnie Brown was one of a handful of players that he noted as being close to top 12 status. My team was running on all cylinders, Walker appeared to be completely healthy after an ACL tear last season, McNabb was thriving even without a marquee receiver, Fast Willie Parker was coming into his own with Jerome Bettis out of town, and Marques Colston was doing his best Terrell Owens impression circa 2002.

And then a few weeks ago the shit officially hit the fan when McNabb suffered a season ending knee injury, leaving me without one of the top 3 players in all of fantasy football. And from that point on, my team has been taking a complete nosedive into the lonely realm of fantasy football mediocrity. Colston sprained his ankle the same week McNabb injured his knee and has been sidelined ever since. Ronnie Brown broke his hand on Thanksgiving Day and hasn't played since. Julius Jones has been slowly but surely losing his job to Marion Barber and is all but worthless at this point. Javon Walker now has a rookie quarterback throwing to him and whatever chemistry he had with Plummer is now out the window and it's anybody's guess as to what his numbers will be like the rest of the way.

After a 7-2 start, my team is limping into the playoffs with a 7-6 record. Sure I made the playoffs and not every team in the league can boast that claim, but my outlook is looking pretty bleak right about now. I still have Parker, Walker, Watson, and Longwell in the starting lineup but the rest is a complete toss up. I had to pick up Ronnie Brown's backup Sammy Morris and plug him into the starting lineup, and when Sammy freaking Morris is starting for your fantasy football team you know you've reached new heights of desperation. Jamal Lewis, who's been riding pine for my team all year long, will be getting the nod over Julius Jones and I can only pray that Lewis and his bah-donkidonk accidentally fall ass backwards into the endzone at least once since rushing for more than 65 yards is something Lewis doesn't do anymore. Colston is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Cowboys so I have no idea what to expect from him even if he decides to play.

And now to the crux of this entry. With McNabb out, I now had the daunting task of figuring out who would be my starting quarterback for the opening round of the playoffs. Ben Roethlisberger has been my go-to backup QB since McNabb's departure and he has been serviceable ever since he was thrown into the starting lineup. Jeff Garcia was the only other option I had at quarterback and his 3 touchdown performance against Carolina the previous week had now made him an option worth considering.

Garcia or Roethlisberger?

Who should I start?

If I survive this opening round of the playoffs I'm guaranteed at least a shot at a money game in the later rounds, so this decision is huge. And here's the thought process I went through to make the decision.

-Both Garcia and Roethlisberger were playing shitty teams this week, the Redskins and Browns respectively, so matchups didn't play much of a factor in the decision.

-Big Ben played on Thursday night and I historically do not enjoy having guys on my team play that early in the week because they usually end up playing poorly and then I'm heading into Sunday down a player or two while my oppenent has all 8 guys on his team yet to play. I don't enjoy the psychological uphill climb.

-If my season were to have ended because Garcia shit the bed against Washington, I would never have forgiven myself. I am NOT a Jeff Garcia fan at all. But.....I like Andy Reid and the Eagles offense and Garcia did throw those 3 touchdowns on Monday so maybe I should....

-I mean afterall, Ben (i've grown physically tired of writing Roethlisberger) leads the league in interceptions thrown this season, he's recently had a concussion, he's looking very statuesque lately ala Drew Bledsoe and his offensive line is giving up a lot of sacks lately. If the Steelers have trouble scoring points Thursday night against the Browns, then having both Willy and Ben in my lineup would be a killer going into Sunday.

-Garcia does talk with a lisp, but my goodness, he did throw for over 300 yards on Monday Night against Carolina and did I mention he threw 3 TD passes?

-Hines Ward was declared inactive for the week and Ben's main targets include Nate Washington and Santonio Holmes. Yikes, that doesn't sound very appetizing.

-Garcia dumping off a couple of TD passes to Bryant Westbrook? Now that seems like a possibility.

By days end I had made my decision. I'm going to start Ben Roethlisberger, and that's that. I read Karabell's column and he predicted a 200 yard, 2 TD pass night from Ben and that's something I could live with. Once the workday completed, I walked straight down to the computer island, and set my lineup with confidence.

But....just as I completed submitting the lineup I noticed a little blurb on the website about how the weather in Pittsburgh was going to be terrible. The forecast that evening was calling for 14-18 mph winds with gusts as high as 32 mph. The temperature was to be 25 degrees at gametime and dipping below 20 degrees by night's end with precipitation likely to be in the mix. So I immediately flash to my first ever Packer game in which the Packers beat the Drew Bledsoe led Buffalo Bills in a December matchup that was played in sub 20 degree weather. I recalled the final score of that game being 10-3 or 10-7 and how impossible it was to throw the ball in those conditions.

So now I'm not sure if Big Ben should be my choice and I've got a little over two hours to figure out if I want to start him or go with option B. Luckily I have the NFL Network Channel at my apartment so I'd be able to investigate the weather conditions a bit before settling on a decision. The pregame show does little to convince me that Roethlisberger should remain in my starting lineup. Hines Field looks desolate, the crowd is said to be slow in arriving to the game because of the dangerous road conditions. The field itself looks like crap because it was overused lately thanks in part to local high school state championship games and even by the Pittsburgh Panthers football team. The sideline reporter starts rambling about how he talked to Roethlisberger himself and he told him that "The ball was traveling heavy" and that "Ben's passes were being lifted off path due to the wind during warmups."

And that's when the red flags in my head started waiving feverishly.

Throughout that very day I was flirting with the possibility of signing rookie quarterback Vince Young and plugging him into my lineup. A move that bold would surely get the league talking. It's the kind of move the league would be talking about for years to come. It would be reminiscent of when the Packers signed Andre Rison to get them over the hump in 96'. And after witnessing the weather conditions in Pittsburgh this pipe dream scenario starting making more sense. I slowly started talking myself into the idea with each passing second.

-My team is in utter shambles right now, and who better to spark some excitement than one of the league's most young and promising talents.

-He's beaten the Giants and the Colts in back-to-back weeks, he's really on a roll.

-He's playing the Texans this week? The Texans blow. He's sure to carve them apart. Right?

-Plus the game is in Texas so this would be his homecoming and Vince always comes through in the spotlight.

-Fellow rookie Reggie Bush just had his breakout game last week with 4 TD's. You don't think Vince noticed that? He's had Bush envy ever since the Heisman trophy ceremony their last year of college.

-Young has over 300 yards rushing this season and he hasn't even played the whole year, he's got to be good for 1 rushing TD and even one passing TD? Right?

-(Me glancing at the TV) And you know for damn sure there ain't going to be any snow in Texas.

So with 10 minutes before kickoff, the knee jerk reaction was in full affect. I signed Young, benched Roethlisberger and the only thing left was the crying. What happens next you ask? Big Ben gets creamed on his first pass attempt and is rushed to the hospital making me look like a genius for not starting him? I wish. Rather, Ben proceeds to throw a 49 yard TD pass to Nate Washington with three minutes remaining in the first quarter, completely pissing on the laundry list of reasons I had for not starting him. I swear he looked right into the camera after that pass and he told me to "suck it".

The rest of the game was pure agony. The Browns couldn't defend a damn thing, not the run, not the pass, nothing. My only saving grace was that the Steelers had trouble finishing a good share of their drives because of a few arrant Roethlisberger passes. He could have easily posted 3 or 4 TD's if he connects on some of those passes in the redzone. The other saving grace was that Willie Parker ended the game with 223 yards rushing and a score. But as mammoth as Parker's performance was for my fantasy team, it generated the same amount of fantasy points as Ben's 225 yards passing, 2 TD's and zero interceptions. I've never been closer to vomitting without the aid of overeating or drinking in my entire life. I couldn't have asked for more than what Roethlisberger delieverd on Thursday night, and I flushed it all away.

Willie and Ben combined for 36 points which is one less than what my entire team scored in the final week of the regular season. Am I grossly overreacting to this whole quarterbacking decision? Absolutely. Is it still mathematically possible for my team to advance to the 2nd round? Sure it is. Is there any chance Vince Young will post as many points as Roethlisberger this Sunday? Not a snowball's chance in hell. Am I immediately regretting this decision? You bet. Am I the dumbest person in the history of the universe? Quite possibly. Do I realize the rest of my team could put up massive numbers this weekend or vice versa, thus making the quarterback decision irrelevant? I never really thought about it that way. At this point I'm positively convinced that a decision this stupid could only have painstaking consequences.

I signed Young with the expectation that he'd throw for 120 yards, rush for 45 yards, and possibly score once via the air and the ground, with probably 1 or 2 interceptions. That would give him anywhere from 14-18 points. Is that statline totally out of the realm of possibility? Not at all. I admit I'm expecting a lot out of a rookie, but I just had a feeling. And in the end, I guess I can go to bed soundly at night once it's all said and done knowing I was bold enough to act on the hunch. Whether it works out or not is anybody's guess but I know one thing is for certain......... Gambling on football is fun, and lots of it.

Bucks Beat Blazers

2006-12-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

Michael Redd

2006-12-06T21:22:00.000-08:00

Andrew Bogut

2006-12-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

Bud Selig at the Dry Cleaners

2006-12-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

Wendy's

2006-12-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

Draft #170

2006-12-05T12:07:00.000-08:00

Joey Explains Christmas

Oh hey there Timmy, what's that you say?
Christmas is the dumps and you wish it'd just go away?
Now stop right there, before the worst comes to pass
Santa might hear you and beat your scrawny ass

Everyone loves Christmas, that's the absolute truth
Now you better buck up before I knock out your front tooth
Your attitude stinks and you're bringing others down
I suggest you pull a 180 before Santa comes to town

People who hate Christmas are the nation's graffiti
And they're no better than Hitler or Benito Mussolini
They probably don't have a soul, of that I'm pretty sure
And their hearts are pitch black and reek of a rich horse manure

Now I'm sorry to say this, I hate being the bearer of bad news
But if you continue on this path, made famous by a one Ebenezer Scrooge
You'll grow up lonely and pathetic, owning way too many cats
And you'll die alone in a field full of blood sucking rats

Now does this sound like fun, is this what you want to become?
A crusty old geezer or a booze sucking bum?
For without Christmas spirit, you'll forever be on Santa's shit-list
And with each passing year, he'll grow even more pissed

So for your own sake, may I suggest you at least fake some cheer
A few Joy to the Worlds might help keep Santa, from bloodying up your ear
You best turn that frown upside down and stop acting like a turd
Cuz a kid who don't like Christmas is just way too freakin absurd

Santa can't comprehend, your piss poor attitude
Calling him a bearded twat rag wasn't very polite, in fact it's down right rude
So if you want Santa to leave you more than just some coal or a Matchbox 20 CD
Show everybody your holiday spirit and how much of a jolly soul you can be!!

Draft #169

2006-12-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

Hucklebuck Holiday Remix

Snot marks on flannel and boobies with tassels
Pop Rocks in cola and burgers at white castles
Stawberry scented lubrication that rarely ever stings
These are a few of my favorite things

Shat stained whitey tighties and wet shaven poodles
Douche bags and dip shits, and free porno on Google
Passing out drunk on the steps of Buffalo Wild Wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cops dressed as hookers with big brown mustaches
And the guys who get busted, looking for one-eyed splashes
One night in the slammer and the pain that it brings
These are a few of my favorite things

When my kidneys break down
When hemodialysis is failing
When I feel like a big pile of goo
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so blue

Draft #168

2006-12-04T10:55:00.000-08:00

1. What is your occupation?
-I'd rather not say. It's a bit embarrassing. But..... if you must pry, I am the water boy for the Milwaukee Bucks dance team. With dreams of one day being promoted to the position of locker room towel coordinator.

2. Do you like banana sandwiches?
-I'm pretty sure that's not even a sandwich. Now throw some peanut butter in there, and you've got something.

3. What are you listening to right now?
-I was watching a Larry Bird interview on NBA.com.

4. What was the last thing you ate?
-My lunch consisted of a crab cake, rice, zucchini slices, and milk.

5. Do you wish on stars?
-Like porn stars? Oh...you're probably referring to those self-luminous celestial bodies consisting of a mass of gas held together by its own gravity in which the energy generated by nuclear reactions in the interior is balanced by the outflow of energy to the surface, and the inward-directed gravitational forces are balanced by the outward-directed gas and radiation pressures....... If that is what you are referring to, then no, I don't.

6. If you were a crayon?
-I'd probably huddle up close to the pink crayon that has most of her paper wrapping missing.

7. How is the weather right now?
-It's cold, really cold. I'd range it somewhere between the South pole and witch's tit.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
-Justin. He wanted to make a fantasy football roster change.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
-She's one of the funniest girls I've ever been around.

10. How old are you today?
-I just turned 19 last week. Actually, a wise man once told me that you're only as old as your balls are wrinkled. Which puts me at about 72 years old.

11. Favorite sport to watch?
-It's a tie between European Goat Wrestling and Asian Ping Pong.

12. Have you ever dyed your hair?
-Never. I don't believe in false representation.

13. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
-Both, but never at the same time. That would be stupid, besides, it gives me a headache when I do that.

14. Pets?
-If I wanted something living with me that made unpleasant noises, smelled terribly, and constantly left wet spots on the carpet, I'd have Adam move in with me.

15. Favorite month?
-It has to be July. I mean come on now, you've got Independence Day, Summerfest, my birthday, warm weather, baseball, the lake, cookouts, and blue lagoons.

16. Favorite food?
-I love pizza. I wish somebody would have been keeping a running log of how many I've eaten in my lifetime thus far. And then perhaps my social status would be based on that number. And then in some weird twist of fate, I'd own a yacht.

17. What was the last movie you watched?
-I watched "You, Me, and Dupree" on Friday night. And I'll have to admit, Kate Hudson looks better in underwear than I do.

18. Favorite day of the year?
-Any day in which I receive pizza coupons in the mail.

19. Coke or Pepsi?
-I usually try to avoid drinking soda for the most part, but for the sake of the questionaire I'll admit to thinking Pepsi tastes the best. But....unfortunately I always buy Coke because I like the packaging better. And...Corporate America planted a chip into my brain at a young age so I'm medically and socially inclined to prefer Coke. That.....and I have a taste for rum and polar bears.

20. What do you do to vent anger?
-Vent anger? You have to keep that bottled up, that's what I do. If you went around swearing at everybody just to let off some steam the man would come and take you away to the loony bin. If you don't believe me, just ask my uncle Pete, he'll tell ya.

21. What was your favorite toy as a child?
-My WWF action figures. I had the ring and everything. My Liono (Thundercats) action figure was a close second.

22. Fall or Spring?
-I have yet to experience either, I live in Wisconsin. We have summer, and then 3 degrees of winter (the unexpected early winter, winter, and the painfully slow end of winter).

23. Hugs or kisses?
-It depends who's doing it and where it's being done.

24. How many kids and Grand-kids?
-My 72 year old balls have yet to bear any fruit.

25. Do you want your friends to email you?
-In lieu of electronic mail respones, please send cash.

26. Who is most likely to respond?
-I don't think any of you are stupid enough to send cash, but it would be nice if you did.

27. Living arrangements?
-I have clock radio, need I say more?

28. When was the last time you cried?
-It was after Tiffani Amber Thiessen and I first broke up. I was devastated!

29. What is on the floor of your closet?
-Shoes and some dust bunnies.

30. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
-Definitely Buckwheat. Friends who have bathed together, stick together.

31. What are you afraid of?
-Most Taco Bell employees, salmonella, snakes, clowns, and people who can drink half a bottle of whiskey in one evening without dying.

32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger?
-I like spicey cheeseburgers with bacon. Plain? Who eats a hamburger plain without being repressed by some totalitarian form of government? That's no way to live damn it!!

32b.Would you eat a hot dog if it was shaped like a hamburger?
-Why would I want to eat a bologna sandwich? Only inmates and overwhelmingly poor people eat bologna.

33. Favorite car?
-I'm really not into cars. As long as it gets me from A to B and doesn't brake down constantly.

34 Favorite dog breed?
-I'm partial to miniature weiner dogs.

35. Number of keys on your key ring?
-Counting the key for my human-sized birdcage? About 6 then.

36. How many years at your current job?
-A year and a half of dealing with people who answer "either/or" questions by responding with a yes. It's been fabulous.

37. How many cities have you lived in?
-Two. West Bend and Milwaukee.

38. Place you most want to travel to?
-Wherever the pizza flows like peanut butter and banana sandwiches, just off the coast of hamburger shaped hot dogville.