Friday, August 17, 2007
Draft #202
Random Questions
1) If you had to convince someone to quit drinking coffee how would you do it?
-I'd tell that person to rise above the pleasures of caffine and be their own person. Any simpleton can become addicted to coffee but it takes a strong individual with the heart of a galapagos turtle to steer clear of the devil bean altogether. I'd tell them the chilling story about my friend Jake who became addicted to carrot cake at the age of thirteen after trying a few cups of Folgers. The kid was so hooked on the stuff, he'd spend 75% of his paper route earnings at the bakery. Today, Jake will not be able to see the premiere of Superbad because his favorite cineplex doesn't have a single seat that can accommodate a man of his exceptional girth. I'd let that person know that coffee is the gateway beverage to a seamy world of fatty snacks and sweat pants. I'd tell them to quit now while they're still young because while today may bring just one sugar and two creams, tomorrow may be bringing an elephant shaped bong and a barrel full of benzocaine.
2) Give us one explanation as to why you've never tried a gyro yet?
-I think it might have something to do with my fear of feta cheese....which is an extension of my fear of things that crumble...which is an extension of my fear of what's about to happen to the Brewers in the next month.
3) If you had two friends, what would you serve them at your next get together?
-72 strips of bacon and 64 ounces of fruit punch. I'd call it the pleasure platter.
4) What are some of the more popular things that people are saying these days immediately after farting in order to divert attention away from the despicable act they just committed?
-Well I'm not so sure as to why I was elected the expert on this subject but I'd have to say that people are placing an awful lot of blame on geese these days. Some other phrases I'm hearing are:
-Whoops, it slipped.
-I shouldn't have eaten that fishbowl filled with mustard, gasoline, and pitted prunes.
-Good Lord, that's going to be foul.
-Break out the fine china honey, I just dropped a dandy.
-Oh my, that right there had to of been a double dutch bowel flush.
-Too bad that one couldn't be framed, it's so pretty, so pretty.
-If I was Chuck Norris, you'd be mildly aroused right now.
-I'm pretty sure that Bessy, the disease riddled cow with IBS down the street, has passed sweeter smells.
-And the classic....that one had been festering for sometime now, sorry to see her go, but she's here now, so let's all learn to love her.
5) What's the worst business idea you've heard of recently?
-This guy I know wants to set up a shop in Arizona called "Harry Carey's Used Toboggan Emporium". I told him that was the dumbest business venture man has ever concocted but he immediately sat me down and showed me a 45 minute power point presentation on why he thinks tobogganing trends will be at an all-time high in the Southwest in the next 15 years. I was so impressed with his presentation that I cut him a $500 check to help get his business started, and wouldn't you know it, I forgot the guy's name and the phone number he gave me is no longer in use. Oh well, I just hope everything turns out well, sounds like he has his work cut out for him.
