Thursday, September 28, 2006
Draft #148
We here at Hucklebuck Records have dug up the lyrics to one of the lesser known Elvis songs from his later days when jumpsuits, porkchop sideburns, and beer guts were just part of the game. No Title
Hey baby, wonch ya do daddy a flavor
And pass your hunk a hunk a burnin love, the channel changer
I think I ate too many cucumber, mustard, and bacon sandwiches
And now I'm stuck with a belt without any usable notches
Hey baby, I can barely move
But later, I hope you're in the mood
Cause your sugar bear's gunna give ya somthing sweet
Something that's gunna knock you right off a your feet....
....Yeah, you're probably right
My love doesn't even last 10 minutes into the night
Doc says my limburger n' gravy nachos might be hurtin' my game
He says that's why little Elvis is always coming up lame
Oh don't be cruel, to a stump that droops
Don't be cruel, to a chub that's loose
My bath soap's made of fudge
And baby it's still you that, rubs my nub
Some people will try to tell you for goodness sakes
That peanut butter, ham, and ketchup has no place
A top a high fluffy stack
Of buttery homemade pancakes
Don't ever listen to anyone that cruel
That's just broken advice from a bumbling fool
Go ahead and eat that deep fried Philly cheese steak with extra garlic and a side order of Grandma's brand spicey flavored pork rinds and wash that down with a vanilla, fudge, raspberry, honey, mint chocolate chip, cookie dough shake, rattle and roll baby.
And if you don't top that off with some deep fried bananas
Then you ain't no friend of mine.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Draft #147
Freestyle Fridays (Soothing tympanic membranes all accross the county)
-Hey douche bag, reading isn't music to the ears!
-As of Wednesday, I've officially become a godfather.
-As of yesterday, I've officially become the proud owner of an internet connection in my apartment.
-I can't stand people who don't know how to whisper.
-I love trying to resist laughter in situations where laughter isn't warranted.
-Fortune cookies are rapidly becoming one of my favorite desserts.
-When given the choice between regular fries or waffle fries, I'll usually choose waffle fries.
-Manure smells even worse when it's warm.
-I just got my first Blockbuster card.
-When somebody tells you, "Hey check it out." You're probably going to see something really hot, fat, or ugly.
-I kind of like having a legitimate reason not to eat spinach.
-Sewer rats make for horrible house pets, yet surprisingly , they make for excellent ninja instructors.
-Being a Brewers fan is like openly asking someone to kick you in the balls each year.
-I'm sure glad I didn't select Culpepper and LaMont Jordan in the same fantasy football draft. Oh wait, I did.
-I am a focking idiot!! (And according to at least two different sources, I am also pathetic)
-What's the ticker symbol for internet porn? Seems to me like it would be a sound investment.
-Do you think Bob Pick has ever been asked to be a mascot? He wouldn't even need a costume.
-Two things I'm completely unqualified to maintain. A garden and a sock drawer.
-My brother owns every season of the Wonder Years on DVD.
-The stripper name of the week is: Edna
-What did the female deer say to the male deer? Answer: You call that a salt lick?
-What's the stinkiest thing you can do in a casino? Answer: Tossing craps.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Draft #146
Mythbusting Hucklebuck Style
There are so many thoughts, fables, and tales being bandied about these days, I figured it was high time somebody put some of those fibs to rest.
-Someone once told me that reading is fundamental with an emphasis on fun. I am here today to tell you that reading is craptastic with an emphasis on crap. As in, "Boy, reading sure does blow!"
-Have you ever wondered why men seem to be constantly running away from Halle Berry? Many have said that the reason she is always being dumped is because she is too beautiful. And that is simply not true. The real reason men are always on the run is because she has 11 toes. And you may be thinking, that is no big deal and that the men in question are rather shallow, but what if I told you that 8 of those toes reside on one foot and three on the other? Yeah, pretty disgusting.
-Shaving your chest makes you queer. That one is true.
-Contrary to popular opinion, not all fat people smell bad. Just the sweaty ones.
-The Wilt Chamberlain sex conquest total is a bit fabricated. The final count wasn't just restricted to women as many of us were led to believe. The final tally took into account men, farm animals, and boa constrictors. Yes, you heard me correctly, the Big Dipper loved having sex with snakes.
-The Leaning Tower of Pisa didn't really come to be via a thunderous Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. However, Chuck Norris did, for his own amusement, mutate into the Brawny Paper towel guy and then proceeded to rape the hell out of Mrs. Buttersworth in the middle of the pancake aisle at a Piggly Wiggly store in Nebraska. Mrs. Buttersworth resisted at first, but later submitted to Chuck's charms. Afterwards, Mrs. Buttersworth admitted to the media that the Chuck Norris version of the Brawny Paper towel guy is much more aggressive than the regular version, yet somehow more gentle. When asked if Norris raped her using protection, Mrs. Buttersworth replied with a surprising, "Yes!" "And it was quilted for my pleasure."
-It was once rumored that the Olsen Twins started out as a top secret government experiment that went horribly wrong. That one is also true.
-A lot of people are under the impression that Boxer, from the book Animal Farm, was sent off in the meat wagon to be slaughtered and turned into glue once he was no longer able to work due to his injured leg. That is also a false interpretation of that scenario. Boxer was actually sent to the Bevery Hills Cosmetic Surgery Center to have his teeth transplanted into Julia Roberts mouth. And that's the tooth, the horse tooth, and nothing but the tooth!
-Through extreme discipline and concentration, Chuck Norris is able to use a 30 pound bowling ball when he competes in his Thursday night bowling league at Dunster Lanes. That rumor is extremely false. Chuck just looks at the pins and they fall down in fear. Besides, if he felt like using a bowling ball, it would be closer to 45 pounds and the ball would be on fire just to make things interesting. (On a side note: Chuck Norris actually did kill a fellow bowler with his bare hands because the bowler in question refused to wear bowling shoes.)
-The early bird gets the worm? Not true. The early bird is usually too tired to do anything but scratch his balls.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Draft #145
Freestyle Fridays (where women's slacks are always half off)
-Yeah, so I do this thing now, where I eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with my finger. Yeah....it's pretty disgusting.
-I ate two Qdoba burritos for supper last night.
-I recently purchased tickets to see Brian Regan at the Pabst theater on October 20th and Jim Gaffigan on the 26th. I am officially the coolest person alive. Minus the whole peanut butter from the jar thing.
-Did you know that Rodney Dangerfield isn't Rodney Dangerfield's real name?
-I heard my neighbors downstairs doing it again this week. It almost sounded painful according to what I was hearing.
-Contrary to popular belief, my brother really doesn't have crabs.
-You know it and I know it. Reggie Bush is guilty...........of being too good.
-Rachel Bilson is really hot! And I'm just figuring this out now?
-You can never have enough Levi 501's.
-Did you know ketchup comes in a squeeze bottle now?
-The sound on my TV doesn't work anymore. Stupid Magnavox! Last time I buy a $80 TV from Wal-Mart.
-Another new discovery. Qdoba has ground sirloin (aka-taco bell meat, or the stuff that's used for sloppy joes). I had no clue, until yesterday. I was in the dark for years. I thought all they had was chicken, steak, or shredded beef.
-What's this guy's deal with Qdoba?
-For those of you that participated in the Sausage Race with me in July, don't forget to use your ticket voucher for a Brewers game, before it's too late.
-I haven't seen the Nygaards in awhile. I hope that has nothing to do with the draft I wrote, that accused one of being a drunk and the other of being a thief.
-Rumor has it, that Wall Street is coming together with MTV to create a new show called Pimp my Portfolio.
-I had no clue that the Lone Ranger was gay. He liked to stick it in the Tont-hole.
-Never trust anyone who doesn't own a cell phone. Same goes for anyone who's ever claimed to be a fan of Boomer Esiason.
-Yes, John Goodman is the voice of the Dunkin Donuts bagel sandwich commercials. I'm glad I could straighten that out for you.
-The act of ironing clothes is wildly chaotic. I can't see how anyone would want to participate in that ritual.
-Jo mama so stupid, she got caught trimming stone hedges.
-I once knew a guy who drank fabric softner.
-Since the chain of Cracker Barrel restaurants are doing so well, I figured I'd start my own chain and call it Drum of Negroes.
-This guy I know said that it's been ages since he's had fruit pizza. And by fruit pizza, he meant sex.
-Never trust a guy that refers to sex as fruit pizza.
-I've been waiting for suspenders to become cool again for a very long time.
-Little known fact: Richard Kline, the actor who played Larry Dallas on the television program Three's Company, was also in the movie Saving Silverman. Well at least his voice was. He was the acrobat announcer. A very pivotal scene of the movie if you ask me.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Draft #144
Falling from Grace
One second you are on top of the world, every 10-12 year old boy in America, scratch that, the world is suddenly sprung into puberty a year or two prematurely due to your "Baby One More Time" video. Your legion of male fans could forget hitting that one more time, they wouldn't even be able to stay conscious long enough to enjoy/remember the first hit. That's how hot you were. Seemingly at every corner, husbands were leaving their wives to become fulltime Spears groupies, spending the rest of their days chasing girls in Catholic school uniforms. You scrambled the collective brain waves of all males for about a three or four year span, and the sky was the limit as far as your future gross income potential. All you had to do was keep working out, not get pregnant, and don't let people know how dumb you actually are. Sure, we eventually would have discovered you weren't overly bright, slow witted, or a bit ditzy. But come on, who among us would have cared. I mean damn, you were hot!
And then.........you met Kevin Federline. And all of a sudden, we couldn't
distinguish you from a monkey in a dress that was just handed some lipstick. Once it became apparent that scratching your ass in public, picking your nose in public, and eating three chili cheese dogs in one sitting in public was becoming apart of who you were, the male public starting losing their collective erections. Slowly but surely, you starting to lose your figure, you dyed your hair a hideous shade of nasty, and that charming southern accent started to sound more like amateur hour at the open violin session for the musically disabled. It's gotten to the point were drunk college guys might pass on you when scrambling for anything they could find at bar time.
If Howard Stern's television program were still on E!, I wouldn't even bat an eye if I tuned into the show after a long night of drinking and saw you slowly backing into a microphone to show off the farting noises Kevin taught you to make. You've sunk so low you've now reached the status of a Howard Stern guest that would allow him to throw slices of bologna on your ass while you giggle incessantly. The crew would then show still photos of your ass and highlight the areas where all the cellulite is accumulating. You'd let the criticism roll right off your back as you continue giggling in an ultra annoying manner. After the criticism, Howard would tell you how hot he thinks you are, and what he'd do to you if he wasn't married. You'd respond by saying how hot Howard is and how you've always had a thing for him. This would peak Howard's interest and he would plead and beg you to give him an in-studio lap dance. You will no doubtingly grant him his wish after his second or third plea thus leading to the scene where Kevin Feder-slime rushes in WWF style and starts raining blows down on anything that moves, especially Baba Booey, Stern's horse toothed lackey.
In conclusion, Tom Cruise is an evil little man and he must be stopped.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Draft #143
Rare Disease, Small Town
Things are going pretty well in Shifting, Alabama, a town imfamous for it's ambiguity. Blue skies, green grass, and smiles are the order of the day, seemingly, almost everyday in this fair town. Norman Rockwell himself couldn't create a simpler, more carefree atmosphere even if he wanted to. Yes, you could say things are pretty fine and dandy here in good old Shifting, and the fifty-cent piece in Billy Forrester's back pocket is all the proof you'd need to verify the hapiness that surrounds this town. Hell, even Grandma Durrington's molasses pie sales have increased by 22%, a turn of events that has Grandma thinking, "Maybe I can afford that new plastic hip." You see, Grandma cracked a hip back in 1988 when she slipped on the diving board at the Pangborne Pool and Recreation Center, and she's been delaying the much needed operation ever since.
At its core, Shifting is an easy going town tucked conveniently into the backwoods of nearby Brutah, Alabama. The rules of this community are quite simple.
1) While incest is never promoted, it is rarely prohibited.
2) Ray Finkgold's Mini Market is the only place around that sells goat jerky, but you have to ask for it by name because he doesn't display it on the shelves with the rest of the merchandise. He keeps it stashed away in a Woody the Woodpecker lunchbox in the closet where the illegal fireworks are stored. The secret password to gain access to his goat jerky stash is "flumpernickel". Ray's a popular guy around the 4th of July holiday since he makes his own fireworks. His Limb Launcher 800 creation sold nearly 1,400 units from 1993 through 1996. This may not all constitute as a rule, but Ray is a guy who's constantly in the mix and to forget his mention would be a down right travesty.
3) Never, under any circumstances, venture into Skuds Pub unless you can honestly say that you were in favor of most of the things that the Germans did during the 1940's. To put it mildly, Skuds is one of the few known earthly portals that lead directly to hell. The other being the entrance to Candice Bergen's doghouse, don't ask. Bad things happen in there. Very bad.
4) While Shifting doesn't have the obligatory cat lady (the elderly woman who owns way too many cats to possibly care for. She is most likely crazy and the cats have long since taken over control of her home, she reeks of feline fecal deposits and bourbon, and her hair is purple due to numerous failed dyeing attempts) that almost every town has or needs, they do however, have Tony Sprederollo. And Tony doesn't like it when people touch his hair. Plus, he killed a guy, so don't mess with him.
5) If you enter a public bathroom and you notice Aaron Rupscow is already occupying that room, then run, run for life. At first glance, Aaron appears to be a normal, run of the mill, 22-year-old guy with nary a problem, but this young man is far from ordinary. Aaron suffers from a condition known as "urincursinitis" (pronounced yer-in-curse-in-eye-tis). This is a rare disease that can be best described as urination enduced Tourettes syndrome. Everytime young Aaron is in the process of urinating, he fidgets uncontrollably and uses curse words to an extent that it would make you cry if you had the displeasure of being on the receiving end of one of his rants.
The town of Shifting will be hosting its 3rd annual dinner benefit to help fight urincursinitis on October 21st at the Pangborne Pool and Recreation Center. The event starts at 7pm and the per plate cost of attending is $150. The meal will be catered by Gerald Yupclay's Food2GO services and the menu will be featuring two entrees, with your choice of PB&J sandwiches or a bowl of BBQ-flavored little smokies. Entertainment for the evening will be provided by Harry Sanks and the Funkytrotters. Apparently this is their first gig, so nobody knows what genre of music they play, but we've been hearing good things. Nazi's are kindly asked that they do not attend the benefit.
Last year Shifting raised nearly $1,000 and this year they're looking to double that total. Urincursinitis has touched this town profoundly and people like Aaron could really use your help. If you'd like to make a donation to the SUC (Stop Urincursinitis Completely) foundation, please contact them at 1-800-PEE-AWAY. Together, this little town can work miracles, or..........at the very least, make public urination a not so threatening experience once again, for one troubled young man.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Draft #142
Fun things to do (if you were Andre the Giant)
-Visit nursing homes and scare the living crap out of bedridden strangers. Just open a closed door to one of the rooms, rush in unannounced and hold your hands up in the air and start screaming. Sure, some of the unexpecting victims may crud themselves, have a heart attack, or worse yet, might be in the middle of a sponge bath during your ambush. But honestly, how funny would it be to watch them scramble for their life alert/nurse assistance button with the "I think I'm going to die" look on their face? I'm guessing it would be a riot.
-Smash a table in half using your head.
-Chug a bottle of whiskey just to see what does or doesn't happen.
-Attempt to get into a popular night club dressed as a woman and when the bouncer doesn't let you in (because you'd be the ugliest female alive) you beat the living tar out of the bouncer and resume his duties for the evening. And as the newly self-appointed bouncer, besides "being on the list", the only way a person gets into the club is to body slam you (female Andre the Giant) or defeat you in an arm wrestling match. And of course there's option number three, the time honored tradition of whipping out your tatties for quick and free admission.
-Try throwing a cow up into a tree.
-Start a book of the month club. But instead of reading the books and discussing them, you gather as a group just to see who can tear the book in half with their bare hands. Afterwards, everyone drinks heavily and heads to the nursing home.
-Head to the airport to see if you can stop airplanes that have just landed using nothing but your shoulder.
-Back to the night club. This time you show up looking like yourself, all Andre the Gianty and ask random guys if you can dance with their dates. When they say "no", you say "wrong answer" and start whaling on everything in sight. But deep down, you know nobody's gonna say "no". You're Andre the Giant damn it.
-Get drunk and sing karaoke with Tom Jones at an Asian restaurant. Whoa whoa whoa, she's a rady! Rhoa-oh-whoa, she's a rady. And the rady is mi------ne.
-Begin an HBO series called the A-Team 2.0. You (Andre the Giant) will team up with Chuck Norris, Rony Seikaly, and David Hasselhoff to recreate the magic of the 1980's television series, the A-Team. Andre the Giant will play the role of B.A. Baracus-mohawk included, Norris will be Hannibal, Seikaly will star as Face, and Hasselhoff will play the role of Murdock. If you don't think this idea has any legs, then you are sadly mistaken.
-Eat everything on Qdoba's menu in one sitting.
-Pull over a cop and when you approach his window to ask, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" And the cop answers, "No I don't Mr. Andre the Giant........sir." You reply, "That's what I thought." Then urinate on his squad car and kick one of his tires flat for good measure.
-Wrestle 35 midgets at once. And your only allies are Bob Saget and the girl who played Stephanie Tanner.
-Start a program on the Discovery Channel where you wrestle a different animal every week. The show would be hosted by former Philadelphia 76ers center Manute Bol, and on-line voters would determine the next animal to be wrestled each week. *Cats, since they are so cute and cuddly, would be excluded from participating in this program.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Draft #141
Freestyle Fridays (America's number one source for nothing important)
-The softball season came to an end last night and Behm Brothers Drywalling finished the year in 3rd place. When looking for an excuse as to why our team lost our one and only playoff game, I'd have to place the blame solely on our fan base. Your overall season attendance was a down right shame. It's time to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Was there more I could have done?" And the answer is Yes. Way to go. On a lighter note, the right center fielder of the opposing team wants to kick my ass.
-Remember kids, chewing gum makes for a much better experience when you chew it with your mouth.
-To those of you home owners out there, I'd just like to alert you of the fall season that is approaching and all of the leaves you are going to have to rake. Suckers!
-If you've never seen the movie, The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer, consider yourself a protuberant larch.
-I have a fantasy football draft tonight and I'm eagerly anticipating one of our owner's imfamous name pronunciation slaughterings. In years past he's come up with some good ones like Mack Berger (Marc Bulger) Plexis Burris (Plaxico Burress) and Jay Sew (Junior Seau). This owner isn't one of the most successful in the league to say the least, but he does however, hold the record for the loudest, most greasiest farts in draft history. That bomb in 04' still gets talked about to this day.
-I have a date on Saturday night...........with a girl!
-Did you know that NBA legend Rony Seikaly was born in Beirut? Well of course you did. But did you know he drives a sports car with a leather exterior? -Speaking of Rony Seikaly, what's David Copperfield up to these days? What do the two have in common you ask? Well I've been told by numerous Greek women that when the sun hits Rony at just the right angle, it's a magical sight to behold.
-I know, I know, I'm pretty much fed up with David Copperfield as well.
-I don't know if you heard this or not, but Matt Leinart knocked up a broad. And between you and me, she ain't hard to look at.
-Pizza Hut has come out with a new Lasagna Style Pizza and I'm a little too excited about this.
-Who do you think would win in a basketball matchup between Senegal's national team and Michigan's Fab Five? I'm not talking about the Fab Five in their college prime, I'm talking about them now, in the year 2006. How hard would it be to find Ray Jackson and Jimmy King? Do you think they can still grab the rim and/or make it up and down the court without the use of a defibrillator?
-Eric Karabell of ESPN.com has predicted that the Green Bay Packers will finish this upcoming season with a 4-12 record. Personally I think that prediction is completely bogus. The Packers, in my opinion, have all the right components to land themselves a not so shabby 5-11 record.
-If the Packers win more than 6 games this season, my brother Adam has agreed to shave his testicles with a bowie knife and then paint one green and the other gold......or yellow.......or whatever color that is.
-I'll admit it, I'm officially terrified of raccoons. They're a carnivorous mammal you know.
-My uncle Steve holds the Schramdon County record for having rabies for the longest amount of time without actually knowing it.
-Betty Crocker is such a whore. I swear. But that whore sure can cook.
-Did you know that Rony Seikaly has his own line of artificial cheese spreads?
-My sweet old landlady offered me some tomatoes and cucumbers from her garden the other day and I turned her down, twice in one exchange. If you'd a seen the look on her face when I told her no, you'd have a hard time being convinced that I'm not headed straight to hell. So take my advice. The next time an elderly person offers you some vegetables from her garden, just say yes. Even if you don't particularly like the vegetable being offered, it wouldn't kill you to just make her happy. Don't be such an ass.
