Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Draft #109
Gas Price Fever (Daily encounters of a gas station clerk named Mustaf)
Customer #1: Mustaf! What's up! $3.00 a gallon? What the fuck! You're such a bitch.
Mustaf: No my friend, you are the bitch.
Customer #1: Do you guys have any Combos?
Mustaf: Yes, next to the Chex Mix.
Customer #1: How much is a bag?
Mustaf: Dollar ninety-nine.
Customer #1: Christ Almighty! For some Combos? I outta burn this place to the ground.
Mustaf: Yes, yes. Burn to the ground. Every week you come in here and say burn this place down. Well what the hell are you waiting for?
Customer #1: You're lucky I find you quasi-interesting. You know you're not scaring anybody with that towel on your head.
Mustaf: Who says I try to scare anybody?
Customer #1: Yeah, you're right. Have fun charming them snakes today Moose-staffa.
Mustaf: Good day to you to (you monkey ass, the name is Mustaf, how many times....)
Mustaf: Hello, welcome to Toweltron. Did you have any gas out there?
#2: Yeah, on the black Caravan.
Mustaf: At pump six?
#2: Ahhh....... I thought it was pump two.
Mustaf: Well do you remember what the total was?
#2: Naw, I don't. I'm pretty sure it was pump two.
Mustaf: Sir, there is a red Cavalier on pump two, are you sure you're not at pump six?
#2: I don't know, what much is it?
Mustaf: $44.50?
#2: Yeah, that sounds like it.
Mustaf: Will that be all for today?
#2: How much for a pack of what I am?
Mustaf: What?
#2: How much for a pack of what I am, man?
Mustaf: I......ahhhh......don't understand.
#2: Kools. How much for a pack of Kools?
Mustaf: Ohhhh......I get it now. $5.25.
#2: Whoa....Lee.....Shit!! Fuck that, I can get a pack for $4.90 down at the Clark station. I ain't paying no five dollars for a pack of smokes. You're out of your fucking mind.
Mustaf: OK.......$44.50 is your total.
#2: Here you go......... (squinting in the direction of Mustaf's name tag) Mustache. Have a good one. (#2 walks away while muttering under his breath, "Mustache? That's a stupid name.")
(Phone rings) Mustaf: Hello, this is Toweltron. How may I help you?
Sales guy: Hello, this is Bob at Brighter Image Printing Services. I was wondering if I could get the cereal number for your printer? That way we can send you out some routine ink cartidge and paper refills.
Mustaf: Look Mr. I don't know who you are, but we don't have a printer here. I've told you that at least five times already. Yet you keep sending the paper and the ink and all kinds of garbage. I'm not going to pay for this, I didn't tell you to send me this........ this crap.
Sales guy: Our records indicate that a George authorized this order.
Mustaf: George, why would you talk to George? He's the stock boy. I'm pretty sure he eats paste.
Sales guy: None the less, you owe us $159.00 for the supplies. And if we don't receive your payment, we can't send out the next refill order for all of your printing needs.
Mustaf: Good! Are you fucking stupid? I said I don't want any printing supplies.
Sales guy: Hey now. So what you're saying is.....is that you don't want us to send you anymore supplies.
Mustaf: Holy bamboo! Yes, I don't want anything your store has to offer, ever.
Sales guy: Alrighty then. You just send us the payment for your last order and we'll be out of your hair.
Mustaf: Maybe you're too busy sucking scrotum, but I just told you I wasn't going to pay for anything.
Sales guy: Ok.......Is George available?
Mustaf: No! George is not available. He works 20 hours a week. He's not even authorized to answer the phone. How did you get this number?
Sales guy: Do you know when is a good time to reach George?
Mustaf: Let me draw this out for you American Joe. If you say one more word, just one more. I will hunt you down and murder you with a fork and spoon. Mustaf is tired of your bullshit. And if you would like my advice, I will advice you to run head first into traffic. You are low-life scum squatter. I hope a raven eats you alive, intestines first. Have a good day.
Sales guy: (click)
#3: Wow, you guys must be making a fortune off these gas prices.
Mustaf: Veidy Funny. I wish I controlled the price of gas.
#3: Yeah..........I bet you wish.
Mustaf: No, honestly, I don't control gas prices.
#3: I'm sure. So....... what do you do with all the money you must got pouring in here? I'd buy a boat or a Ferrari. I bet you have some sort of freak show zoo at the palace you live in. How many lions do you own? I bet you have at least five of em. Actually, I bet you're a tiger man, like that Ziggy and Roy. Those white tigers must be pretty expensive. Do you feed them human food or do you just feed them some of the smaller animals from your own zoo?
Mustaf: Actually, I live in the same neighborhood as you. No lavish mansion or exotic animals. I eat the Hamburger Helper just like the rest of us. I do however, ride an elephant to work.
#3: Really? I thought so.
Mustaf: No, I'm kidding, I drive piece of shit Chevy Celebrity. It's almost as slow as elephant though.
#3: Ah......you got me! I'll see you around Mmmm.......uffstid, Muftas......M-m-m-m-anderin oranges?
Mustaf: It's Mustaf.
#3: Alrighty, see ya around Mmm....buddy.
Mustaf: Hello welco....
#4: Seriously, how do you sleep at night?
Mustaf: I'm sorry?
#4: Did I stutter? How. Do you. Sleep at night?
Mustaf: I'm not sure what you mean.
#4: I'm talking about these gas prices. You've got some nerve, pal!! If I was you, the guilt would have eaten a hole through my stomach by now. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. How would you like it if I went over to Kickapoo, Israel and jacked up all the camel prices? Yeah, not a pretty picture, is it? Now imagine you have to ride your camel from Ashqelon to Dimona everyday for work. How many camels do you think you'd go through each week? Three, four, maybe even five? That starts to add up doesn't it? Camels don't exactly grow on trees do they? I can't afford anymore camels Mushel, I just can't, you're killing me here. How bout you just do us all a favor and hop back on your magic carpet and fly your ass back to wherever it is you're from.
Mustaf: Fuck you! Fuck all of you! I quit, I quit, I quit!! I am sick of this shit. George!! Get over here!! You are taking over register. I'm going home, never to return!
(Mustaf came back to work 2 hours later because George couldn't handle the register. The drawer was short $57.41 that day.)
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Draft #108
Food reports I'd like to read about in the news:
-Pizza found to reduce chances of colon and prostate cancer by 75%
-Taco Bell's grilled stuffed burritos may help increase your vertical leap by 3 to 4 inches
-Looking for the fast track to six pack abs, the answer may lie in the bottom of a dish of your favorite soft serve ice cream
-Scientists say that hunkering down to an all you can eat fish fry twice a month can help clear acne
-McDonald's Chicken McNugget takes credit for healing 15 year old boy's torn ACL in only two weeks
-A diet rich in mayonaise and BBQ sauce has been found to shave .5 to .7 seconds off of 40 yard dash time according to recent studies
-Unknown ingredient in hot dogs may be the best solution to repairing a damaged liver
-Intensive studies at Duke University show that most ingredients found in a hot dog can be classified as "unknown"
-The Colonel's extra crispy chicken recipe linked to vision improvement for 56-year-old glaucoma patient
-Chocolate replaces the "Mick" as number one date rape sedative
-Wanka bar sales sky rocket
-Charlie begins plans for chocolate factory expansion in 2008
-Snickers purchases "Is it in you?" ad campaign from Gatorade for $30 million
-Miller beer products have been found to eliminate cavities from over 95% of its customer base
-Budweiser suspected to be responsible for the bag of dead kittens recovered at the bottom of the Milwaukee River last Tuesday
-Testing agency reveals that double bacon cheeseburgers can increase ACT scores when eaten with a milkshake
-Look out Viagra, Subway's new line of toasted sub sandwiches was the leading cause of male erections in 2006
-Subway's Jerad Fogle gains 150 pounds on broccoli diet
-Jerod Fogle fired as Subway spokesman, and checks into high security fat camp-Paula Deen hired as new Cousin Subs head of food operations.
*The new line of subs include the Bacon Mayo sub, the BBQ rib in Mayo sub, the Cheesy Buttery Honey Baked Ham hoagie, and the Savannah Sausage Sub with 3 kinds of sausage (italian, polish, and summer), a generous layer of mayo, finished off with a creamy ranch n' butter glaze.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Draft #107
A day in the life of former Brewers first baseman, John Jaha.It's 10:00am on Wednesday morning and Big John is in yet another world of hurt. Playing for his Tuesday night softball team, the Lintentown Lubricators, Mr. Jaha was abruptly introduced to a tree as he was tracking a pop-up down the first base line. Lintentown's softball facilities aren't, what would be described as....say, state of the art. The old maple, as they call it, lies only two feet from the right field foul line with most of its branches hovering out over into the field of play. John jammed his right shoulder pretty good and had to play the rest of the game with limited mobility in his right arm (although some would argue that limited mobility is John's forte'). John will tell you that last night's effort was not his best work, 1-4 with an RBI double. He's only batting .273 so far this young season and is finding the adjustment into the world of softball to be quite challenging.
John is finally able to get out of bed after his standard 5-10 minutes of groaning in pain, since years of steroidal abuse have left most, to all of his joints in utter shambles. After the handfull of advil, he likes to wash his medicine down with 6 farm fresh eggs, 14 strips of bacon, and his self-created protein drink he cleverly named the Jaha-ma Mama, which is a wild concoction of fish heads, tree bark, and whey. After breakfast, it's time for the noon power lifting session. John likes to hit the benchpress and curls and that's it, five times a week. John doesn't buy into the whole, giving your muscles time to relax theory. After the workout, John's lovely, 4'9'', Asian wife, Yepshwing, gives him a thorough back massage using only the most authentic fire-breathing herbal lotions. If it wasn't for his wife, John's back would have caved in years ago from all the upper body weight he carries combined with the total lack of ab, lat, and back work. After the massage, John gives the little lady as much loving as he can until the back stiffens up again. The time it takes for his back to give out is usually pretty close to the amount of time it takes for ol' John to hit his peak, about three to three and a half minutes.
At 12:45, with a smile on the lady's face and his body partly mended, it's time to head off to the dojo, the baseball dojo where there can only be one master, the masterbatter......Kevin Seitzer. John works the 1:00-5:00pm shift at Kevin Seitzer's Baseball Academy For Young Aspiring Hitters of America With Marginal Talent and Deep Pockets. John's duties include one-on-one appointment scheduling (John's not allowed to council any of the young hitters himself, Kevin felt that would be bad for business), pitching machine maintenance, and some light cleaning around the facility. Occasionally a client will recognize him and say, "Hey, you're John Jaha. Do you give hitting lessons?" John can only hold his head in shame and politely respond, "You can't teach raw power. That's what I'm told." After the shift, it's off to one of the five softball leagues John plays in, with the night eventually winding down with a bucket of cold beer and a hot salt bath.
Today wasn't too bad a day for John. His shoulder was still a bit stiff from the tree run-in, and he stubbed a toe on the corner of the fridge during breakfast leaving a pretty decent gash, nothing that a band-aid and an hour of ice therapy couldn't fix. Oh, and he slammed his thumb in the car door just before he was about to walk into work. He ran into the building yelling, "My thumb, my fuckin thumb!" Kevin had to abruptly take him into the back of the academy, remind him that swearing in front of the customers is bad for business, and then tape up his thumb and tell him everything will be OK. Later in the shift John slipped on one of the balls in the batting cage and was down for about 15 minutes holding his hip and when he finally tried getting up he fell back down because he unknowingly twisted his ankle during the fall. John sat out tonight's game because on the way there, after checking a blind spot, his neck locked up and became very stiff. He apologized to the guys on the team and proceeded to coach the living crap out of 3rd base, successfully waving home 9 out of 14 runners. To cap the night off, John tweaked his groin climbing out of the bathtub and his status for tomorrow's game is questionable.Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Draft #106
Last night was one of the few times, well actually the only time, I was disappointed that I didn't have to drop my pants in front of a stranger with a needle and receive a few pricks to the bee-hind. Dr. Death, as I like to refer to him, decided at my appointment that a shot to the throat would be most appropriate. He said that people in my condition usually have a build up of puss and that draining it would help relieve the swelling on the tonsils. Not overly excited about his plans, I agreed that this course of action would have to be acceptable, since he offered no alternative solution. As the doctor left to procure his weaponry, I began mentally scrolling through the different body locations in which I've received a shot in the past. So far, the bum, bicep, and elbow were the only places to have been penetrated through by needle. I've heard nothing but bad stories about getting shots on your finger or your gums when the Doc needs to freeze it for stitches or dental work. So mentally, I was preparing myself for a pain level that probably laid somewhere between getting a shot in the arm and a shot in the finger (not a walk in the park, yet nothing excruciatingly painful).
So Dr. Death returns with his utensils and I start positioning my head on a 45 degree angle so I wouldn't actually have to see the needle (at this point in my life I hadn't actually visually observed a needle as I was receiving a shot). He was infront of me and a little to my right, so I thought I'd do him a favor by exposing the area that needed to be worked on. When he initially said, "We'll have to give you a shot in the throat to relieve the swelling" I thought he was referring to a shot in the neck, through the skin, you know, on the OUTSIDE of my mouth. So when he asked me to look at him, I became a little perplexed. The next thing I know, he tells me to "open up" as he's headed straight for my mouth with both hands on the needle. The last thing he said before the needle actually pierced the inside of my mouth was, "I apologize in advance". I was thinking to myself, "What do you mean you apologize in advance?" Does this mean you absolutely suck at giving patients shots and that you are prone to giving numerous retakes, or should I be bracing for the pain of a lifetime?
I guess it should be noted that my mom was in the room, so I was determined to act as though this process didn't hurt one bit. The Doc was playing a guessing game of sorts to try and find where the puss was hiding out. His first attempt brought no results, he planted the needle, pulled the back part of the utensil towards him to draw some puss out, and...... nothing. A second attempt produced similar results, so at this point I'm like, "Great, I just got stabbed in the M-Fing throat for no GD reason!! So Doc decides to give it one last try. He aims a little higher this time and blamo!! Success! A needle full of puss. Once the bleeding subsided, I noticed some relief, nothing miraculous, but semi-effective none the less. Now I know what you are thinking, "Andy, I bet you cried like a little bitch" And my reply to that would be, what's your defintion of crying? Cause I know whimpering, sniffling, and underwear saturation weren't part of the equation. But to say that tears weren't present, would be a lie. In my defense, these weren't "I just broke up with my girlfriend" type tears, they were more like "I just got hit in the face with an errant fullcourt shot attempt during gym class" type tears. You couldn't say that full bore crying was taking place, but there was a bit of a salty discharge rolling down ONE of my cheeks, something that could be construed as tears or the act of crying itself, but really isn't when analyzed properly.
My mom said I took em' like a champ, so that's all that matters. When I returned back to the homestead, Pops and little brother were pleased to hear that I was forced to experience an above average level of pain. I don't think those two smile any wider than during the moments their brains picture me in a position of pure torture, but......whatever.
I do remember picturing a bottle of Code Red dancing on the wall located on the other side of the room as Doc jammed that needle in my mouth. It was the only thing that helped justify why it was O.K. to be sitting through all this. Yesterday, before the appointment, I wrote something to the effect of, "I don't know what they have in store for me.....something about clouds...........and then I dared them to bring it on." I should remember to not be so cocky next time. Cuz they definitely brought it, and they brought it hard. And did I ever get to drink that Code Red? No I did not. I settled on a Propel, a Gatorade, and a regular Mountain Dew. I guess Code Red isn't as readily available as I thought it'd be. And the worst part, after not drinking anything after two days, was the let down of finally being able to swallow a liquid. It wasn't as refreshing as I thought it would be. And now I'm hoping this whole thing wasn't just one big pile of symbolism, you know, in regards to my waiting for Miss Right. I don't want to get into it in great detail, but if she and I are in the same situation, then for our first time, I can definitely guarantee there will be a Code Red. I don't know what I'm talking about, but maybe the lessen here is to not settle on just regular Mountain Dew, hold out for the good stuff.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Draft #105
Weekend Review:
Friday: I started feeling sick halfway through work and I skipped lunch because my throat began hurting and I was feeling stiff all over and I was a little tired to boot. As I was walking to my car at the end of the work day I noticed my teeth were chattering so I must have been running a fever, I says to myself, I may have the chills. I went to Pick N' Save and purchased a pint of Edy's vanilla ice cream, a box of popsicles, some throat medicine, and a fourth item, but I'll be damned if I remember what it was. I went home and ate the ice cream in about 5 minutes, followed by some chicken soup, some soda, some popcorn, some more soda, and some popsicles intermediately spread out between the previous items. It was the last day before the love of my life was taken from me like a thief in the night.
Saturday: I made the trip back home to the WB because it was a day of celebration for my brother and my cousin for they had both graduated, from college and high school respectively. I would not be able to participate in said celebration for my condition was worsening. We had the doc write me up another prescription for the same stuff that didn't help the identical condition that I had suffered through a month ago (makes sense right, if first you don't suceed). Well.......those antibiotics didn't work again.
Sunday: Me mommy and I went to the walk-in clinic that day where a Phil Mickelson looking Dr. Hancock diagnosed my condition as being, at the very least, a severe case of tonsilitis. I was a little releaved because I wanted to punch everyone in the face up to this point that was referring to my condition as, "Oh, you have a sore throat." Yeah, a sore throat. Sure feels like a fuckin sore throat. Yeah, I usually restrict myself to a bed for weekends at a time over a sore throat. I don't even have a throat, that opening that used to be my throat is now clogged by two, huge, absolutely ginormously swelled tonsils. It's a wonder how I even breath. All I know is that today is......
Monday: and I haven't even ate or drank a damn thing since Saturday morning. My love is gone and I've been without her for days now and I don't like it. As soon as I'm able, I'm going to drink a liter of Code Red Mountain Dew, follow it up with a pitcher of ice water (extra ice cubes), and then polish that off with a hogie that stretches from here to the end of the driveway. I miss you food, I miss you drink. For two days all I've done is spit into a cup. I didn't know humans could produce this much saliva without dying. If you're out there and you can hear me, please, please, I beg of you please, go, go eat, drink, and be merry. You have no idea how wretched a place this world can be when you are not allowed to suckle from all the goodness she has to offer. I am not mentally stable right now, I wasn't made to go without food/drink for this long a time. Oh how I miss her so! So do me a favor, tonight, before you sit down to eat your dinner, that very dinner you take for granted day after day. Take a couple seconds to thank the Lord, or whoever you usually thank for food before you devour what's on your plate in 5.6 seconds. Soak it in tonight, and enjoy, for I will probably be awkwardly hunched over yet another doctor's examing table, with my trousers at half mass, taking what could be my 5th, 6th, and 7th shots to the buttocks. Last month it took three and my throat was all good. Sunday, I got my 4th shot and that one didn't do a thing. I don't know how much more they have instore for me, but I say bring it on, for at the end of any gray clouds they have to pass my way, is a cold, tall, delicious 32 oz. bottle of Code Red, oh how I long for the taste of anything, besides spit. Good night to all and to all a good night.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Draft #104
Freestyle Fridays (Whooped-iddy-do)
-Headlines taken from the Nuns Tabloid: "Sister Mary Crosses Street Outside of Crosswalk" "Sister Margaret Caught Baring it All, 4 Inches Below the Knee" "Sister Ruth's Video Rental Late Fees Top $2.00" "Sister Anna Stiffs Salvation Army Donation Basket While Leaving Supermarket" "Sister Louise Busted for Bingo Addiction After Winning Blackout Round" "Church Picnic Takes Turn for the Worst After Sister Sandra Downs Two Wine Coolers" "Sister Judy Holds up Liquor Store After Late Night Cocaine Binge".......ok, maybe that would have made just about any form of news. I guess Judy enrolled herself into the nuns with guns program at her local sanctuary.
-I am seriously considering eating everything from here on out in a burrito. It just handles better.
-Someone once told me that women were like bubble gum. You take em out of the wrapper and they smell so good and they're really sweet in the beginning and you're so happy with your selection. You're filled with so much flavor that you even blow really huge bubbles so everyone can see what's pleasing you. But......after a while, the gum eventually dries up and loses it's flavor, no one is blowing anybody anymore. You become so sick of the gum that you spit it out because you can't stand the taste, it's become so vanilla, you just want a new piece of gum, anything besides that old chewed up piece. And you think you're in the clear, but that damn piece of gum you spit out somehow got tangled up in your hair and getting rid of it can only happen until a part of you is taken with it. So you use some scissors to cut the big wad of gum out, but it won't go away without taking half of the hair on your head with it. Gum, is it really worth the hassle?
-If I were to attend the next World Series of Poker as a spectator, which I would never do, but if I did, and I had to heckle one player and one player only, it would be Chris Moneymaker, if they allowed his ass to participate. And to really rattle his cage, I would hold a sign that read, "Moneymaker's a Bloody Wanker". That would show him.
-A couple of the girls in my department decided to get back at me for prank calling them, so they sent a postcard to my parent's house with three very gay looking guys on the front. The back of it read, "Andy- if I would have known you liked boys I would have backed off a lot sooner! Next time don't lead a girl on so long! Just come out of the closet! No hard feelings, Cobie." Ahhh....you gotta love office hijinks. Kudos ladies, kudos.
-The oldest lady in my department just declared that today's soup was slop. It was slop that you would feed to your pigs. I don't know about her, but I usually feed my pigs Porky O's for every meal. It keeps their coats healthier. What kind of a person feeds their pigs slop? That's just another example of somebody practicing poor, out-of-date farming techniques. That's just plain cruel and impractical.
-Did you know that Lindsay Lohan was featured in one of the "Got Milk?" ad campaigns? Which again proves my theory. Lindsay Lohan is a whore.
-Whatever happened to Pop Rocks? And more importantly, whatever happened to Ricky Martin? My guts telling me that he's probably somewhere out there, living la vida loca. It's either that, or he's been on a gay cruise ship for 7 or 8 years performing as the cover act in exchange for "all you can drink" cocktails from 5:00-7:00pm.
-Things that used to scare me: Fireworks, a flock of seagulls, when older women dressed like witches for Halloween, my principal, roller coasters, the dark, the big kids in the bathroom, my great aunt Margie, crock pots, and the movie Jurassic Park.
-Things that scare me now: The thought of having to take a prostate exam and homeless people.
-The crazy cap shuffle at Miller Park this year is fixed. I used to be able to guess which hat the ball was under everytime, it had almost become so routinely easy to guess correctly that it was beginning to bore me. But this year, the shuffle patterns are still all the same, yet I've only picked the correct hat once, and I've been to ten games. So either I've just gone blind and/or retarded lately, or........this mockery of a mid-inning test of cunningness, is a complete sham.
-Does anybody know where I can catch a few re-run episodes of Bobby's World?
-I've got this massive hankering for a Texas Whopper right now.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Draft #103
A Country Song
I've had myself a real long string of irreversable bad luck
The last straw came right after, I hit a skunk with my pickup truck
My girl said I can't go around killing, poor defenseless animals
I told her those creatures were useless and extremely reprehensible
She didn't quite see it that way, and she started running her trap
She began accusing me of a little of this, and I was blamed for some of that
I guess I'm not a listener, and I'm not too overly sensitive
Her habit of pointing out my flaws has become annoyingly repetitive
So at that moment I snapped, I had just about enough
It was time to take a stand and it was time to act tough
I said this has been swell, but our time together is through
And that's when I gave her the boot, on interstate 92.
With that monkey off my back, I was relieved of a hefty load
And then wouldn't you know it, my truck breaks down, just a half mile down the road
I couldn't get her started, and now I was stranded, standing here all alone
So I dialed for some assistance, on my Nokia cell phone
But the signal wasn't clear, my call couldn't be connected
This day's going quite well, I'd say it's been damn near delightfully splendid
You see my girl and I had left town, to escape all the madness
Things kind of went sour once daddy lost the family business
He got in a little bit of trouble for some slight copyright infringement
And the next stop for him, was 20 years of minimum security imprisonment
So with daddy off to jail and all the money out of sight
Mama headed out to California on the very first flight
She's been shacking up with this bozo just outside of Hollister
I guess she's been cheatin on my pappy now, for bout a year
My dog Rusty kicked the bucket, he got trampled by a semi
Now he's in doggy heaven with all the other pooches in the sky
And if that weren't enough, if things couldn't be getting any worse
I got 40 stitches on my melon after a granny beat me with her purse
Here's some advice, don't ever help an old lady cross the street
Especially when her purse is full of pipe fittings, and she's heading to Farm & Fleet
Oh life is grand, life is dandy, it's a big old bowl of fruit
It's enough to make you cry, it's enough to make you laugh, it's definitely a hoot
When it's got you by the grapes and it's squeezing tight, just remember what I said
Don't be going bananas, when you could be poppin cherries instead
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Draft #102
Hello class, did you know that......
-MRI is short for magnetic resonance imaging.
-Badminton was introduced to the United States in the 1890's and grew in popularity in the 1930's.
-I get gassy when I'm nervous.
-Caligula was responsible for serious disturbances among the Jews, and he nearly caused a rebellion in Palestine by attempting to erect a statue of himself in their temple.
-Treatment of dandruff requires the use of shampoo containing pyrithione zinc, selenium sulfide, sulfur and salicylic acid, or tar shampoo.
-During my one year minor league stint, I made a diving catch in the outfield that brought some of the parents in the stands to their feet. Unfortunately, the catch was made during pregame warmups.
-Fermented milks are believed to have medicinal value in the control of intestinal fermentation by contributing bacteria that aid in digestion.
-Gerbils are small desert rodent found throughout the hot arid regions of Africa and Asia. They are also known as sandrats.
-My sister used to think that a car would come to a complete stop by simply tapping the brakes just once with your foot. Which is a scary thought when you are in a truck with her, while she's at the wheel, taking driving lessons from grandpa and rapidly approaching a nearby tree.
-Homophony is a species of musical ensemble texture in which all voice parts move more or less to the same rhythm, in which a listener tends to hear the highest voice as the melody and the lower voices as its accompaniment.
-Joe-pye weed is the name of a tall North American plant which derives its name from that of a Native American who reputedly effected many cures with the herb.
-Some people have an embarrassing medical condition that is referred to as smelly urine.
-Jack Kemp once attained national prominence as a champion of supply-side economics and urban enterprise zones.
-Federal Express's common mission is to do whatever it takes to meet your needs, unless that is.........you ask them to deliver you a baby iguana............in a box made of gold...............delivered by Vanessa from the Cosby show.............as she sings Men without Hats lesser known hit, Pop Goes the World. Apparently my needs don't count. Thanks for nothing Federal Express, thanks for nothing.
-I once purchased a Ren & Stimpy CD through the good people at Columbia House. Thanks to them, I now know not to wiz on an electronic fence, and remember kids, if you're gonna explode, use the commode.
Me: "I hoped you all learned something today boys and girls." Class: "Oh we did, Mr. Hucklebuck. We learned that badminton is a sport played by economists who have dandruff and that fermented milk is good for you because it helps digest gerbils when you're gassy." Me: "Aren't you forgetting something?" Class: "Oh yeah, Federal Express won't deliver joe-pye weed to your sister because an MRI revealed that Jews don't like erect statues of Ren & Stimpy." Me: "I guess that about covers everything, and remember, practicing homophony doesn't necessarily make you a homo, but it's a start."
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Draft #101
Top Ten Reasons:Why I like the AVP
Pro Beach
Volleyball Tour
(none of which have anything to do,
with me being an overly
huge fan of volleyball)
10. After sitting through a week's worth of rain and 40 degree weather, it's nice to know that at least somebody, somewhere, is having fun in the sun. My pasty ass could sure use some right about now.
9. Cause you gotta like a girl that can pull off the visor, sunglasses, hair in a ponytail look.
8. The key, in game, adjustments. Like when Misty May has to pull her speedo out of her ass, or when she has to give her top a bit of a tug because it's slipping down.
7. I'm assuming they serve alcohol at these events, and is there a better combination than being outdoors with an alcoholic beverage in your hand? If you find yourself in that situation, your day must be going well.
6. Take a look at some of the girls that show up to beach volleyball competitions, and tell me someone didn't open up a giant Playboy magazine high above the stadium and shake it violently until all the models fell into the stands. Top notch eye candy.
5. Because Kerri Walsh is a sweetheart.
4. With four half naked girls on the court at one time, the odds of a cat fight breaking out are much higher at a volleyball game than say.......a women's golf event.
3. Hump, pet, bite! What?
2. Girls are jumping up and down.
1. So maybe I don't like the AVP Pro Volleyball Tour, so much as I like being in an atmosphere that provides; warm weather, sunshine, alcohol, and partially nude beautiful women. Which coincidentally, maybe why I've never attended a women's on-campus college hockey game (the complete antithesis of women's beach volleyball, they can't provide one of the four elements).
Monday, May 15, 2006
Draft #100
If you are an avid reader of this blog, then odds are you don't come here looking for world news updates, automotive information, self help advice, spiritual enlightenment, or anything that might possibly stimulate your brain on an intellectual level.
Hopefully......you read this pile of a blog because you like to laugh (or you just have time to kill on a daily basis), and not because you use this site as a reason to feel better about yourself, like a "At least I'm not this guy" type affirmation. Whatever your reason, I'd like to thank you for reading and making comments. Without you, I'd just be talking to a wall.
One of the more common questions I get from the 7 or so people that read this blog has to do with the comments and who certain people are. So today I'd like to clear the air and do a little breakdown and give some information about the people that make this all possible, and by "this", I'm referring to this colossal waste of time otherwise referred to as my blog.
Sloppy 2nds: My brother Adam. The coolest cat in town. Enjoys a cold one from time to time. Resembles our uncle Allen/Alan? when he grows his hair out. Doesn't like to be touched. Hates it when you answer a question with a question. Doesn't like to be asked too many questions in a row. Can cook like nobodies business. Will answer to the names Buckwheat, Buck, Wheat, Buckhaus, and Haus. Always had to take the white Boss Hog car whenever mom bought us the Dukes of Hazzard Hot Wheels combo pack during our youth (I always got the General Lee car and I'm sure Haus has a lifetime's amount of rage built up because of it). He has the biggest biceps in our family.
The Fourth Earl of Excelor: My friend John who helped me win the Paradise Mobil Scholarship award in high school. The award is given to the student who exhibits an interest in; sports, not moving far from home for collegiate purposes, and showing promise in the field of not stealing shit. John has large testicles, loves to drink whiskey, appreciates a good hot lunch program and the concept of the "2nd entree" and is the father of witty prose. He was an all-county defensive end in high school and has legs the size of tree trunks. He will destroy all who oppose him in NCAA football for Playstation I, and was my Homecoming date on more than one occasion (we skipped and went to Brewers games at County Stadium). Was a Brady Clark fan before being a Brady Clark fan was cool. He currently resides in California.
Vindigiorgio: My friend Justin, who was the only other person in our graduating class at WB West to play varsity football, basketball, and baseball (me being the other of course). The only difference between the two of us is that he could be found on the field/court while I was watching from the sideline. He is a fiery Sicilian who was ejected from his 2nd to last basketball and football games in high school and consequently had to miss the final game of the year in each sport due to WIAA conduct regulations. He likes to maintain a killer tan while relaxing near or in the closest body of water available. Other hobbies include beer and playing with his weiner. Like John, he now resides in California.
Nate: Another 2000 graduate of WB West. He attended UW-Lacrosse and I probably only saw him once a year for the football draft during college. He holds the basketball all-time scoring record for St. Mary's Catholic grade school and was a two-time All Star for Albiero Plumbing during his little league days. Nate, Adam, and I were all teammates in little league, probably winning a combined 5 games in that tenure. Nate once did the electric eel during a prep rally, had his voice crack while introducing his folks on parent's night for basketball, bulldozed a cheerleader before warmups, and once laid host to one of the biggest calculus cheating secessions of all time (there was a final takehome project due and somehow Nate had access to someone who actually finished it and from there I think that project got copied over twenty times. That night, his house was just a revolving door for kids who waited until the last minute to get started and were looking for the quick fix). He was one of the founders of TJS (team jock strap) a formal title given to the guys who warmed the pine for our basketball team. He loves the Cubs as is evident by his blog. He's a farm boy without the farm boy physique. He's a great example of not caring about what other people think. He'll dance, sing, or whatever in front of whoever, whenever. You could go on for days about Nate, but to sum him up the best, the guy just has a big heart.
Mark- Formerly of the Sagen/Kieckbush/Schroeder/Rohlinger/Cording clan, this 2000 WB East graduate is the only known commentor of this blog that has made the leap into the unknown realm of marriage. So either he knows something we dont' know, or we know something he didn't know. Either way, I can honestly say I've never slept over at the guy's house before. We experienced two crushing defeats in Senior League championship games as Teacher's teammates. Mark is also a Cubs fan. He once told me to untuck my jersey at a Holquist organized basketball camp held at Badger Middle School because he claimed that nobody tucks in their jersey. I took a look around and noticed he was right, so I followed suit. Mark was wearing a white Patrick Ewing jersey that particular day if I recall correctly. He is not a big fan of Wal-Mart and was one of Paradise Mobil's most courteous customers ever, he always said hi whenever he stopped in for smokes. He joined forces with John sometime near the end of college through their love of whiskey and Bob Dylan. Mark is now a Californian.
Themagicrat: My friend Pat. I got to know Pat through my brother-in-law Todd and playing Wednesday night softball in Allenton. Pat enjoys; listening to Buffet and Springstein, drinking vodka/waters, golfing, gambling, crushing the buffet, women who look like Anna Kournikova, Badger hockey, staying in shape, drinking, festivus, Dale Murphy, and the way things used to be. Pat doesn't enjoy; the NBA, people throwing snow balls at his neighbors mailbox, Wisconsin weather, Al Gore, rhubarb, fireworks, parades, the Cubs, the Bears, punks, and cutting grass. Pat lives in Jackson, WI and his social events of the year include the NCAA tournament, a 2-3 day binge fest of all you can eat booze and basketball. In December, he hosts a chili-dump/sheepshead party. It's his last hoo-rah before the dreaded Christmas season starts to put him down a notch. His last chili/sheepshead party came complete with an actual festivus pole.
Creola- Kurt is a swinging bachelor in his early 30's much like the aforementioned Patrick. He is a graduate of UWM and has been a Marquette basketball season ticket holder for, oh I don't know, 6-9 years. The UWM alumni board is currently working on getting his degree revoked. Just kidding, UWM's basketball program was pretty lame back in the day, so Marquette was his only choice for big city basketball entertainment since he's also not a fan of the NBA. Kurt enjoys the "occasional" alcoholic beverage, taking trips to the cashino, golfing, running, and most recently, the Brewers. Kurt and I have hit up about 6 games so far this year and in that time we've come to two conclusions. One, cactus league nachos are the bomb, and two, Bill Hall is the man. Kurt got pretty pissed up after one of our Saturday football games this fall and he ended up disco dancing on the ledge of the window at the bar. He made $4 in tips from the ladies. I puked on the side of his jeep once.
Well there you have it, the magnificent seven. Maybe someday, if the stars are aligned just right, and the moon is at a quarter crescent, and a rainbow is spewing ponies from the sky, then maybe, just maybe, we'll all find each other sitting around a campfire, drinking heavily, sharing tales of our misadventures, drinking heavily, laughing, getting gum stuck on our pants, and then passing out only to awake the next morning to talk about how much we drank the night before, and then figure out who is going to get the food to soak up the booze. That would be grand. Thanks again to all of you, you're some of the nicest people a guy could know.
Honorable Mention (a special thanks to all the closet readers): Ben, John N., Troy, Corey, Zannah, Elissa, Todd (pretty much have to poke him with a stick to get him to read), and whoever else is out there. Perhaps one day you will break your silence and join the masses, all seven of us.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Draft #99
Freestyle Fridays (Anything Goes)
-Remember in school when the teacher always said that you shouldn't be afraid to ask a question because odds were, that someone else has the same question. But there was always one kid in your class that would take that concept way too literally. He or she would ask questions all the time, and you were 99% sure everyone knew the concept behind a remainder, or whatever it was that paste-eating McGee couldn't figure out (even the monkey that Billy's dad brought for show and tell that day knew the answer), and they would just keep asking questions every single time something didn't make sense to them. Well, I hated that person. I almost never asked questions during class in fear of being THAT guy. I'd say, figure it out on your own damn time, and that's the approach I took. Unfortunately, I'd go home and play Madden football on Playstation till my eyes would bleed, so I never really figured out a damn thing. But at least I wasn't an inconvenience to anybody during class, that's the important thing.
-I had spaetzles for lunch on Tuesday and they were delicious. They're a German side dish that reminds me of miniature dumplings. I could eat a 5-gallon bucket full of em. Myself being of German heritage, it was finally nice to have something to hang my hat on and be proud of. I mean between Hitler, David Hasselhoff, and those Volkswagon commercials with the queer bag who vants to un pimp yor ride by smashing it and providing you with a brand new V-Dub, yahhhhhh, we German's don't usually have much to display proudly as we pound our chests. Someone is usually trying to pound OUR chest because the old ticker stalled again from too many brats and veiner snitzels. But now, now I've discovered spaetzles and life may never be the same again.-"Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round"- Now of course this line doesn't apply to those with fat bottoms who can barely squeeze their ass through a doorway. You don't make the world go round, you make my stomach go round, in a queazy way.
-Have you ever really looked at an old person? I mean really looked at them. How come more people don't freak out about what we are to become? Father time is one cruel son of a bitch, and he's just waiting for us, so he can laugh at our sagging facial features and humped backs. Father time strikes me as the kind of person that often double parks. He's got no where to be and he's keeping you from whatever it is you want to do. How is that exactly? I don't know. This is an example of a terrible analogy.
-I was running late for work this week and just as I was giving myself the final lookover before I left, I noticed a white smudge on the collar of my black pollo shirt. I rubbed it a little, but no luck, the smudge wouldn't budge. I was at the point of no return, a wardrobe change at this juncture of the game would have been absolutely fatal and tardiness would have been the only outcome. So I pulled a MacGyver and colored over the smudge with a black perminent marker. A pure stroke of genious if I don't say so myself and no one was the wiser.
-In case you haven't heard, Nate purchased 17 frozen pizzas after bar time last Friday. They were 4 for $10 so I guess he decided to stock up for the winter. He also purchased two loaves of Wonder bread, 3 bags of pizza rolls, and some sour cream. All and all the total came to $55 and thanks to Nate's Advantage Plus card, he saved almost $20. And in case you were wondering, Nate was drunk.
-My last fortune cookie predicted that everything will now come my way. I hope this doesn't mean I'll be masturbating into the wind anytime soon.
-Make no bones about it, Hanging with Mr. Cooper was an overrated program.
-I would definitely like to hear people stop using the word jaw so much when mandible is such a better term used to describe the same area. It took the mandibles of life to jimmy that man out of the wreck. I punched that dude right in the mandible and he just dropped. Judy gives Billy so much head that she suffers from a latched mandible from time to time.
-Quickly! Hide the urine. The lepricons are coming!!
-"And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." You've all heard the song at one point or another, and for many of you, it makes you gag, or swell with pride, one of the two. But have you ever seen the guy who sings the song? Yikes! This guy makes Don Johnson look almost Brat Pitt like.From his own website: He formed his first band, the Moonbeams, while still in Jr. High School. By the time he had graduated high school, Lee was already a seasoned performer. His career became the focal point in his life, so much so, that he turned down a music scholarship to the College of the Pacific, abandoned a promising professional baseball career, and even skipped his own high school graduation because he was booked to perform a standing engagement at the Golden Hotel & Casino (now Harrahs) in Reno, Nevada.
If Chuck Norris had a nerdy, annoying, less talented, little brother, this is probably what he would look like.
Lee Greenwood- My hero
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Draft #98
Random thoughts that come to mind as I gaze upon the spectacle of the 1,212 pound individual, the man they call, Manuel. -Manuel: "I'm never eating steak, lobster, and chicken in the same meal again. Ahh, who am I kidding, I probably will."
-Let's try this again, when I say, "Manuel, would you like a dozen freshly glazed donuts? What do you say?" Manuel, "Yes, I like very much?" Man says, "No! Wrong again, you imbecile! I swear, you will never even sniff 900 lbs, you over-stuffed pinata."
-Which way to the buffet.
-Excuse me, but your balls are showing.
-One would have to think that Manuel has a full-time staff member, who's sole task is to clean out that wastepaper basket next to his bed. The basket probably gets full after his afternoon snack of an entire bag of fun-sized Snickers bars. 2 to 1 odds says that Manuel has tried to stuff an empty pizza box in that basket, and has been scolded countless times for doing so, by his helper.
-"Manuel needs to do poopy" At least that's what the look on his face is trying to say. Oddly enough, that look is very similar to the "I'm about to hand mom/dad a bad report card" look and the "I'm being scolded for eating the entire cake" look.
-Is that an ass crack on your leg?
-Something you never ask Manuel, "Manuel, I'm going out to Taco Bell, do you want me to get you anything?"
-"Manuel want canoe ride!" Sorry, Manuel, you know the rules.
-Manuel Uribe- The story of a man born to be a figure skater.
-Do these drapes make me look fat?
-"Damn it Manuel, it's almost swimsuit season, you better get a move on."
-Not even Jared can save you now.
-Now that I think of it, that look on Manuel's face is also the "I just farted" look.
-If an alien tried squirming its way out of that bulge located next to Manuel's leg, I wouldn't even be surprised. What the "F" is that anyway? Do you think Manuel turns down sweet treats like cheesecake and then defends his refusal by saying, "No, none for me, that will go straight to my 300 lb leg pouch." I don't think so either, I was just wondering. I bet elephantitis had something to do with it.
-Hanes undershirts, in sizes S, M, L, XL, XXL, XXXL, and now "Family of five".
-It has just dawned on me that I may not be very sensative. I blame society.
-I'm only counting three toes here, what's up?
-Well, I think we know what happened to Carmen San Diego. And I'm pretty sure he ate Waldo for dessert.
-I don't care what anyone says, going to the bathroom has to be an adventure for this fellow. There's just too many laws of Physics and Geometry working against him.
-A Manuel, personal add, white lie: Must like larger men, love of outdoors a must, no kitchen skills required.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Draft #97
Q&A with Sexual Harassment HarryTimmy: How many different jobs have you lost on account of sexual harassment?
SHH: I'd have to say.......about 17 jobs. That last dismissal from Circuit City was completely bogus. When your female manager says, "That tie looks nice on you." Then she's totally asking for it. You know it and I know it. FYI for all the ladies out there, don't feed the camel water if you don't want to take it for a ride..............out to a vacant field and have mad crazy sex with it, or something like that.
Billy: What's the most bogus harassment charge you've ever received?
SHH: Apparently, and I stress the word apparently, I must have told a female co-worker, at the ice cream stand I worked at during my youth, that if we ever ran out of ice cream we could just squeeze some fresh milk out of Sandy's T-TAY's and we'd have enough to last us through the weekend. The good people at Udder & Butter didn't think comments like that were good for the workplace, and I was fired within a week. I still don't understand it. How is it my fault that Sandy's boobs are so big, she could nurse 15 dying eskimos back to health, in the middle of a blizzard, and still have enough leftover to flavor the coffee. How I ask, how?
Susan: Sexual Harassment Harry, I think you are a disgusting pig!
SHH: Hey Suzie, you want some bacon? Better yet, how bout some sausage? Souix-weeeee!!!
Ted: Do you have any advice on how to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace?
SHH: Ted, you are asking the wrong person. All I know is that you don't have to look for it, it will find you, trust me.
Bobby: I recently got fired from my job because I told a female co-worker that she was a Werther's Original, "Rich, Creamy, and Just Plain Good"........in bed. How bogus was that?
SHH: That was totally bogus. If you never touched her ass, you should still have a job. Last time I checked, this was America, and complimenting a lady ain't no crime, unless you touched her ass. You touched her ass, didint-chew?
Bobby: You bet I did.
SHH: Nuttin bogus bout that. Hey Ohhhh!!!
Sarah: I used to work with you and you got fired for asking my assistant Julie out 42 times in one week. And I'm speaking for all the women on this planet when I say that you should be locked up and put on display at the circus as the world's biggest pervert.
SHH: O......K......not really sure that diatribe constitutes a question......but......whatever.
Cindy: What does Sexual Harassment Harry do to unwind after a long day at the office?
SHH: I'm glad you asked Cindy. After I eat my Swanson's Hungry Man microwavable dinner, and wash it down with a Smirnoff Ice, I like to watch one of the DVD's from my Highlander collection and study Duncan MacLeod's every move. Everything you need to know about being cool can be found on those DVD's. And if you don't think the Highlander's style of cool is suitable to your personality (and honestly, there's only a handfull of us out there) then may I suggest you study up on the Renegade DVD series featuring Lorenzo Lamas as Reno Raines. In one week's time you'll be knee-high in Sexual Harassment Harry type action, and don't thank me for it, thank the Highhhhhh-lander.
Stewart: Have you ever thought of treating women with respect?
SHH: What?
Stewart: Never mind.
Jerry: Do you have any substitute words to use in place of boobies?
SHH: Sure do, Jerry. My favorites include, gazungazoids, hay-makers, the Tonka trucks, blousequetballs, nipplespheres, handcandy, the boys, the girls, droobies, chesticles, and a few more. If I told you all of them, I'd have to kill you.
Scott: Was there ever a time where you were like, "Yeah, that was definitely sexual harassment." Or do you deny everything you're accused of?
SHH: I'm usually a huge proponent of denial, but there was this one time I may have crossed the line. Yeah, I know, even Sexual Harassment Harry can get carried away sometimes, it happens to the best of us. Long story short, I asked a female co-worker if she wanted to have a banana in the breakroom (wink, wink). She accepted my offer and it would be safe to say that she and I were not on the same wavelength, at all. I'm not even sure the Highlander could have sweet talked his way out of exposing himself in a breakroom to a co-worker, or could he? I could have denied the whole thing, but unfortunately it was a setup from the very beginning and the she-devil took my picture at the exact moment I was releasing my one-eyed alibi from its zipper cage. It was the biggest office mishap I had ever been a part of since the time I invented loaferscopes. People claimed my device was designed to help me get a clear look-see under women's skirts, and they were right. But I blamed it all on the Gypsies and the issue magically went away. If I had a dime for everytime the Gypsies got me out of a jam I'd have enough money to buy a real Gypsy out of slavery and make him my personal unpaid assistant, yeah that would be awesome .
SHH: Well that's all for today boys and girls, and remember, when it comes to sexual harassment in the workplace, it's all relative.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Draft #96
Mother's Day Advice
Do: Tell her you love her.
Do not: Tell her your 19-year old girlfriend of 2 months is pregnant followed by a "I'm just kidding". Sure mom may be relieved to hear that her son didn't knock anyone up, but you not being a father, technically shouldn't count as a present for mom.
Do: Buy her some flowers.
Do not: Rip out flowers from her own garden and give them to her.
Do: Cook her a good old fashioned breakfast in bed complete with all the fixins.
Do not: Get mom in the car, tell her where you're heading is a secret, and then take her to McDonald's for the "Mom's eat free" special. A McGriddle doesn't quite say "Mom you are a special person" it says "I'm low on cash, can't cook, and I forgot it was Mother's day so I panicked and Wah Lah, a poo poo platter for two."
Do: Buy mom the DVD version of "The Sound of Music". There's just something about singing on a hillside that mothers find fascinating.
Do not: Buy mom the X-rated DVD version inappropriately titled, "She Pound me Pubic". You may like watching hot lesbians go at it, but mom may not share your affinity for girl-on-girl action. Just a hunch.
Do: Take mom to a theatrical showing of her favorite play.
Do not: Take her to WWE's Hell in a Cell just because they're in town and your favorite wrestler will be featured in the main event. Actually, not only should you not be taking your mom, you yourself shouldn't be going to a WWE sponsored event. Unless maybe you have a mullet, are missing most of your teeth, consider T-shirts with cutoff sleeves casual wear, and own a rebel flag. Then maybe you should be at one of these events, otherwise it's a bad idea.
Do: Buy mom a certificate for a day at the spa.
Do not: Give mom a self-made coupon that reads: "Good for one free massage" A) You shouldn't be rubbing your mother and B) Never! Under any circumstances. Put your hands on your mom in any fashion that is not related to a hug, dancing, or pulling her out of a fire.
Do: Invite Tom Jones over to your house to sing a song for dear old mom. Women love Tom Jones.
Do not: Get upset and do anything drastic when Tom declines your invitation. Realistically, you probably couldn't match his asking price for a personal private performance. And besides, it's Tom Jones we're talking about, he has better things to do.
Do: Clean a few things around the house you normally wouldn't clean, or take on a home improvement project.
Do not: Allow her to make a honey-do list for you. Women like to get carried away, and if you give them the opportunity, they will ride this generous offer all the way to the end of July. Next thing you know, you'll be outside with dad pounding home nails into boards for the gazebo she wants built as you curse the day you were born.
Do: Make a card for her special day. Something that says:
Mom is the coolest, mom is rad
It's safe to say we love you, more than just a tad
This day is all for you, to hell with pleasing dad
Sincerely, your son, the one that you named Brad.
Happy Mother's day!
Do Not: Make a card for her special day that says:
Mother's Day, what a freakin inconvenience
This whole day's a sham, and makes no freakin sense
Yeah, I love ya, of that I'm pretty sure
You're like the swizzle stick, that makes our family stir
Whatever,
Tommy
Do: Whatever you can to make her happy on Mother's day.
Do not: Piss her off. If you find yourself trading blows with your mom on Mother's day, then something has gone terribly wrong. Immediately abort your current plan of action, for it has failed, miserably. Sure you could justify what you did by claiming that it was an expensive gift, but setting her up with a year long membership for Jenny Craig? Come on, you know better.
Good luck to everyone this week as you hunt for the perfect gift.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Draft #95
Freestyle Fridays (Anything Goes)
-If you've never driven a car while listening to the Dukes of Hazzard theme song, then you've never REALLY driven a car. It's a whole new ballgame while that music is playing. You automatically roll the windows down because you want everyone to hear the kick ass song. The speed limit no longer applies to you. You take every turn at 40 mph in an unconscious attempt to get your vehicle on two wheels. If you're wearing a collared shirt, the collar somehow puts itself in the upright position because it senses that something cool is happening. Of course none of this will happen if you're listening to the longer, crappier version of the song, it has to be the actual song used at the beginning of the show.
-Speaking of driving, I will forever be impressed with people who have the balls to pass a police car on the freeway. Usually everyone slows down, a big line starts to form, and there's always that one guy that forges ahead without a care in the world. Who do these people think they are? I break a sweat when crossing a street while the "Do Not Walk" sign is flashing. I'd like to live the life of someone who passes a police car for just one day, to see what it would be like. I'd imagine these people don't take a lot of shit.
-If you've got a problem and no one else can help, and if you can find them (and you're broke as hell) maybe you can hire......the B-Team. Sure, maybe the B-Team drives a 1987 Chevy Astro van, they don't have access to high powered automatic weapons, and they're without an intimidating black man with a mohawk and tons of bling. But......they are affordable, and the three-member squad of the B-Team is recently coming off a first place finish in their trapshooting league on Tuesday nights, so at the very least, you know somebody's getting shot, even if it's with a Wal-Mart purchased handgun.-I was at the Brewer's game on Wednesday night. The Giants were in town and the near capacity crowd of 17,000 gave Barry Bonds enough razzing to send the guy home crying (at least I would have). They booed him at the plate, they booed him as he warmed up with the ball-girl, they booed him when he was just standing in the outfield, they booed him whenever he caught a flyball. They were really giving him the business, and I was proud to be apart of it all, especially since he went 0-4. The cherry on top was finding out, when I got back home, that he got plunked in the melon with a stray ball during batting practice while he was in the dugout. The footage of that was hilarious! Reminded me of the episode of Seinfeld when Kramer was getting darted in the head with tennis balls, good times.
-In honor of Cinco de Mayo, I will share with you my secret double wrapped burrito recipe.
Purchase a ten-pack of El Monterey frozen burritos, the spicy picante flavor, it's just beef. Then a pack of soft shell tortillas, the big ones, none of those sissy hand-sized fajita shells, I'm talking about the high school lunch program ones that covered your entire tray before you folded it. And of course you need shredded cheese, your choice, I always use mozzarella cuz that's what I use for everything. I guess cheddar would be best for this recipe.
Step 1- Place frozen burrito in microwave and set on defrost for three to three and a half minutes
Step 2- Place lukewarm burrito on large soft shell tortilla
Step 3- Surround the lukewarm burrito with cheese
Step 4- Fold burrito
Step 5- Place double wrapped burrito w/ cheese in microwave for 1 minute
Step 6- Try to contain yourself, you're about to taste a slice of heaven
Enjoy one of these burritos with a Corona and an authetic Mexican hooker to help fully celebrate whatever it is people celebrate on Cinco de Mayo.
-Michelle Wie- admit it, you would.-T-shirt idea- This would be for when Tomo Ohka pitches: Front- "Whatch ya gonna do?" Back- "When Ohka-mania runs wild on you!" Must wear matching karate kid type headband that reads "I'm a Ohka-maniac"
-Just had a caller that wants to sue us because the only way you can apply for a position here is by submitting an application through the internet or by fax. She claims that's discrimination against people who don't have a computer or a fax machine. She asked me how I applied, and warned me not to lie because she was going to file a claim either way. She even said she would survey everyone of our employees if she has to.
And there you have it folks, the panel will no longer be accepting any further nominations for the "Idiot of the Week" award. We already have a winner. Her name is Darla. She wears stirup pants, owns eight cats, chain smokes, is a bit on the hefty side, still has the puffy bangs look from the 80's, and is surprisingly divorced with four kids. Sometimes I wonder.
-The previous bullet point was supposed to be the end of the entry, but then I went to lunch. Turns out somebody else here is caught up in the excitement of Cinco de Mayo. I overheard this particular fellow telling a joke to the lunch ladies, and unfortunately all I heard was the punchline. He said and I quote, "It's a trick question. There is no significance to the Latino community." I almost dropped my tray.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Draft #94
52 things I haven't done:
-toilet paper a house
-egg a house
-own a house
-ice fishing
-fire a gun
-fix a toaster
-shave my head completely bald
-eat a gallon of ice cream in one sitting
-ride a horse
-enjoy a soccer game
-your mother
-play poker
-smoke a cigarette
-smoke marijuana
-smoke a cigar with Fidel Castro
-ride a motorcycle
-turn an unassisted triple play
-a hole in one (excluding mini-golf)
-pet a donkey
-gamble on the Boston Marathon
-played the drums
-sky dive
-bungee jump
-milk a cow
-gone streaking at County Stadium
-drawn a crowd
-sneak into a movie
-enjoyed candy corn
-change a diaper
-utilize a fire extinguisher
-drive an SUV
-split a pitcher of beer with Merle Haggard
-finished Kenny Roger's last swallow
-getting stung by a bee while eating a Chicken McNugget
-bowl a 300 game
-conquer a Super Mario Brothers video game
-eaten at a Sonic or a Jack in the Box
-watched an episode of 24
-fallen off a roof
-wrestle a panther
-punched a man in the face
-bit into an onion as if it was an apple
-have an argument with a midget
-downhill ski
-been to California
-worn leather pants
-watch an NHL hockey game in person
-known of anyone who hasn't seen the 4th Earl's prized pearl
-shave my face with a large knife
-been scared that I might have fathered a child
-willingly attended a meeting at city hall
-organize a pig roast
-(and much, much, more)
A prize will be given to the person who's done the most things on my list. Remember to be honest. And you are invited to go out and do certain things on this list you haven't done yet before reading this entry, just to make your total higher.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Draft #93
Some good old fashioned griping
1. What's it like being a switchboard operator?
-It's loads of fun. The kind of fun people associate, with being forced to watch a puppy as it gets run over by a truck.
2. What's the weirdest call you've ever gotten?
-Well today the guy next to me took a peculiar call. Sometimes when people are waiting on the line for the switchboard to pickup, they engage in conversations with friends or whoever. When we pick up a call, we'll hear the tail end of their conversations before they realize they're on the line. Today he overheard this from a lady talking to what I assume would be another lady, "Wow, it must be hard to masturbate with those fingernails.......Oh high operator. May I have the credit union?"
3. What's the most aggravating aspect of your job?
-I'd have to say it is a tie between taking calls from the elderly and really foreign people. The elderly can be very demanding, they don't understand anything. All of our electronic menus confuse them severely, as if someone was lowering them into a pool of lava on a slow moving platform that won't stop until they solve an extremely discombobulated rubik's cube. They hate menus, so once they panic and "zero out" of the menu they are currently in and come to us, they will stop at nothing to keep us in their grasp. They fear machines, but can relate to the sound of a human voice (and by relate to, I mean they have someone to ramble on and on with). So once they're finally done explaining their whole issue, we have to tell them we are just the switchboard, and that we can transfer them back to customer service (which is just another series of menus). It's an endless cycle of frustration. Once we say that we can transfer them, they're like, "Not another menu, they don't work, I was on hold for an hour, I need a live person, my back hurts, will you come with me, where's my pills?" They're just quite the inconvenience I tell ya.
I don't even wonna get started with people who speak trainwreck English, all's you have to know is that it is a pain having to ask someone to repeat what they just said four or five times. "What....Who......Is that their first or last name.......can you spell it please........F as in Frank or S as in Sam..........I don't see anyone with that name..........Oh, it was m-a-r.........There's four Katimastimar's...............Do you know which one................Do you know which department they're in...............Do you know anything...........at all"
4. What's the best way to piss off an operator?
-When you don't get exactly what you want, the second you want it, asking for our manager isn't going to help you out at all, well maybe it will, but it's the dickhead way of getting what you want. And do not ask me what my name is just for the sake of narking on me, not cool.
5. Has anyone said anything interesting in the last 10 minutes?
-A co-worker was talking about how a girlfriend of hers gave her the "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" DVD for her birthday a couple years back. She said she already knew how to do that. It usually only takes her seven days. So I guess it was a bad gift.
6. Do you currently have an eyelash caught in your eye?
-Yes, and it is quite bothersome.
7. What did you have for lunch today?
-A portobello on focaccia sandwich, seared haddock, green beans, cauliflower, and rice. It was outstanding!
8. Who have you e-mailed the most today?
-My friend Christina. She said she was hanging out last night in the VIP section of a club with Andrew Bogut and Bobby Simmons. If that was the case, then it's nice to know that the Bucks fine young talent really knows how to spend a Monday night, especially after a crippling defeat in the playoffs. Where's the discipline?
9. What was the deal with the waitress you had last night at Fiesta Garibaldi?
-No kidding, who actually thinks having two gold front teeth is a good look? She looked like a Mexican pirate. They did make one hell of a chimichanga so I won't complain.
10. What's the first thing you're going to do when you get home tonight?
-I'm going to put on some Lee Press On Nails and see if the rumor is true.
