Friday, December 22, 2006
Draft #175
Freestyle Fridays (Where we're starting this thing bright and early)
It is currently 7:40 in the AM as I write this and you are reading the newest installment of all things random.....
-Today is the official start to winter. There is nothing humorous about that.
-As I was waking up this morning on my sister's couch at 4:20am I saw something on the TV that read as follows: In 1659 Massachusetts passed a law that made celebrating Christmas a criminal offense. I just thought that was something you should know. But that was back in the day when you could get flogged for almost anything, like not lining up single file at the DMV.
-All I want for Christmas is a sunburn......and maybe some Chex Mix.
-If Brenda Lee's version of Rockin Around the Christmas tree doesn't put you in a good mood then nothing on this planet ever will, and may God have mercy on your soul.
-If you don't know who Minka Kelly is by now then do yourself a favor and check out the link.
-Pat Graven makes the best Oreo ice cream tort in the Western Hemisphere.
-David Lee's tip-in against the Bobcats in double overtime on Wednesday night with 0.1 seconds remaining in the game was one of the greatest plays of all time. If you don't believe me, ask one of the other five people who watched that game.
-Top 100 warning signs that you might be ugly: Warning #46 You are getting some pictures taken for your husband at a professional studio and you overhear the photographer saying to his assistant, "Good Lord, photoshop is going to be hurting in the morning."
-Here's something I'd be surprised to get from Santa Claus: A tub of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" That would definitely be one of those...I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry gifts.
-Do people in Asia kiss on top of the mistletoe?
-There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas....but you better believe my mom's balls will be filled with rum....Wait a second....that didn't come out right.
-Rudolph the raging alcoholic reindeer, had a very shiny nose.
-I don't understand why Brawny paper towels have such girly flower patterns on them. I thought that was supposed to be a manly paper towel? If the Brawny paper towel guy is whipped then there's no hope for the rest of us.
-A guy walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "So what a you'll have?" Guy says I'll have the house specialty. The bartender replies, "You want a one legged hooker with a stammering problem?" Guy asks, "You really have those here?" Bartender replies, "Sir.....we are in Kentucky." Guy says, "I'll take mine with a lime then."
(If anyone can turn that into a Norman Rockwell for me, please do)
-A recent study showed that individuals who drink Budweiser out of an officially licensed Nascar can coolie on a semi-daily basis are 100% more likely to beat their spouses than individuals who work in a monastery.
-If you were to name your son Griswold, would he be more likely to grow up an ax murderer or a serial killer?
-I don't think any of you really grasp how much I hate colored socks. They look horrible on everybody.
-My Christmas list for Santa this year included socks, two pillows, and a stir fry pan. If you think I'm kidding then think again.
-Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts is a complete skank.
-Zach Randolph of the Portland Trailblazers looks a lot like Eddie Winslow from Family Matters.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Draft #174
Pick Your Poison
1. Who would you rather be manhandled by in a fight, Brooke Hogan or the actor who played Bobby Brady from the Brady Bunch?
-That's a tough one. Brooke is a manly sized woman while Bobby Brady is a womanly sized man. If either of them decided to call in for backup, Brooke would most likely be calling on the 24-inch pythons while Bobby would call on big brother Greg. I'd never turn down the chance to beat the crap out of Greg Brady (that big dork), so I guess my answer is Bobby Brady. Although I can't imagine a much worse scenario than having your arms pinned back by Greg and Peter Brady while that little freckly faced spaz repeatedly rabit puched me in the rib cage.
2. Would you rather be a high school janitor or a garbage man?
-Wouldn't I be picking up trash either way? This is the dumbest question ever. The janitor gets to pick up trash indoors, but has to deal with the messiness that is commonly associated with toilet care. Garbage men, from what I hear, get lots of chicks. So I'd pick garbage man.
3. You're stranded on an island for 8 months and the only thing you can eat during that time is Grape Nuts cereal or bandaids soaked in motor oil. What do you choose?
-Without blinking I would choose the bandaids soaked in motor oil because I'm pretty sure eating those would cause me to vomit and I have a feeling that my vomit might taste a lot better than the Grape Nuts.
4. Who scares you more, clowns or astronauts?
-Definitely clowns. They're basically hobo's with makeup. Although there's something to be said for Russian astronauts and their unwillingness to bathe.
5. What candy bar angers you the most, York pepperment patties or the Hershey bar?
-York peppermint patties have been pissing me off for years. That crap shouldn't even be labeled as candy. If you think chocolate covered toothpaste is a treat then you are an idiot and I don't think we should be friends anymore. (I liked this joke the first time I heard it when Jim Gaffigan told it, I just realized this now). As far as the Hershey bar goes, could it Be more boring?
6. If you became a porn star today how would you begin your first scene ever? Pizza delivery man or confused caveman?
-As tempting as it would be to deliver the classic "Did somebody order a pizza with extra sausage" line, I'd have to go with the confused caveman. Not because I like it wild but because I'm thinking the script would be easier to follow.
7. Who would you rather have on your basketball team, Allen Iverson or a piece of driftwood?
-Both can catch fire, but the the driftwood is more of a team player.
8. What's more irritating, sand in your shoe or water in your ear?
-The process for getting rid of water from my ears is a lot more taxing than the steps involved for getting sand out of my shoe. The real question should be would I rather have poopoo on my shoe or gum in my hair?
9. What would you rather have as a pet a gerbil or a goldfish?
-Can you flush gerbils down a toilet? If yes, then I choose gerbils. If no, I choose goldfish. For me, it's all about the convenience of disposal since I anticipate forgetting to feed either animal from time to time.
10. What's worse, never learning how to read or never learning how to ride a bike?
-People have made their way through life without learning either, but I'd say not knowing how to ride a bike is more embarrassing.
11. What takes more grit, drinking Fleischmann's brand vodka or utilizing public transportation?
-The weird thing is, somebody right this instance is probably doing both at the same time. Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead doing either one of them.
12. Will the Chicago Bears be knocked out of the playoffs in the second or third round?
-Both scenarios sound fantastic. I haven't seen anything this over-hyped since Todd Marinovich.
13. What would you rather have for Christmas, a comb used by Bert Reynolds or a case of Yo-J?
-Carrying around a comb previously owned by Bert Reynolds would be an ultimate conversation starter. But on the other hand Yo-J combines the great tastes of yogurt and orange juice, a taste sensation that sounds almost too good to be true. But I gotta go with the comb.
14. Who could have used a good spanking the most, Sally Fields in Mrs. Doubtfire or the Joan Cusack that appears in those U.S. Cellular commercials?
-Just phone Joan is in desperate need of a hearty spanking and I'm just the man to deliver it. She's a very naughty girl, she just doesn't know it yet.
15. And finally, who would you rather have show up to your birthday party, Flavor Flav or Chuck Norris?
-I know. I just blew your mind.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Draft #173
I just finished reading an article written by David Thorpe of ESPN.com that dissected Adam Morrison's play so far this young season. He pointed out the good and he pointed out the bad aspects of Adam's game and it was a very interesting article that got me thinking about what if somebody had dissected my game that thoroughly as a sophomore in high school? Using Thorpe's article as an outline, here is what I came up with.
Offense
The roots of Andy's struggles:
Ballbach entered his JV season the same way he entered his freshman campaign, a bit on the chunky side. After watching this guy run sprints in practice, it isn't clear as to whether he's been visiting McDonald's everyday or just every other day, but what is clear, is that he's about 7 Big Mac's away from playing Saturday morning city league basketball if his conditioning doesn't improve. After just 2 sprints down the floor Ballbach resembles a wild boar giving birth to septuplets, he's just extremely winded and starts turning an embarrassing shade of red that I wouldn't begin to describe as being natural. If I was a member of this coaching staff I would definitely have a defibrillator or two on hand just in case this kid has a massive gripper on the court.
At the grade school level Ballbach's scoring prowess relied heavily on the fact that he was 5 inches taller than most of his opponents, and now that the field is leveled he just appears overwhelmed.
Offense: With the ball
Ballbach operates primarily in the post but is also adept at stepping out into the 15-18 foot range to hit open jumpers (assuming the game isn't on the line, ie--West vs. Wisco freshman season). The only problem with his jump shot is that there can't be a defender within 10 feet of him if he is going to hit one from the perimeter and even then.....? He's not what we in the profession refer to as a "gamer" he's more of a practice hero, a guy that drains shots in practice but crumbles in the spotlight. And while his post moves rival that of Kevin McHale's or Hakeem Olajuwon, his overall lack of height and upper body strength really doesn't intimidate anybody. His range can occasionally extend out past the 3-point line, his shot has a nice clean rotation to it, but the loading process is almost robotic and lacks a genuine flow.
As for ball handling.....let's just say that Ballbach is less than proficient in this category. He has a tendency to start fastbreaks on his own after the rebound and when he makes it to halfcourt, assuming the ball hasn't been stolen already, he stops at the first sight of resistance and feverishly starts scrambling to find the point guard. The look of panic on his face is usually quite comical and you'd wish he'd just make the outlet pass immediately after the rebound instead of trying to do his best Antoine Walker impression. He has a deceptive quick first step and is repetitively able to get by defenders, but....he is not a great finisher and is usually rejected by defenders in the paint.
His passing skills aren't too bad actually, he keeps the offense flowing and is always willing to make the extra pass. He knows his role in the offense and plays within himself, for the most part.
Offense: Without the ball
When the ball is not in his hands, Ballbach is good at two things, boxing out and setting screens. And while the screens he sets aren't very punishing (players have reported that running into a Ballbach screen is like running into a giant pillow) he contributes by keeping opponents from interfering with the players on his team that actually CAN rebound. This skill is something that doesn't show up in the box score, but his ability to occupy space is an attribute that should not be overlooked.
Defense
Try as he might, defense doesn't appear to be the calling card of this husky sophomore. He does a good job of getting himself into a good athletic position when on defense, but when you don't have an ounce of athleticism, all the positioning in the world can only get you so far. Whatever quickness he has that allows him to get by defenders on offense is completely void on the other side of the floor. On defense he moves his feet as if he were standing in 8 inches of mud. This deficiency is the main reason he's not a great pressure defender because he's forced to give his man a good four feet of space at all times so he doesn't get beat off the dribble.
He does display a strong comprehension of where he should be in terms of defensive rotations and he is a good help defender. He also has a good sense of anticipation that allows him to play the passing lanes semi-effectively. The utter disregard for his body bodes well for his willingness to take charges and dive for loose balls.
Overall Outlook
The minutes will be hard to come by at the varsity level for Mr. Ballbach, assuming he even makes the varsity team next season. He's definitely one of those bubble players who will be affected by the level of talent in the classes before and after him. If the 1999 or 2001 class have a surplus of talent he could find himself on the outside looking in. His game would translate very nicely to the Saturday moring city leagues and he would be highly sought after if he was indeed cut.
With his father standing at 5'8'' and his mother at 5'3'', the scouts aren't exactly gitty about his growth potential. What you see is what you'll be getting with this young man for the next few years. If he does make the varsity level next season he will struggle to find a position. With everybody passing him up on the puberty charts, he'll be undersized as a post player and too slow to be out on the perimeter. His contributions will likely be made on the scout team in practice and maybe even as a pseudo waterboy on road trips.
In summary, despite being very critical of his game, Ballbach is not that bad of a player. He's a good kid that stays out of trouble, does well in school, and has a good rapport with the other players and coaches. If I was a betting man, I'd say there is a better than 50% chance you'll be seeing him on or near the basketball court for West Bend West the next couple of years.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Draft #172
Weekend Review
Friday: I spent the evening at Pat G's house watching the Badger hockey team defeat North Dakota 4-3. Stack and Haus were also in attendance and we all had the privilege of watching Pat nearly lop one of his fingers off while attempting to cut up a green pepper for his world renown chili. Speaking of the chili, if you've never fried up 20 lbs of pork sausage I recommend you do sometime, the aroma is absolutely exhilarating. (This message was brought to you by the good people at Lindsay Foods, Inc.---The one stop shop for all your meat and meat related needs!)
Watching Pat prepare a chili feast proved to be quite an exhausting endeavour, so Haus, Kurt, and I decided to down an entire bottle of Captain to help spell the tide. After a couple of Brooklyn Style Pizzas from Dominos, it was time to pass out.
Saturday: We gussied ourselves up bright and early for a hearty breakfast down at the Old Sawmill Inn in hopes of seeing our favorite waitress, Carol. On the way over I offered anyone in our car $20 if they would slap Carol in the ass after placing their order, and as it turned out, not one of them stepped up to the plate and pulled out the unthinkable (it didn't help that Carol wasn't working that particular day either).
Disclaimer *--The good people at Lindsay Foods, Inc. do not condone the deplorable and insensitive act of sexual harrassment under any circumstances--*
It turned out Haus was the last person to receive his food, a calculated act that Pat perceived as a payback for the boot-shaped mug that Haus stole from the Sawmill last year.
Disclaimer*--The good people at Lindsay Foods, Inc. do not condone the thoughtless act of stealing merchandise under any circumstances--*
During breakfast we had an interesting conversation as to what the breakfast equivalent to a corn dog is called, ie--an oversized breakfast sausage link on a stick wrapped in pancake batter as opposed to a hot dog on a stick wrapped in cornmeal. The majority at the table were convinced, without reason, that it is referred to as "a pig in a blanket". I on the other hand do not buy that theory. I thought it was called something else, but I wasn't sure what. Maybe something along the lines of "Lumber Flap Jack Sticks" or "Paul Bunyan's Breaded Breakfast Boners". Pigs in a blanket doesn't seem specific enough for me, that could apply to any pork product wrapped in a breading of sorts. Perhaps this is a mystery to which there lies no answers? Or perhaps I am an idiot of a magnitude not yet defined?
Disclaimer*--The good people at Lindsay Foods, Inc. do not participate in the practice of referring to particular cuts of meat as male reproductive organs. While they do admit that certain cuts of meat like brats and Italian sausages do draw a similar resemblence to the male organ, they are also professional enough to realize that such comparisons are infantile and inappropriate.--*
After breakfast it was back to Pat's to watch the Marquette/Badgers game. As you all know by now the Badgers ended up winning the game in convincing fashion, thus ruining the lives of Marquette fans everywhere. Luckily for me I have no extreme emotional ties to one school or the other, but I did however have a bit of a financial stake in the matter, a stake that I ended up profiting off of to the tune of five whole dollars. Permission to submit the "Boo" and the "Yah", in that order.
In an effort to make sure I spelled boo-yah correctly I stumbled across an urban dictionary that explained the phrase boo-yah in a number of ways. Pay particular attention to the first definition provided at:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=boo-yah
Disclaimer*--The good people at Lindsay Foods do not condone giving your girlfriend or significant other a boo-yah under any circumstances.--*
Once the Sheepshead games begin at the Graven residence that's my cue to leave because A) Only 55-72 year olds find that game fascinating and B) I'd rather be ravaged by a wild pack of rabid wildebeest than to have to sit through more than 5 seconds of that game. If you think that game is fun then go ahead and do yourself a favor and take up knitting as a hobby because you're already leaning on that fence, so just do it. I'm sorry, that's just the way I feel.
After leaving Pat's with a belly full of chili it was off to Grafton to witness one of the greatest sporting venues to ever hit this state, of course I'm referring to Blizzard Brawl II.
Since I'm running out of time, just a few random thoughts about the event:
-Chugging cans of High Life in a bus between matches really heightens the wrestling experience.
-Tito Santana and King Kong Bundy are out of shape.
-Bobby the Brain Heenan is extremely skinny and looks like he's on the brink of death.
-Doink the Clown wrestled in the main event.
-I started a "Tito" chant that got the whole gym rocking.
-I took a picture of a guy in the crowd because his shirt was so bad.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Blizzard Brawl II
Friday, December 08, 2006
Draft #171
A Fantasy Football Nightmare
For the better part of this season my fantasy football team had been performing at a very high level, and at one point I believe my team was 7-2 and I was tied for the league's best record. My starting lineup consisted of Donovan McNabb, Ronnie Brown, Willie Parker, Julius Jones, Javon Walker, Marques Colston, Ben Watson, and Ryan Longwell. During this high point of the season ESPN.com's Eric Karabell (a fantasy sports guru) had McNabb, Parker, and Colston all ranked in his weekly top 12 list of the game's best fantasy players, and Ronnie Brown was one of a handful of players that he noted as being close to top 12 status. My team was running on all cylinders, Walker appeared to be completely healthy after an ACL tear last season, McNabb was thriving even without a marquee receiver, Fast Willie Parker was coming into his own with Jerome Bettis out of town, and Marques Colston was doing his best Terrell Owens impression circa 2002.And then a few weeks ago the shit officially hit the fan when McNabb suffered a season ending knee injury, leaving me without one of the top 3 players in all of fantasy football. And from that point on, my team has been taking a complete nosedive into the lonely realm of fantasy football mediocrity. Colston sprained his ankle the same week McNabb injured his knee and has been sidelined ever since. Ronnie Brown broke his hand on Thanksgiving Day and hasn't played since. Julius Jones has been slowly but surely losing his job to Marion Barber and is all but worthless at this point. Javon Walker now has a rookie quarterback throwing to him and whatever chemistry he had with Plummer is now out the window and it's anybody's guess as to what his numbers will be like the rest of the way.
After a 7-2 start, my team is limping into the playoffs with a 7-6 record. Sure I made the playoffs and not every team in the league can boast that claim, but my outlook is looking pretty bleak right about now. I still have Parker, Walker, Watson, and Longwell in the starting lineup but the rest is a complete toss up. I had to pick up Ronnie Brown's backup Sammy Morris and plug him into the starting lineup, and when Sammy freaking Morris is starting for your fantasy football team you know you've reached new heights of desperation. Jamal Lewis, who's been riding pine for my team all year long, will be getting the nod over Julius Jones and I can only pray that Lewis and his bah-donkidonk accidentally fall ass backwards into the endzone at least once since rushing for more than 65 yards is something Lewis doesn't do anymore. Colston is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Cowboys so I have no idea what to expect from him even if he decides to play.
And now to the crux of this entry. With McNabb out, I now had the daunting task of figuring out who would be my starting quarterback for the opening round of the playoffs. Ben Roethlisberger has been my go-to backup QB since McNabb's departure and he has been serviceable ever since he was thrown into the starting lineup. Jeff Garcia was the only other option I had at quarterback and his 3 touchdown performance against Carolina the previous week had now made him an option worth considering.
Garcia or Roethlisberger?
Who should I start?
If I survive this opening round of the playoffs I'm guaranteed at least a shot at a money game in the later rounds, so this decision is huge. And here's the thought process I went through to make the decision.
-Both Garcia and Roethlisberger were playing shitty teams this week, the Redskins and Browns respectively, so matchups didn't play much of a factor in the decision.
-Big Ben played on Thursday night and I historically do not enjoy having guys on my team play that early in the week because they usually end up playing poorly and then I'm heading into Sunday down a player or two while my oppenent has all 8 guys on his team yet to play. I don't enjoy the psychological uphill climb.
-If my season were to have ended because Garcia shit the bed against Washington, I would never have forgiven myself. I am NOT a Jeff Garcia fan at all. But.....I like Andy Reid and the Eagles offense and Garcia did throw those 3 touchdowns on Monday so maybe I should....
-I mean afterall, Ben (i've grown physically tired of writing Roethlisberger) leads the league in interceptions thrown this season, he's recently had a concussion, he's looking very statuesque lately ala Drew Bledsoe and his offensive line is giving up a lot of sacks lately. If the Steelers have trouble scoring points Thursday night against the Browns, then having both Willy and Ben in my lineup would be a killer going into Sunday.
-Garcia does talk with a lisp, but my goodness, he did throw for over 300 yards on Monday Night against Carolina and did I mention he threw 3 TD passes?
-Hines Ward was declared inactive for the week and Ben's main targets include Nate Washington and Santonio Holmes. Yikes, that doesn't sound very appetizing.
-Garcia dumping off a couple of TD passes to Bryant Westbrook? Now that seems like a possibility.
By days end I had made my decision. I'm going to start Ben Roethlisberger, and that's that. I read Karabell's column and he predicted a 200 yard, 2 TD pass night from Ben and that's something I could live with. Once the workday completed, I walked straight down to the computer island, and set my lineup with confidence.
But....just as I completed submitting the lineup I noticed a little blurb on the website about how the weather in Pittsburgh was going to be terrible. The forecast that evening was calling for 14-18 mph winds with gusts as high as 32 mph. The temperature was to be 25 degrees at gametime and dipping below 20 degrees by night's end with precipitation likely to be in the mix. So I immediately flash to my first ever Packer game in which the Packers beat the Drew Bledsoe led Buffalo Bills in a December matchup that was played in sub 20 degree weather. I recalled the final score of that game being 10-3 or 10-7 and how impossible it was to throw the ball in those conditions.
So now I'm not sure if Big Ben should be my choice and I've got a little over two hours to figure out if I want to start him or go with option B. Luckily I have the NFL Network Channel at my apartment so I'd be able to investigate the weather conditions a bit before settling on a decision. The pregame show does little to convince me that Roethlisberger should remain in my starting lineup. Hines Field looks desolate, the crowd is said to be slow in arriving to the game because of the dangerous road conditions. The field itself looks like crap because it was overused lately thanks in part to local high school state championship games and even by the Pittsburgh Panthers football team. The sideline reporter starts rambling about how he talked to Roethlisberger himself and he told him that "The ball was traveling heavy" and that "Ben's passes were being lifted off path due to the wind during warmups."
And that's when the red flags in my head started waiving feverishly.
Throughout that very day I was flirting with the possibility of signing rookie quarterback Vince Young and plugging him into my lineup. A move that bold would surely get the league talking. It's the kind of move the league would be talking about for years to come. It would be reminiscent of when the Packers signed Andre Rison to get them over the hump in 96'. And after witnessing the weather conditions in Pittsburgh this pipe dream scenario starting making more sense. I slowly started talking myself into the idea with each passing second.-My team is in utter shambles right now, and who better to spark some excitement than one of the league's most young and promising talents.
-He's beaten the Giants and the Colts in back-to-back weeks, he's really on a roll.
-He's playing the Texans this week? The Texans blow. He's sure to carve them apart. Right?
-Plus the game is in Texas so this would be his homecoming and Vince always comes through in the spotlight.
-Fellow rookie Reggie Bush just had his breakout game last week with 4 TD's. You don't think Vince noticed that? He's had Bush envy ever since the Heisman trophy ceremony their last year of college.
-Young has over 300 yards rushing this season and he hasn't even played the whole year, he's got to be good for 1 rushing TD and even one passing TD? Right?
-(Me glancing at the TV) And you know for damn sure there ain't going to be any snow in Texas.
So with 10 minutes before kickoff, the knee jerk reaction was in full affect. I signed Young, benched Roethlisberger and the only thing left was the crying. What happens next you ask? Big Ben gets creamed on his first pass attempt and is rushed to the hospital making me look like a genius for not starting him? I wish. Rather, Ben proceeds to throw a 49 yard TD pass to Nate Washington with three minutes remaining in the first quarter, completely pissing on the laundry list of reasons I had for not starting him. I swear he looked right into the camera after that pass and he told me to "suck it".
The rest of the game was pure agony. The Browns couldn't defend a damn thing, not the run, not the pass, nothing. My only saving grace was that the Steelers had trouble finishing a good share of their drives because of a few arrant Roethlisberger passes. He could have easily posted 3 or 4 TD's if he connects on some of those passes in the redzone. The other saving grace was that Willie Parker ended the game with 223 yards rushing and a score. But as mammoth as Parker's performance was for my fantasy team, it generated the same amount of fantasy points as Ben's 225 yards passing, 2 TD's and zero interceptions. I've never been closer to vomitting without the aid of overeating or drinking in my entire life. I couldn't have asked for more than what Roethlisberger delieverd on Thursday night, and I flushed it all away.
Willie and Ben combined for 36 points which is one less than what my entire team scored in the final week of the regular season. Am I grossly overreacting to this whole quarterbacking decision? Absolutely. Is it still mathematically possible for my team to advance to the 2nd round? Sure it is. Is there any chance Vince Young will post as many points as Roethlisberger this Sunday? Not a snowball's chance in hell. Am I immediately regretting this decision? You bet. Am I the dumbest person in the history of the universe? Quite possibly. Do I realize the rest of my team could put up massive numbers this weekend or vice versa, thus making the quarterback decision irrelevant? I never really thought about it that way. At this point I'm positively convinced that a decision this stupid could only have painstaking consequences.
I signed Young with the expectation that he'd throw for 120 yards, rush for 45 yards, and possibly score once via the air and the ground, with probably 1 or 2 interceptions. That would give him anywhere from 14-18 points. Is that statline totally out of the realm of possibility? Not at all. I admit I'm expecting a lot out of a rookie, but I just had a feeling. And in the end, I guess I can go to bed soundly at night once it's all said and done knowing I was bold enough to act on the hunch. Whether it works out or not is anybody's guess but I know one thing is for certain......... Gambling on football is fun, and lots of it.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Bucks Beat Blazers
Michael Redd
Andrew Bogut
Bud Selig at the Dry Cleaners
Wendy's
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Draft #170
Joey Explains Christmas
Oh hey there Timmy, what's that you say?
Christmas is the dumps and you wish it'd just go away?
Now stop right there, before the worst comes to pass
Santa might hear you and beat your scrawny ass
Everyone loves Christmas, that's the absolute truth
Now you better buck up before I knock out your front tooth
Your attitude stinks and you're bringing others down
I suggest you pull a 180 before Santa comes to town
People who hate Christmas are the nation's graffiti
And they're no better than Hitler or Benito Mussolini
They probably don't have a soul, of that I'm pretty sure
And their hearts are pitch black and reek of a rich horse manure
Now I'm sorry to say this, I hate being the bearer of bad news
But if you continue on this path, made famous by a one Ebenezer Scrooge
You'll grow up lonely and pathetic, owning way too many cats
And you'll die alone in a field full of blood sucking rats
Now does this sound like fun, is this what you want to become?
A crusty old geezer or a booze sucking bum?
For without Christmas spirit, you'll forever be on Santa's shit-list
And with each passing year, he'll grow even more pissed
So for your own sake, may I suggest you at least fake some cheer
A few Joy to the Worlds might help keep Santa, from bloodying up your ear
You best turn that frown upside down and stop acting like a turd
Cuz a kid who don't like Christmas is just way too freakin absurd
Santa can't comprehend, your piss poor attitude
Calling him a bearded twat rag wasn't very polite, in fact it's down right rude
So if you want Santa to leave you more than just some coal or a Matchbox 20 CD
Show everybody your holiday spirit and how much of a jolly soul you can be!!
Draft #169
Hucklebuck Holiday Remix
Snot marks on flannel and boobies with tassels
Pop Rocks in cola and burgers at white castles
Stawberry scented lubrication that rarely ever stings
These are a few of my favorite things
Shat stained whitey tighties and wet shaven poodles
Douche bags and dip shits, and free porno on Google
Passing out drunk on the steps of Buffalo Wild Wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cops dressed as hookers with big brown mustaches
And the guys who get busted, looking for one-eyed splashes
One night in the slammer and the pain that it brings
These are a few of my favorite things
When my kidneys break down
When hemodialysis is failing
When I feel like a big pile of goo
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so blue
Monday, December 04, 2006
Draft #168
1. What is your occupation?
-I'd rather not say. It's a bit embarrassing. But..... if you must pry, I am the water boy for the Milwaukee Bucks dance team. With dreams of one day being promoted to the position of locker room towel coordinator.
2. Do you like banana sandwiches?
-I'm pretty sure that's not even a sandwich. Now throw some peanut butter in there, and you've got something.
3. What are you listening to right now?
-I was watching a Larry Bird interview on NBA.com.
4. What was the last thing you ate?
-My lunch consisted of a crab cake, rice, zucchini slices, and milk.
5. Do you wish on stars?
-Like porn stars? Oh...you're probably referring to those self-luminous celestial bodies consisting of a mass of gas held together by its own gravity in which the energy generated by nuclear reactions in the interior is balanced by the outflow of energy to the surface, and the inward-directed gravitational forces are balanced by the outward-directed gas and radiation pressures....... If that is what you are referring to, then no, I don't.
6. If you were a crayon?
-I'd probably huddle up close to the pink crayon that has most of her paper wrapping missing.
7. How is the weather right now?
-It's cold, really cold. I'd range it somewhere between the South pole and witch's tit.
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
-Justin. He wanted to make a fantasy football roster change.
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
-She's one of the funniest girls I've ever been around.
10. How old are you today?
-I just turned 19 last week. Actually, a wise man once told me that you're only as old as your balls are wrinkled. Which puts me at about 72 years old.
11. Favorite sport to watch?
-It's a tie between European Goat Wrestling and Asian Ping Pong.
12. Have you ever dyed your hair?
-Never. I don't believe in false representation.
13. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
-Both, but never at the same time. That would be stupid, besides, it gives me a headache when I do that.
14. Pets?
-If I wanted something living with me that made unpleasant noises, smelled terribly, and constantly left wet spots on the carpet, I'd have Adam move in with me.
15. Favorite month?
-It has to be July. I mean come on now, you've got Independence Day, Summerfest, my birthday, warm weather, baseball, the lake, cookouts, and blue lagoons.
16. Favorite food?
-I love pizza. I wish somebody would have been keeping a running log of how many I've eaten in my lifetime thus far. And then perhaps my social status would be based on that number. And then in some weird twist of fate, I'd own a yacht.
17. What was the last movie you watched?
-I watched "You, Me, and Dupree" on Friday night. And I'll have to admit, Kate Hudson looks better in underwear than I do.
18. Favorite day of the year?
-Any day in which I receive pizza coupons in the mail.
19. Coke or Pepsi?
-I usually try to avoid drinking soda for the most part, but for the sake of the questionaire I'll admit to thinking Pepsi tastes the best. But....unfortunately I always buy Coke because I like the packaging better. And...Corporate America planted a chip into my brain at a young age so I'm medically and socially inclined to prefer Coke. That.....and I have a taste for rum and polar bears.
20. What do you do to vent anger?
-Vent anger? You have to keep that bottled up, that's what I do. If you went around swearing at everybody just to let off some steam the man would come and take you away to the loony bin. If you don't believe me, just ask my uncle Pete, he'll tell ya.
21. What was your favorite toy as a child?
-My WWF action figures. I had the ring and everything. My Liono (Thundercats) action figure was a close second.
22. Fall or Spring?
-I have yet to experience either, I live in Wisconsin. We have summer, and then 3 degrees of winter (the unexpected early winter, winter, and the painfully slow end of winter).
23. Hugs or kisses?
-It depends who's doing it and where it's being done.
24. How many kids and Grand-kids?
-My 72 year old balls have yet to bear any fruit.
25. Do you want your friends to email you?
-In lieu of electronic mail respones, please send cash.
26. Who is most likely to respond?
-I don't think any of you are stupid enough to send cash, but it would be nice if you did.
27. Living arrangements?
-I have clock radio, need I say more?
28. When was the last time you cried?
-It was after Tiffani Amber Thiessen and I first broke up. I was devastated!
29. What is on the floor of your closet?
-Shoes and some dust bunnies.
30. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
-Definitely Buckwheat. Friends who have bathed together, stick together.
31. What are you afraid of?
-Most Taco Bell employees, salmonella, snakes, clowns, and people who can drink half a bottle of whiskey in one evening without dying.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger?
-I like spicey cheeseburgers with bacon. Plain? Who eats a hamburger plain without being repressed by some totalitarian form of government? That's no way to live damn it!!
32b.Would you eat a hot dog if it was shaped like a hamburger?
-Why would I want to eat a bologna sandwich? Only inmates and overwhelmingly poor people eat bologna.
33. Favorite car?
-I'm really not into cars. As long as it gets me from A to B and doesn't brake down constantly.
34 Favorite dog breed?
-I'm partial to miniature weiner dogs.
35. Number of keys on your key ring?
-Counting the key for my human-sized birdcage? About 6 then.
36. How many years at your current job?
-A year and a half of dealing with people who answer "either/or" questions by responding with a yes. It's been fabulous.
37. How many cities have you lived in?
-Two. West Bend and Milwaukee.
38. Place you most want to travel to?
-Wherever the pizza flows like peanut butter and banana sandwiches, just off the coast of hamburger shaped hot dogville.
