Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Draft #203
For some of us, a trip to the local tattoo parlor is a religious experience that can't even be put into words. Between the undiscerning stench illuminating off of the trucker's saturated undershirt, and the tranquil sting of the needle as it eternally blemishes our human hide, it is definitely something to behold. It's a form of expression so dangerous, it makes eating a two week old grilled cheese sandwich seem like child's play. And take it from somebody who's been down that road, inhaling a rotten cheese sandwich is no picnic.
For those of you who've been recruited to be the life support to a friend thinking about acquiring a new tattoo…..please proceed with caution. Perhaps they want you to be there for moral support, a caring hand to latch onto while the needle pierces the skin. But other times, they want you at the tattoo parlor as an important second opinion. A reasonable voice to lend input as to what kind of tattoo they should have plastered to the midsection of their right buttock.
Why some people get tattoos just for the sake of getting a tattoo, is beyond most of our deepest comprehension. But……if you are put in the position of having to decide what tattoo design your friend should get, here are 10 of the most undesirable prints on the market today. Do whatever you can to ensure your friend doesn't go home with any of these on their body.
1) Phil Collins Eating a Reuben Sandwich
-It's the most tempting of all the tattoo patterns on the market today. It looks good on the shop display wall, but once you get home you end up cursing a bloody streak a quarter mile long. Regret doesn't even begin to describe that feeling one gets when it finally sinks in that Phil Collins will be apart of their life forever.
2) Dueling Pitbulls
-Maybe six months ago having a tattoo of two dogs fighting each other to the death wouldn't have been so bad. But now?? Thanks to Michael Vick, the sport of dog fighting is as taboo as wearing white after Labor Day. For shame.
3) The Name of Your Current Significant Other
-It should go without saying, but it's one of the most shortsighted forms of expression. Sure, you may love that person right now........and you may have had these feelings for over a week......and you have known this person for about a month.......but it still shouldn't be enough to go ahead with tattooing their name on your grossly over/under developed right bicep. Your dating history should be proof enough to know that this current affair will end again with you grasping your genitals in pain while he/she runs off with your last 40 dollars.
4) A Popular Catch Phrase
-Just ask the guy who tattooed a downward pointing arrow on his stomach with the phrase, "Where's the beef?" whether or not he'd like to have a re-do on his tattoo selection and he'll probably just tell you he wished he could change the W to a T.
5) Album Cover of Your Favorite Band
-I know, I know, the New Kids on the Block had it all. They had the sound, the looks, an aura that you thought would withstand the test of time. But now, looking in the mirror, maybe tattooing a picture of Donnie Wahlberg to your left breast wasn't such a good idea. He wasn't even that good looking to begin with and now he has to fend off your battle with gravity just to look respectable.
6) The Name of Your Favorite Restaurant
-It's a great way to show how loyal you are to your favorite eating establishment. But once the local news uncovers a story on how they've been serving rat in 85% of their menu options for the last 5 years, then everybody is going to know you ate there, and that you like rat meat. And according to society, that makes you disgusting. People will approach you on the street and say, "Pepino's? Isn't that the place that had traces of rat in their meatballs?" Trust me when I tell you that they will look at you as if a second head were growing out of your neck. Yuck.
7) Gargoyles
-They are creepy, disturbing, and did I mention creepy? They belong atop an ancient Dutch cathedral and not the side of your neck.
8) Tri-bal Arm-band, Tri-bal Arm-band!
-A great way to let people know how tough you are........if only it were 1994.
9) Your Gang Symbol
-Gangs are bad news man, your mother taught you better than that. Then again, you might not have a mother, which would explain why you're in a gang in the first place. I'm pretty sure the tattoo might be apart of the initiation process and if that's the case, I'd probably go ahead and get it done. There's a reason you've never talked to somebody before who's tried ditching out on a street gang. They don't live to tell about it and if they do live, their jaw doesn't function properly enough to relay what happened.
10) A Dead Tree
-If you're going to go the tree route, why not a live one? May I suggest an oak? Oak trees are surprisingly dense in stature and contain attactive grain markings. Just something to chew on.
