Friday, October 28, 2005
Draft #12
With my life becoming as routine as ever, I noticed there are a hand full of shows that are on T.V. that I rarely miss and would highly recommend to anyone who enjoys a good, old school situational comedy. The reality T.V. craze kind of passed me by, except for the Real World and Laguna Beach, who doesn't like to watch young ladies argue for hours on end, over extremely important issues like; What is he doing with her? Who does she think she is? She is such a bitch? and What did she say about me? Throw in all the cleavage you can handle and a splash of booze and you have yourself a recipe for success. And by success, I mean boner inducing entertainment. It's not really boner inducing, I just think boner is a funny word, and I found a spot in which to use it.
If I was in charge of Laguna Beach's add campaign for next season I would feature a commercial with Kristin walking down the street, oblivious to a massive crowd of people walking behind her. She would stop at a corner, turn around and acknowledge the masses in her wake with a puzzled look on her face, sun shining brightly in her eyes, using her hand as a visor. Some young teenage boy with a crackly voice will speak up in the midst of the sea of people and ask, "Hey Kristin, where are you going, what are you doing, and can I come with?" The young man shown with a glimmer of hope in his eye, on tip toes, holding breath, biting his lower lip. Camera pans to Kristin, still peering into sun, as she debates in her head for all of one second whether or not this spaz can tag along. With a quick response, she answers in her snotty tone, "Yeah, I don't think so." Camera pans to dejected young man then back to Kristin as she winks into the camera with a big smile (proud of her evilness) throws jacket over shoulder and continues on her merry way. The voice-over kicks in and encourages that you'll have to wake for next season like the rest of us or something. Basically, something that drives home the patheticness of the large following that Laguna Beach has. She's just a hot girl with rich parents and yet we cling to her every move like flies to a freshly squeezed spat of manure.
OK, back to the actual sitcoms I was referring to earlier. On Monday nights, look no further than CBS. At 7pm CT, you got King of Queens. Jerry Stiller and Patton Oswalt make this show tick, and if you don't find this show to be entertaining, then I would have to assume that you have a trace of communism in your family heritage. After King of Queens is How I Met Your Mother. Each episode begins with a father in the year 2030 sitting in a chair telling his two kids the story of how he met their mother. Bob Saget narrates the show and serves as the father telling the story. Doogie Howser MD's Neil Patrick Harris is in the show as is the new love of my life, Cobie Smulders. You may not know you she is now, and maybe you never will, but she has dark hair and is gorgeous, and I will marry her soon, I have a good feeling about this, so back off! Alyson Hannigan also stars in this rising sitcom and for those of you who don't know who she is, she's the band camp girl from the American Pie movies. Her crooked smile and innocence will lure you in, so beware. And at 8pm CT, airs Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen plays a bachelor who lives with his divorced brother who has a son. Charlie is a womenizer who has no intention of settling down, and I can't give to many other reasons why I like the show, but it is funny so tune in, ya dig? After that, you should be watching Monday Night football like a good American should.
Tuesday nights from 8pm CT to 9pm CT on NBC is an hour of some of the best damned-est comedy around. At eight o' clock is My Name is Earl. A piece of white trash wins $100,000 on a scratch off lottery ticket and makes a list of things he's done wrong in his life that he plans to rectify in order to keep karma on his side. Probably the best show going right now and you would be wise to tune in, or............... just continue banging your head up against a wall, or whatever you do for fun, what do I care? At 8:30 is The Office. Steve Carell plays a boss at an office and basically if you liked the movie Office Space, you'll like this show, and if you don't, I suggest die trying to.
Wednesdays you should probably take a step back and take a second to analyze why you are watching so much T.V. You can ask yourself certain questions like; What is this empty void in my life and why do I choose to fill it with television? Is there possibly anything else I could be doing to benefit society? Why is my nose always bleeding? Once you've done some much needed reflecting, then just shrug your shoulders, grab the nearest beer and start watching whatever game is on the tube. Which brings us to Thursday. Everyone's favorite station, UPN brings us the new hit series Everybody Hates Chris which airs at 7pm CT. This show is a cross between the Wonder Years and Martin in my humble opinion. It's like the Wonder Years because Chris Rock narrates the show and it is about his childhood growing up in the early 1980's in Brooklyn. I guess it reminds me of Martin because the actress who played Pam stars as Chris's mother in the show. If you can get past the fact this show airs on UPN, then I think you will really enjoy this program, just remember to tune away as soon as the show is over because everything else after it sucks big time.
Well there you have it, the prime cut viewing choices of the week. If you are really lame like some people I know, then you should tune in to Friday night standup on Comedy Central, then drink yourself to sleep in preparation for the big day of drinking you have ahead of you on Saturday while you watch nine hours of college football. Sunday, make your way to the chapel of lord football and sweat yourself to tears as your first round fantasy pick shits the bed once again, painfully dragging your team to the basement of the league for the umpteenth year in a row. Round the night off with some laundry and begin the whole process once again. Now that I'm finished with this article, I'm not sure if it was a shameless plug for my favorite television programs, or just a wordy reminder as to how shameful my life has become. In any event, always remember to set that timer when cooking your favorite frozen pizza because your entire Friday night may be depending on it.
T-shirt slogan: "I love beef jerky"
P.S. Disregard this article if you live in Calfornia and are currently enjoying that basking warm glow that the sun provides on a daily basis for you miserable rotten bastards who think they are so great because it never rains and it's always above 70 degrees with your dark tans and lunchtime hangouts and girls with the large breastes's oh my god what am I still doing here?
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Draft #11
I am not a fan of horoscopes and if you know me, I think I've made that perfectly clear. I probably didn't make that known through verbal distain, but if you are one who picks up on details, you would have known this since I've never been enrolled in any kind of astrology course, and I've never seen a Star Wars movie from beginning to end. And if that didn't give it away, then my hatred of anything Star Treck should have tipped you off to the skinny on my lack of enthusiasm towards the super natural or anything outerspace-ish. Not that there is anything wrong with looking to the stars for a little guidance, I'm sure "Hunter the Orion" and the "Little Dipper" have given out enough winning lottery numbers to their faithful followers to solidify their legitimacy as a credible source of advice. If horoscopes are your thing, and you find that you are utterly lost without it, then yes, I think you are a weirdo. But.......this is coming from a guy who licks his plate clean after a really good meal, so to each his own.
Having said this, I decided to take a gander at what the old horo(ble)scope had to say today. And to my surprise, I felt as though this horoscope had a pretty good idea as to who I am, and what I should be doing. The advise was two-fold. The Quickie version said that "Bigger isn't necessarily better" Wow, they damn near customized today's reading for yours truely. I felt a sudden relaxed feeling come over me, as years of unnecessary anxiety had melted away thanks to this reassuring message from above. But unfortunately, the message went on to say "Remember this when you go shopping--find quality" Damn it, damn it...........damn you, you terrible horoscope, what do you know. Haven't you ever heard of ocean motion or boyish charm, two of the more underrated assets to any man's utility belt.
The second part of the reading said, "If it is fancy, lavish, or even gaudy, it may appeal to you now. That's not your usual style, so before you plunk down your hard-earned cash, think it over, for at least two days. Why pay finance charges on a passing fancy." This is good advice when dealing with a gift you are considering purchasing for that special lady friend. Sure it's her birthday, but does she really need a gold bracelet when a homemade grilled cheese sandwich could take you just as far? If she doesn't like the crust, then yes, you have to peel it, it's her birthday for crying out loud, girls like that extra effort stuff. And yes, a getaway weekend vacation for two to a tropical setting may sound like a good idea on the surface, but you should immediately put away that credit card and take out that coupon to Blockbluster your aunt gave you for Christmas a year ago and treat that little lady to a night on the couch with season one of Hawaii 5-o. You get all the Hawaii and only a fraction of the cost. It's what I like to refer to as practical romance. If there is enough left on the Blockbuster gift card, then let the lady have first choice from the snack section, remember it's her big day. But if she reaches for the pricey chocolates, calmly remind her that there are a few bags of Jiffy Pop at home, and that you'd be glad to whip her up a bowl as soon as you get back. I promise, she'll gaze into your eyes as though gold were spewing from your nose, and don't thank me, thank Miss Cleo.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Draft #10
On Wednesday night I found myself watching Karate Kid on TV, and why not. For those of you who grew up in the 80's and had parents who didn't love you (that being the only possible reason you haven't seen this movie yet) I will provide you with a brief synopsis of one of the greatest movies in cinematic history. Boy moves to new town, boy gets picked on, boy's had enough, boy forges friendship with older oriental man, boy learns karate, boy gets girl, boy gains respect of his peers by winning a regional karate tournament, the end.
Seeing as how I've seen this movie a few times there was nothing that came as a surprise to me, except for how much the sensei of the town dojo resembled Nick Lachey (formerly of 98 degrees and currently dangling on Jessica Simpson's coat tails for a living). If Nick is having any trouble finding work then his first priority should be to create a spinoff of the movie, and star in it himself as the guy who runs the dojo because they are dead ringers for each other. Now I know there has been numerous sequels to the Karate Kid but none of those have been from the perspective of the sensei. Nick's spinoff could be about a traveling dojo that competes in karate tournaments all over the country. His pupiles could be a band of misfits ala the Bad News Bears, and have a collective reputation for being dirty fighters with Nick "the sensei" Lachey choreographing all the illegal maneuvers. I guess the movie would need a subplot though? Man couldn't just live on karate alone, I mean Daniel-sun had the steamy relationship with the rich broad and Mr. Miogi, so perhaps the kids will turn to drugs and lead a life of crime due to the fact that their parents sent them off to karate camp for the summer with a crazy sensei who has a rampant cocaine addiction. That ought to add a few twists and wrinkles into the plot.
Now while this movie idea my not be cinematic gold, I did stumble upon an old 98 degrees website while trying to find a picture for the blog. On Nick's bio I discovered the following quotes (bear in mind this was probably pre Jessica); "I kind of like headstrong women. I like to deal with a little adversity and have a struggle every now and then." And "We want to make history. Twenty years from now, I'd like to think that 98 degrees will leave a lasting impression." Holy crap batman, I can still see the steam rising off of those bat statements. The first statement just goes to show that no matter what we're looking for in the opposite sex, it's hard to resist a big pair of hooties (pocket rocket for the ladies) and a large bank account. Although I'd like to think I could resist if the girl was that stupid. And as far as the second quote, I'm not sure if 98 degrees is going to make it into the history books and that impression may have lasted for about a year or maybe two. Now the Backstreet Boys, there's a band you can set your watch to, timeless. I guess this article should just serve as a warning to Miss Simpson. Run, run while you're still young and have you're whole life ahead of you. I've given you a glimpse into the future, and it doesn't look good for Nick, and as a wise man once told me, "No reason to stay aboard a sinking ship, when that thing goes down, I'm jumping." Same advice can be given to Brett Favre and Katie Holmes. And in the case of the Lions, the ship may not be full blown sinking and there may be no need to jump, but sometimes you just need to throw a few people overboard to rid yourself of the dead weight, ie Joey Harrington. The ship crew is terrific but the captain is constantly drunk at the wheel. Heave Ho!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Draft #9
I was watching a commercial for a law firm the other day, and thought, wow, that was a crappy advertisement. I can't quite remember the name of the firm so just for reference, we'll refer to them as Michael Hupy & Associates. The commercial started out with a lesser known firm that has just received a new case. Again for the sake of the story we'll say a girl got hit by a car and they have to represent the driver. The head of the lesser known firm is shown leaning back in his chair with his arms behind his head exuding supreme confidence. "Ah, we'll just throw Suzie a couple of lolly pops and a few My Little Pony band-aids, and this whole thing will be behind us before you can say swizzle sticks." A female lawyer, after hearing this confident proclamation, stared seriously into the arrogant lawyer's eyes and said, "Not so fast, Suzie's parents hired Michael Hupy & Associates." Almost everybody in the office immediately stopped what they were doing and silence filled the air. The head lawyer threw his pencil on his desk and layed his head in his hands in total disgust. "We're screwed, totally f-in screwed." After Michael Hupy & Associates name was mentioned, all of sudden the head lawyer's tie was undone a bit and his hair became disheveled. The smell of defeat had filled the room and the white flag had been drawn.
I guess the moral of this commercial is to let people know that Michael Hupy & Associates is a force to be reckoned with. Apparently such a powerful force, that a firm should just lay down and assume defeat when opposing MH&A in a case. If MH&A is such a dominant player in the field of personal injury cases, I thought I would volunteer to head this firm's expansion efforts into other areas of law. Michael Hupy is obviously a strong brand name that breeds success and the following is an advertisement I came up with to get them on the right track.
Each advertisement will feature Michael Hupy himself, standing in front of the camera, urging the masses to contact his firm if you find yourself in the following situations.
Divorce Cases
Hi, I'm Michael Hupy. Are you in a marriage that is absolutely going nowhere? Does the wife seemingly control your every move? Are you sometimes afraid to make a move in fear of painful retaliation? Are you always wishing you could be with that hot little number across the street, but the old ball and chain would never allow it? Have you not seen your friends in years because they are afraid of your wife? Does your wife spend way too much of your money on crap you don't even need? Is the wife a little too friendly with the mailman, I mean after all, that last delivery was nothing but bills. Has your wife completely turned cold, and hasn't turned a trick in your direction for what feels likes months, maybe even years? Are your kids a bunch of little bastards that do nothing but annoy you? Do you sometimes find yourself wondering how these little bastards are even yours? Have you ever found yourself running down the middle of the street screaming and pulling at your hair wishing oncoming traffic would just take you away, away from the distress on an unhappy marriage? If you've found yourself asking any of these questions, then maybe it's time you gave Michael Hupy & Associates a call. If you've avoided divorce for years because you are afraid she'll end up with half of what you own or even more, then it's time to stop wasting your life. Michael Hupy & Associates never loses a case and we can guarantee that you will walk away with your car, house, savings, no kids, and your dignity. So leave that bag behind and regain a new state of mind by calling Michael Hupy & Associates at 1-800-MHUPYASS.
Criminal Cases
Hi, I'm Michael Hupy. Many times in our lives we find ourselves wondering what did I just do? We're staring our lowest moments right in the face and there's nowhere to turn. It's moments like these, you should call Michael Hupy & Associates. Whether you've stabbed a bus load of passengers or accidently shot your neighbor in the head, you'll have the comfort of knowing that the winning team is on your side. Criminal charges are a serious matter, and we aim to help you out of any kind of pickle that's been thrown on your lap whether you are responsible or not. Have you recently been charged with breaking and entering? Did your company accuse you of embezzling thousands of dollars from an account that doesn't even exist? We here at Michael Hupy & Associates don't think you are the kind of person that would do these types of things and we are ready to convince a jury of your peers of the very same thing. How were you supposed to know that operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol was a crime? You attended an inner city public school and your parents were alcoholics, how........were you........ supposed to know? It was a crime the way you were treated, it was a crime that you were put into those circumstances, and it was a crime that you weren't properly warned of the ensuing pitfalls. But........What you actually did, that..............was NOT a crime. Call 1-800-MHUPYASS and you'll be happy you did.
Immigration issues
Hi, I'm Michael Hupy. It's no secret that this fair country of ours is swarming with illegal immigrants. These aliens are taking our low paying jobs that consist mostly of manual labor, while Johnny Apple Pie is roaming the streets begging for food, sex, and shelter. Here at Michael Hupy & Associates, we encourage you to take a look around, soak in your surroundings, because foreign nationals are everywhere. They are scooping OUR ice cream and cleaning OUR toilets. Perhaps they have manipulated their way to a comfortable mid-level management position thanks to equal opportunity laws. In any event, please help Michael Hupy & Associates rid our country of foreign nationals. Point, squeal, blow the whistle, whatever you have to do to help. And remember, illegal immigration doesn't just hurt you, it hurts all of us. That's why we've offered to send you a free magnet/bottle opener for every alien you report. Michael Hupy & Associates are committed to unloading the free loaders and we thank you in advance for your assistance. To help, call 1-800-MHUPYASS.
(I have no idea where I was going with this last one)
Monday, October 17, 2005
Draft #8
I never claimed to be a doctor of love, but I'm always willing to lend a helping hand to those in need. Many of us out there, when faced with a lovely lady and the prospect of a wild evening, just can't find the right words to say. Most guys just utter out random sentence fragments, drool a little, and it's back to the bench after yet another strikeout. Well those days are long over thanks to my "Guaranteed to Score" one-liners. My crack staff and I have developed a rolodex of feathery smooth phrases that are sure to remove that strangers panties in a heartbeat. Here's a sample of what we'd like to refer to as verbal gold.
"Hey baby, something tells me those love handles are going to come in handy tonight"
"Wow, you sure do talk a lot, what do you say we use that mouth of yours for something good?"
"Forget ballroom, tap, jazz, and swing, my kind of dancing doesn't require shoes, although we're still gunna sweat"
"My friend and I think you might have large nipples, wunna prove us wrong?"
"It's true, I have had a lot of ladies, but you'd be the first with red hair"
"This may be the booze talking, but you look mildly breathtaking tonight"
"Hey, my mom uses the same bleach on her mustache"
"I'm a lot like the mechanical horsey in front of the K-mart, I only cost a quarter and the ride last two minutes"
"I've already eaten out tonight, but I've got nothing against seconds"
"Those earrings really bring out that giant rack of yours"
"Either you have really pretty eyes, or I'm just catching my reflection"
"I like doing it in the dark, and I've got a feeling you do to"
"My mom's out of town and my dad won't be home till midnight"
"Remember slip and slides? Well I'm looking for a lawn to lay mine on"
"Hi, my name is "blank" and I wouldn't even care if you faked it"
"If you're not on the rag, I'd like to buy you a drink"
"I can tell by the way you smoke that you're used to handling things that are hot and four inches long"
"The best things in life are free, but I got the feeling you come with an hourly fee"
"My pyschiatrist says I should try doing new things, and you look new to me"
"Can you help me? I'm conducting an experiment to see which is bigger, my hand or your boobie?"
"Yours looks like an ass worth saddling, mind if I ride?"
There you have it folks, if you can't take a lady home using of these lines, then there's simply no hope for you because this product is full proof. If after three months, you haven't found success using one of our lines, we'll refund 25% of your money and send you a free T-shirt. There is no limit to buy, and you can cancel anytime. Verbal silver coming in spring.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Draft #7
Here's a riddle for you. What's something we as humans only watch when we're at or near the age of wearing diapers? Don't know? I'll give you one more hint. You've probably come across this, if you weren't fortunate enough to have cable television as a kid. You guessed it, public television. If you are a dork, you probably still tune in from time to time on purpose without the help of alcohol. As a kid I remember the quality programming that made me who I am today. With shows like Sesme Street, Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood, and Reading Rainbow, pre-school and kindergarten were nothing more than an unnecessary formality. We could count, share, and listen as a black man read stories to us. What else did a kid need to be equipped with, before heading on into the rigorous world of grade school? But sadly though, with the onslot of "Barney the Purple Gay Dinosaur", also came a plethora of equally terrible programming. This trend has continued to this day without any end in sight.
The following is a list of actual shows that PBS has on their current lineup. Each of the following titles are real, but came with no description of the show, and that's where I come in.
Guy Lombardo And His Royal Canadians
-Follow Mr. Lombardo as he tours the lovely country of Canada, sipping the finest split pea soups and maple syrup this land has to offer. And don't let the "Royal" part of the title fool you, we all know there is no such thing as Canadian Royalty, just Guy and the guys playing pick up hockey and hitting on broads in shotty Canadian pubs. Miss this show and you're a hoser! Tune in on Mondays at 3:30 am.
Priscilla's Yoga Stretches
-Cringe in fear as this old lady bends herself into postions no one half her age should be attempting. Two hip replacements are not enough to keep Priscilla from practicing her favorite ancient craft. But viewer beware, Priscilla's tights are no longer able to contain all the baggage she's claimed throughout the years, and things can often get a bit messy. Tune in Mondays, beginning at 4:12 am.
Sewing with Nancy
-Simply the longest half hour in television! Nancy's rocking chair approach to entertainment is utterly painful. Take a trip through the 1930's as this senile old bag brings you back to her childhood youth, through a useless pile of stories that wouldn't even relate to a culture that existed twenty years ago. If hard candy and a strong distaste for the US postal service is right up your alley, then tune in on Tuesdays at 1:24 am for PBS's least talked about series.
Omar Sosa
-Uh oh! Omar's done it again. This popular reality TV series is back for its third season and it's better than ever. Fresh off his second rape conviction, Omar's finding it difficult to assimilate back into the outside world, and what awaits is half the fun. Previously starring in Cops (Philadelphia) and Cops (Dallas), Omar has taken up residency in Albuquerque, and he can almost smell that border. Make sure to catch Omar before the man catches him, Tuesdays at 2:41 am.
Make Way for Noddy
-When we say slapstick, we mean it, literally. Washed up comedian Barry Howser has hit rock bottom and he'll do anything for a laugh these days. Mostly sneaking up on crowds of people with a banana in his pants replicating a public boner, Barry's last days in the sun are dwindling fast and so is this series. Tune in on Wednesdays at 3:27 am.
Consuelo Mack, Wealth Track
-Need advise on how to diversify a stock portfolio? Want to be in the know on the newest and hottest initial public offerings? Well too bad because Mr. Consuelo has only one track to success and that's the fast one. Specializing in junk bonds grade BB and lower, Mr. Mack's greasy hair and two piece suit approach to finance will give you a first class ticket aboard the quickest locomotive on the Wealth track. Grab a pen and take notes Wednesdays at 5:18 am.
Vets in Practice-What do you get when a group of inexperienced veterinarians set up shop in a small town full of sick animals? You get what you'd pretty much expect, a lot of chances to save a pet's life without the proper no-how to complete the task. Watch Billy cry as Dr. Jenkins breaks the news that he and his staff couldn't save old Benji from that broken leg. Tune in for all the high jinks, Thursdays at 11:58pm.
Preserving the Legacy
-Rob Smolquist, a middle aged gym teacher, wants to pass the glory, that led him to three straight high school basketball scoring titles, on to his son Moe. But in this case, father isn't like son, and son's not like father. Rob wants Moe to learn the importance of a good drop step, while all Moe wants to do is eat paste and collect Pokeman cards. Watch Rob blow his lid with frustration, Thursdays at 1:12am.
GED Connection
-Make sure to get in on this informal round table discussion featuring a panel made up entirely out of out-of-work people with a high school equivalent education. Anything goes, no topics go untouched while a few get beaten to death. Popular topics include, "Why I ain't got no job?" "Who be feedin my kids?", and "I heard he got a job" The drama is real and so are the shattered dreams. This show makes that community college associates degree shine bright as gold. Check it out, Fridays at 4:15 am.
Dealing with Diversity
-This old fashioned community known as Whitefish Bay can feel the walls of diversity closing in on them and they don't like it. This knowingly racist community embraces change the way Jessica Simpson embraces common sense. When Jamaal, a kid from the wrong side of the river decides to grab a bite to eat at Jim's diner, the city raises its collective eyebrow. Tune in this week when Pedro goes to the super market and realizes he's not in Kansas anymore, Fridays at 2:30 am.
Speaking with Confidence
-This shameless series takes a double-mirrored look into the world of speech therapy. Chuckle along as patients of doctor Gus Sellnick try to spit out words even the most retarded of people can pronounce. Speech impediment is no laughing matter, unless you're on the outside looking in, then I guess it is pretty damn funny. T-t-t-t-tune in on Saturday mornings at 3:37 am.
