Friday, January 26, 2007
Draft #179
Freestyle Fridays (Where dreams almost hardly rarely ever come true)
-I think the title of "World's Oldest Person" should be replaced with the title "Person Most Likely to Die Very Soon".
-The last two times I've had a pizza delivered to my house from Domino's, they haven't collected the coupon I used to place the order. Both delivery men admitted to me that they don't even ask for the coupons anymore. I would just like to say that I am a huge fan of this policy and I will be phoning in a 3 large pizzas for $17.99 order sometime in the not so distant future.
-Someday I'll be a guest on Conan O'Brien promoting my new fictional novel, "Adventures of Dandruff Boy".
-The grossest thing I've seen within the last week came courtesy of the lady on stage at the Northern Lights Theatre during a free Pat McCurdy concert. Pat finished his concert with the song "Sex and Beer" and audience members were allowed to come on stage and act out some of the choreography that goes along with this particular song. The lady in question is probably pushing 3 bills and whenever the word "sex" was sung, the people on stage would make a humping or thrusting motion. Now I have nothing against this lady for going up on stage and having a good time, I was just more concerned about the tight, sky blue, stretchy pants she chose to wear that accentuated the massive bulge that was just below her waist line yet still above her lady area. And maybe her choice of clothes wouldn't have bothered me so much had she not put so much voracity into her pelvic thrusts. It was like she was trying to thrust her way through a steel wall. Her effort level was head and shoulders above the other participants and I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wonder if she's available and if so, how would I get her number?
-Whenever I hear the UPS slogan, "Brown does more than you think" I always picture a UPS delivery man suggestively flashing the shocker symbol to a female customer in the middle of a delivery, as if the lady receiving the package might invite the delivery man inside the house to prove the slogan true.
-If you're a lawyer and you're representing a sex offender, I guess that makes you a sex defender. But what if you're a lawyer and you're representing a sex defender? Does that make the lawyer a sex offender? I'm obviously confused.
-Ned Delski's super duper dating tip #142- Before every date, it's important to eat a hearty meal incase your date will be in need of your manly services for the duration of the entire evening. That's why Ned eats a polish sausage dressed with mustard, onions, sauerkraut, and horseradish before he takes any lady out for a night on the town. Of course Ned never forgets to wash his meal down with a tall cup of jalapeno n' blue cheese flavored java. Ned likes to fuel up for the felines and you should too.
-Things you should never admit to wanting to see but you would totally watch on the internet if someone else was doing it in a foreign country #137-- Terrorists cooking genetically disoriented cats in a microwave. Damn those terrorists! Damn them.
-I bet the stenographer's notes of the first time the pop rock group Hanson got a groupie to come up to their hotel room would make for a great read. It may have marked the first time a female was ever lured into bed with the promise of receiving a gumball machine. "I'll give you all the colors of the rainbow baby."
-Regarding the Taco Bell commercial featuring Carmen Electra, do you think she actually swallows the bite she takes from the grilled stuffed burrito at the end of the commercial? I'm thinking she spits it out as soon as the scene ends and has her tongue massaged with rose pedals by a couple of the on-site assistants.
-A sign that you've made it big in America: A sample of your earwax just sold for $20,ooo on Ebay and it was reported stolen one week later.
-I had no idea Jimmy Durante's nose was so big.
-If you were starting a cover band would you rather be called The Fuzzy Scarfs or The High Fives?
-I don't understand the phrase, "Cool as a cucumber" at all. Do cucumbers display an uncanny ability to remain calm under pressure? I'd much rather be compared to being as cool as a cow. They don't seem to be swayed or bothered by anything, even horse flies, and I'm talking about the really big horse flies. Plus, I've never seen a cucumber ride a wave on a surfboard while cows, as is commonly known, are excellent surfers.
-Prediction. Eva Longoria will contract a rare form of gonorrhea before it's all said and done, and since she is so beautiful and popular the NCNVD (National Committee for Naming Venereal Diseases) will name the disease, evalongorrhea.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Draft #178
Freestyle Fridays (Where the only thing that smells worse than the writing is the writer)
-The song "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder was in danger of being overplayed about three weeks ago.
-I've overheard a lot of girls lately claiming that they're bringing sexy back. And while that may be partially true, part of me wonders who decided to beat sexy in the face repeatedly with a burlap sack full of nickels before bringing said sexy back. If that's sexy, then maybe sexy should be left wherever it's been hiding before you decided to bring it back.
-Question. Does anybody here have any doubts as to whether I can eat 40 Chicken McNuggets in one hour? If you do, please put your money down on the table and I will prove you wrong. Any time, any place. (Although I'd prefer it to be on a Friday after work when I am usually the hungriest) If the 20 McNuggets I ate in 10 minutes last week is any indication, I've got what it takes to be a slob and then some.
-I was walking in the parking lot at Hart Park yesterday morning and noticed a large vehicle resembling a dump truck heading in my direction. I decided to step to the side so the truck had plenty of room to pass, and as the truck was passing I decided to stand there like a goon and wave to the driver like any friendly person would do. Since I was looking at the driver to see if he would respond to my wave, I failed to notice that he was driving a salt truck and I almost took a few salt rocks to the old eye socket. The salt ended up just hitting me in the temple and I'm very glad that I didn't have to have shards of salt forcefully removed from the interworkings of my extraocular muscles.
-A new season of American Idol is underway and I could be less interested.
-If you haven't been to Sal's pizzeria in downtown West Bend yet, please do. That's damn good pizza. If you like things that are big and floppy, Sal's will not disappoint.
-Rashida Jones, the actress that plays Karen Filippelli on NBC's The Office, is the daughter of Quincy Jones. I did not know that....till now. And I am more than relieved that Dwight Schrute is back. His absence from the show would have been a complete catastrophe.
-Sometimes I wonder about what percentage of men have actually closed fist punched another man in the face in their lifetime. That looks like it would hurt from both perspectives. I'm thinking it's in the 30-40% range, but I could be wrong though.
-I've always thought that one of the greatest marketing gurus of my generation was the guy who would fly a plane over County Stadium during games with a Heartbreakers advertisement banner flapping in the wind behind him. He probably thought to himself, guys like baseball, guys like boobs, why not fly a plane over the stadium and let them know where they can find boobs. Genius.
-I would just like to take a moment to thank every teacher who ever let us correct our own quizzes or homework assignments. You're the best.
-I spent an afternoon this week listening to Jimmy Buffett songs on the internet. I think I'm slowly turning the corner people, slowly.
-Is putting steak sauce on your steak really that big of a crime? Some people view A1 sauce as grafiti, like you're better off dipping the steak in toilet water before each bite. Not sure I quite understand.
-In case you haven't realized it, both Febtoberfest and St. Patrick's Day fall on a Saturday this year. I'd suggest you exercise your liver in advance so it doesn't go into complete shock.
-You're in the middle of your fantasy baseball draft and you are forced to take either Ryan Howard or Derek Lee with your next pick, who do you draft?
-And......I officially have writer's block. Hopefully next week's performance won't be so rusty. Until then, smile, laugh, drink, and aim for the pink. Or shoot for the stars, whatever motivates you.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Draft #177
The Prima Donna
People often ask me, "Hey Andy, if you don't start work until 8:30 in the morning then why do you get up at 5:00?" I usually respond to that question by telling the person that it's none of their business and that they are welcome to go suck on a huge bag of lemons. But after so many inquiries even I started to wonder, "What the hell am I doing all morning and why does it take me so long to get ready?"
Some people have told me that I probably spend a good 50 minutes a morning trying to tame the tiger or fondle the frankfurter and those accusations are absolutely, positively, completely false. Thanks to superior genes, activities such as those usually take no more than 2 to 3 minutes, tops.....and that's even if I decided to engage in such apprehensible affairs. Only a complete ogre emancipates his erectlamation more than one or two times per lunar month. And since I am a man of high moral decorum then you can be assured that I only fall to the seduction of the slippery seal trouncing, but once or twice a year.
And since I'm not spending my mornings diddle daddling with my doodlebug, then I guess that still leaves three and a half hours worth of unexplained time. And while I still retain that it's none of your damned business, I have graciously decided to fill you in on my morning routine.
For starters I set my alarm clock every morning (Mon-Thur) for 5am. I also set my cell phone's alarm clock for 5:05 am just incase of an unexpected power outage. So after the second alarm sounds, I rub my eyes, turn on the light, and then proceed to curse out the cold, my work situation, my shoddy physical conditioning, my lack of a stable relationship, and all who have wronged me in any conceivable capacity.
At this point it is about 5:15 or 5:20 and it is time to put in my contacts and then let mother nature do her business (aka--drop some dirty bananas into the wishing well...also aka--take a morning crud). Once, I've lightened the load, I put on the running sweats and make my way out for a morning jog at about 5:35-5:45.
I usually make it back to the homestead around 6:25-6:35 assuming I haven't been mauled by an angry raccoon or an uneven sidewalk crack. Once I'm back I do some stretching and some crunches (if the mood hits me--which is almost never) and then I'm ready to hit the showers at about 6:45-6:55. At this point I really have to watch the clock because my roommate gets up at about 7:30 and I have to be out of the bathroom by then and I still have to shower, futz with my hair, eat breakfast, clean my cereal bowl and orange juice glass, brush my teeth, get dressed, and make my bed. I shave on Tuesdays so I eliminate breakfast from the routine on that day to help save time.
God willing, I am able to hit the road by 7:45 inorder to get to work by 8:10. It's possible to leave my place a half hour before I'm supposed to start work and still make it on time, but the traffic has to be moving absolutely smoothly for that to happen and that's something I don't like banking on too often.
So there you have it, my morning routine. Before the holidays when my jogging route was around Miller Park and I was able to run the whole thing without stopping too often, the running portion of my morning routine would take me only 30-35 minutes. But now I've found a new route and I'm walking a little more so the running portion takes me a good hour (I'm basically running/walking from Miller Park to Leff's Luckytown).
Make sure to check in tomorrow to read a brand new installment of Freestyle Friday where I'll be discussing the usual topics; food, sports, things I saw on TV, girls, food, and things you can do with your arm pits.
This is Hucklebuck signing off and reminding you that.......if it's been over two months since YOUR last blog entry, maybe YOU should just shutty uppy........thanks for the comment.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Draft #176
Fixing the HeatI don't blame Pat Riley for wanting to take some time away from coaching the Miami Heat because this team is a mess. Shaq has missed the majority of this season due to knee surgery and Jason Williams, James Posey, and Antoine Walker have all missed time due to injuries as well. The Heat are old, rickety, and hanging by a thread in the woeful Eastern Conference and their future is looking quite bleak. If it was up to me, I'd blow this whole team up and start over as soon as possible so some of Wade's prime seasons won't be wasted away.
(Now before I start listing all the moves I would make to retool the Miami Heat's roster, I'd just like to make it known that I realize the majority of these trades probably couldn't or wouldn't happen because of the salary cap and a host of other factors. But to my credit I'm not exactly taking on some big time talent here. I'm looking for high energy guys, shooters, scrappers, no egos, guys who haven't been given enough minutes to shine, and most importantly, youth.)
Step One
-Trade Shaquille O'Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers for Anderson Varejao. Sideshow Varejao as I have cleverly nicknamed him, is only 24 years old and has been sharing time with Zydrunas Ilgauskas ever since he's been in the league. Varejao has a good outside shot and is extremely mobile, the exact opposite of Shaq. I'd also be curious to see if Shaq had enough in the tank to help LeBron James capture his first championship. But as the pseudo general manager of the Heat, I'm very excited to have my new starting center.
Step Two
-Trade Jason Williams to the Orlando Magic for Travis Diener. This intrastate point guard swap would reunite the two former Marquette guards and save the Heat some cash in the process. I'm not sure how Diener would be able to handle starting point guards night in and night out defensively, but I'd like to see him get his chance. Williams played his college ball in Florida so he probably wouldn't mind sticking around the sunshine state for a couple more seasons until he retires. And if he does mind, then tough titties, cuz the Heat are no longer in need of his services.
Step Three
-Trade Antoine Walker to the Atlanta Hawks for Josh Childress. With Josh Smith and Marvin Williams playing the same position as Childress, it appears he will probably never get a chance to play heavy minutes as a starter as long as he's in Atlanta. Walker is rapidly breaking down and now moves with all the grace of a dump trunk in quicksand. Plus, Walker has already played for Atlanta so that should be an easy transition for him.
Step Four
Trade Udonis Haslem to the Utah Jazz for Paul Millsap. Millsap is going to be a huge talent in the NBA someday and he needs to get out from under Carlos Boozer's shadow and be in a situation where he can get more than the 15 minutes a night he's currently playing. Haslem isn't somebody I'd label as being part of the Heat's current problems, but I think Millsap has a higher ceiling than Haslem and he could surpass Haslem's level of production very quickly if given the chance to play. And as an added bonus, Millsap is five years younger than Haslem.
Step Five
-Trade Dorell Wright and Jason Kapono to the Houston Rockets for Luther Head, Steve Novak, and John Lucas. Wright has the youth that the Heat is looking for, but I like the fact that all of the players the Heat would be gaining in this trade have had success in college and they are all young. Plus, I couldn't pass on reuniting Wade and Diener with Novak.
Step Six
-Trade Alonzo Mourning to the Los Angeles Lakers for Rony Turiaf. If Shaq gets to try and mooch a ring off of LeBron, then why not let Zo try and mooch one off of Kobe. Zo could teach Andrew Bynum and Kwame Brown a thing or two about being a center in the NBA, and Rony can be the first guy off the bench once either Millsap or Varejao needed a breather. Turiaf plays the game hard every second he's on the court and he's always rooting for his teammates when he's on the bench. There's a lot to like about Turiaf and nobody in their right mind wouldn't want him as a teammate.
Step Seven
-Trade James Posey to the New York Knicks for Renaldo Balkman. In a couple of years, with some intense training, Balkman could be a Dennis Rodman type player but with a way better shot. Substituting Balkman and Turiaf into a game at the same time would be a scary thought for a lot of opposing teams. It'd be like having a team of wild pit bulls let loose in your bedroom and you only had a roll of toilet paper to protect yourself. Pure mutiny.
Step Eight
-Trade Michael Doleac to the Philadelphia 76ers for Shavlik Randolph. Doleac would be reunited with former college teammate Andre Miller and all of Philly would rejoice!
Step Nine
-Trade Gary Payton to the Milwaukee Bucks for Charlie Bell (Bucks trade Payton back to Seattle in exchange for Ray Allen).
The Rest
-Trade Wayne Simien to Phoenix for James Jones
-Trade Chris Quinn to Charlotte for Matt Carroll
-Waive Robert Hite
-Retain Earl Barron
2007-08 Roster
C-Anderson Varejao
PF- Paul Millsap
SF- Josh Childress
SG- Dwyane Wade
PG- Travis Diener
Bench
-Rony Turiaf
-Shavlik Randolph
-Renaldo Balkman
-Luther Head
-Charlie Bell
-Earl Barron
-Steve Novak
Inactive List
-Matt Carroll
-James Jones
-John Lucas
*2007 draft picks not accounted for
Monday, January 01, 2007
New Year's Eve in Chicago
