Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Draft #188
Haven't I Seen You Somewhere Before?
Apparently, for those of you who follow women's basketball and honestly who doesn't, the LSU "Lady" Tigers recently advanced to the Final Four of the NCAA Tournament. I put the word "Lady" in quotations because after seeing their team photo on the homepage of espn.com, I suddenly had suspicions. Now before I continue on with this piece I just want to make it known that A) I know looks aren't everything B) I don't think I'm better than anybody and C) Judging others is wrong especially when it's based on one photo...
But holy Moses Batman, this team ain't pretty. And when I mean they ain't pretty, I mean "Dude I think that might be a guy" type level of unattractiveness. This squad might rival the 82' Brewers for most mustaches in a single locker room. After scanning the "Lady" Tigers homepage, I was able to think of a male celebrity/athlete counterpart for just about every girl on the team. So without further ado, may I present to you the LSU "Lady" Tigers basketball team.....and their male counterparts.
John Salley/Allison Hightower
Latrell Sprewell/Sylvia Fowles
Hank Aaron/Ashley Thomas
Ludaris/Kristen Morris
Maceo Baston/Mesha Williams
Devean George/Marian Whitfield
Danny Forston/Quianna Chaney
Barry Larkin/RaShonta LeBlanc
Erica White/T.J. Ford
Khalilah Mitchell/The Grinch
Not Pictured:
Katie Antony-who according to her bio, helped lead her high school to five state titles in her six seasons on varsity.
Porsha Phillips- think Darryl Dawkins with long hair.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Draft #187
Weekend Review
This edition of the Weekend Review will probably read more like a Freestyle Friday entry since I spent every waking second of Thursday through Sunday parked on a couch watching college basketball and drinking beer. I didn't venture out anywhere so the events of the extended weekend all seem blurred together and I don't know what happened when.
-After spending three straight days in the company of Mr. Parker I am now some what familiar or better acquainted with the following:
*half the script to Blazing Saddles
*anything to do with a husker
*a frosty walrus
*the Cleveland Steamer
*a dirty sanchez
*meat curtains
*the University of Memphis Cheerleaders
*places to put your fingers
*why he likes his steaks pink on the inside
*a boilermaker
*a heater
*a death stick
*manhole covers
*anything to do with vodka and gambling
-I learned about the White Shadow and Warren Coolidge.
-Apparently through the course of 5-10 pickup basketball games in the late 80's and early 90's Troy Graven had approximately 578 of his shots blocked by Tom Fechter. And in convincing fashion mind you.
-Nothing kills a party quite like 321 rounds of Texas Hold'em. I can't overstate how much I absolutely loath the game of poker. I'd like to give a big F-U to the river, the flop, the blind, the dealer, the pocket ace and the pot he rode in on.
-The Sawmill Inn in Richfield, Wisconsin. Home of the largest sausages in town. Drop the name Graven and your meal will be comped. Don't ask. It's a long story.
-If you can find something more addicting than cheese popcorn I'd like to see it.
-Etiquette Lesson #104: When a friend's wife makes enough enchilada's to feed a group of twenty men it is not polite to say to that friend, "Hey Frank, your wife's enchilada tastes great!" while giggling like a school girl.
-In regards to Pride, a film about the first ever African American swim team, I'm pretty sure I liked that movie the first time I watched it when it was called Cool Runnings.
-I'm not issuing this as a threat, but if Troy Graven decides that he will be unable to attend this year's fantasy baseball draft then his healthy achilles tendon better sleep with one eye open. The only acceptable excuse for missing the draft better have the words "internal" and "bleeding" in it.
-Apparently everybody I know is a huge fan of Billy Packer. I think it's his upbeat spirit they find captivating.
-I'm not sure what would upset Pat Graven more......A stranger walking up to him on the street calling him a douche bag as he spat in his face or.... CBS cutting away from a Wisconsin Badger game during the NCAA tournament in the final 5 minutes of a close game. All I know is that the latter sequence tends to set him off into a fit of rage that would be best described as "borderline homicidal". I'd hate to be whomever has to read CBS's incoming mail within the next few weeks.
-Tyler Hansbrough's performance in the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament reminds me a bit of my scoring binge in the 8th grade Peace Hartford Invitational......nothing short of amazing.
-Note to self: Do not, I repeat, Do not dislocate your elbow. The elbow was designed to do certain things and flailing in the wind like a wet noodle wasn't one of them. Yikes.
-Sunday Night wrap up
Full Tank of gas to get you back to Milwaukee: $27.00
Gallon of milk for cereal: $3.00
Liter of Aquafina for work: $1.50
Coming home to find out your new roommate has a 42'' HDTV that confirms without a shadow of a doubt that heaven actually exists: Priceless!!!
-Pat- Thanks for housing the crew this weekend. We appreciate the hospitality.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Draft #186
Freestyle Fridays (If you don't like potty humor, you came to the wrong place)
-What has Idaho really done for us lately?
A: Nobody really knows. Besides the whole potato thing they don't have a heck of a lot going for them. Definitely a sad state of affairs for our friends in the Northwest. I heard that place was littered with Canadians. We can only hope that's just a rumor and not an actual fact. It must be a rough place to live if you're a slutty girl. Imagine it, you're walking down the street and guys are constantly asking you, "Who da ho?" And your only response is to point your thumbs at yourself and say, "Idaho!"
-In one sentence, please describe to the audience what fat is?
A: Fat is when the line between baker's dozen and single serve becomes very foggy.
-What year did you finally figure out what the word porno meant?
A: It was during a 7th grade Algebra class. Jason C. told me and a group of other guys that he found a "porno mag" at his neighbor's house the previous night. I had no idea what a porno mag was so he clued me in. I knew what a Playboy magazine was (or at least the concept of it), but I was still fuzzy on the term "porno". By the facial expressions of the guys listening to Jason's story you'd a swore he found a pot of gold resting on a pile of cash in the inside of an ice cream truck that was headed to Six Flags Great America.
-Is it true that when a horse or a dog takes a dump on the track before a race that they've increased their chances of winning since they've "lightened the load" so to speak?
A: That's an old wives' tale. If it was true, wouldn't you see Olympic track stars squatting on the track before races to drop a number two to help increase their odds for victory? Until that happens, I'm not buying into the pre-race dookie theory.
-What's the worst aspect of your German heritage?
A: I'd say it's definitely the sauerkraut. I hate cabbage and cabbage related products and that makes for a tough row to hoe when you're of German heritage. It hurts when your own people look at you differently and treat you differently because of your taste preferences.
-I'd image that Adolf Hitler and the Nazi regime made for a bit of smudge when it comes to your people's heritage?
A: That's definitely top 5, although Germany's love for David Hasselhoff isn't making things any easier.
-What can you tell us about Paul Newman?
A: Not a whole lot. The guy makes a sweet salad dressing and I think he played a character in a movie that tried to eat 50 hardboiled eggs. Gotta respect a man with than kind of intestinal fortitude.
-When's the last time you've heard anyone use the term "intenstinal fortitude"?
A: The Gorilla Monsoon would use that term a lot during his announcing days in the WWF to describe Hulk Hogan's ability to absorb large quantities of physical punishment. Wrestling is also a good place to turn to if you haven't heard the term "bread basket" in awhile.
-What's the worst love making advice you ever received?
A: I was told (by a source that will remain nameless) that a girl would find it amusing if, during the end of the love makings, I told her that I'd be coming around her mountains when I come and then yell "Yee Haw" once the end of the love makings had commenced. I tell ya, any gentleman who would even think of a shenanigan like this has lost his entire grip on the pillar of human decency. For shame.
-If you were given your choice of $10,000 cash or whatever was inside the mystery box, which one would you choose?
A: It depends how big the mystery box is. I'd also need a guarantee that Dan Rather wouldn't be the mystery prize. That's about the only the thing that would leave me with feelings of regret and disappointment. Well that, and a night alone with the Pine Sol lady.
-What smells worse? Mountain energy scented Pine Sol or your own piss after you've eaten too much asparagus?
A: Sometimes in life certain situations arise where there can be absolutely no winners. I strongly believe this is one of them. According to the site, "Mountain Energy™ Pine-Sol® cleaner brings the crisp scent and feeling of fresh alpine air to every corner of your home. " Now I know what lemons smell like and I know what oranges smell like, but I'm uncertain as to what "alpine" smells like. My initial thought to what an alpine smell would closely resemble is a big heaping pile of goat excrement, and I'd prefer it if every corner of my house wasn't soaked in that auroma.
-At the start of the day what would you say the percent chance was of you seeing a hippy playing a banjo in the cafeteria at work during lunch?
A: I would have said the chances of that happening were anywhere between -25 and -15%
-And what did you see upon entering the cafeteria today?
A: A hippy playing a banjo. I'm not sure this day could get any brighter, hearing that banjo put a smile on my face that stretched from ear to ear. The only thing that could make it better was if I received word that a group of workers decided to gang up on the hippy and beat him senseless with his own banjo. Disturbing? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely. You give a hippy a two hour block in which to spread his hippy voodoo spells all throughout the company and you're asking for trouble.
-What's one aspect of being a guy that girls really miss out on?
A: That feeling you get when you fill a toilet up with piss foam. For those of you that do not know what I am talking about, allow me to explain. Certain situations arise in a man's life when he really has to piss, and I mean he really has to piss. In those situations a man's urine stream becomes so strong and powerful that the mere collision between piss and toilet water creates a violent reaction that results in the production of a foamy substance that resembles the foam/head that rests atop a poorly poured glass of beer. And if the man's stream remains strong for a long enough period of time, that individual will be able to completely cover the surface of the toilet water with a medley of tiny bubbles (or foam if you please). And as a man (of sorts) there is no greater achievement than blanketing the toilet water with piss foam, the benchmark of any great man. And ladies, or anyone who's forced to pee sitting down due to unexplained complications, I wish you could experience that feeling just once in a lifetime. There's no greater high.
-What is the weirdest and most ironic situation you could find yourself in this weekend?
A: I guess it would be if I ended up in Idaho at a race track sitting next to a German hippy porno star who's eating hardboiled eggs and cabbage out of an alpine scented bread basket as I cheer on the dog that just crudded himself before the race.
-What's the second most disturbing yet ironic situation you could find yourself in this weekend?
A: Again, I'm at the race track and my dog just won me $10,000 and I'm so excited I run to the bathroom to take a whiz and upon relieving myself I overhear Dan Rather and the Pine Sol lady going at it in the neighboring stall. Not deterred by the horrendous discovery I continue on with my business and while leaving the lavatory I hear the Pine Sol lady scream out, "Yee Haw"!!!!!!
Friday, March 02, 2007
Draft #185
Freestyle Fridays (Home to the world's largest sausage factory)
-Last Saturday afternoon, due to extreme bordem, I did 40 girl pushups. Consequently, my triceps and chest muscles were sore for the entire week. Double consequently, that makes me a huge (the word I'd like to use in this space starts with a "p" and rhymes with goosey).
-I've recently learned how to successfully steam a tortilla, and I can now replicate Qdoba's chicken burritos with 87.3% accuracy.
-Once when I was little, I ate an entire 8 pack of crayons.
-My top secret, I hope nobody else drafts these guys, super sleeper fantasy baseball picks for 2007 include: Vicente Padilla, Steve Finley, Travis Fryman, Jose Lind, Orlando Hernandez, Fernando Vina, Damian Miller, Jeff Kent, Jim Edmonds, J.D. Drew, and Jose Mesa. I'm expected big things from these guys, so don't blow my cover.
-The answer to the question of the week is.....No. I am not smarter than a 5th grader. I actually thought mixing yellow with red made green. I should be flogged with bamboo for countless hours until the stupid was knocked straight out of me.
-Observation of the week: Most 5th graders are arrogant pricks.
-When I was in 5th grade we had a table in our classroom where you could sit down and read "A Light in the Attic" by Shel Silverstein. The book of poems was accompanied by a tape player and headphones so you could listen to the book on tape. But instead of listening to the cassette that was for the book, my friends and I would listen to Sir Mixalot, Vanilla Ice, and M.C. Hammer tapes.
-In 5th grade my pen name for our creative writing class was Mello Yello. I believe I submitted an interesting piece on Tim Hardaway and an angry snake that bit him on his way to school as a youngster. If I remember correctly, the story garnered four out of a possible five stars. I probably would have received five stars had I just come up with an original character instead of using an NBA all-star as the protagonist, but the Golden State Warriors were a pretty big deal back then with Webber and Sprewell so I went with what I knew.
-In 5th grade I was voted most likely to run over a bicyclist with my car once I was old enough to drive.
-In 7th grade, it turned out that Philip Spreeman should have been the one to win that award.
-The snowbanks in West Bend are the size of mountains.
-Call me old fashioned, but I like sub oil AND mayo on my hoagies.
-Portage, Wisconsin was recently voted the 15th most boring city on the planet earth by Wood Whittler's Magazine. This announcement has folks in Portage hoping that the public will soon forget their other claim to fame....the world's most populous city of gangrenous citizens.
-After digging up some background information on Barbaro, it turns out the famed horse was a longtime steroid abuser and he fathered 14 colts in Gary, Indiana under the name Steve.
-My fake perverted grandfather once told me that if a girl has extremely calloused hands that it could mean one of five things......and one of them is a really good thing. 20 years later, I still have no idea what he was talking about.
