Friday, June 30, 2006
Draft #121
Freestyle Friday (who used the last of the ketchup?)
-If dogs don't like cats and cats don't like mice, then who do mice hate? Think about it.
-If you have the chance, go for it. Have the chicken sandwich, cheeseburger, brat, and hot dog at your next 4th of July celebration. That way, you can tell all of your friends that you ate for the cycle. And they, your friends, will be impressed and hold you in high regards. Either that, or they'll think you are a slob. And honestly, you've been called worse.
-If I were to ever encounter a real life zebra, I'd have no idea how to react, I honestly wouldn't know what to do or say.
-If you find that there's a guy in your life that you are constantly calling a pussy, try calling him a bro-gina. He'll probably appreciate the change of pace.
-You've all heard the tongue twister, but what's really keeping the woodchuck from chucking wood?
-If you've ever contracted lyme disease, you know first hand that it's not as tasty as it sounds.
-I had Qdoba twice this week for dinner and I must say, the steak burrito is light years better than the shredded beef burrito. If you'd like to convince me otherwise, you are as dumb as a post.
-A special thanks goes out to Tim Osowski and his hospitality last weekend. Between the tasty Molson Canadian brew, the balcony, the sporty transportation, and the recliner I passed out in, I'd say I owed you one.
-I don't think I've ever ran into another person in my lifetime that's heard of the Bremen Town Musicians. http://www.fln.vcu.edu/grimm/bremereng.html
-I still have fond memories of playing the Family Feud video game on our old family computer, the Apple IIGS. Fond, fond memories I tell ya. "We're looking for the number one answer to this; Things you might find in a teenager's sock drawer." Nothing, at the time, was funnier than answering "boobies" for a random question and receiving a big fat strike. Eddie Murphy had nothing on us.
-Sources tell me that back in the 80's, Willie McGee used to take HGH, like it was crack or something. Or was it the other way around?
-Lunch was so filling, I could poop a pirate.
-Over the weekend I conversed with a person, who will remain nameless, that told me he bought some cologne, and that with the purchase he received a free cooler. He claimed it was his "usual" cologne and that the cooler didn't sway his decision in buying the cologne. I told him he was full of shit since he was talking about how much he liked the cooler. I told him he probably bought a $25 bottle of Kenny Roger's Musk just to get the damn cooler. He denied the accusation.
-Another caller said I was stupid today. He asked for a particular person. I told him I don't have a listing for that person. He's like, don't tell me that, I know she works there. I'm like, I don't have any record of this person. He starts telling me that I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and that I have no clue. I'm like, that's very nice of you to say that. And he's like, it's not my fault you're stupid.
Now I'm not saying I want this guy to get run over by a city bus, but if he were to get trampled by a large mode of transportation, I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. Just saying.
-Enjoy the last day of June everybody!
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Draft #120
2006 NBA Draft Preview
Well tonight's the night. After reading up on the draft and all the rumors that are flying around the last few days, it's time to pitch in with my two cents on how the lottery should play out. This will be the first draft since the age limit was installed and that means no high school entries. There are a lot of recognizable names available to choose from, but none of the entries appear to be a can't miss, blue chip, franchise savior. And because of that, a lot of uncertainty remains in the air as general managers try to figure out who will be their pick.
Maybe I've just never paid this much attention before, but it seems like a lot of teams are trying to jockey for better positions in the draft this year. I've looked over a lot of mock drafts and with the exception of Andrea Bargnani (the consensus number one pick), the other top eight prospects could go as high as number two or as low as the nine spot with the Golden State Warriors. The confusion is all triggered by Toronto's indecisiveness at the top of the order. They want Bargnani, but they don't want to spend the number one pick on him. They'd rather trade down to the number three or four spot and select him there. They're saying they are also considering guys like Gay and Aldridge, but that's just a ploy to get the teams in the three and four spots to make a trade with them. At least everyone thinks it's a ploy, actually nobody knows what the heck is going on, and that's what makes tonight a fun draft to watch.
Granted I don't know all the teams financial needs as far as salary limits or what certain teams have in mind as far as trades go, but here is a breakdown of what the lottery teams will do tonight based on what their needs are at this time, given their current rosters.
Pick #1- Toronto Raptors
With the recent acquisition of Rasho Nesterovic, the Raptors now actually have a center. They also have two talented forwards in Chris Bosh and Charlie Villanueva, so the frontline appears to be set, for now. The biggest need is at the point, but rarely is a point guard taken with the number one overall and no point guard in this draft even comes close to warranting that consideration. I've heard Rudy Gay's name being thrown around as a possibility, but if he were to play the small forward position for the Raptors then Villanueva goes back to being a six man. I say they take the young Andrea Bargnani, let him be their sixth man this season, work him in slowly, see what he can do, and let him develop. Toronto is not in a "win now" mode, the team sucks, the city knows it, but they have the pieces in place, and all they need is some time to gel, and a point guard.
Who Bargnani reminds me of: He's a white, foreign, 7-footer who can do it all. Obviously Dirk Nowitzki comes to mind and I could see him becoming something like him, a poor man's version of him. But for now, lets go with Dino Radja.
Pick #2- Chicago Bulls
The Bulls need another big man in town to replace Eddy Curry, and Malik Allen, Michael Sweetney, and Darius Songaila just don't scream long term to me. Those in the know say the Bulls will either select Tyrus Thomas or LaMarcus Aldridge to fill in the power forward slot next to Tyson Chandler. Personally I would go with Tyrus Thomas based solely on the question, when was the last time Chicago had a high flying, athletic player to be excited about (MJ in 98)? That lineup is so boring right now, they need someone with a little flair for Pete's sake. Aldridge is about as exciting as a paper cut, so I'd go with Thomas here at number 2.
Who Thomas reminds me of: He's like Vince Carter trapped in Tim Thomas's body.
Pick #3- Charlotte Bobcats
The last few drafts have been dedicated to big men in Charlotte and now they're looking for a perimeter scorer. They seem to have their wish list narrowed down to Brandon Roy, Rudy Gay, and Adam Morrison. Coach/general manager Bernie Bickerstaff likes Gay and Morrison, but Michael Jordan (the person given control of draft decisions) likes Roy. Same situation applys to the Bobcats as it did with the Raptors, they already have a solid player at Rudy Gay's position and his name is Gerald Wallace. I'm not sure of how adaptable Morrison or Gay are to playing shooting guard, but Roy fits the mold a lot better.
Who Roy reminds me of: Plain and simple, he just looks like Ron Mercer, which would scare any GM from drafting him if they knew that the two would have identical career paths, but luckily for Roy, I see him having a better career. How much better? Not sure. If he produces at around an Alan Houston level for 8 years, then I'd say you got your money's worth.
Pick #4- Portland Trailblazers
Well everybody in the Northwest region of the country would like to see their local boy hang around the area for a few more years and I say why not? Again Aldridge is slated as a strong possibility here with Przybilla and Ratliff's future uncertain, but how could you ignore the masses? Portland has dealt with nothing but thugs ever since the Drexler/Porter/Duckworth contingency left town and it's time to start bringing in some quality people and personalities. Morrison looks like he's a syringe away from putting on a hooded sweatshirt and disappearing into the woods unannounced at the drop of a hat to go find spirits, but what are the odds of that happening? Draft the stache. I have faith that the Blazer's marketing team will be able to implement a "ride the stache" or "mustache ride" campaign that will have the city in an absolute buzz.
Who Morrison reminds me of: Wally Szczerbiak's dirty little brother who had to fight for everything he ever had. I would like to think he'll be a better pro and that all hinges on whether or not he evolves into an all around playmaker. Otherwise he's just another douche heaving jumpers.
Pick #5- Atlanta Hawks
They are set from 2-4 with Joe Johnson, Marvin Williams, Josh Smith, and Josh Childress. Al Harrington is a free agent so his status in the air, but regardless, your future already lies at the power forward position with Marvin Williams so what's the use of drafting that position again in fear of losing Harrington? They desperately need a point guard after losing out on Chris Paul in last year's draft and having to deal with Tyronn Lue and Royal Ivey for a full season. But the point guard crop doesn't seem to have anyone who warrants a 5th overall pick. Randy Foye of Villonova makes some sense here, but the question of whether he can be a true point guard remains since he's so highly tauted for his scoring. The Hawks appear to be leaning towards a big man to fill in the center spot and Aldridge would be a good fit here. But rumors strongly suggest that the Hawk's brass have already made a commitment to Duke big man, Shelden Williams, who was slated to go around the 10th pick as little as a few days ago. I'd say get a true, pass first, point guard via free agency and go after a big guy with this pick. LaMarcus Aldridge would be hard to pass up at the five spot in the draft, so he might as well be the selection.
Who Aldridge reminds me of: Unfortunately, Aldridge reminds me of Joe Smith. A tall lanky big man with some shooting touch, with question marks as to whether or not he can survive in the post with such a frail frame and a lack of a mean streak.
Pick #6- Minnesota Timberwolves
It's time to get Gay, Rudy style. Sure Ricky Davis is technically your small forward right now if you are Minnesota, but unlike Toronto and Charlotte, the T'wolves have the option of moving Davis over to shooting guard to free up a space for Gay. And secondly, if Ricky Davis is on your team, it's time to revaluate your current situation because Ricky is a turd and that's not an opinion. Foye has also been talked about as an option with this pick, but I would stay put with newly acquired Marcus Banks who had showed some promise after last year's midseason trade to the T'wolves.
Who Gay reminds me of: I'd say Rudy Gay is a more athletic version of Sean Elliot but with less heart. If Rudy lost a kidney I'm pretty sure he'd just say "fuck it" and hang'em up. But then again, I'd say that if he lost his favorite necklace. Actually I don't buy into the whole Rudy Gay doesn't have heart theory. I know he wasn't very assertive in this year's NCAA tourny, but I've got a feeling his laid back approach will translate very well into the NBA.
Pick #7- Boston Celtics
The Celtics seem to be in the middle of a lot of the trade rumors that are being tossed about, and have not publicly narrowed down their list of preferences. Assuming they actually keep the pick, then Foye and Shelden Williams could fill in some of the gaps in Boston's lineup. They have a young frontcourt and Williams has more experience than the two high schoolers Perkins and Jefferson combined. Plus Duke is a quality program that has produced a couple of nice big men in recent years, Elton Brand and Carlos Boozer to name a few. A point guard is the other urgent need, and UConn's Marcus Williams, Kentucky's Rajon Rondo, and Foye have all been considered. If the Hawks promise to Shelden Williams was true, then he'd be off the board and Aldridge would be the logical selection, but in this scenario, Shelden Williams is available and should be the selection.
Who Williams reminds me of: This guy:
Pick #8- Houston Rockets I've heard J.J. Redick's name being bantered around this slot, but I won't even consider Redick a lottery pick, ever, the thought of it hurts my brain. The last couple of years it's been Yao and T-Mac with an assortment of shitty over-rated power forwards, Weatherspoon, Juwan Howard, and Stromile Swift to name a few. And the remaining two positions have been filled out by an assortment of shitty, undersized, combo guards ala Bob Sura, David Wesley, Jon Barry, Charlie Ward, Mike James, Luther Head, and whatever other pile of puke the Rockets could get their hands on. This year, avoid Foye and Redick and try picking someone like Rodney Carney, someone who could run the floor with McGrady and finish a fastbreak in style. No more weiners.
Who Carney reminds me of: Desmond Mason with a better perimeter shot.
Pick #9 Golden State Warriors
Center has been their glaring weakness for years. They didn't have one when Don Nelson was trying to convince Webber to play the five back in 93 and they haven't had one since. Although Adonal Foyle seems like he's been there since Webber left town, I'm sure they've had plenty of other equally crappy centers. The Warriors have adequate starters at positions 1-4, but their pick is dependant on whether or not upper management decides to get rid of some of those pieces since the Davis, Dunleavy, Murphy, and Richardson combination doesn't appear to be meshing very well. If they do have their heart set on a center, then Patrick O'Bryant, Hilton Armstrong, and Mouhamed Saer Sene are the top centers on the board. O'Bryant seems to be like a Antonio McDyess in that he suddenly has come out of nowhere after a solid NCAA tourny appearance and now he all of a sudden has so much value. I'm a huge Hilton Armstrong fan, so I'd advice selecting him.
Who Armstrong reminds me of: Hilton doesn't remind me of too many players. He's got great leaping ability, he's long and can block shots, he just seems very disruptive on the defensive end. I don't know how much offensive talent he possesses, but it has to be more than Adonal Foyle, or at least it will be.
Pick #10- Seattle Sonics
With Ray Allen and Luke Ridnour in the backcourt and Rashard Lewis at the three, the Sonics appear to be looking for another big body to join the heap of unproven talent in the frontcourt. Most of the unproven talent lies at the center position with seven-footers Robert Swift and Johan Petro so a rookie center is the least of their needs. The next best possible power forward option is N.C. State's Cedric Simmons so he would seem like the logical choice here, but I guess it would depend on whether the Sonics bring back Chris Wilcox. Then again, backup forward Nick Collison can't seem to stay healthy very often, so Simmons is the pick.
Pick #11- Orlando Magic
They're looking for a taller scoring option to play along side Jamer Nelson in the backcourt. May I suggest Ronnie Brewer of Arkansas. Whatever you do, don't pick Redick. (Shawn Respert's white brother)
Pick #12- New Orleans Hornets
P.J. Brown is older than dirt and Jamaal Magloire needs to be replaced on the frontline after leaving before last season via trade. Might as well give that Patrick O'Bryant a try. I'm pretty sure he doesn't run like the tin man, so he has to be an upgrade.
Pick #13- Philadelphia 76ers
Maurice Cheeks, just roll the ball out there at practice and tell them boys to run, run, run because with Iverson and Foye in the same backcourt, speed is your ally. Add Iguodala into the mix, and you've got a fun team to watch in Philly. That's what I'd do, but with Dalembert on the outs and Webber not getting any younger, Philly might go the big route as well. If they do, then Shawne Williams of Memphis or FSU's Alexander Johnson would be the best options at that position, but they could probably be obtained with a later first round pick. I'd go with Randy Foye, after all, he's a Villanova guy.
Pick #14- Utah Jazz
The frontline is packed with Andrei Kirilenko, Carlos Boozer, and Mehmet Okur. Deron Williams is the new point guard in town so that leaves shooting guard and center as their biggest needs. I'd go center because Redick isn't an option as stated earlier. Mouhamed Saer Sene can grab the rim standing up, he got Karl Malone's approval in workouts, and ain't no way he could be much worse than Greg Ostertag. I'd go with the big guy here and look for Mike Gansey in round two.
Pick #39- Milwaukee Bucks
I've heard Iowa State point guard Will Blalock's name thrown about and Boston College forward Craig Smith as well. I like both of these guys. Whoever the Bucks can bring in here to bust some chops and give this team an edge, is what I'm looking for. The Bucks play most of their games half asleep and they need to develop an attitude. This is the main reason I hate coach Stotts. He's as exciting as Scotch tape. I'm done writing now. I'm going to grab some Qdoba and belly up to the tube for some exciting offseason NBA action, it's fantastic!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Draft #119
Differences in Age
Things to do to stay in shape:
An 18-year-old might bike, swim, run, play sports, and engage in close personal relations with classmates.
An 80-year-old might get the mail, breath, take medicine, breath, sleep, and walk.
Things to do for fun:
A 21-year-old might go to a concert, a bar, race a motorcycle, and engage in close personal relations with classmates.
An 80-year-old might go to church to play Bingo, shop for wheelchairs, take a nap, and knit doilies.
Things to look forward to:
A 15-year-old: Your 16th birthday so you can acquire a drivers license, your 18th birthday so you can participate in smoking, gambling, and engaging in close personal relations with classmates or yourself as you watch special movies or look at special magazines that were purchased by you and not taken from your father's "secret" stash.
An 80-year-old: The sweet release of death.
Things you don't look forward to:
A 17-year-old: Taking the ACT's, finding summer work, paying for college, wondering if whether or not the last person you had close personal relations with had a disease, and playing your last high school football game.
An 80-year-old: Slipping on ice, watching your friends die, losing your teeth, and crapping your pants.
Things you might do 3 or 4 times a week:
A 19-year-old: Try to score alcohol, smoke drugs, go to a fast food joint, go to class, skip class, and have close personal relations with random dorm mates.
An 80-year-old: Forget where you are, complain about traffic, feed pigeons, crap your pants, and spend an hour listening to polka music while replacing the clear plastic covering on your couches.
Things you might say:
A 14-year-old: Eat me, bite me, whatever, you suck, I hate you, I don't care, and fo-shizzle.
An 80-year-old: Oh my back, damn government, that's the tops, you look spiffy, who ate the last olive, super grip my ass, I ain't wearing diapers, you don't need a license for that, what, who, I can't hear you, speak up, help!
Things you wish for:
A 21-year-old: A job, having close personal relations with more than one person at a time, and to possibly own a home someday.
An 80-year-old: A new hip, hearing aids that can't be seen from five blocks away, one of those fancy canes, and to be able to chew a steak just one more time.
Things that get you in trouble:
A 22-year-old: Driving a car into a tree because you drank to much alcohol, having close personal relations while on the job with or without a co-worker, lipping off to your folks, and throwing snowballs at moving cars.
An 80-year-old: Forgetting your medication, driving automobiles, the stairs, the shower, investment agencies, shoelaces, and hyper grandchildren.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Draft #118
Freestyle Fridays (And I've got nothing)
Usually during the week I have a handful of topics I put in the old memory bank to be discussed on Fridays, but this week, I've got nothing.
-If I was an American Gladiator, my stage name would be Proton (a stable, positively charged subatomic particle in the baryon family having a mass 1,836 times that of the electron). And I would have to request that I never be allowed to participate in the one-on-one football event because as you all know, I have below average tackling skills.
-I think it's high time we all had some fun with the three-man slingshot again, it's been awhile.
-Speaking of it's been awhile, when's the last time anybody's ran through a sprinkler? Why is this just considered a children's activity? Why can't a forty-year-old man in swimming trunks, without kids present, run through a sprinkler on his front lawn without society casting labels on him? Why?
-Is Vin DiGiorgio alive? I'm officially sending out an SOS.
-Please mark your calendars for Wednesday, June 28th. And no, I'm not referring to the opening of Superman, I'm referring to the NBA Draft-where dreams are both born and put to rest. I am very much looking forward to this date and if anyone would like to join me in watching the draft, please RVSP ASAP. This draft seems very wide open this year, and anything could happen. What will the Raptors do with the #1 pick? How far will Rudy Gay slip? Will Jordan single handedly ruin the Bobcats by drafting Kwame Brown's little brother Twunya, a virtually unknown YMCA superstar? The Bucks are dangling Magloire and Mo Williams out there as trade bait, will there be any takers? How big has Morrison's mustache gotten since we've last seen him in March? Will Novak sneak his way into the lottery? Could Josh Boone get any ugglier? To those of you considering watching, I will be supplying chips and dip to enhance your viewing experience.
-How fun would it be to pitch against a little league team as a quasi-grown up 24-year-old? If you don't think I would get an absolute buzz off of mowing through a lineup of shaky-knee'd 12-year-olds using nothing but straight heat and intimidation, then you are dead wrong. And don't forget, in little league, pitchers get to bat.
-What do you think the after party was like for the game in which Rudy finally got to suit up for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish? I bet he found himself in a 8-way Irish orgy before the night was through with all of his teammates watching and chanting Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Or........he took his parents out for ice cream or something like that. Either way, I bet it was pretty wild.
-Since when do Happy Meals not come in a box anymore? The box was 63% of the allure of a Happy Meal. Whoever decided to go with a paper bag is an idiot, and you can put that in writing.
-In fourth grade, I punched a kid in the stomach in the bathroom. He was a third grader, but he was messing with one of the guys from my crew, so I had to step up.
-Rumor has it, that Haus laced em up for a substitute appearance for a Tuesday night church softball league. I need details.
Well, I guess this was an abbreviated addition of Freestyle Friday, if you'd like more of me (and honestly who doesn't), feel free to make comments, I'll be here for two hours to answer all of your silly questions. For which I anticipate, there will be zero.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Draft #117
Popular warning signs that indicate your girlfriend may be crazy:
-She owns more than two cats
-She eats her spaghetti with a spoon
-She's still really into Dawson's Creek
-She cuts herself with razor blades after every phone conversion with you
-She's not startled by caves or wolves
-She's constantly challenging you to an arm wrestling match
-She eats candle wax and assorted potpourri
-She wears a helmet when driving a car, just in case
-She refuses to bathe on even days of the month
-She cuts her own hair with a set of hedge clippers
-She has a lava lamp for every color of the rainbow lined up in her room
-She watches her favorite movie, Home Fries, every Wednesday and Sunday at 4:12pm
-She doesn't believe in ketchup, but insists that unicorns are real AND have feelings
-She likes to build houses made of playing cards and then light them on fire while reciting 17th centry poetry
-She hasn't removed her Tom Cruise poster from her bedroom wall, after all that's happened with him
-She had a Tom Cruise poster
-She collects oven mits as a hobby
-She thinks Freddy Krueger is kinda cute, yet is utterly terrified of Winnie the Pooh
-She does this thing where she randomly slaps you across the face for no reason and then laughs hysterically
-She thinks George Michael hung the moon and the stars
-She is the events coordinator for the Dunkel County Fair and she has her own exhibit and she really doesn't do anything special, it's just her
-She wonders why nobody else dips their Hot Pockets into chocolate sauce
-She wraps and staples Christmas lights around a wood board and waves it around like a light sabre and insists you join the dark side
-She has a My Little Pony punching bag in her basement and there appears to be blood stains on it
-She's never even heard of the following people: Chuck Norris
-She has a tatoo of an octopus and refers to it as her devilfish tatoo
-She claims that the Gorton's fisherman is actually her grandpa and she uses blatantly photo-shopped pictures as proof of her fictitious family lineage
-As far as footwear goes, she owns nothing but velcro shoes
-She over-utilizes toothpicks and under-utilizes toothpaste
-She screams violent obscenities at cars that are blue and won't stop until you are able to feed her an orange flavored Flinstones push-up sherbet treat
-She's paid money to have her stretch marks surgically enhanced
-She's not familiar with mortgage backed securities
Crazy girlfriend scale
0-5 traits from above and she may be considered quirky
6-10 and she's most likely a weirdo
11-15 and I wouldn't be seen in public with this person, yet I wouldn't be home alone with her either
16-20 and there's a good chance she's spent time in a mental institution before she started dating you
21-25 a definite drug induced Courtney Love type crazy
26-30 run for your life and alert the proper authorities crazy
Monday, June 19, 2006
Draft #116
Outline of Saturday activities for the 2006 Dunkel County Fair:
Gates open at 9:00am.
10:00am- The Arnold Plumbing "I'm So Hungover" contest: Last year's winner Billy Merkwith takes on all comers again and will try to repeat last year's all nighter performance which captured him the crown. While Dunkel County law enforcers do not condone drinking until your blood alcohol level reaches the coveted .29 mark, they also know what it will take to beat last year's winner. And that is why the Dunkel County Sheriffs Department will be sponsoring the "Sleep for Free" hay bin located just outside the main concourse gates.
10:30am- Simmon's Dentistry "Manure Identification" contest: Do you know your way around a farm? Do you love barnyard animals? Can you stand the raw stench of manure? Do you have a sharp and distinct nose for different forms of animal refuse? Do you have little to no shame? Then maybe you should become a participant in the Manure Identification contest. All manure samplings will be restricted to farm animals only, so don't worry about whether or not you may be underqualified. No experience needed, all talent levels welcome. Manure isn't about whether who wins or loses, it's all about having fun.
11:00am- The Cheffler's Market "Corncob Skills" challenge: If you thought corn was just for eating, then think again. This contest showcases a variety of talents. The first category, the barrel toss, tests participates accuracy in the field of corncob tossing. The contestant must toss a cob into a barrel located 5, 10, 15, 20, and 25 yards away before his opponent does, in order to win. The second category is the long distance corncob punting contest. Pretty self explanatory, the person to punt the cob of corn the farthest, wins. The third and most popular category is the silo toss, in which participants must toss as many cobs of corn as they can into the top of a 30 foot silo in 2 minutes.
*Last years fourth and most controversial category, the corncob in the cornhole contest has been expunged from the skills challenge lineup for a variety of reasons that we are not at liberty to discuss.
11:30am- Norfson's Tatoos "Three-regged Resbian Relay Race" contest: Come and watch Dunkel County's finest carpet munching, Harley riding, mullet sporting, sleeveless, leather wearing, strapped on, mud-flapper-slappers compete in the most grueling of events, the 3-legged race. Unlike most three-legged relays, these powerful farm dykes are required to push a midget in a wheelbarrow to help complicate the contest because after all, Dunkel County has some of the strongest and most skilled She-men in all the land, and just a plain, normal, everyday three-legged race wouldn't do them justice.
Noon- Grandpa Milton's Feedbag Funhouse power hour: For one hour only, all the menu items in Grandpa Milton's tent are half price. From deep-fried moon pies to beer battered Butterfingers, all items will be reasonably priced. Never had a double-churro burger with nacho cheese and strawberries? Then come on down. Does a caramel dipped hot dog sound like something you might like? Then come on down. If you miss out on Grandpa's famous peanut butter n' mustard calzones, you'll be kicking yourself for weeks, so come on down and taste all the fun.
1:00pm- Community Memorial's free VD screenings- located in a van behind the silo toss.
1:30pm- Dunkel County elderly spelling bee.
2:00pm- Gellmer's Gas Stop "Toenail" contest: Enter in any of the four categories; length, filthiness, most unidentifiable fungis, and worst smell.
2:30pm- Randy Smitherson's Gashouse Gang: Will be performing on the mainstage next to the snow cone tent. Randy promises a seven play super set so long as drummer Waylon Pinkston can go the distance. And if last year was any indication, he probably won't.
3:00pm- Aunt Edna's used underwear auction-benefits the Aunt Edna's 30 cats, food fund.
3:30pm- Sheriff's Round Up- Cuff'em and Club'em. Aunt Edna's used underwear auction is just a setup to lure in the county's finest perverts, pedophiles, and undy sniffers. Receive a temporary law enforcement badge and club for only $10.00 and help get rid of our county's trash........well you know.......the weird, freaky trash.
4:00pm- Brief intermission for completion of farming chores. The only thing running will be the ferris wheel (ferris wheel operation hours dependent on the court ordered random field sobriety tests that will be given to Jethro by the sheriff's department throughout the day. We don't want a repeat of last year's incident). Ride at own risk.
6:00pm- Bring your own cup hour at the Hiltower Farm Equipment Rentals Beer Tent- No drinking device will be refused from 6pm-7pm. $15.00 a pour.
7:00pm- Gerth Brooks performs his greatest hits live and in concert.
9:00pm- Rascal Phlatts perform their greatest hits live and in concert.
10:30pm- The Discount Pornography Shack presents: The 7th Annual Wet Overalls contest. New to this year, the wet flannel division.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Draft #115
Freestyle Fridays (Ain't it great)
-Why do truckers and sailors get such a bad rap for using foul language? These people live very isolated lives, so how often is it that you actually run into someone who is either a trucker or a sailor? I know I don't see individuals of these professions very often and if I did, I would expect them to be quite drunk. If I had to spend that much time on a ship or a truck, I'd probably be very angry with the world and would consequently turn to alcohol for relief. So is that why they've garnered this reputation? During the few times they ARE able to head out and enjoy society, do they exhibit caged animal type behavior? Is drunken cursing their only form of communication with the outside world? Has their lack of education lead them to a limited vocabulary that consists mainly of 4-letter words? Frankly, I don't give a shit. I just can't wait till the day comes when I'm finally able to execute this "trucker method" of birth control I've been hearing about. I'm told it's nearly a full proof method. Thank you truckers of America!
-Have you seen the Tanqueray Gin advertisements featuring this black Austin Powers type character? The last commercial I saw had him on a boat or a ship and he's sitting in a chair with a bottle of Tanqueray next to him and an empty glass in hand. Then the camera shifts to a shot of a huge iceberg and then back to his empty glass, to the iceberg, and then back to his glass. The guy then asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" And then he does his signature cackle and the voice over begins to talk about how great the product is and that's the end of the commercial. Well almost. Just before the commerical ends, the voice over quickly gives the courtesy "enjoy Tanqueray responsibly or in moderation" disclaimer. How genious is that? One second they're telling us how fun it would be to drink a glacier load of gin and the next they're telling us to responsibly sip the stuff in a grandma-like fashion. I'm a big fan of this commercial.
-Some baseball notes
Have you ever seen or heard Rickie Weeks during an interview? It is absolutely brutal. He's the total package; nerves, stuttering, sentence fragments, and a shy demeanor. It's a train wreck from beginning to end. You'd have a hard time trying to convince me that this guy wasn't dropped on the old soft spot at a young age. This guy makes Ozzie Osbourne look like Colin Powell. Don't get me wrong, I like the guy, he's a good kid, but yikes! Nothing that comes out of his mouth makes sense, at all.
I voted a couple times today for the starters of the 2006 MLB All Star game, and let me tell you. Choosing from the crop of NL catchers and AL second baseman is no easy task. It's like trying to choose between getting stabbed or set on fire, the eventual choice will not be pretty or painless.
If I was a Cubs fan, I would have hurled myself off a bridge months ago.
-Just got back from lunch and I'm thoroughly convinced that I just witnessed a record of some kind. If there is a category in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most amount laughter in a 20 minute period in a cafeteria without anything actually funny being said or done, they would be the winners. They, being the group of middle-agers in the round table behind me. There conversation was so boring I nearly voluntarily choked on my taco salad. And this had nothing to do with inside jokes, they were just plain boring, yet unto themselves, they were hilarious.
-A couple days ago we had herb rubbed chicken for lunch, and when a co-worker came back from eating and was asked how the chicken was, she replied, "I think Herb needs to spend more time practicing rubbing his chicken because that was aweful."
-My first ever Marquette Basketball game was in February of 2003. The Golden Eagles were taking on the Demon Deacons of Wake Forest University. I was a college student at the time and so was Dwyane Wade and Josh Howard. Fast forward three years later. Those two are millionaires battling in the NBA Finals in front of a national audience and I hit two foul balls in a softball game last night and proceeded to close the park down drinking beer until all the lights were turned off. Someone's to blame for this.
-Actually I should take that back. If I was a Kansas City Royals fan I would have thrown myself under a bus before the season even started.
-I post a picture of a guy wearing a pork skins hat and that doesn't motive one comment? Come on. Haus, that hat was made for you.
-Diorama is just a really funny word to me, and I don't know why.
-Everybody Loves Raymond line of the week: "Your feet smell like a skunk that just crawled out of another skunk's ass." A co-worker of mine actually admitted to enjoying the smell of skunk. She says it's just not summer until she gets a good whiff of skunk. I usually like to think of the beginning of summer as that period of time where my nipples finally retract, but hey, skunk is good too.
-I'm beginning to think that Bobby Boucher's mother was right.
-I would like a big old honkin, fold it cause its so big, slice of New York pizza before I die.
-In my youth I tried to mix ketchup and applesauce together to see if those flavors were compatible. Trust me when I tell you, that they are NOT! But hey, anything to impress the babysitter right?
-The award for most underrated invention ever goes to...............(drumroll)...................flavored yogurt in a plastic tube. It's either that or two-ply.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Draft #114
Hucklebuck Records Presents: Dusty Barrington's Greatest Hits Collection
Hi. I'm a D-list celebrity who used to be a B-list celebrity and I'm here today to take you on a ride through the music collection of one of the most underrated country music stars of this or any generation, and of course, I'm referring to legendary singer/songwriter Dusty Barrington.
Dusty first burst onto the scene back in 1986 with his hit single, Liquored Up and Throwing Down. Finally, thanks to Dusty and his Dirt Road Bandits, drunks and scoundrels alike had a song they could call their own. Every shit hole and biker sty in the south would come alive as soon as this song came blaring out the jukebox. Lets take a listen:
I'm in bar
I'm itching for a fight
I'll bare knuckle box your face in
Until you lose your sight
I'll be drunk as hell
I'll be here all night
And if I were you
I'd get my ass outta town
Cuz in a minute I'll be all liquored up and throwing down
Ahhh, that really takes me back to my first barroom ass whooping. I must have made a pass at a woman who happened to be the date of a large individual named T-Bone, and the rest was history. T-Bone beat me until my organs were depleted of all saturation. The only thing I vaguely remembered once the vicious blows from T-Bone came raining down on me was the sight of my own teeth flying out of my mouth and the rugged sound of this American classic.
But this was just the beginning for Dusty and his band. They followed up their first hit single with this little number titled, She Sure Loves to Rassle. Now while this track never hit number one on the charts, it's popularity kept it in the top 10 for almost three months. If you had a girlfriend in the late 80's and she was as fiesty as a cornered raccoon, then this was probably her anthem:
My baby don't want no walk on the beach
She don't want no candle lit dinner
She's wants something that'll make her screech
Until there's absolutely nothing left in her
She wants it rough, and she likes it rowdy
There's just not enough room in the back of your Audi
And you better not be timid, she ain't lookin for unflappable
Cuz good God man, she sure loves to rassle
Now while my B-list celebrity status back in the 80's couldn't even get me laid, love was definitely in the air during those times. Dusty decided to chime in on this hotbed of love by showing a bit of a softer side with this hit single, I've Got a Six Pack and Two Minutes to Kill.
Baby you sure look pirdy there
With your bra strap showing, man it's just not fair
The way the suns glistening off your sweaty brow
I sure could think of something we could do right now
I've got a fire down below
And if you want I'll put on a show
So just lay back down and get ready for a thrill
Cuz I've got a six pack, and two minutes to kill
That song sure brings back memories, mostly of my first ex-wife though. She said that level of courtship would be considered romantic compared to the half-hearted effort I put into luring her into the bedroom. Apparently screaming out to your mate across the room, "Bitch, my nubbins need a rubbin!" ain't a great way to say I love you. Well Courtney, neither is shagging the mailman while I'm outta town auditioning for a movie role, you dirty whore!
Anywho....Mr. Barrington and company were getting older heading into the early 90's and members of the band were either starting to have kids or had children that were getting older. Their next big hit was about Dusty's son Bruce who had started to show signs of being just like his pappy. Personally, I never even got to see my daddy, he was the harmless victim of Niagra Falls barrel drop bet. And to make a long story short, daddy lost. But y'all don't care about my pappy, so here's Mr. B's 4th largest grossing single, My Boy:
Yo boy might be in the Eagle Scouts
Learning about knots and nature's hiking routes
And he might be able to read, write, and do arithmetic
But I bet he'll grow up, to be a fuckin prick
Thankfully my boy likes to eat worms and burn up ants
And every now and again, he'll accidentally piss in his pants
My boy likes rolling around in dirt and picking his nose
And telling his daddy, where the fudge and lemonade goes
Unfortunately for yours truely, I've never had the opportunity to procreate, but the song is heart warming none the less. Bruce is currently serving the remainder of his juvy hall sentence which he incurred two years ago after attempting to choke his geometry teacher once he discovered that he would not be completing the course with a passing grade. Hang in there Bruce, you're almost done.
And speaking of almost done, the newest and final song on the Dusty Barrington's Greatest Hits album has been causing quite a buzz. For the past six weeks, the song titled I Hate Yer Guts, has been flying up the charts and is well on its way to being number one. Inspired by Dusty's wife who left him after 17 years of marriage when she took off with a carnival worker named Skonk, this song is rapidly becoming one of my favorites. To my ex-wives #1, 2, and soon to be 3, this song is for you:
When I hear your name, I wonna beat the nearest Mexican
I hope you and your new man get swallowed whole, by an over-sized pelican
I can't stand you at all, the thought of you makes me vomit
I won't be missing your cookin', bitch can't even heat up a Hot Pocket
Oh I hate yer guts, everything about you is second rate
You ordered chicken tenders from Burger King, on our 1st date
Then you only ate two, and had the nerve to throw the rest away
And I've been hating yer guts, ever since that day
Yeah I hate yer guts, and that's all there is to say
See you in hell Dornettta!
Well that's all for our trip through the land of Dusty Barrington's Greatest Hits, I hope you enjoyed the ride. Remember, you can't find this collection of music in stores, so don't try to because you ain't gonna find it. This exclusive album is only available through Hucklebuck Records, Time Life music, participating Speedway gas stations, and is free when you make a donation of $10.99 or more to your nearest Threshold. Operators are standing by, so call now.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Jimmy Buffett Concert
Melissa and Andy
Some Guy
Stray Guns
Andy Sandwich on a Filly Roll
John and Jenny
Chris and Nicole
Little Brother
Nate, John, and Ben
Monday, June 12, 2006
Draft #113
Dazed and Confused
This weekend I had the privilege of enjoying my first ever Jimmy Buffett concert experience. Thanks to the efforts of the lovely Jenny Nygaard, her husband John, and Nate Filzen, about 40 of us were able to ride in the luxury of a coach bus over to East Troy, home of the Alpine Valley Music Theatre. I would just like to thank you guys for the work that went into planning this event. I had a blast and I appreciate your efforts.
I thought it was fitting that I found myself watching the movie Dazed and Confused on Sunday afternoon as I was recuperating from the previous day. I wasn't too hung over, just tired from the week as a whole. I was thinking back to Saturday in disbelief, as far as how fast the entire day had gone. Leading up to Saturday I was worried that cracking open a beer at 1:00pm and many more after, might lead to a long day. Anytime I reserve myself about 13 hours in a single day for alcohol consumption, I usually except the worst to happen (and by the worst, I figured I was going to be found passed out in a stranger's van sometime around 6pm with the term return to sender printed on my forehead and a puzzled look on my face). I don't remember much of what I said to anyone that day, conversation wise, but I remember pretty much everything I did.
Going into the weekend, the plan was to just go to Alpine Valley strictly for tailgating purposes because not too many of us had tickets to attend the actual concert. To preface things, I'd never been to a Jimmy Buffett concert, I've never owned of one his CD's, and I've never downloaded one his songs off of the internet whether it was free or not. Now I've heard of the guy, and most of my friends are huge fans of his work, but I never understood the phenomenon behind this guy's popularity. I guess I should say that I understand why the guy is popular, just not why he is "I own 20 of his cd's and I've been to 7 of his concerts" type popular. I've never even understood the concept of concerts. Why do people pay boatloads of money to watch a particular person or band perform live? To me, music was always something that was used to pump myself up before a sporting event, or keep me occupied during a car ride, or something to fill the silence before I went to sleep. I've never been able to identify what particular type of music I like, and I've never had a favorite band or anything like that, so I guess that helps explain why concerts in general confused me. I had the attitude of, why go someplace to just stand and watch an artist play an instrument or sing? It used to sound bizarre to me, but since the introduction of alcohol into my life, I can see why someone would want to go to a concert.
What made the day especially exciting for me was the fact that I'd have the opportunity to spend the day with a girl I'm particularly fond of, to say the least. Without going into much detail (since most of you know me and have been consequently informed about how much I like this person and for how long), I couldn't have been more pumped about this concert. I had the opportunity to spend the previous Saturday with said girl and it was so much fun, you don't even know! So I picked her up at her house and as usual, I was blown away. I don't know if I can accurately describe this feeling I get when I'm around her, but it's like she somehow becomes more beautiful from the previous time I'd seen her. Granted I don't get to see her that often, but it had only been a week in this instance and it was the same feeling, just WOW (I guess my memory doesn't do her proper justice).
We eventually make it to Alpine Valley and you can instantly see what all the buzz is about. Between the clear and sunny weather, the music being played, the beverages consumed, and the smell of the grills, it's hard not to have a smile on your face and a chilling mood to boot. Tailgating at the Buffett concert was a lot different than tailgating at Miller Park in that there is way more wondering around going on at the Buffet concert. Usually after a Miller Park tailgate I can remember what was talked about that day since you're surrounded by the same people who are all sitting in the relatively same area. But at the Buffett concert, everything was just a blur. I don't think I got too far from where the bus was parked and yet I don't remember sitting down much either, so I don't know what I was doing. As luck would have it, through a California couple on our bus who had flagged down a person looking to sell tickets, the date and I were now going to be attending the actual concert. She haggled the price down $10 from the original asking price, and the two of us were able to get in for under a hundo (she has excellent negotiating skills, after all, this is the same girl who once convinced the good people at Jimmy John's who normally sell day-old loaves of bread for 30 cents, to sell her one for 10 cents, she's a real shark I tell ya).
We ended up getting seperated from the others that were attending the concert thanks in part to a ticket stub discrepancy. Once we were finally let through the front gate, that girl took me by the hand and manuevered us all the way to the front of section 202 (the main middle section which is just a big grass hill). She was weaving through the crowd like a bat out of hell and I was pretty much the wake of destruction, bumping, kicking, and spilling everything in it's path. So we get to the front of section 202 and there's a railing and a pathway seperating us from section 102. I had no idea what this girl's final destination was as far as seating goes, but she managed to spot the California couple in the back end of section 102, and before I could blink, there she was in section 102 next to the couple waving me over while I was still leaning on the rail of section 202 wondering how the hell she got through without getting busted.
This was pretty much where the end of the night started for yours truely. I can't remember if the bars of the railing were seperated enough for me to fit through, but I decided to try and hop the whole damn thing. The only thing I calibrated was that the railing was short enough for me to hop (a manuever in which I grab the top bar of the railing, bend my knees, jump, and swing my legs and body up over the railing in one motion). I managed to get up over the railing, but upon my landing on the other side I noticed I should have calibrated how far the drop down was from the railing to the pathway. In any event I was planning on landing sooner than expected and the next thing I know, I'm on my stomach peeling myself off of the pathway, in a "I meant to do that" type fashion. I made my way over to where the date and California couple were sitting, but apparently my version of section skipping was so blatantly obvious, that an usher came over to investigate the matter. After trying to convince two to three ushers that we were indeed cool and worthy of not being kicked out of section 102, we were sent back to the rest of the humanoids in the grassy confines of section 202.
Once we found an open area on the grass, I began to notice that I may or may not have contracted a bit of the pneumonic plague. Things were fine for a few minutes, there was music, dancing, laughter, and then POOF, the date decided to maintain a healthy 15 foot distance from me at all times. I would try to work my way back over to her, and she would slide another 15 feet away. It got so ridiculous at one point, that some random lady came over and told me to go dance behind my date. She must have felt sorry for me standing all by myself looking pathetic. The random lady did everything but walk me over to her and force us to hold hands, it was really embarrassing. Before I could shimmy and/or shake, she was off again, so I watched the rest of the show standing by myself. Now I don't want to make her out to be some bad guy in this story because we both had a lot to drink and she never flat out ditched me. She was always within sight, but it seemed like there was just always something more interesting than me about 15 feet to the right. It didn't seem like she was trying to get to anyone in particular, it was all very random.
Once the awkwardness of standing alone and not knowing the words to most of the songs subsided, I started to observe my surroundings and tried to soak in some of the experience. And after awhile I started to form an hypothesis as to why people come to concerts. The only thing I can compare a concert to, from my point of view, is attending a baseball game. From the outside, baseball can appear to be a very simple game, not a lot of action, nothing about it seems too exciting. If you've never played the game, you can't really appreciate how difficult fielding a grounder or hitting a fastball can be. And as I watched one of the guitarists do a mini-solo jam to the applause of the entire house, it kind of hit me. I know I couldn't do that, and I know a lot of other people who can't do something like that, so maybe it's just a matter of me appreciating talent.Music also carries with it a lot of memories for some people. Some of the memories are good and some of the memories can be bad. There's a lot of facets to a ballgame that can trigger positive memories for a fan. The crack of the bat, the smell of the grass, and the sting of the sun, are all areas of the game that can take you back to a place and time where life was simple for you. It didn't matter if you went 0-4 or 4-4, just as long as you got some ice cream after the game. Baseball was just baseball. The ballpark can act as an escape from the hustle and bustle of the everyday grind. And in some ways, maybe that's why people keep coming back to see this old man named Jimmy. Like baseball, he embodies a slow, laid back, easy going atmosphere that can send you to a place where you want to be. And after one concert, he still doesn't do that for me, but I now have a better understanding, and with a little help and pratice, maybe some day he will.
At the end of the night, Haus wound up puking out the side of the bus before the thing ever left the lot and now he and bus driver Glenn are sworn enemies for life. Nate was given the microphone for most of the ride home and I guarantee nobody keeps a half-sleeping crowd more riveted than he. I enjoyed his musical renditions even if Ben has a differing opinion. And as for me, things didn't go exactly as planned, but I got to spend at least part of my day with an angel, even if I do have to apply the "a bad day fishing is better than a good day at the office" theory to help justify things.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Draft #112
Things you could say to a lady who's dog is shitting on your lawn as you are returning home from a morning jog:
-Ah geeeez, right on the front lawn. You've got to be kidding me.
-So....you shit here often?
-What the hell is going on here?!?!
-Get that mut off my fucking lawn!
-This is just great, of all the lawns in this entire city
-Real cute lady, did you teach him this little trick? I bet you did.
-You better kiss Fido's ass goodbye lady cuz this is the last lawn he's soiling for a long time.
-What the hell are you feeding this thing? That ain't right.
-That's a nice shit bag you got there. What is that, a Pick N' Save?
-Excuse me miss, but your dog is shitting on my lawn.
-Let me get this straight, you pick up the shit, put it in a bag, and then carry it around the neighborhood? Yeah, that's disgusting.
-Well it looks like my order of shit has finally arrived. You people at Fed Ex really deliver.
-If I ever, ever, catch you and your dog desecrating my front yard again, you and I are going to have problems, big problems! And I'm not talking about "I locked my keys in my car" type problems, I mean "foot up both your asses" type problems.
-Oh this is lovely.
-So...what-a-ya say, how bout after Rover's done steaming up the lawn here, you and I go catch some breakfast?
-That's some damn good form, I see he's been practicing.
-Is this all for me? You shouldn't have, I didn't even get you anything.
-You know. I thought the treats I handed out last Halloween were quite satisfactory. Don't you think it's a little late to be displaying your displeasure for Sweet Tarts?
-Ooooo, my favorite, free fertilizer. You're not gonna bag that are you?
-Well, I guess it could be worse, you could be out walking your elephant today.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Draft #111
I like........
-my cotton like I like my women.....white and on the pill.
-my underwear like I like my women......tight and used by only one man
-my cereal like I like my women......cheap and with a prize in the box
-my TV like I like my women......flat screened and in HD (horny damn it)
-my TV like I like my women......with huge knobs and more than one channel
-my computers like I like my women......with plenty of RAM and no viruses
-my peanut butter like I like my women.....chunky and on my nuts
-my playing cards like I like my women.......stacked and used for playing poker
-my clocks like I like my women......with sturdy hands and always on time
-my steak like I like my women.....pink and juicy on the inside and smoking hot
-my dehumidifiers like I like my women......loud and taking in moisture
-my oil like I like my women......pumped by a stranger and not on a rag
-my football plays like I like my women........down-and-in, up the middle, and going deep
-my forests like I like my women......stripped and giving me wood
I apologize for how wrong this is.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Draft #110
A Finish the Sentence Survey
-My ex...used to let me touch her boobs. And for that I am eternally grateful. (Obviously, that's not my lasting memory of her, just said that for giggles, I think the world of her.)
-Maybe I should...reevaluate my situation when I become incredibly excited about the fact that I just went grocery shopping. I made a few bold moves. Kix replaced Rice Krispies in the rotation, Multi-Grain Cheerios replaced regular Cheerios and Strawberry Frosted Mini-Wheats replaced regular Frosted Mini-Wheats. It feels good to go a little crazy.
-I love...not sweating my gym bag off just before bedtime. This is the first year I've been in a home without air conditioning (well technically we have central air, we're just too cheap/stubborn to use it). So I'm in the market for a high powered fan to keep me noots nice and dry, and free from perspiration. I also love tortilla chips.
-People would say that I'm...easy to please, fun to tease, and as delicious as bologna and cheese. Or they might just say I'm a jackass.
-I don't understand...the concept of gravity, greek mythology, toaster ovens, Britney Spears, anything Australian, people's infatuation with board games and Bruce Springsteen, why I haven't been courted by Amanda Bynes yet, and people who can use the word "Parliment" in a sentence without it referring to a pack of cigarettes.
-When I wake up in the morning...my intial thought is, ah foowie.....that's right I really can't dunk a basketball, or I knew that girl was too hot to be talking to me, or I should have known, Jake the Snake Roberts would never really come to my birthday party. That's if I can remember the dream, after that, its time to mentally scroll through everything that needs to get done that day, list a few reasons why running at 5am is a good idea, and then go take a crap.
-I lost...my Macho Man Randy Savage action figure at the Bradley Center during a WWF wrestling venue as a child. I held it up proudly while the Macho Man was in the ring and I swear to this day that he really did point to me while he was in the middle of one of his, one hand on the crotch while the other is pointing to the sky in a circular motion type episodes. It was a special moment. In case you were wondering, yes, I cried on the way home.
-Life is full of...moments where you stop and ask yourself, "I hope nobody smells that."
-My past is...one long line of satisfied women.
-I get annoyed when...I'm sitting near a group of people who are speaking a foreign language and laughing a lot. For some reason I'm convinced that they are cracking jokes at my expense. And I'm not comfortable with that. Sure, I may be confusing annoyance with paranoia, but I have a right to know what's so damn funny.
-Parties are...not, or have nothing to do with, a group of people who came together for the sole purpose of discussing Tupperware, candles, or makeup. Those are sales presentations and should never ever be confused with the act of throwing a party. If you are confused as to what a party really is, then just remember this, if booze and/or fornication are not present at your particular gathering, then you are not at a party.
-Dogs...is a word that should never follow the phrase "what up". If you use this phrase frequently, please stop. People will think you are either incredibly stupid, or they might assume you are currently under the influence of drugs. And if people have to ask themselves whether you may or may not have sniffed the contents of a bottle of hairspray, just by the way you greet people, then you might have to rethink your definition of cool.
-Cats...never quite figured out why or how they got into the cradle. But then again I've never seen little boy blue either. Life is a mystery.
-Tomorrow...I'm hoping to enjoy all that is great about River Splash, drinking in the middle of public streets, and urinating in public because the lines at the Port-o-John are too long.
-I have low tolerance...for Ben Sheets and his physical conditioning this season. Fine, your pitching shoulder hurts, but apparently your eating shoulder is in mid-season form by the looks of things. Ben, do us all a favor, lay off the donuts, and try running a mile or two when you get the chance. We just got swept by the M-F-inn Pirates in a four game series. If I had a cloak, I'd tear it RIGHT now!! Oh, and I can't stand people who just bitch and moan all day. They're a real drag on society as a whole.
-If I had a million dollars...I'd stash it, invest it, and sit on top of it and cackle all day. I'd quit writing in this blog and blow all your houses down. Then I might buy a computer.
-I'm totally terrified...that one day I'll blink and country music won't be cool anymore.
