Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Draft #192
Snakes and Robots
When I was a lad, about the age of three
There was only two things that would terrify me
Both had beady eyes and an ice cold demeanor
And given the chance, I was convinced they'd both rip off my wiener
Snakes are the devil, they're a venomous breed
I hate them, I hate them, I hate them indeed
They sliver through the grass and slide where they please
They'll bite off your face with the greatest of ease
You can hear the hissing and the rattling, but don't you dare get too close
They'll choke your ass dead without any remorse
Whether it's a cobra, a viper, or a boa constrictor
May they all burn in hell next to that Nazi Mr. Hitler
Now robots.....Oh they're not much better
They're boring and stupid and rust in bad weather
They have no sense of humor, they're an absolute bummer
Rosie from the Jetsons, gives quite a mechanical hummer
Kevin, Screech's robot, I'm pretty sure was gay
K.I.T.T., Michael's car, had to of swung the same way
Number Five's not alive, he's just a pile of scraps
Robo Cop's circuits short out, whenever he craps
Never trust a robot and never befriend a snake
Destruction and death is all that remains in their wake
And if you should ever encounter, a robotic snake from the future
Good luck my friend, cuz you're about to get beaten worse than Paris Hilton's cootcher
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Draft #191.5
100 Things I Remember About The 2006-2007 NBA Season
(in no particular order)
100. Charlie Villanueva moving around the court like someone had just spent a half hour prior to the game beating him in the legs with a crowbar.
99. Andrew Bogut looking like he just rolled out of bed a half an hour before each game.
98. Eddy Curry playing an entire season without ridding himself of his love handles. How is that possible?
97. Zach Randolph being spotted at a strip club the same night and same time the Trail Blazers had a home game in Portland. It's OK though, he was on a bereavement leave.
96. Dwight Howard's metamorphosis into the next Shaq.
95. Yao Ming is still freaking ginormous! Reminds me of Will Ferrell's character in the movie Elf playing basketball against the "normal sized" elves. I haven't seen anything that unnatural since Ben Filzen's potato sized turd in the West boy's locker room.
94. Desmond Mason's jump shot somehow becoming even more fundamentally awkward.
93. January 5th, 2007. LeBron James finishes the game against the Bucks with 8 points and zero dunks. I'm not even sure his glandular system even thought about sweating.
92. Elton Brand looking stupid in a head band, some players just weren't meant for that look and he's one of them.
91. The last second shot that Gilbert Arenas hit in Washington (D.C.) against the Bucks to win the game. Did I mention it was nearly from halfcourt?
90.LeBron James three quarters court shot in Boston.
89. Dwight Howard's last second alley-oop dunk to beat the Spurs.
88. David Lee's game winning tip in with 0.1 seconds remaining.
87. Nate Robinson rejecting one of Yao Ming's shots.
86. Shaun Livingston's gruesome knee injury. I thought he pulled a Thiesmann (shattered tibia/fibula) when I originally saw it, but it turns out he just busted his knee cap and tore every ligament that has anything to do with the knee joint. He should be full at strength by the tip-off of the 2011 season.
85. Ray Allen's commercial glorifiying the WNBA. Bad times.
84. Chris Webber wearing the jersey number 84 for the Detroit Pistons, just an absolute eyesore. Player's jersey numbers should never go higher than 55. Anything higher than that is just plain Tom foolery (Although Artest's #91 seems to suit him well, probably because he's nucking futs).
83. Watching Donyell Marshall, Grant Hill, and Jason Kidd (1994 draft classmates) motoring around the court and me asking myself, "Why isn't Glenn Robinson still playing?"
82. Amare Stoudemire's recovery from microfracture knee surgery went pretty well I'd say (20 points/10 rebounds a game). He's definitely joining Dwight Howard in the "guys that will be taken in the 1st round of your fantasy draft" list for the next 8 years.
81. If the Bucks cheerleaders made wardrobe changes for this season, I'm guessing they erred on the side of slutty as opposed to not slutty enough. Good times.
80. Nene Hilario's in-season body transformation. He went from soft and out of shape to ripped in about 4 months. Nene, if you could pass on whatever regiment you are using over to Eddy Curry the entire city of New York would appreciate it.
79. Jared Reiner looks like a roided up version of Terry Stotts.
78. Sam Cassell still looks like a marcian from outer space.
77. Apparently it's impossible to talk about Andrew Bynum without mentioning Kareem Abdul-Jabar in the same breath.
76. The race for the Rookie of the Year award has been about as exciting as buttered toast. They should just not give the award to anybody this year and hand out two next season.
75. Somebody please give Mike Miller a haircut!
(I've always thought Mike Miller looked like someone who was only supposed to be 6'0'' tall but then he developed a tumor on his pituitary gland sometime around the 8th grade and grew to be 6'8'', only his parents had the tumor removed before he could grow to be a ridiculous 7'9'' or something like that. His face just reminds me of those guys in the record books that were giants. That's all I'm saying.)
74. I had no idea Joe Johnson was only 25 years old, just seems like he's been around forever.
73. Same thing applies to Mo Williams being only 24 years old.
72. If you're wondering why you haven't seen or heard anything about Dino Radja it's because he hasn't been in the NBA for 10 years.
71. Jack Sikma and Detlef Schrempf's sons play on the same high school team.
70. Marvin Williams plays with the physical aggressiveness of Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.
69. Deron Williams has a chance to be the next Jason Kidd. He looks and plays just like him--plus he can shoot.
68. Travis Diener still barely plays at all.
67. J.J. Redick, at this point, is probably more suited to be a model for a Shopko catalog than an NBA player--can't you just imagine him posing in a pair of Wranglers with his thumbs in his belt loops with a shit eating grin on his face? I know I can (I warned you Orlando but you didn't listen, enjoy your white Shawn Respert).
66. If HDTV has taught us anything, it's that Zaza Pachulia is suffering from terrible (b)acne.
65. The Lakers dimmed the lights in the crowd at the Staples Center this year ala the Knicks at Madison Square Garden. It's a good look.
64. If you ever find yourself judging a dunk contest and one of the contestants is able to slap a sticker on the top of the backboard while simultaneously dunking a basketball (without the use of a trampoline) then the contest should be stopped immediately and that person should be awarded the trophy on the spot, end of story.
63. I know I'm going against the grain on this one, but I like the Wizards black and gold-Purdue like alternative road jerseys. If I had it my way they'd still be called the Washington Bullets and the world would still make sense (kind of fitting if you think about the location of our nation's most recent tragedy involving a school related shooting).
62. The NBA has still not acted on my petition to change the franchise name of the Charlotte Bobcats back to the Hornets. The New Orleans Hornets should be called the Jazz, and the Utah Jazz should be called the Utah Dutch Ovens (the official cooking pot of Utah) or the Utah Salt Sacks.
61. I'll remember this season as the season that Eddy Curry and Tyson Chandler finally starting getting their shit together. I just wish they were still on the same team as this was happening. You match these two guys up with Hinrich, Gordon, Nocioni, and Deng and that team is going to win a lot of games. Feel the burn Chicago, feel the burn.
60. If your home team is sporting a starting lineup of Dan Gadzuric, Ruben Patterson, Charlie Bell, Mo Williams, and Earl Boykins (as they did this past Monday against the Hawks).....then your team is probably well on its way to securing a comfortable seat in the upcoming NBA draft lottery, and you have probably cried yourself to sleep a few times this season.
59. The return of coach Don Nelson. If nothing else, he provided us with that look of (what the hell did I just eat?) on his face that makes him look like he is constantly suffering from bad gas.
58. Did the Celtics dedicate this season to Red Auerbach? I sure hope not.
57. Shawn Kemp and Scottie Pippen attempted comebacks, suprisingly there were no takers.
56. This is the point at which I became bored with this entry. If you made it this far without jumping ship before point number 96, then I appreciate your time.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Draft #191
A Day in the Life of Teddy Shiftmeyer as Told by Theodore F. Shiftmeyer:
Today I awoke from my sweet slumber to the sound of my favorite song, Wichita Lineman, which was blaring on my clock radio. Per usual I had my alarm set to the all-Glen Campbell radio station (FM102.7--All Glen, all the time!). Some say that this radio station is so popular and mesmerizing that it causes its listeners to involuntarily masturbate. And while I can't personally validate this theory as being true, a local line-dancing hall called the Swapbucket was recently shutdown for reasons undisclosed.
Once I finally got out of bed I headed to the corner of my bedroom as I usually do, to shiver uncontrollably for about 10-15 minutes due to the side effects of my recent efforts to wean myself from my 5 year addiction to Krispy Kremes. You don't know the meaning of the word "scared" until you've found yourself in the fetal position sweating like a hyena with visions of triple chocolate custard whammies taunting you to tears.
So once I was able to pull myself together with the help of a few emergency pixie stix, I headed to the bathroom to begin my daily cleansing ritual. Due to my inability to differentiate hot from cold I unintentionally scalded my genitals in the shower with water so hot it could have cooked a wild goose. Turning to the book my uncle gave me for my birthday, Home Remedies That Sort of Work Sometimes, I decided to douse my genitals with a mixture of flour and condensed cornmeal that the author thought might help curb the burning sensation I may or may not have been suffering from.
On my way to the hospital on my bike with a bag of ice in crotch I decided that maybe the hospital wasn't the best place to have a severe genital burn examined, so I made a stop at Kennedy Memorial Middle School to visit my friend Doug who is the head of the janitorial staff and a self proclaimed quasi-expert on severe genital burns.
The first thing Doug asked me after I showed him my mutilated genitals was, "How long have you had three testicles?"
I told him the third spherical protrusion that he was mistaking for a testicle was probably just a puss-filled boil. But Doug, who takes his title of quasi-expert of severe genital burns seriously, replied angerly, "I have seen a lot of puss-filled boils in my day, and THIS my friend, is no puss-filled boil."
Teddy, "Well if it ain't a puss-filled boil, and it ain't a third testicle, then what is it?"
Doug, "Having just felt it for about 2 minutes now, I'd swear on my father's collection of used Bazooka Joe wrappers that this thing is a testicle. Puss-filled boils are way more sensitive to touch and usually burst on contact."
Ted, "Yeah, that's what she said."
Doug, "I don't get it."
Ted, "I gotta go Doug, thanks for your help."
Worried about how popular my third testicle might make me, I spent the remainder of the day organizing my wig collection.
The Best of Spinal Tap
*Not a Hucklebuck Original*
Hello; my name is Marty DiBergi. I'm a filmmaker. I make a lot of commercials. That little dog that chases the covered wagon underneath the sink? That was mine. In 1966, I went down to Greenwich Village, New York City to a rock club called Electric Banana. Don't look for it; it's not there anymore. But that night, I heard a band that for me redefined the word "rock and roll". I remember being knocked out by their... their exuberance, their raw power - and their punctuality. That band was Britain's now-legendary Spinal Tap. Seventeen years and fifteen albums later, Spinal Tap is still going strong. And they've earned a distinguished place in rock history as one of England's loudest bands. So in the late fall of 1982, when I heard that Tap was releasing a new album called "Smell the Glove", and was planning their first tour of the United States in almost six years to promote that album, well needless to say I jumped at the chance to make the documentary - the, if you will, "rockumentary" - that you're about to see. I wanted to capture the... the sights, the sounds... the smells of a hard-working rock band, on the road. And I got that; I got more... a lot more. But hey, enough of my yakkin'; whaddaya say? Let's boogie!
Sex Farm
Working on a sex farm
Trying to raise some hard love
Getting out my pitch fork
Poking your hay
Scratching in your henhouse
Sniffing at your feedbag
Slipping out your back door
Leaving my spray
Sex farm woman, I'm gonna mow you down
Sex farm woman, I'll rake and hoe you down
Sex farm woman, don't you see my silo rising high?
Working on a sex farm
Hosing down your barn door
Bothering your livestock
They know what I need
Working up a hot sweat
Crouching in your pea patch
Plowing through your beanfield
Planting my seed
Sex farm woman, I'll be your hired hand
Sex farm woman, I'll let my offer stand
Sex farm woman, don't you hear my tractor rumbling by?
Working on a sex farm
Trying to raise some hard love
Getting out my pitch fork
Poking your hay
More Spinal Tap
Big Bottom
The bigger the cushion,
the sweeter the pushin
That's what I said
The looser the waistband,
the deeper the quicksand
Or so I have read
My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo
I'd like to sink her with my pink torpedo
Big bottom,
big bottom
Talk about bum cakes, my girl's got em
Big bottom drive me out of my mind
How could I ever leave this behind?
I met her on Monday,
twas my lucky bun day
You know what I mean
I love her each weekday,
each velvety cheek day
You know what I mean
My love gun's loaded
and she's in my sights
Big game is waiting there
inside her tights, yeah
Big bottom,
big bottom
Talk about mud flaps,
my girl's got em
Big bottom drive me out of my mind
How could I ever leave this behind?
Monday, April 09, 2007
Draft #190
The Many Moods of Facebook
-Larry isn't quite sure whether or not his last sexual encounter was with a man or a woman. But either way, he had a good time.
-Melanie is sad because her boyfriend was thrown in jail again, for the 3rd time.
-Bob hopes Melanie remembers what to do with his leftover stash of crank.
-Tim doesn't remember how he got home last night from the bar but he does remember playing horseshoes with a walrus.
-Pat is still not convinced most Cubs fans know their ass from a hole in the ground.
-Joey is upset because he joined the group "We Want More Bush" but had no idea it was a political facebook group.
-Karl is bummed out because he just recently discovered that going balls deep isn't all it's cracked up to be.
-Jim is pissed off at KFC because they forgot to include the popcorn chicken with his Big Box Meal order.
-Barry is wondering whether he should do the laundry or wear that pair of boxers with the brown streak just one more time.
-Troy is still not sure how his girlfriend convinced him to go to the museum last Friday but he is pretty sure that he is one more date like that away from being single.
-Aaron is so pleased with the 4-alarm chicken sandwich he just purchased from Wendy's that he's decided against sticking his head in the oven this afternoon.
-Christopher is not gay but he's a bit confused as to why his britches tingle every time Mario Lopez is on the TV.
-Dan is tired of having that dream of Rosie O'Donnell and then waking up with wet shorts, history class is bad enough as is.
-Andy is hoping Vladmir Guerrero hits a home run over the 300 club this week at Miller Park because that would be awesome, almost as awesome as Fig Newtons on ice cream.
-Greg is confused because if Beavis and Butthead really did do America then where is America's insertion point?
-Kurt is tired of asking girl's permission for entry, he's just going for it from now on.
-Roger is sick of hearing that the best things in life are free especially since he's a pimp and has kids to feed.
-Gary is learning one of life's most important lessons....ignoring golfball-sized dingleberries can have painful ramifications.
-Kevin isn't happy about his girlfriend's cooter smelling like a pile of oily rags.
-Lenny is absolutely sick and tired of his most recent batch of crotch lice that just won't go away.
-Wayne is currently thinking about peeing his pants but will probably just lean off the side of the couch and piss in the plant holder again.
-Renaldo just finished watching Mall Rats and is currently contemplating sticking his finger up his butt to see if the theory is true.
-Roy thinks we should stop blaming AIDS on monkeys and start blaming it on the real source....people who have sex behind dumpsters.
-Corey is certain that Guy Smiley from Sesame Street probably got his ass kicked a lot.
-Ryan is simply asking everyone not to steal his jar of urine if and when he ever becomes homeless.
-Ryan is not sure why homeless people save their own urine in jars but he figures there's a logical explanation for it.
-Mike wants everybody to know that he'd still eat an order of fries from a fastfood restaurant even if he found a pube resting on top of it. Mike thinks that if he was homeless this wouldn't even be an issue.
-Harry is thinking he likes his women like he likes his rice.....wild and dirty.
-Adam has recently cancelled his subscription to Young and Buff magazine.
-Jake is wondering if anybody else is up for some BBQ chicken pizza and a roll in the hay.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Draft #189
Freestyle Fridays (The place to be when you feel like you're the only one working on Good Friday)
-I attended my second Brewers game of the season on Wednesday night and enjoyed the contest from the friendly confines of the left field bleachers. And I have to say, I like what I'm seeing thus far from the fans seated in the bleacher seats. Left fielder, Luis Gonzalez had been habitually harassed and tormented by the rowdy Brewers faithful for the entire game. And I don't care what line of work you are in, if you have a large group of people just over your shoulder screaming out, "You Suck" throughout the entire course of your workday, it will eventually take its toll on you. Could you imagine a garbageman being followed on his route every morning by a pack of college-aged punks in a pickup truck equipped with high powered bullhorns? "Hey garbageman, I heard you couldn't hack it in the recycling biz. What? Couldn't seperate the papers from the plastics? You stink garbageman!! I see you eyeing up that old garden hose Mr. garbageman. You should use it to hang yourself. Better yet, just jump in the back of the truck and end it!! Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump...You suck!! We're gonna be here all day....we're following your ass back to the dump bee-otch. You got nothing left old man, this next stop is a four bagger, you're toast!!"
Ok, you get my point, verbal harassment is a powerful tool and the fans in the left field bleachers have set a nice tone for the 07' season, so let's just hope this continues the rest of the way. Two people that happened to be sitting in the bleachers (one wearing a Cubs hat, the other a Dodgers hat) were mercilessly berated from a section away by a group of Brewers fans that may or may not have been drinking for most of that afternoon, and I'm not betting on the latter scenario. I'm not even sure what the Brewers fans were saying to the two guys but they were saying it for the duration of one or two innings and it was enough to get the guy in the Dodgers hat to give the finger to our section and a few fist pounds to his chest as if to say, "You want some of this?" Eventually the guy in the Cubs hat got out of his seat and started heading toward our section to find the ringleader (presumably to grind his jaw into powder by way of the fist-to-face method). After about 5 seconds of sitting in a seat that was closer to our section, a group of people stood up and starting pointing at Cubs hat guy while chanting, "Check his ticket, check his ticket." Finally the ushers adhered to the call and dragged both the Cubs and Dodgers fans out of the entire bleachers section altogether while our section chanted, "Usher, usher, usher." The usher waved his cap in appreciation, and an awkward situation was had by all.
But for my money, the best part of the evening was the four guys sitting in front of me. Sammy (looked a bit like Taylor Heaps) was the head of the group from what I could gather. I'm assuming these were all "tail end of college" aged fellows, probably 22-24 years old. Sammy looked like the college student that never opened a textbook, hit up every weeknight bar special, got by with B's somehow and will eventually charm his way into employment one day (the word sucker could also be used in place of charm in that last sentence). He just had me laughing the whole game, he was wearing a homemade Bill Hall jersey for crying out loud. Anytime Hall came to the plate Sammy would standup in jubilation while using his thumbs to point to the back of his T-shirt where the name "Hall" and the number two were proudly stenciled in blue on his wrinkled white cotton Hanes.
The second member of the group went by the name Fresno. From what I could gather, Fresno loathes the very existance of Kevin Mench. The hatred may come from the fact that Fresno was a rabid Carlos Lee fan and still feels quite jaded from the trade and Mench is a painful reminder, or Fresno just hates individuals with excessively large craniums, one of the two. Fresno is the one guy in the group that doesn't drink until his nose bleeds and if he had it his way he probably wouldn't drink at all on a weekday but given enough peer pressure he will indulge in a beer or two to the delight of the crew as a whole. During the game Mench had taken a pitch for a ball and Fresno responded facetiously by saying, "Wow, what an eye." Sammy fired back without hesitating, "He's got an eye like DiMaggio!" (that exchange killed me for some reason) At one point in the evening the group was debating over what was Fresno's all time greatest moment. They had it narrowed down between the time he grabbed a drink from that one guy and drank it infront of him or the time he passed out in the parking lot. I had no idea what the hell they were talking about but both moments sounded pretty pathetic out of context. What's even more pathetic is that my two greatest moments might not be too far off from that level of achievement. Bad times.
The third member of the group goes by the name of Iceman. He is the roundest member of the group and he spilled one of his beers during the game, nearly dousing Fresno in the process. Sammy spent most of the night trash talking Iceman in regards to this "Death Match" the two were going to have after the game. Apparently the two had some unfinished beer ponging to attend to and Sammy couldn't have been more excited/optimistic about the remaining amount of High Life back at the apartment that would be used to settle said Death Match. The only other thing I remember Iceman bringing to the table was the story of how he nailed one of his mom's friends recently. And if you've ever actually seen the Iceman in person you can understand why I tuned out at that moment.
The forth guy I never caught the name of and I'm pretty sure he's just an assistant to Sammy in some form or another. You can tell he has a strong sense of loyalty which presents itself in the form of his sideburns, they just look like they've been there for awhile. He finds something and sticks with it, socially acceptable or not. If Sammy were to take a leave of absence, guy number 4 would probably take control of the group. Sammy suggested they go to Chicago to see a Cubs game in June and that they should probably look into getting tickets sometime soon. Guy#4 pointed out that it may be too late to get tickets even though Sammy thought plenty would be available. Lets say for example that the other three guys come to the conclusion on a Friday night that lighting a car on fire might be something fun they could do, guy #4 strikes me as their only voice of reason. He was also the only person to challenge Sammy's stance on Brady Quinn being married to A.J. Hawk's sister, so yeah.
As it turns out; 1) This wasn't very much of a freestyle today. 2) The Brewers ended up losing that game. And 3) The "I heard Jeff Kent sexually harasses cattle" joke that I thought I said loud enough for the guys infront of me to hear, didn't go over so well. How do you sexually harass a cow you ask? Just grab her on it's hind quarters and say, "Hey sweet teats." I don't know, Kent just strikes me as the type of guy who sexually harasses farm animals. I could be wrong though.
-Since spring is offically here and baseball fever is in the air, I couldn't resist having a hot dog this week. And after the first one I told myself I'd try to keep a running log of how many linked sausages I eat this season. So far I'm at 5 hot dogs and 3 brats. Granted two of the brats were Boca soy brats and the 5 hot dogs were turky dogs, but I say it's repulsive either way. Kovo told me soy makes you grow breasts, is that true? My already B-cupped pair hopes not.
Have a Happy Easter everybody!
