Friday, February 23, 2007
Draft #184
Freestyle Fridays (No sudden moves please)
-The season of Lent is upon us and I for one will be making more than just your ordinary red meated sacrifice. This Lent I will give up the following:
*kicking midgets
*menthol cigarettes
*super unleaded gasoline
*Tae Bo
*any of the salads from Wendy's or McDonalds
*donuts with sprinkles
*graphing calculators
*the Game Show Network
*Hot Pockets
*Lean Pockets
*psychedelic mushrooms
*AM radio
*any general sense of elation
*marshmallows
*cruise control
*tooth picks
*raspberry flavored bubble gum
*bubble baths
*all Burt Reynold's movies before 1991
*the use of the words "bunyon" and "gyroscope"
*crosswalks
*aluminum foil
*polyester
*The View
*and anything Carson Daly related
It will no doubt be a trying time for yours truly, but with your help I think I will make it.
-Here is a list of bands that have had the rug on their road to success pulled right out from under them:
*The Backavenue Guys
*97 Degrees
*The Peach Boys
*Totz II Gents
*Oyster Jelly
*Rob Seger and the Golden Bullet Band
*The Rolling Scones
*Rig and Bich
-A couple of Febtoberfest notes:
*Ben Alger won the award for most socially awkward moment (that I can remember) when he stared down that lady singing karaoke at DeMarini's. This scenario reminded me of the Will Ferrell (cowbell) skit where he was slowly banging on his cowbell while staring at a fellow band member who had a problem with Will's exuberant cowbell skills. Ben was standing a foot away from this complete stranger of a (middle aged) woman while she was trying to sing her song, and he must of stood there for at least half the song, if not more, with this "I am probably going to kill you immediately after you are done singing" type look on his face. To this lady's credit, she continued on through her song without even flinching. If there was ever a time I wanted to get into someone's head to hear what they were thinking, this was it. The thoughts racing through her head had to of been absolutely priceless. Kudos to you Ben, you created a memory.
*And in case you were wondering.....yes......Big Naked Nate did make an appearance. Four people were rendered paralized in the process.
-Why is Buffalo Wild Wings referred to as BW3? Shouldn't it be called BW2? Or Buffalo Wild Wild Wings? If anyone can steer me towards the light on this issue that would be greatly appreciated.
-Yesterday I was at my parent's house and during dinner my dad lifted up his pant leg to show me the hideous marks he had on his ankle due to an accident at work. To me, it looked like a German Shepherd had been gnawing on his leg for an entire afternoon but he claimed it was all due to a mild chemical reaction. I can't exactly explain how it happened because when he talks about anything mechanical/car/machine/or plumbing related it mostly sounds like Japanese to me because he's so gifted with fixing things and I'm completely useless. But I do remember hearing the words gasket and pvc piping. He was rotating something and something started leaking and water got into his boot and the water had contained some sort of chemical in it and he didn't even notice he was burned until 2 hours later. That's my dad, tough as nails. And this has been another installment of.....My Dad is Tougher Than Your Dad.
-Since I'm a contractor (a temporary employee) I spend most of my day working with protractors.
-One of the protractors in my department claims that pizza never really became popular until the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies came out in the late 80's/early 90's. Naturally I was stunned and confused trying to even imagine a world where pizza wasn't very popular.
-Two places I come close to having panic attacks:
*when I'm at the register at the grocery store and I have a shitload of groceries and a line behind me.
*when I'm in any buffet line struggling with whatever item I'm trying to pick up with a set of tongs.
In both instances it feels like everyone around me is breathing down my neck and I wish I could just backhand the nearest person across the face and scream out, "I'll be done in a second damn it, just get off my ass already!!" I guess this would be classified as a mental problem.
-Did you ever think about what it would be like to have a tracking device on you and how boring it would be for the person who was doing the tracking. I'd feel sorry for that guy, in my case anyway. I'm not much of a mover or a shaker. If I'm not sitting on a couch, a toilet, a car seat, at my work desk, or in bed, something's gone wrong.
-During the last Phoenix Suns game I watched, announcer Dan Majerle was screaming, "Mom.....the Meatloaf!!!! while the game was breaking to commercial. I don't know why he was screaming that line but all I do know is that he is becoming one of my favorite analysts.
-Before I send you all off for the weekend my friend Tim Hardaway has something he'd like to say:
"Real Wisconsin Cheese is the best. While happy cows may come from California, statistics have shown that 45% of California cows are indeed gay which means that eating Real California Cheese could make you gay as well so make sure to only eat Real Wisconsin Cheese."
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Weekend in Madison
Febtoberfest II
Friday, February 16, 2007
Draft #183
Freestyle Fridays (Serving both red and blue Kool-Aid)
-Domino's has just released a Cheesy Garlic Bread Pizza. I believe the concept for this pizza is as follows: They take a normal medium pizza, dip it into a large drum of the buttery garlic sauce that comes with every Papa John's pizza, sprinkle some extra cheese on top and wallah.....you have the greasiest pizza to ever hit the market. They should have a guarantee that states if you don't get at least 5 extra zits within 5 minutes of eating this product, you get your money back.
-Speaking of greasy pizza, the greasiest pizza I ever ate was in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. My family and I were on vacation and we stopped at a Pizza Hut on the main strip. After successfully choking down a pan pizza, Haus, Pops, and I were amazed at the amount of grease this pie contained. We were almost put off by how saturated it was, and I repeat "almost". With our meal complete we scanned the room over while sipping the last of the soda. Dad noticed that a small family had just exited the restaurant and had left a half a pizza behind. He asked a waitress if it would be possible for her to box up the remains of the stranger's pizza for us because "our dog Sparky" just loves pizza. She of course willing boxed up the leftover pizza and the Ballbach boys finished up the free pizza while strolling down the strip, much to the disgust of mother.
-Speaking of disgusting my mother....back in my little league days my mom was watching one of my games from a picnic bench near the on-deck circle of my team's dugout. While I was at the on-deck circle swinging or stretching or whatever it is players do at the on-deck circle, my mom was explaining to a parent seated next to her that I was her son and blah, blah, blah. Apparently while my mom was pointing out who I was, I let one rip in the middle of a practice swing. It was loud enough for both my mom and whoever she was conversing with to hear (in my defense I get quite gassy when I'm nervous). On the way home after the game my mom said she was never so embarrassed in her life.
-I was in Madison recently and here's some bullet points from that weekend:
~Brother's was selling pitchers of beer for only $2 a piece last Saturday afternoon. Consequently I became quite drunk. Drunk enough that during the hockey game that evening I was willing to run up and down the aisle of our section in order to high five everyone at the end of their row after each goal scored. Yes, I was that guy.
~The morning after we headed to the International House of Pancakes for some breakfast. I.....having recently finished some Ian's pizza from the night before was not hungry for breakfast so I decided to order the bowl of fruit, something to keep me occupied so I wasn't just staring at everybody else while they ate. It turned out that my minuscule bowl of musk melon and cantaloupe cubes with a spattering of grapes cost $6.99. It's as if they almost promote obesity at this place for crying out loud. I could have gotten a nine-egg omelete, 2 pots of coffee, a whole pig, and a medium stack of pancakes for half that price. That was an outrage!! On the way out Adam said, "I bet you can't eat this pancake in one bite." So I folded that flapjack twice without blinking and shoved it in the old cakehole. It took me the walk from our booth to the front entrance to finish it and I looked like Dizzy Gillespie exiting the joint, but I did it.
-If you're reading this blog for the first time I'm not exactly painting a very pretty picture of myself. I swear I'm much more than a flatulence passing alcoholic who bums food off of other people. I swear. At least I hope so. Oh goodness, sad realization settling in, accept or deny.
-How come the orange juice I usually purchase claims to be "Not From Concentrate" yet suggests I shake well for fresh squeezed taste? Sounds fishy.
-It was Febtoberfest Eve and all through the night
Filzen was frantically counting
All the cans of Miller and Bud Light
The keg was strategically placed
In the bathtub with care
In hopes that cousin Jon
Won't pass out right there
He glanced through the guestlist
And all the names warmed his heart
Even a Janke soaked mattress
Couldn't break this party apart
Come one and come all
To the chateau in the Falls
We'll eat and we'll drink
And later on Nate might show us his balls
Febtoberfest number two
Is but a few hours away
The anticipation is building
Just ask BMA
So to you Mr. Filzen
What more can we say
Here's to Febtoberfest
And a Happy Birthday!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Draft #182
So what did you do for Valentine's Day?
Tim (Tippytoe, Nebraska): I slipped on a pile of manure yesterday and the little lady hosed me down. We shared a pot roast and watched the Lawrence Welk show together.
Joey (Rankshire, New York): I got stabbed in the neck by some lunatic. The focker didn't even have the decency to attack me face to face. I showed him though, I ended up following him home after I unwedged the fork from my neck and I killed all his goldfish.
Daren (Pilkington, Colorado): I gave my wife a one pound bag of chocolate covered pretzels and told her I'd be surprised if they lasted through the weekend. I in return, was given a savage beating.
Eric (Jelk, Minnesota): I watched Alando Tucker and the Wisconsin Badgers destroy my beloved Gophers. After the game I went home and finished a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of Roy Orbison with my mom.
Tom (Jelk, Minnesota): I hid in a closet while Eric and his Mom were finishing up that damn puzzle. Thanks to Eric's early return I only got to do his mom one and a half times.
Edward (Jelk, Minnesota): I live in the apartment above Eric and his mom and I listened to his mom and whoever she was with make sweet animal love for almost 2 hours. It sounded like an electric egg beater was somehow involved with their love makings but I'm not sure how that would work. I was watching the Lawrence Welk show and had to turn up the volume on my television set.
Bob (Kittydorst, Pennsylvania): I made love to my wife Patty of almost 32 years. And by "made love" I mean I watched. And when I said "to my wife Patty" I meant scrambled porn. And by "of almost 32 years" I meant 4 hours. I'm not good with diction.
Larry (Charka, Wyoming): I attemped to host my first annual Valentine's Day Butter Lover's Party but no one showed up. Now I'm left with a heap of fresh baked bread, popcorn, biscuits, corn cobs, baked potatoes, pancakes, and muffins with no one to help eat it. It's my fault though, I should have known the margarine convention was in town. I guarantee next year's party will be out of this world.
Chris (Charka, Wyoming): I'm Larry's brother. I was in charge of handing out all 300 flyers for his stupid butter party. I threw all the flyers in the dumpster in the alley next to the strip club where I spent my Valentine's. Today when Larry asked me why I thought nobody showed up to his party, I made up the whole "margarine convention" thing and I'm pretty sure he bought it.
Rick (Wilbet, Connecticut): I spent 3 days making a Valentine's Day card for my girlfriend Susie. When I finally gave it to her yesterday she broke up with me because she said my knuckles were too hairy. I told her I'd shave them but she said that my knuckles really weren't the problem, rather it was my chronic dandruff. I told her I'd have a doctor look at it but she insisted the dandruff wasn't actually the real problem, rather it was my peg leg. I told her that thanks to technological advancements, prosthetics could turn my crotchety limp into a smooth John Travolta type strut. She sighed, looked up to the ceiling and said OK, here's the truth. "I can't be with somebody that thought the Pink Panther movie (starring Steve Martin and Beyonce Knowles) was a legitimately entertaining film. It was a piece of crap movie and I've lost all respect for you. A frenchmen trying to say the word "hamburger" in an American accent is not even remotely funny and you laughed for almost ten minutes straight". My only chance to salvage the relationship was to try and convince her that I was pregnant. She told me that guys with halitosis can't get pregnant and that was that. It was over.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Draft #181
Freestyle Fridays (A TrimSpa free environment)
-If I had to guess what the cause of Anna Nicole's death was, I'd say she was done in by her favorite food..... pizza. The good people at Domino's tried to warn her that diet pill wasn't a topping but she just wouldn't listen.
-I heard they found chunks of diet pill on a used piece of floss that was laying in her garbage.
-After examining Anna Nicole's residence for clues, FBI agents reported that they found large amounts of stupid.
-With the Celtics clearly tanking the rest of the season to increase their 2007 draft position, here is a list of possible ailments that Paul Pierce may eventually come down with in an effort to keep their winless streak alive:
1) Dislocated eyelash
2) 98.9 degree fever
3) An itchy belly button
4) George Kastanza-like unexplainable involuntary movements
5) And if they can't come up with a phantom injury, then anything he eats between now and the end of the season will have a high probability of giving him "food poisoning" or so we would be led to believe.
-If I owned a restaurant I would claim that all of my beef comes from cows that jumped over the moon. Some might say I'm cornering the market, others might say I'm a liar. I just think that flying cows taste better. Is that such a crime?
-Why did John Amaechi lead the league in 5 second violations during his playing career? Because he can't let go of balls.
-What was John Amaechi's favorite practice drill? The three man weave.
-I guess this explains why John was so good at setting backdoor screens.
-Why doesn't John Amaechi like eating at Arby's? Because he can't stand roast beef.
-If you're like me, you can't remember one damn thing about the 2006 Winter Olympics. Why isn't basketball considered a winter sport anyway?
-If John Amaechi was in the movie Alive and had to eat one of the other passengers/teammates to survive do you think he'd start off with a salad or go straight to the main course?
-If John Amaechi was a farmer he'd be baling gay for a living.
-Febtoberfest alert: I claim the top of Nate's fridge! Sleeping real estate at Filzen's will be hard to come by so I'm staking my claim early.
-My friend Bob is so perverted. I told him I blew a hammy the other day and he thought I gave head to a pig.
-Keep your eyes peeled for the breakfast Hot Pockets commercial where the mom drives her kids past a window of their own home (successfully passing it off as a drive-thru because her kids are retarded). Please take notice of how everyone in the van holds their Hot Pocket after the idiot dad gives them their food. Nobody in their right mind would hold a Hot Pocket like that. It was as if John Amaechi choreographed the whole commercial.
-Congratulations Katharine McPhee, you just cracked my top 5 list of the most beautiful girls on the planet. I'll be in Madison this weekend if you'd like to track me down.
-Ok folks, if you could.....please close your eyes for a moment and let me paint you a picture:
You're at the office.
You're having a rough day at work.
10 minutes ago your boss just reamed you out for the ninth time.
You wish somebody would just put that ass hammer in his place.
All of a sudden "I want to break free" by Queen starts playing in the background.
You're initially confused but eventually become filled with an urge to inflict pain.
To your surprise everything appears to be moving in slow motion.
Somebody you don't even know just handed you a pair of boxing gloves.
You're having trouble piecing together why all these things are happening to you.
Just then you notice your boss walking slowly in your direction.
He's got that smug look on his face that makes you want to vomit up a shoe.
And just then it hits you and you realize what you have to do.
And before that Rolls Royce driving mother focker can even open up his crooked mouth,
You reach back and pop him one in the chops so hard he soils his ironed gray slacks.
You're instantly charged with emotions you never even knew existed.
Your co-workers are wildly jumping up & down for the dragon has finally been slain.
You never thought this day would come.
Finally, you've found freedom.
And to celebrate.....
Margaritas!!!
To me, that's what Valentine's Day is all about.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Draft #180
Freestyle Fridays (It's more fun than counting sheep but just barely)
-The first four things that run through a guy's mind just after he's been kicked in the satchel:
1) I can't believe I just got kicked in the satchel
2) What kind of a person would actually kick somebody in the satchel?
3) It feels like my satchel is in my stomach
4) I hope I never get kicked in the satchel again because this bloody hurts
-Something you could say to a girl that might get you kicked in the satchel:
Hey baby you have a very pretty smile....vertically speaking that is.
-Watching part of the Miami Heat game last night I couldn't help but notice that Jimmy Buffett was sitting courtside and he seemed to be having a really good time. If the NBA is good enough for Jimmy, shouldn't the NBA be good enough for you? If the NBA isn't fantastic then why would Jimmy be in attendance? These are questions some of you should be asking yourself.
-For those of you who were bored as all get up last Friday night (Nate) you missed out on another great time in downtown Milwaukee. Here's what you missed:
1) Meeting a former University of Kentucky linebacker who happened to be the brother of a former University of Michigan quarterback. And not just meeting meeting, but he was hanging out with us the whole night.
2) Free admission to Buckhead's.
3) The biggest bar brawl in Buckhead's history....which we were in the middle of thanks to the douchebag that mouthed off to the wrong linebacker. Alright, maybe it wasn't the biggest fight in the history of the establishment but it was by far the biggest one I've ever seen in person. I'm pretty sure Haus stabbed a guy.
-So I'm standing in line at the gang bang and I ask the guy in front of me:
Me: "Hey, what number are you?"
Guy: "My ticket says I'm number 742."
Me: "Hey, I'm 743! How about that?"
After an awkward pause I asked the same guy,
Me: "Do you think she'll be pussing by the time we get up there?"
Guy: "I sure hope not."
Me: "Yeah, me too."
-I literally just overheard a co-worker talking about how she wants to go to a particular bar on Layton Ave. that serves 22 oz. Bloody Marys before she dies. Wow, talk about your lofty aspirations. Some people want to hang glide off a cliff in the Bahamas or travel around Europe before they die, but not this lady, she wants to check out a bar on the other side of town to sample a tomato based alcoholic beverage. Good times.
-My Super Bowl prediction: In a tight game, the outcome will be determined on a halfback option pass by Cedric Benson. His pass will be intercepted though by Bob Sanders who will get creamed by Rex Grossman on his return attempt after running in the open field for about 15 yards. Ruben Brown will pick up Sander's fumble and rumble into the endzone carrying five Colts on his back. Gould misses the extra point forcing an overtime and Peyton Manning hits Aaron Moorehead for a game winning touchdown pass on the very first play. Colts win 26-20.
-On a divorce application under the "Reasons for Filing" section, I wonder how specific some of the options are? I'm pretty sure irreconcilable differences is one of the options but what else do you have to choose from on that list? Can you check off a box next to "Her apple pies lost their zest" or "She hasn't gotten off the couch in 5 weeks?" I'd be pleasantly surprised to find that "Bad Haircut" was on that list of choices. "Honey, I understand your need for a change but if you get your hair cut like that again I will have no other choice but to file for divorce." I'm sure that situation arises often enough to warrent its own box on that checklist.
-But seriously folks, when was the last time you had a jelly filled doughnut? I can't even remember when, and that's a damned shame.
-Studies have shown that drinking beer out of a large glass boot is 25% more fun than drinking beer out of an empty glass peanut jar. The study went on to show that people who regularly drink beer out of either container are 73% more fun to hang out with than someone who pickles their own vegetables. Obviously, this isn't a very brainy study.
-If Febtober Fest continues to expand at the rate it is currently expanding, it will become a National Holiday by 2014. The guest list will include numerous celebrities and I will be serving punch behind a table in a white suit with a name tag that has my name misspelled. Nate will stumble by my wing of the party late at night and ask if we went to high school together. I will tell him I never graduated high school and he will tell me that is probably why I serve punch for a living. I will ignore his comment and will be thankful for having had the chance to meet Dana Carvey.
-Last week I engaged in some good old fashioned bartering with the roommate. I traded him a can of generic white soda and a leftover unit of sweet sour dipping sauce from McDonald's in exchange for a slice of Roundy's American cheese and one farm fresh egg. I was eating some chicken nuggets in the other room and he told me that he was donating an egg to my stash since he had one left in his carton and he was trying to make room in the fridge. I returned his favor by donating an extra sauce container to his collection of food (a noble gesture if I've ever seen one). A couple minutes later he asked if he could have a can of soda from my stash and I said only if I can have a slice of cheese. So was this a fair deal or did somebody get taken for a ride?
-I'm thinking of giving Oil Can Harry a run for his money by starting up my own band and calling it Oil Pan Gary. We are going to rock twice as hard! Just you wait.
-Punxsutawney just looks like a misspelled word even when it's spelled correctly.
-What is Lisa Turtle doing these days? I've seen Zack, Slater, Kelly, Jesse, and Screech in a different TV program, movie, or tabloid since Saved By the Bell. Everyone of them has found a way to make it to the public eye in some form or another, except for Lisa. Can't she find any work? This doesn't seem right to me. If she ended up marrying Mr. Belding or something terrible like that please don't tell me, I'd much rather remain in the dark.
