Thursday, November 30, 2006
Draft #167
Hucklebuck presents: The Traveling Alcoholic
I don't smoke
I don't hit elderly women
I don't trust anyone with a mustache
I don't wear socks two at a time unless it's cold outside
I (apologetically) do not recognize Memorial Day properly
I don't go around exposing my unmentionables to complete strangers
But!........However......I do likes to drink!
Now I may not be the most talented consumer of alcohol around, but I enjoy the art nonetheless.
And today I'd like to share with you a list of the 100 bars I have visited in my 5 years of drinking experience.
First , a few rules:
1) I had to be able to remember the name of the bar, or at least have the ability to figure out what the name of the bar was in the case I had forgotten it. Example: There were a few bars in Kansas City that I don't remember the names of so they didn't make the list. I also didn't remember any of the names of the bars I visited while in Chicago with Filzen, but Nate was kind enough to provide the names of the places we visited in the comment section of that's weekend's blog entry, so they made the list.
2) I had to of consumed an alcoholic beverage in the establishment in order for it to officially make the list. Examples: I've been inside of Rosie's on Water St. and Wolski's on the East side but never had a drink at either place, so they didn't make the list.
3) Each entry on the list is a seperate building. Name change's do not count as a double entry.
4) Any of the establishment's listed does not have to be just a bar. Some are more restaurant than bar. Some are bowling alleys while other's contain live forms of entertainment. As long as the establishment contains a bar, it made the list.
100 bars and counting:
Milwaukee:
Marquette campus: Murphy's, Caffrey's, The Annex, Hegarty's, Angelo's Pizza
East Side: Can's, Axel's, Judge's, BBC's, Paddy's Pub, Shank Hall, Harry's Bar & Grill
Downtown: Buffalo Wild Wings, Fitzgibbon's, Taylor's, Press Room, McGillicuddy's, Brothers, Buckhead Saloon, Brew City, The Corner, Mel's, Have a Nice Day Cafe, Buck Bradley's, Safe House, Mo's Irish Pub, Game Time, Miller Time Pub, The Lodge, Sweeny's, Tangerine, Old German Beer Hall, Applebee's, Rock Bottom Brewery, Water St. Brewery, Victor's, Milwaukee Comedy Club, County Claire, Bar Louie, Benihana, Zim's, Ale House, Lakefront Brewery, Velvet Room, Turner Hall, Lucille's Piano Bar
The rest of Milwaukee and surrounding area:
Slim McGinn's, Kelly's Bleachers, Cassidy's, Long Wong's, Balisteri's, Fitz's, Walker's Pint, Club Paradise, Timer's, Fat Daddy's, The Chancery, Leff's Luckytown, Colonel Hart's, Club Tap, The Mob Scene, Airport Lounge
Madison: State St. Brats, The Nitty Gritty, The Great Dayne, State Bar & Grill, Coach's, Pooley's
West Bend: Games, Brazen Head, Three Old Guys, Riverside Brewery, The Bagg End, Heileman's Tavern, Silver Lake Inn, Binkery, Emily's, Weilands, Charcoal Grill
Falls/Germantown/Mequon: Giggle's Comedy Club, Sports Corner, Trysting Place, Barley Pop, Bub's, Rich's Steakhouse, Damon's Sports Bar
Slinger: MJ Steven's, Patty O's, Slinger House
Jackson/Cedarburg: Morton's, Jail House
Newburg: McCarthy's
Hartford: The Mineshaft
Kewaskum: PJ Magoo's
Green Bay: Andruzzi's
Chicago: Champ's, Kincade's, Joe's, John Barleycorn, Gamekeepers, ESPN Sportszone
Kansas City: Chappelle's
Pittsburgh: High Tops
Detroit: Hockeytown Cafe
Windsor: Studio 4
Projected visit's by 2009 if still in business:
-The Harp
-Rosie's
-Wolski's
-Muggles
-Benders
-The High Hat
-Monday's
-Pizza Man
-Flannery's
-Major Goolsby's
-Bayou
Monday, November 27, 2006
Draft #166
Weekend ReviewWednesday night- Our family got together on this evening to celebrate Thanksgiving. I did my part by having two of everything. The list of grub included turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn, green beans, mac n' cheese, sweet potato pie, cranberry jello, wine, pie, and rolls. And every last bit of it was delicious.
The Bucks manhandled an Allen Iverson and Chris Webber-less Sixers squad by a whole 4 points. The 98-94 victory gave the Bucks their 4th win of the season and it looks as though the Bucks will be receiving a lottery pick in next year's draft if they continue this style of play......you know, the kind where you play absolutely no defense. If you can't stop Shavlik Randolph who can you stop? I bet you could pry Oliver Miller into a pair of basketball shorts and he'd put up a double-double against the vaunted Bucks D. David Noel got to play for the first time with extended minutes and he looked great posting 11 points, 7 assists, 2 rebounds, 1 steal, 2 blocks, and 0 turnovers.
Thursday- I've stated in the past that Aaron Rodgers looks nothing like an NFL quarterback, and for an example of who might be the complete polar opposite of Rodgers, look no further than Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Now I'm not saying Romo is the greatest thing to hit the NFL since the inception of the forward pass, but the guy just "looks" the part.
Quick comparison:
Poise
Rodgers- Usually looks like a deer in headlights
Romo- He's calm, he's collective, he's the Marlboro man with a splash of Dirty Harry
Personality
Rodgers- Tree stump
Romo- He can actually carry an interview, he's a funny guy. Appears to be genuinely liked by teammates.
Appearance
Rodgers- Looks like the dumb jock in high school that would beat you up for your homework answers and/or lunch money.
Romo- The guy you want dating your daughter. He could knock her up and you wouldn't even be mad at him.
SkillsRodgers- none. Not quite sure why he isn't holding a clipboard somewhere in Canada or Europe.
Romo- He's got a little Troy Aikman in him. He even looks like Aikman in uniform, from afar. His number 9 even looks like the number 8 from certain angles and his play does nothing to dispute the comparison.
Possible future endorsement deals
Romo- Nike, Gatorade, Wheaties
Rodgers- Leon's Do It Yourself Bathroom Emporium, Harry's Discount Herpes Medication, Jolly Good
The rest of Thursday was pretty low key. I did get to see the Russell's new homestead in the Falls and let me tell you, it is a fabulous home (that comes complete with a black and white television set). Seriously though, it is an awesome house and they even had leftover cheddar bay biscuits from their Thanksgiving feast that they were kind enough to allow me to scarf in a fashion that would be best described as embarrassing.
Friday- I headed over to my sister's place of employment at 10:30am to get my tooths cleaned. The whole experience took damn near an hour and I was none too pleased about all the waiting. I don't remember that metal hook scraping process being such a pain in the ass when I was younger. Oh well, at least I no longer have to partake in that mega-horrid fluoride treatment scandal that makes you feel like gagging no matter what flavor they crammed in your trap.
After the cleaning I headed over to the new Qdoba in West Bend to treat my family to some fine Mexican cuisine. Unfortunately after eating our burritos, we were still suffering from what is referred to as "hunger pains" so I was forced to make a supplemental trip to Taco Bell because the West Bend Qdoba doesn't quite make their burritos as large as the big city Qdobas make their burritos (actually it's not even close). You'd be wise to give this particular location a month or two in order to get their shat together and their quantity sizes calibrated. Or.....don't visit this Qdoba during a lunch hour rush. Watching these high school kids trying to assemble a burrito with all eyes on them was pretty entertaining. I've seen Ryan Leaf handle pressure situations with more ease than this collection of panicking teenie boppers.
Saturday: This was the day of the big par-tay, the 2nd annual Nygaard "Find a reason to celebrate" extravaganza and there was no stone left unturned. They had liquor, they had beer, they had wine, they had food of every origin and color, hookers, balloons, a live band, elephants, needles, monkies, nose candy, tractors, darts, mud wrestling, gambling, pigs in a blanket, Mort, strobe lights, chips AND dip, a flippy cup tournament, Asian pantomimes, Nate's parents, Bob Seger's nephew, a guy with 5 legs, BMA's Elvis glasses, NBA Jam, cloth and paper napkins, a fist fight, Big (semi) Naked Nate, a Russian camel, (I'll actually have to double check on the cloth napkins), a "defibrillate for fun" machine, and I believe there was an all female three way, but I could have been staring at the mailbox. I had more fun than a monkey in a banana bin. Thanks again to the Nygaards and everyone who helped make food or dispense drinks. Definitely good times.
Sunday- Hungover.
Movies I watched over Thanksgiving break due to an excessive amount of free time:
-Requieum for a Dream
-Just Friends
-Wedding Crashers
-Fast Times at Ridgemont High
-Happy Gilmore
-Mr. Deeds
-The Breakup
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Draft #165
Freestyle Wednesdays (Cuz only suckers work on fridays.......at least this friday)-I just watched the Michael Richards rant online and I must say, I was frightened. That's probably the closest thing I've witnessed to someone actually losing their mind. The only work he'll be able to get after this fiasco is to be the official spokesperson for Cocoa Puffs. Commercial example:
"Hello.....I know you're probably thinking to yourself (Hey, aren't you that racist guy from Seinfeld?) And while it's true that being heckled sends me into a clouded state of extreme psychotic rage, that's just peanuts compared to the level of cuckoo I obtain through just one bite of Cocoa Puffs. So yeah....maybe I am crazy.....(hold as Michael takes a bite) for the delicious taste of Vanilla Puffs.....I mean Cocoa Puffs. (Someone heckles Michael from the background for slipping on his line) Hey now, that was an honest mistake. Just because I said "Vanilla Puffs" doesn't mean I hate Cocoa Puffs for being dark and oh so chocolatey. I'm Kramer damn it, Kramer!! (Richards is hauled off by a couple of security guards as he screams Hoochie Mama, Hoochie Mama)."
-Speaking of getting heckled, I was watching the Magic vs. Pacers game a couple weeks back and one of the Indiana faithful was giving it to Grant Hill during one of those unintentional moments when the arena is in complete silence. You could hear the guy yell out, "Hey Grant, how does it feel to be playing this late into the season?!?!" And Grant replied, "It feels great!"
-Whenever I hear the phrase "ripple effect" I think of.......
-Prediction: The Cubs will soon discover that Soriano is actually 40 years old. He will look eerily similar to Ronnie Woowoo in a couple of years. Soriano's actual age is ironically 10 years younger than Kerry Wood's right arm. That's right, Kerry Wood's right arm was born 20 years before the rest of his body. He'll be getting lit up in Land O' Lakes in 2 years and his arm will eventually fall off once Billy Backhaus hangs him out to dry in an 11 inning ballgame thanks to a pitch count that reached 214 pitches.
-This Thanksgiving, my goal is to NOT pass out face first with my pants at my ankles, unlike last year.
-And the award for the gayest nursery rhyme ever goes to....."Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub"
-Last Friday's binge eating episode included 2 seperate trips to McDonalds (trips were a half an hour apart)resulting in me eating a McChicken sandwich, a double cheeseburger, a McRib, a premium crispy chicken sandwich combo (fries and coke) and then I made an Orv's cheese pizza and ate 6 of the 8 slices.
-To me, Aaron Rodgers breaking his leg was quite comical (you could say I'm not a fan of his work).
-Last Saturday, a few of us got our picture taken with Bud Selig.
-Breaking the barrier. Hucklebuck brings Mac N' Cheese dish to family Thanksgiving dinner.
-On Monday I watched the Marquette/Texas Tech game at Kelly's Bleachers with Stackhouse and his buddy Matt. Also in attendance.....Trevor Powell! Yeah, I've never heard of him either. How would you like to be Tom Crean this week? You defeated Bobby Knight and Coach K in a span of two days. The closest thing I've ever done that compares to that is the time I saved those two orphans from that sinking canoe.
-I just got an e-mail from a female co-worker that reads:
Happy Turkey Day!
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER
STAY OFF YOUR THIGHS
My reply:
Stay off your thighs.......and go straight to your a$$
May your caboose be the plumpest
May it make them boys sweat
So round and so big
Wanna gets me some of thet
May you shake it not break it
May its rotundness bring a smile
To every boy on the block
Wishing for, some (her name here--it rhymes with smile)
-Thanksgiving also means that Christmas tunes will be flooding the radio waves very soon (if they haven't already). Keep your ears peeled for my favorite song....
http://lyricsplayground.tripod.com/misc_songs/dominickthedonkey.shtml
-Email forward of the week:
-a nickname for your girlfriend that might not go over so well: My dirty little dumpling
-See y'all this weekend and have a disease free Thanksgiving.
-Holiday warning: I once knew a guy who ate so much turkey, his nose started bleeding.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Draft #164
You currently live in West Bend. You currently live in West Bend with your parents. You currently live in West Bend with your parents and they recently decided to act as a host to a foreign exchange student named Tikitamborino Guasmahara for a couple of days until his permant host parents are able to move into their new house. Tiki will be in town for the weekend and it is up to you to show him a rousing good time. And since having a rousing good time in West Bend is no easy task, I've decided to come up with a daily log of activities that might help the two of you pass some time.Day One
9:00am- Wake Tiki up to the sound of, West Bend Company manufactured, pots and pans being bashed together while you scream in gibberish at the top of your lungs.
9:15am- Help Tiki into a fresh change of underwear.
9:25am- Convince Tiki to wear your sister's old New Kids on the Block T-shirt.
9:35am- Become impressed that even Tiki knew that the New Kids on the Block were gay.
9:45am- Take Tiki out for an All American style breakfast at Perkins.
10:00am- Arrive at Perkins.
10:37am- Get seated.
10:52am- Get noticed by waitress.
11:13am- Have your order taken.
11:42am- Receive your food.
11:43am-Discover that's not what you ordered.
11:45am- As the waitress takes the food back, ask Tiki if he'd like to go to Hankerson's for breakfast.
11:46am- Since Tiki doesn't care, just stick it out at Perkins.
11:57am- Receive your food.
12:25pm- Finish your meal and tell Tiki to go outside and start the car.
12:34pm- Order your favorite hot fudge dessert.
12:36pm- Once the waitress leaves your table, make a run for it. They won't even notice you're gone
12:38pm- Convince Tiki that it is "very American" to skip out on the check.
12:48pm- Arrive at the Paradise Mall.
12:50pm- Stand in parking lot and scratch your head while asking, "Where the hell did the arcade go?"
12:55pm- Show Tiki what a Shopko is like.
1:05pm- Get kicked out of Shopko for inadvertently hitting an employee via an errant pass with a Nerf football.
1:06pm- Tell the manager kicking you out of the store, "Oh yeahhhhhh....well Shopko sucks! If I wanted to get hassled by a bunch of freaks, I'd go to Kewaskum."
1:15pm- Hang out at Paradise Mobil for awhile. Ask the clerks if you still get a discount on a carwash if you fill up your tank. Ask them why gas prices are so high. Tell them your every inane opinion on the topic of Krispy Kremes. Make a couple of free copies just because you can and not because you need to. Scan through all the magazines without buying one. Drop a number two in the urinal. Spill a soda so the floor is sticky the rest of the day. Take a couple of "sample" handfuls of popcorn. Ask where the napkins and lids are located. Smoke a cigarette next to one of the pumps as you fill up. Basically, do whatever you can to piss the employees off (because people seemingly schedule time out of their day to do that).
2:22pm- Make your way over to Decorah Rd.
2:31pm- Start combing the high schools in order to find a temporary mate for Tiki.
2:47pm- Stand in the parking lot scratching your head saying, "What a bunch of prudes."
3:00pm- Go to the Y and shoot some hoops.
3:40pm- Avoid the showers at all costs.
3:45pm- Say, "What a focking waste this was" when driving past the skateboard park.
4:00pm- Play home run derby at Riverside Park. When Tiki comments on your great talents, tell him it's all natural, unlike those filthy major leaguers.
4:42pm- Drive past Dan Kovalakse's house and think to yourself, "Man, I wonder what that guy is doing?" Then witness Jason Dondelinger standing in Kovo's old driveway scratching his head, wondering the same thing.
5:00pm- Time for supper. Visit Big Apple Bagels and immediately pass on paying $17.42 for a bagel sandwich.
5:10pm- Head on over to A&W for a Coney dog and a root beer float.
5:15pm- Curse aloud the day that place left town.
5:20pm- Start asking the question that everyone in West Bend asks their friends, "So....what do you want to do?" Then spend the next 30 minutes twiddling your thumbs.
5:50pm- Stop by Janulie's for a slice of pie.
6:10pm- Mention to Tiki the time your dad took you to the Candy Man.
6:11pm- Go to Brazen Head and have a beer.
6:25pm- Have another.
6:40pm- And another.
7:09pm- Just one more.
7:30pm- Head over to Regner Park to see if the Benders are in town.
7:45pm- Read the scoreboard and try to convince Tiki that this isn't a football game.
7:50pm- Do a little crawfishing in the disease free Milwaukee River.
7:55pm- When Tiki complains about having to take a tinkle, just tell him to do it in the river. Everyone else does.
8:25pm- When Tiki complains about how there's nothing to do in this town, then it's time to pull out the big guns.
8:40pm- Take him to the Bagg End.
8:45pm- Introduce him to half of your graduating class.
9:15pm-midnight- Drink pitcher after pitcher of beer.
Midnight- Try to hook Tiki up with the fattest girl in the bar.
12:15am- Stop at Taco Bell for a couple of grilled stuffs.
12:30am- See what TJ Strachota is up to.
12:35am- Ask him if it is okay for Tiki and his date to crash at his place for the night since both of your parents are home.
12:36am- Once he declines, drop the two off at Decorah Hills Park and let nature run its course.
Day Two
11:00am- Clean Tiki off with a garden hose and then take the fatty back to her living quarters.
11:30am through the rest of the day: Reminisce about Day One.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Draft #163
Freestyle Fridays (Because one of you noticed something was missing)-You want awkward? Trying watching television with your old man. Then turn the channel to Comedy Central where an episode of South Park is currently airing. Tell your father that this is a pretty funny show and then watch together in amazement as Mr. Garrison is persuaded into believing that there is no God by a male companion over dinner. This is followed by the two men going back to Mr. Garrison's apartment for some male-on-male action with Mr. Garrison taking it in the arse while talking dirty to his date. This all happened within five minutes of us turning the channel to Comedy Central and my dad had never before seen and/or heard of this program, so it was his first glimpse of the show. If you could only have seen the look on my dad's face. It pretty much said, "Wow, my son likes to watch homosexual cartoons. Great, just great." You could cut the uncomfortable with a knife I tell ya.
-I've seen a lot of crazy people standing at intersections talking to themselves in an overly excited manner lately as I drive through downtown. Those people scare me. They always appear to be quite angry and ready to snap at any moment.
-And the last time I drove through Marquette's campus I came across some students holding signs near an intersection. As I was braking to make my left hand turn they started to peer out towards my car like a pack of bums getting ready to clean my windshield. It was dark and the only words I could see on any of their signs were "honk" and "Doyle". I was too busy operating my vehicle through the crowd to participate in whatever hijinks they had brewing, and I could almost feel their collective sigh of disappointment as I passed through. I'm not sure how honking my horn would have helped their cause, but I got a kick out of upsetting them.
-This morning as I was walking into work I caught myself humming to the tune of "Oh do you know the muffin man". Seriously, who does that? I need a beating.
-I recently had a dream where I was being attacked. Something was biting my legs and I couldn't tell if it was a pregnant woman or a sheep dog. It looked like a combination of the two. Now I was brought up to be the kind of guy that doesn't hit woman, especially pregnant woman, so I didn't know what to do. I ended up swatting feverishly at the beastly figure with a stray table leg. I felt bad about it, but it was biting my ankles. What was I to do?
-You may or may not know this about me already, but I hate shrimp. Never liked it, never will.
-Doogie Howser, say it ain't so.
-If you've recently given birth to a son and you named him Scott, then you just named your child after a brand of toilet paper. Nice work. Might as well have just named him Poop while you were at it.
-Britney Spears finally ridding herself of that awful Kevin Federline kind of reminds me of the time I got rid of those nasty hemroids that were hampering me back in 85'. Trust me Britney, you'll feel like a whole new you.
-eHarmony claims that they can find you a mate based on 29 dimensions of compatibility. 29? Come on eHarmony, you can't round it up to 30 dimensions? 29 makes it look like you're not even trying. You could tell the people who use your product that having identical spine curvature makes for a long lasting relationship and I'm pretty sure they'd probably believe you. Let's get moving on this.
-People who throw their cigarette butts out of the window of their car as they are driving, are the scum of the earth. Witnessing that act pisses me off to no end. I don't know why, but it does.
-"That was just something you did back then." You may have heard one of your grandparent's use that line in reference to holding a door open for a woman, or using the word please. I just hope our society doesn't advance (probably the wrong word here) to the point where we use this phrase in reference to.....tipping the guy who wipes your ass (it was just something you did back then). If we as a nation get to the point were we feel it isn't even necessary to tip someone for that service, then I want out.
-Will one of you west coasters please try that Sirloin Ciabatta sandwich at Jack in the Box for me? It looks really good and I figured if I can't try it, the next best thing would be for you to do it and then describe how good it was to me. Coincidentally, that's the same approach I take with sex.
- I just got NBA League Pass and I probably won't be seeing the light of day for another five months now. Great idea Andy, great idea.
-Next time you visit youtube.com try looking up the clip of Freeway dancing at a UWM basketball game. That guy can fit more moves into a 14 second clip than you'd think would be humanly possible.
-Prediction. Deep-fried pizza will bring forth the end of civilization as we know it. I just first heard of this concoction yesterday. How long has this existed? Actually, if it is half as bad as deep-fried Oreos I don't want anything to do with it.
-I did something the other morning that required four flushes to get rid of, and I'm not ashamed to say that I was proud of it........unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about this entry.
Monday, November 06, 2006
My Nephew Landon
Draft #162
Weekend Review (CliffsNotes Style)
Friday:
-my parents took Adam and I out to dinner at Chili's
-I ordered the margarita grilled chicken
-dinner included rice and beans
-I substituted the beans with broccoli
-I don't like beans
-if southwestern egg rolls were a lady I'd mount her
-just kidding, I wouldn't mount her
-Ryan Hausmann was also dining at that exact restaurant
-we said "hi" on the way out
-that Ryan Hausmann sure is a nice fellow
-we went to Culvers for dessert
-I had a medium Take 5 concrete
-it tasted delicious, but gave me a bit of a tummy ache
-after dessert we went to the movie theater
-we watched the new Borat film
-eeet wuz Niiiiiiice!!
-the male nudity was not a bonus
-after the movie I went to Brothers (a bar on Water St.) with my cousin Kristin
-I drank some beer
-ogled some young ladies
-met a real life German girl
-she gave me a sip of her drink (a mixture of beer and Sprite)
-it doesn't taste as bad as you might think
-apparently it's all the rage in Germany
-actually I'm not able to confirm that
Saturday:
-the old football squad lost by a final score of 6-0
-our QB threw 6 interceptions
-he will remain nameless
-we shared a good laugh about it
-well at least I thought it was funny
-afterwards select members of the team headed to Zim's (Milwaukee's finest sports bar)
-we watched the rest of the Badger game
-Joe Paterno's leg almost came off
-I ordered lunch from the Pizza Shuttle
-it was good
-went home around 3:00pm
-took a nap
-watched the end of the LSU vs. Tennessee game
-that Jonathan Crompton has a little Brett Favre in him
-Verne Lundquist is a classic talent
-went to the Bucks vs. Kings game
-I was given a free Bucks magnetic refrigerator schedule just for attending
-love the new court, love the home jerseys, and the fact that we (yes I'm part of the team) won
-if Villanueva, Bogut, and Redd can continue to score 20 points a piece each game....
-this will be a great season
Sunday:
-watched football at my sister's house
-can't believe the Packers tried throwing the ball on the goal line down 17-10.
-actually I can, I said the Packers were going to squander that drive before the interception happened
-I guess that makes me a fortune teller
-not really
-there's a new frozen pizza that's sweeping the nation
-it's called Orv's
-I recommend you go out and buy one or ten as soon as it is physically possible
-or whenever you get a chance
-if you have Willie Parker, Ronnie Brown, Marques Colston, and Javon Walker on the same fantasy team...
-you probably had a good weekend for fantasy football
-The End.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Draft #161
Thankless BastardsIt's been awhile since I've had a hand in anything that had to do with Halloween and it's traditions, so you can understand my surprise when I was visiting my sister during her neighborhood's allotted two hour Trick or Treat block of candy disbursement. As it turns out, kids are really rotten creatures. I mean really, who knew things have turned this badly? You should have heard some of the filth coming out of these miserable cretin's mouths. It was enough to make Andrew Dice Clay blush a rosie shade of red. And their parents were standing right on the sidewalk! Imagine some of the rubbish that spews out of the cakeholes of these little ass grabbers when their parents aren't in the vicinity? It stings the brain to even try to imagine the verbal carnage so that is why I've decided to write a booklet that educates children on how to use proper etiquette while Trick or Treating.
Lesson #1
As a Trick or Treater it is your responsibility to remember that the candy being passed out by strangers is not owed to you. It is not a right, it is a privilege and should be treated as such. There are thousands of kids in Kazmukatonistan that would kill to be in your shoes, hell they'll kill for an extra scoop of broiled monkey brains, but alas, neither one is an option for them.
Lesson #2
An oversized flannel shirt and some eyeblack does not constitute a costume. It displays how little you care for the holiday and how lazy you and your parents have become as human beings. Or it just means you were brought up in a trailer home, either way, let's try to put forth an acceptable level of effort here people. Other ensembles that do not count as a costume include:
-wearing a football jersey with no pads and no helmet
-walking around in your dad's welding mask and trying to pawn it off as being Darth Vader
-mumbling "Trick or Treat" and then proclaiming that you are Mumbles McGee
-wearing a trash bag like a diaper and proclaiming to people that you are "half in the bag"
-just because you're clutching a pencil, that doesn't make you Bob Dole.
-same thing goes for earmuffs and Princess Laya
Lesson #3
Saying "thank you" to someone who has just given you a free piece of candy is an appropriate response. Saying any of the following is not:
- What? Another Snickers? This is ridiculous. (huff and puff)
- What? Just one piece?
- Smarties? Smarties blow!
-What the hell is this?
-I didn't know they made them smaller than "fun size".
-I'm going to enjoy feeding Fido this colossal piece of crap
-Didn't they stop making this stuff years ago?
Lesson #4
When an adult with a bowl of candy tells you to take one piece, and you take two, that adult has (or should have) the government issued permission to run you down and beat you like a used donkey on his or her own front lawn. Nobody is that stupid.
Lesson #5
In medieval times, it wasn't uncommon for particular homeowners to pass out rolls of nickels or apples to children as treats. In the event this happens to you, do not hesitate to vandalize this person's living quarters by any means necessary when they are not looking. If you'd like to call the holiday offender a dirty whore or a douche wad immediately after receiving the nickels or apples, feel free to. After all, they deserve it.
Lesson #6
When your town has it written in their Trick or Treating bylaws that "Any household who wishes to participate in the dispursement of candy should indicate their desire to do so by leaving their front porch lights in the "on" position." And you find yourself ringing the doorbell of someone's house who has their porch lights "off", then go ahead, crumple up this brochure, put it in your mouth, and choke on it. Because if you can't follow those instructions, I'm guessing you're going to have trouble reading the directions to most of the condoms you might come across in the future, thus leading to your illegitimate reproduction. And nobody wants that.
Hopefully through this booklet you'll discover the one thing that rarely gets handed out during Halloween, and that's some good old fashioned manners.
Draft #160
NBA Opening night observations
-The Bucks started their season off with a big win last night against their division foe, the Detroit Pistons. While the Bucks played well and deserved to win (outscoring your opponent 70-28 in the "points scored in the paint" category always helps), the Pistons just didn't seem the same to me. Part of what has made the Pistons a force in the East over the last few seasons is their cohesiveness as a unit. They played as if they were the best starting five in the league, it was a unity that was second to none. And last night they appeared to be mentally preoccupied with the fact that Big Ben is actually gone. Sure they played some preseason games without him, but I think it collectively sunk in last night that a huge link to their chain is missing. I'm not saying the Pistons are going to suck the rest of the season, but I think the Bucks were fortunate to catch the Pistons on a night where a little voice in their heads kept saying, "Something ain't right here."
But enough about the Pistons, here are some things I was pleased to see in regards to the Bucks. 1) The starting five played "starters" minutes. Everyone one in the first unit played close to 35 minutes with exception to Andrew Bogut (monitored minutes due to ankle injury I presume). 2) Jamaal Magloire wasn't one of those starting five. The offense just flows so much better without the Big Stiff clogging things up. 3) Mo Williams willingness to push the ball and play with a "pass first" mentality. 4) Ruben Patterson's toughness. It's exactly what the Bucks needed to give them a bit of a mean streak. I wasn't sure before, but now I'm convinced that Bobby Simmons is better suited coming off the bench. 5) Michael Redd shooting 8 free throws. When he attacks the basket it only makes him that much more dangerous. 6) The new uniforms. 7) Bogut and Villanueva controlling the boards. The Bucks were really aggressive on the offensive glass, hustling to get loose balls. 8) Ball movement on offense. It's a basic principle to having offensive success yet some teams forget to do it regularly, usually because of a few selfish players. That wasn't the case last night, and it appears the Bucks have layed out a pretty nice blueprint on how to win games this season, so lets hope they actually stick to the plan.
As for the rest of the leauge:
-Al Harrington is apparently a huge fan of Mr. T
-The Celtics went with a small lineup against the Hornets and all of a sudden Paul Pierce is looking a lot like Shawn Marion. 19 rebounds?
-Rudy Gay can play.
-Ronny Turiaf can too (between him and Morrison I'm beginning to think that Gonzaga houses their players somewhere deep in the woods, they're both crazy).
-I will probably never be able to pronounce the name, Sarunas Jasikevicius. Sounds like "cabbage" when people say his last name.
-It's nice to see Maceo Baston is back in the league. Now we just need to find the Tractor Traylor and Luis Bullock and all of Ann Arbor will be beaming with joy. Maurice Taylor's two technical fouls and ejection from last night's game against the Timberwolves is just another example of why....."we don't give a damn about the whole state of Michigan, the whole state of Michigan...." (Damn you Filzen for getting that song stuck in my head)
-And finally. I have a new reason to hate that new microfiber piece of crap the NBA passes off as a basketball. As some of you may be aware, I'm quite particular when it comes to the net for any given basketball hoop. If basketball hoops didn't have nets, I would have absolutely no interest in this sport, what so ever. The net is everything and it can't be too long in length and it can't be to short either. The net also can't be too stiff, it needs to "rip" or swish up and through the top of the cylinder when the ball passes through without touching the rim. Some nets are too crusty and they almost catch the ball for a moment as it passes through the rim, I hate that.
Well after watching games around the league last night I can honestly say that I've seen enough of this ball already. Either every team in the league replaced their nets simultaneously with shitty crusty ones, OR....this crappy new ball is causing too much friction as it passes through the hoop because of it's sticky/foamy texture, thus fucking up the net action. And I'm blaming it on the latter.
I'm sure this isn't even an issue for most people, but to me, this new ball is the equivalent to getting rid of wood bats in baseball and replacing them with a microfiber bat that allegedly performs the same as wood. In this hellish scenario Bud Selig would say things like, "The new microfiber bats last longer and break less frequently." "We'll save thousands of dollars with this new product." "All the bats in the majors are now the same, no more variations." But what's baseball without that crack of the bat? What if everytime a player hit a ball it made a foamy thud sound? It would be like someone is purposely pissing all over your favorite pair of shoes while you are wearing them just because they can.
This is outrageous!! The new ball sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me whenever it is dribbled or shot. Nothing sounds the same anymore, my whole world is collapsing around me. The leather ball had a particular sound when it bounced off of the floor or the rim and it was a nice, soft, almost soothing sound. But now, whenever a shot hits the rim it sounds like someone is banging a wrench up against a frying pan, it's nauseating to me, the whole basket rattles now for some reason. I always thought NBA baskets were so sturdy, and now they seem to perform like some piece of shit Fleet & Farm apparatus that your dad bought on sale for $34.99.
I should probably stop writing now, I'm getting ornery......(focking ball).
