Friday, June 29, 2007
Hucklebuck Remix
Jimmy Buffett's Son of a Son of a Sailor becomes......
A Son of a Son of a Failure:
As the son of a son of failure
There are places I dare never venture
Viewed as by few
In the world I walk through
As one who is much of a pleasure
As a soiler of beds and
a flatulent man
I have unloaded many a pile
Slow to the point
But I can light up a joint
And there's not much I cannot defile
Son of a son, son of a son, son of a son of a Failure
Son of a bum, means I'm twice as dumb, as a piece of trash from the Trailer
Not too far from now,
near a casino in Vegas,
I'll spend half my loot
on a hooker named Mavis
And the lady she hails straight from the gutter,
queen of the herpes
Disease for you meat
The pain's not discreet
like the prick of 10 thousand bees
This new job I'm quittin'
will help to begin
the cycle my grandpappy
taught us
When adversity's on the horizon
Fold up shop, there ain't no use in tryin'
We can't all be born the son of Chuck Norris
Where the failure finally ends
I guess all depends
Perhaps my grandson will be a stock trader
He'll live the high life
avoiding turmoil and strife
not a bum, a thief , or a wanker
But he'll probably just be the son of a son, son of a son, son of a son of a Failure
Losing is in our veins, the stench always remains
I'm just glad I'm not a phone operator
Draft #199
2007 NBA Draft
Some pre draft thoughts that I never posted in time:
No matter who the Bucks bring in, a few changes need to be made before this team can become successful.
The alpha dog struggle between Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut needs to be settled. From my perspective, it appears that Bogut is not pleased with the amount of shots Redd takes per game. And maybe it's not so much the amount of shots that Redd takes that bothers Andrew but it's just the amount of touches Bogut receives in the post. Too many times last season I watched the Bucks be content to just sit back, clear out, and watch Redd take his man one-on-one while the rest of the players on the court did nothing.
Bogut is a talented passer who can set up at the elbow or on the low block, and at the very least he should be given the chance to distribute the ball to others, if the team doesn't want him to be the primary scoring option. Believe it or not for some players, the defensive effort they put forth is closely linked to the success they have at the offensive end of the floor. Success on the offensive end gives them the energy or the spark to compete on the defensive end. Bogut strikes me as that type of player, if he feels he's not involved offensively, he'll lose interest on defense. He should be an automatic 16 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists just rolling out of bed. Guess how many times he achieved that minimum statline in a single game last season? Once. One focking time. Coincidentally, they won that game and when Bogut scored in double figures with at least five assists the Bucks went 6-3. In 35 games last season, he had 9 or fewer shot attempts. Couple that with Michael Redd's 23 games in which he chucked over 20 shots (while playing 53 total games) and there is an obvious imbalance here. Last season when the shot attempt ratio was balanced (Redd under 20 attempts and Bogut over 10) the Bucks were like 7-4 in the 11 games that actually happened. The 6-3 and 7-4 record examples may seem like a small sample size but if you maintain that clip throughout the course of an 82 game season, you're going to find yourself with 50 W's in the win column come playoff time.
Outlook
The Bucks had a roster last season that was worthy of being a 4-6 seed in the Eastern Conference Playoffs, on paper anyways. Instead, thanks to a rash of injuries and a douche bag for a head coach, they finished the year with the 3rd worst record in the league. With many of the same pieces still in place for the upcoming 07-08 season and a lottery pick to boot, the expectations are high once again. Regardless of who is selected in the upcoming draft, the following needs to take place in order for the Bucks to reach the 50 win plateau.
1. Stay healthy (this applies to any team, any sport, but given what happened last year this should be our first priority)
2. Get Bogut more involved. Eventually 16 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists should be the norm.
3. Assuming Williams is signed and is the starting point guard, strap him to a chair and force him to watch 150 consecutive hours of Steve Nash game film until his brain morphs into a pass first frame of mind.
4. Figure out what makes Charlie Villanueva tick and slap/beat/poke/prod him with whatever IT is and pray he shifts things out of 1st gear.
5. Convince either Bobby Simmons or Dan Gadzuric to give the money back that they stole from the Bucks, and then arrange it so the two are paid off of the one remaining contract, since they barely do the work of one player anyway.
6. Surgically implant tiny computer chips into the brains of the returning players that will scramble any memory or memories that are related to Terry Stotts in any way, shape, or form.
7. Don't even think about drafting Yi Jianlian from China. I don't feel like waiting 5 plus years for his competitive spirit to blossom. The role of meek and timid is already being played by Charlie Villanueva, so there is no room here, sorry.
8. Do strongly consider Mike Conley Jr. or Jeff Green as your lottery pick with Corey Brewer and Brandan Wright serving as consolation prizes.
9. Target Mo Williams, Gerald Wallace, Charlie Bell, and Travis Outlaw in free agency.
10. Say goodbye to Brian Skinner, Earl Boykins, and Ruben Patterson.
Now some post draft reaction:
Yi Jianlian and company didn't want to come to Milwaukee so the Bucks said nuts to that and selected Yi with the 6th pick anyway. I'm not going on record as being happy with this decision but at least the Bucks didn't draft him ahead of Horford, Conley Jr., or Green. Between Brandan Wright, Corey Brewer, Julian Wright, and Yi it is hard to say who will end up being the better pro, so I would have hated to make this decision.
I'm curious to find out what the Bucks were being offered for their pick because Golden State and Philadelphia, according to what I had read, were very eager to get their hands on Yi. Philly had the 12th pick so we could have traded down and had our choice of Julian Wright, Al Thorton, or Thaddeus Young plus an addition pick or player, but who knows?
I'm still holding out hope that Larry Harris drafted Yi as a bargaining chip since there are so many teams that covet his services, with the primary reason being that he is the perfect centerpiece to a marketing campaign geared toward cashing in on a heavily populated Chinese demographic. I wouldn't mind a trade that sends Yi to Golden State for Brandan Wright and Monta Ellis, I wouldn't mind that one at all.
Final thoughts on the draft:
-Kudos to Portland for getting rid of Zach Randolph before he had the chance to taint Greg Oden in one form or another. Double kudos for getting their hands on Josh McRoberts that late in the draft as well (a guy who was slated to be a high lottery pick before last season). He may not be the type of player you build a team around and Jay Bilas said it best when he mentioned that Josh is better suited to play the role of Robin than he is Batman, but for a guy that should not have even entered the draft, I think he ended up in a decent situation.
-I was happy to see Alando Tucker get drafted in the 1st round and to a top three team in the Western Conference no less. Good for you, Alan-do! Enjoy the guaranteed money.
-Eddy Curry's career assist per game average per season:
2001-02- 0.3/game
2002-03- 0.5/game
2003-04- 0.9/game
2004-05- 0.6/game
2005-06- 0.3/game
2006-07- 0.8/game
-Zach Randolph's career assist per game average per season:
2001-02- 0.3/game
2002-03- 0.5/game
2003-04- 2.0/game
2004-05- 1.9/game
2005-06- 1.9/game
2006-07- 2.2/game
-In case you missed the draft, Curry and Randolph are now on the same team. As if this wasn't great enough, maybe the Knicks will find a way to acquire Antoine Walker, the very man who was once asked, "Hey Antoine, why do you shoot so many three-pointers?" and replied, "Because there ain't no 4's." That would be the ultimate trio but I have a feeling that this duo will be entertaining enough. If Curry + Randolph + Marbury doesn't equal a total disaster by season's end, then I will be completely and utterly shocked.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Draft #198
Freestyle Fridays (Where banana flavored Malibu rum doesn't sound half bad)
-Alright I lied, banana flavored rum sounds terrible. But I've been surprised before, like the time I found out that talentless actress/performer/celebrity announced she was entering rehab only to check out less than one week later.
-I think Jack Safro Toyota has had it way too easy for way too long. It's high time somebody gives that monopoly a little competition. That's why I'm thinking of opening up my own car dealership and calling it Jack's Afro. If you want in on this, get in now while the getting is hot.
-Boy I tell ya, times are rough (Yeah, how rough are they?) Oh man, the other day a black cat ran across my path and the cat got seven years of bad luck.
-SPOKANE, Wash. - "The only surviving pair of endangered pygmy rabbits released as part of a program to increase their numbers in the wild have dodged coyotes, badgers, hawks and owls and found time for love. Proud scientists announced Thursday that the rabbits have successfully bred."
Wow, a couple of rabbits managed to find a way to reproduce, go figure. There hasn't been this obvious a lock for something to happen since the Bears won the Super Bowl in 86'. In a related story, my friend Javier and his wife are expecting their seventh child. Congratulations Javier!
-For those of you who didn't know, Applebee's is running a promotion in conjuction with the Milwaukee Brewers. Any customer who purchases one of five preselected entrees from Applebees will receive a voucher for a free ticket to a Brewers game.
Sounds great doesn't it? Check out the fine print though: The preselected entree must be purchased on a Mon-Wed between the hours of 1pm and 3:30pm. The entree must also be ordered while dining in the smoking section of any of our Wisconsin locations. The waitress/waiter must be of Norwegian descent with a surname that lands between the letters A and G in the alphabet. This offer does not apply to all individuals who are left handed or wearing sandals. In order to qualify for the free ticket the customer must supply the waitress/waiter with a 42% gratuity and do so while reciting the books of the Bible in reverse order while hopping on one leg. Milwaukee area Applebees locations do not qualify to offer this promotion. Customer must pay a 22% sales tax inorder to receive free voucher. Void where prohibited--we don't actually know what that means but it sounds like something you'd find in most disclaimers. Those employed by the Milwaukee Brewers or Major League Baseball are also exempt from this deal. No Jews.
-I'm not sure I'm ready to live in a world where there's no Bob Barker. Where else could you bid $1 on a microwave and not get laughed at? I'm sure the show will live on, but it just won't be the same. Thanks to the Price is Right I now have the ability to make a fair market bid on a package of Garlique with 44% accuracy. Thanks Bob!
-In a discussion of the worst softball players in the history of the universe, my name has to be bandied about as a top 5 candidate, it just has to be. I'm pathetic.
-Well this afternoon has flown by and only one half hour remains until the weekend begins, so I'll have to cut this edition short. But I'll leave you with this....it doesn't take a son of a son of a sailor to head out on the sea for adventure. So get your hands out of your pants for five seconds and go out and do something.....or someone.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Draft #197
Interpersonal Communication....
is the process of sending and receiving information, at least that's what I learned when I took this course at UWWC. We had actually spent a chapter or part of a chapter discussing the topic of relationship development. Do any of you know what relationship development actually is? Of course you don't. Who does? That is why I've decided to breakdown Mark Knapp's Relationship Escalation and Termination Models so that we all might gain a better understanding on how relationships begin and end.
Knapp's Relationship Escalation Model (the 1984 version of the model with modern day examples--things move a little faster these days)
Stage One: Initiation
"This stage is very short, sometimes as short as 10-15 seconds. In this stage, interactants are concerned with making favorable impressions on each other. They may use standard greetings or observe each other's appearance or mannerisms."
Example:
-Paul might walk up to Jessica during a whisky social and comment on how succulent her rack is looking that evening. Jessica will most likely giggle and thank Paul for noticing. After about 20 consecutive seconds of looking into each other's eyes, the initiation has begun.
Stage Two: Experimenting
"In the next stage, individuals ask questions of each other in order to gain information about them and decide if they wish to continue the relationship. Many relationships progress no further than this point"
Example:
-Paul might be zipping his pants back up, in the alley near the dumpster, after Jessica performed an unspeakable act on him and ask, "Hey, what's your name by the way?" or "Hey, you must have taken a course on how to do that because you are really good at it. You must have finished first in your class?" After 30 consecutive seconds of silence and awkwardness, the experimental stage is now complete.
Stage Three: Intensifying
"Self-disclosure becomes more common in the intensifying stage. The relationship becomes less formal, the interactants begin to see each other as individuals, and statements are made about the level of commitment each has to the relationship."
Example:
-In this stage Paul will reveal to Jessica that his real name is Bill and that there is a 22% chance that he has herpes. He will insist it is no big deal and he will hope that his "allowing Jessica to perform the unspeakable act on him" does not send any mixed messages since he's not looking for anything steady at this time. Of course Bill being a guy, none of this will actually be communicated verbally, it will just be assumed.
Stage Four: Integrating
"The individuals become a pair in the integrating stage. They begin to do things together and, importantly, others come to see them as a pair. A shared relational identity starts to form in this stage."
Example:
-Bill and Jessica, having become quite bored with their intimate relationship, will now start to incorporate new toys into the equation to help spice things up. Whips, chains, swings, and numerous other unmentionables are common place during the integrating stage. The shared relational identity becomes noticeable, Bill and Jessica now realize they are both freaks. Hot tub orgies at this point are a weekly occurrence, and now others can easily see them as a pair. Bill will have most likely grown a pretty sweet mustache by this point.
Stage Five: Bonding
"During the bonding stage, a formal, sometimes legal, announcement of the relationship is made. Examples include a marriage, "best friend" ritual, or business partnership agreement. Few relationships reach this level."
-Once Jessica pays the $5,000 bond to get Bill out of jail for not showing up to his DUI hearing, Bill thinks he might be in love with Jessica. To make things official, the two go halfsies on a trailer and move into a trailer park. Within three years, the couple will end up on an episode of Cops once the neighbors call in a domestic disturbance that got started because Jessica bought a case of Busch Light cans again instead of the Keystone Light 30 pack that Bill prefers (but then again, maybe I should be saving this for the Relationship Termination Model, which I'll discuss tomorrow--if there's time).
Friday, June 01, 2007
Draft #196
Freestyle Fridays (where there's smoke on the water and fire in the sky)
-I just heard a commercial on the radio advertising rain gutters and the company supplying the gutters offered a "no clog" guarantee. Unfortunately, my brother Adam doesn't come with that same guarantee when it comes to his afterwork bathroom visits.
-Congratulations are in order for Nate Filzen and his once girlfriend Michelle Mihm. And no, they did not breakup, so boys keep your mits to yourself because this little filly is becoming a Filzen!! The two mutually decided to take on the title of fiance by becoming engaged over the Memorial Day weekend. So if you've noticed a buzz in the air this week and didn't quite know what it was, well now you know.
-I adjusted my chair at work today for the first time since I've been here and I'm liking it. I have a whole new outlook on life. I feel like Elaine Benes taking a comfort cruise through Kramer's luxuriously wide highway lanes.
-The top 100 signs that indicate you might be a douchebag....sign #74: You're an Elvis impersonator (bonus douchebag points if you live outside of Memphis or Vegas).
-My food craving of the week: BBQ chicken pizza with jalapenos from the Pizza Shuttle. What I'll end up settling for: a sleeve of Ritz Crackers and a half a stick of butter.
-Pat Graven, you are a miserable human being. You B and Moan about how I don't write enough on the blog and then I go out and write an entry that is completely about you and I can't even muster one comment out of your crusty ass. Luckily, you really know how to appreciate a good mushroom swiss burger so I can't get too mad at you. Your words were too kind.
-If you thought LeBron James performance last night was impressive let me take you down memory lane for just one second. Once during sixth grade, Jed Justman and I each scored 16 points a piece in a 34-16 shellacking of Faith Fond Du Lac. And yes, for those of you who are mathematically inclined, only one other person on our team scored a basket that day. This was the golden era of sports when winning was everything and participation was for those who could hack it and not just for any ninny with a jockstrap and a parent's signature.
-The top 100 signs that indicate you might be a douchebag...sign #75: You're twenty five years old and you look back on your grade school athletic achievements fondly (bonus douchebag points if you still proudly display your grade school trophies and awards somewhere in your living quarters).
-Bobby Flay has a thing for mangos. You either understand that statement or you don't, there's no middle ground.
-Haus and I recently partied with Pepe Lopez and drove home to tell about it. If you're into bottom shelf tequila, you know who Pepe is, he's basically the bagged cereal equivalent to alcohol.
-Yes, John Osowski, Ryan Braun really is the new black.
-Last night at the Brewers game I was inches away from booing the young girl who was chosen to do the junior PA announcing. She was barely old enough to read and did a horrible job. Sometimes when kids take their crack at announcing upcoming batters their innocent foulups are often viewed as cute and somewhat delightful. But in this instance, I found her inefficiencies to be quite annoying. We can all just thank our lucky stars that Jarrod Saltalamacchia is not on the Brewers because that would have been a complete disaster. And incase you are wondering, G.G. Herdy is now playing shortstop for the Milwaukee Brewers, good grief!!
-Top 100 signs that you might be an asshole...#76: Read previous bullet point.
-A couple other observations from last night's Brewers game:
*not only is Miguel Cabrera on steroids, he eats them by the bottle.
*whoever made the trade for Prince Fielder in my Strat-o-matic fantasy baseball league is a genius.
*the guy sitting next to me was wearing a Jason (Friday the 13th) type hockey mask on his head and I didn't even stop to ask him or myself, why? I must be losing my curiosity.
-In an effort to remain positive, I recently joined a gang to improve my knife wielding skills.
-In an effort to be ironic, I recently became Catholic and married a Jew.
-In an effort to become lousy and miserable, I recently became a Cubs fan.
-In an effort to rid myself of suspicion, I recently spied on myself for two hours.
-In an effort to be more miraculous, I recently flushed the toilet after using it.
-In an effort to be more sarcastic, I recently thought for a second that this blog entry was excellent.
-By accident, I think I just finished a blog entry without the use of any cexual innuendoes. I believe that might be a first.
-Oh no, I can't fight the urge....here it comes.....what do you call two Asian women who really love each other? Give up.....they're called resbians. Thank you, thank you, good night everybody!
-P.S. Go see this movie: http://www.knockedupmovie.com/
