Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Draft #11
I am not a fan of horoscopes and if you know me, I think I've made that perfectly clear. I probably didn't make that known through verbal distain, but if you are one who picks up on details, you would have known this since I've never been enrolled in any kind of astrology course, and I've never seen a Star Wars movie from beginning to end. And if that didn't give it away, then my hatred of anything Star Treck should have tipped you off to the skinny on my lack of enthusiasm towards the super natural or anything outerspace-ish. Not that there is anything wrong with looking to the stars for a little guidance, I'm sure "Hunter the Orion" and the "Little Dipper" have given out enough winning lottery numbers to their faithful followers to solidify their legitimacy as a credible source of advice. If horoscopes are your thing, and you find that you are utterly lost without it, then yes, I think you are a weirdo. But.......this is coming from a guy who licks his plate clean after a really good meal, so to each his own.
Having said this, I decided to take a gander at what the old horo(ble)scope had to say today. And to my surprise, I felt as though this horoscope had a pretty good idea as to who I am, and what I should be doing. The advise was two-fold. The Quickie version said that "Bigger isn't necessarily better" Wow, they damn near customized today's reading for yours truely. I felt a sudden relaxed feeling come over me, as years of unnecessary anxiety had melted away thanks to this reassuring message from above. But unfortunately, the message went on to say "Remember this when you go shopping--find quality" Damn it, damn it...........damn you, you terrible horoscope, what do you know. Haven't you ever heard of ocean motion or boyish charm, two of the more underrated assets to any man's utility belt.
The second part of the reading said, "If it is fancy, lavish, or even gaudy, it may appeal to you now. That's not your usual style, so before you plunk down your hard-earned cash, think it over, for at least two days. Why pay finance charges on a passing fancy." This is good advice when dealing with a gift you are considering purchasing for that special lady friend. Sure it's her birthday, but does she really need a gold bracelet when a homemade grilled cheese sandwich could take you just as far? If she doesn't like the crust, then yes, you have to peel it, it's her birthday for crying out loud, girls like that extra effort stuff. And yes, a getaway weekend vacation for two to a tropical setting may sound like a good idea on the surface, but you should immediately put away that credit card and take out that coupon to Blockbluster your aunt gave you for Christmas a year ago and treat that little lady to a night on the couch with season one of Hawaii 5-o. You get all the Hawaii and only a fraction of the cost. It's what I like to refer to as practical romance. If there is enough left on the Blockbuster gift card, then let the lady have first choice from the snack section, remember it's her big day. But if she reaches for the pricey chocolates, calmly remind her that there are a few bags of Jiffy Pop at home, and that you'd be glad to whip her up a bowl as soon as you get back. I promise, she'll gaze into your eyes as though gold were spewing from your nose, and don't thank me, thank Miss Cleo.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 10:29 AM 
