Friday, October 28, 2005
Draft #12
With my life becoming as routine as ever, I noticed there are a hand full of shows that are on T.V. that I rarely miss and would highly recommend to anyone who enjoys a good, old school situational comedy. The reality T.V. craze kind of passed me by, except for the Real World and Laguna Beach, who doesn't like to watch young ladies argue for hours on end, over extremely important issues like; What is he doing with her? Who does she think she is? She is such a bitch? and What did she say about me? Throw in all the cleavage you can handle and a splash of booze and you have yourself a recipe for success. And by success, I mean boner inducing entertainment. It's not really boner inducing, I just think boner is a funny word, and I found a spot in which to use it.
If I was in charge of Laguna Beach's add campaign for next season I would feature a commercial with Kristin walking down the street, oblivious to a massive crowd of people walking behind her. She would stop at a corner, turn around and acknowledge the masses in her wake with a puzzled look on her face, sun shining brightly in her eyes, using her hand as a visor. Some young teenage boy with a crackly voice will speak up in the midst of the sea of people and ask, "Hey Kristin, where are you going, what are you doing, and can I come with?" The young man shown with a glimmer of hope in his eye, on tip toes, holding breath, biting his lower lip. Camera pans to Kristin, still peering into sun, as she debates in her head for all of one second whether or not this spaz can tag along. With a quick response, she answers in her snotty tone, "Yeah, I don't think so." Camera pans to dejected young man then back to Kristin as she winks into the camera with a big smile (proud of her evilness) throws jacket over shoulder and continues on her merry way. The voice-over kicks in and encourages that you'll have to wake for next season like the rest of us or something. Basically, something that drives home the patheticness of the large following that Laguna Beach has. She's just a hot girl with rich parents and yet we cling to her every move like flies to a freshly squeezed spat of manure.
OK, back to the actual sitcoms I was referring to earlier. On Monday nights, look no further than CBS. At 7pm CT, you got King of Queens. Jerry Stiller and Patton Oswalt make this show tick, and if you don't find this show to be entertaining, then I would have to assume that you have a trace of communism in your family heritage. After King of Queens is How I Met Your Mother. Each episode begins with a father in the year 2030 sitting in a chair telling his two kids the story of how he met their mother. Bob Saget narrates the show and serves as the father telling the story. Doogie Howser MD's Neil Patrick Harris is in the show as is the new love of my life, Cobie Smulders. You may not know you she is now, and maybe you never will, but she has dark hair and is gorgeous, and I will marry her soon, I have a good feeling about this, so back off! Alyson Hannigan also stars in this rising sitcom and for those of you who don't know who she is, she's the band camp girl from the American Pie movies. Her crooked smile and innocence will lure you in, so beware. And at 8pm CT, airs Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen plays a bachelor who lives with his divorced brother who has a son. Charlie is a womenizer who has no intention of settling down, and I can't give to many other reasons why I like the show, but it is funny so tune in, ya dig? After that, you should be watching Monday Night football like a good American should.
Tuesday nights from 8pm CT to 9pm CT on NBC is an hour of some of the best damned-est comedy around. At eight o' clock is My Name is Earl. A piece of white trash wins $100,000 on a scratch off lottery ticket and makes a list of things he's done wrong in his life that he plans to rectify in order to keep karma on his side. Probably the best show going right now and you would be wise to tune in, or............... just continue banging your head up against a wall, or whatever you do for fun, what do I care? At 8:30 is The Office. Steve Carell plays a boss at an office and basically if you liked the movie Office Space, you'll like this show, and if you don't, I suggest die trying to.
Wednesdays you should probably take a step back and take a second to analyze why you are watching so much T.V. You can ask yourself certain questions like; What is this empty void in my life and why do I choose to fill it with television? Is there possibly anything else I could be doing to benefit society? Why is my nose always bleeding? Once you've done some much needed reflecting, then just shrug your shoulders, grab the nearest beer and start watching whatever game is on the tube. Which brings us to Thursday. Everyone's favorite station, UPN brings us the new hit series Everybody Hates Chris which airs at 7pm CT. This show is a cross between the Wonder Years and Martin in my humble opinion. It's like the Wonder Years because Chris Rock narrates the show and it is about his childhood growing up in the early 1980's in Brooklyn. I guess it reminds me of Martin because the actress who played Pam stars as Chris's mother in the show. If you can get past the fact this show airs on UPN, then I think you will really enjoy this program, just remember to tune away as soon as the show is over because everything else after it sucks big time.
Well there you have it, the prime cut viewing choices of the week. If you are really lame like some people I know, then you should tune in to Friday night standup on Comedy Central, then drink yourself to sleep in preparation for the big day of drinking you have ahead of you on Saturday while you watch nine hours of college football. Sunday, make your way to the chapel of lord football and sweat yourself to tears as your first round fantasy pick shits the bed once again, painfully dragging your team to the basement of the league for the umpteenth year in a row. Round the night off with some laundry and begin the whole process once again. Now that I'm finished with this article, I'm not sure if it was a shameless plug for my favorite television programs, or just a wordy reminder as to how shameful my life has become. In any event, always remember to set that timer when cooking your favorite frozen pizza because your entire Friday night may be depending on it.
T-shirt slogan: "I love beef jerky"
P.S. Disregard this article if you live in Calfornia and are currently enjoying that basking warm glow that the sun provides on a daily basis for you miserable rotten bastards who think they are so great because it never rains and it's always above 70 degrees with your dark tans and lunchtime hangouts and girls with the large breastes's oh my god what am I still doing here?
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