Thursday, October 13, 2005
Draft #7
Here's a riddle for you. What's something we as humans only watch when we're at or near the age of wearing diapers? Don't know? I'll give you one more hint. You've probably come across this, if you weren't fortunate enough to have cable television as a kid. You guessed it, public television. If you are a dork, you probably still tune in from time to time on purpose without the help of alcohol. As a kid I remember the quality programming that made me who I am today. With shows like Sesme Street, Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood, and Reading Rainbow, pre-school and kindergarten were nothing more than an unnecessary formality. We could count, share, and listen as a black man read stories to us. What else did a kid need to be equipped with, before heading on into the rigorous world of grade school? But sadly though, with the onslot of "Barney the Purple Gay Dinosaur", also came a plethora of equally terrible programming. This trend has continued to this day without any end in sight.
The following is a list of actual shows that PBS has on their current lineup. Each of the following titles are real, but came with no description of the show, and that's where I come in.
Guy Lombardo And His Royal Canadians
-Follow Mr. Lombardo as he tours the lovely country of Canada, sipping the finest split pea soups and maple syrup this land has to offer. And don't let the "Royal" part of the title fool you, we all know there is no such thing as Canadian Royalty, just Guy and the guys playing pick up hockey and hitting on broads in shotty Canadian pubs. Miss this show and you're a hoser! Tune in on Mondays at 3:30 am.
Priscilla's Yoga Stretches
-Cringe in fear as this old lady bends herself into postions no one half her age should be attempting. Two hip replacements are not enough to keep Priscilla from practicing her favorite ancient craft. But viewer beware, Priscilla's tights are no longer able to contain all the baggage she's claimed throughout the years, and things can often get a bit messy. Tune in Mondays, beginning at 4:12 am.
Sewing with Nancy
-Simply the longest half hour in television! Nancy's rocking chair approach to entertainment is utterly painful. Take a trip through the 1930's as this senile old bag brings you back to her childhood youth, through a useless pile of stories that wouldn't even relate to a culture that existed twenty years ago. If hard candy and a strong distaste for the US postal service is right up your alley, then tune in on Tuesdays at 1:24 am for PBS's least talked about series.
Omar Sosa
-Uh oh! Omar's done it again. This popular reality TV series is back for its third season and it's better than ever. Fresh off his second rape conviction, Omar's finding it difficult to assimilate back into the outside world, and what awaits is half the fun. Previously starring in Cops (Philadelphia) and Cops (Dallas), Omar has taken up residency in Albuquerque, and he can almost smell that border. Make sure to catch Omar before the man catches him, Tuesdays at 2:41 am.
Make Way for Noddy
-When we say slapstick, we mean it, literally. Washed up comedian Barry Howser has hit rock bottom and he'll do anything for a laugh these days. Mostly sneaking up on crowds of people with a banana in his pants replicating a public boner, Barry's last days in the sun are dwindling fast and so is this series. Tune in on Wednesdays at 3:27 am.
Consuelo Mack, Wealth Track
-Need advise on how to diversify a stock portfolio? Want to be in the know on the newest and hottest initial public offerings? Well too bad because Mr. Consuelo has only one track to success and that's the fast one. Specializing in junk bonds grade BB and lower, Mr. Mack's greasy hair and two piece suit approach to finance will give you a first class ticket aboard the quickest locomotive on the Wealth track. Grab a pen and take notes Wednesdays at 5:18 am.
Vets in Practice-What do you get when a group of inexperienced veterinarians set up shop in a small town full of sick animals? You get what you'd pretty much expect, a lot of chances to save a pet's life without the proper no-how to complete the task. Watch Billy cry as Dr. Jenkins breaks the news that he and his staff couldn't save old Benji from that broken leg. Tune in for all the high jinks, Thursdays at 11:58pm.
Preserving the Legacy
-Rob Smolquist, a middle aged gym teacher, wants to pass the glory, that led him to three straight high school basketball scoring titles, on to his son Moe. But in this case, father isn't like son, and son's not like father. Rob wants Moe to learn the importance of a good drop step, while all Moe wants to do is eat paste and collect Pokeman cards. Watch Rob blow his lid with frustration, Thursdays at 1:12am.
GED Connection
-Make sure to get in on this informal round table discussion featuring a panel made up entirely out of out-of-work people with a high school equivalent education. Anything goes, no topics go untouched while a few get beaten to death. Popular topics include, "Why I ain't got no job?" "Who be feedin my kids?", and "I heard he got a job" The drama is real and so are the shattered dreams. This show makes that community college associates degree shine bright as gold. Check it out, Fridays at 4:15 am.
Dealing with Diversity
-This old fashioned community known as Whitefish Bay can feel the walls of diversity closing in on them and they don't like it. This knowingly racist community embraces change the way Jessica Simpson embraces common sense. When Jamaal, a kid from the wrong side of the river decides to grab a bite to eat at Jim's diner, the city raises its collective eyebrow. Tune in this week when Pedro goes to the super market and realizes he's not in Kansas anymore, Fridays at 2:30 am.
Speaking with Confidence
-This shameless series takes a double-mirrored look into the world of speech therapy. Chuckle along as patients of doctor Gus Sellnick try to spit out words even the most retarded of people can pronounce. Speech impediment is no laughing matter, unless you're on the outside looking in, then I guess it is pretty damn funny. T-t-t-t-tune in on Saturday mornings at 3:37 am.
Also, the GED connection is quite an interesting show. Coincidently many of the panel members have come to me looking for work, and when I ask them if they can pass a drug test today, most of them say they can't. The others, I just can't find work for some of these idiots.
Two young Midwestern lads really get after when they invest in a barrel of whiskey in their apartment. See them sin their way across the left coast on Tuesday nights at 7:00p.m.
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