Monday, October 17, 2005
Draft #8
I never claimed to be a doctor of love, but I'm always willing to lend a helping hand to those in need. Many of us out there, when faced with a lovely lady and the prospect of a wild evening, just can't find the right words to say. Most guys just utter out random sentence fragments, drool a little, and it's back to the bench after yet another strikeout. Well those days are long over thanks to my "Guaranteed to Score" one-liners. My crack staff and I have developed a rolodex of feathery smooth phrases that are sure to remove that strangers panties in a heartbeat. Here's a sample of what we'd like to refer to as verbal gold.
"Hey baby, something tells me those love handles are going to come in handy tonight"
"Wow, you sure do talk a lot, what do you say we use that mouth of yours for something good?"
"Forget ballroom, tap, jazz, and swing, my kind of dancing doesn't require shoes, although we're still gunna sweat"
"My friend and I think you might have large nipples, wunna prove us wrong?"
"It's true, I have had a lot of ladies, but you'd be the first with red hair"
"This may be the booze talking, but you look mildly breathtaking tonight"
"Hey, my mom uses the same bleach on her mustache"
"I'm a lot like the mechanical horsey in front of the K-mart, I only cost a quarter and the ride last two minutes"
"I've already eaten out tonight, but I've got nothing against seconds"
"Those earrings really bring out that giant rack of yours"
"Either you have really pretty eyes, or I'm just catching my reflection"
"I like doing it in the dark, and I've got a feeling you do to"
"My mom's out of town and my dad won't be home till midnight"
"Remember slip and slides? Well I'm looking for a lawn to lay mine on"
"Hi, my name is "blank" and I wouldn't even care if you faked it"
"If you're not on the rag, I'd like to buy you a drink"
"I can tell by the way you smoke that you're used to handling things that are hot and four inches long"
"The best things in life are free, but I got the feeling you come with an hourly fee"
"My pyschiatrist says I should try doing new things, and you look new to me"
"Can you help me? I'm conducting an experiment to see which is bigger, my hand or your boobie?"
"Yours looks like an ass worth saddling, mind if I ride?"
There you have it folks, if you can't take a lady home using of these lines, then there's simply no hope for you because this product is full proof. If after three months, you haven't found success using one of our lines, we'll refund 25% of your money and send you a free T-shirt. There is no limit to buy, and you can cancel anytime. Verbal silver coming in spring.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 11:21 AM 
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Again, nothing but brilliance being spewed from the fingertips of one of west bend's most appealing sons. Outstanding work. I opened and read this in front of a female co-worker. She thought many of them were good and a few were absolutely horrible, so you know you've got gold here. Can I buy a tee shirt with one of those printed on it?
I think the question on everybody's mind is, "Does this female co-worker have large nipples?" "And is there anything else I could do to make myself look more like a pervert?" Nate, thanks for the love and as soon as I figure out how to convert print to T-shirt, it's all yours.
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