Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Draft #9
I was watching a commercial for a law firm the other day, and thought, wow, that was a crappy advertisement. I can't quite remember the name of the firm so just for reference, we'll refer to them as Michael Hupy & Associates. The commercial started out with a lesser known firm that has just received a new case. Again for the sake of the story we'll say a girl got hit by a car and they have to represent the driver. The head of the lesser known firm is shown leaning back in his chair with his arms behind his head exuding supreme confidence. "Ah, we'll just throw Suzie a couple of lolly pops and a few My Little Pony band-aids, and this whole thing will be behind us before you can say swizzle sticks." A female lawyer, after hearing this confident proclamation, stared seriously into the arrogant lawyer's eyes and said, "Not so fast, Suzie's parents hired Michael Hupy & Associates." Almost everybody in the office immediately stopped what they were doing and silence filled the air. The head lawyer threw his pencil on his desk and layed his head in his hands in total disgust. "We're screwed, totally f-in screwed." After Michael Hupy & Associates name was mentioned, all of sudden the head lawyer's tie was undone a bit and his hair became disheveled. The smell of defeat had filled the room and the white flag had been drawn.
I guess the moral of this commercial is to let people know that Michael Hupy & Associates is a force to be reckoned with. Apparently such a powerful force, that a firm should just lay down and assume defeat when opposing MH&A in a case. If MH&A is such a dominant player in the field of personal injury cases, I thought I would volunteer to head this firm's expansion efforts into other areas of law. Michael Hupy is obviously a strong brand name that breeds success and the following is an advertisement I came up with to get them on the right track.
Each advertisement will feature Michael Hupy himself, standing in front of the camera, urging the masses to contact his firm if you find yourself in the following situations.
Divorce Cases
Hi, I'm Michael Hupy. Are you in a marriage that is absolutely going nowhere? Does the wife seemingly control your every move? Are you sometimes afraid to make a move in fear of painful retaliation? Are you always wishing you could be with that hot little number across the street, but the old ball and chain would never allow it? Have you not seen your friends in years because they are afraid of your wife? Does your wife spend way too much of your money on crap you don't even need? Is the wife a little too friendly with the mailman, I mean after all, that last delivery was nothing but bills. Has your wife completely turned cold, and hasn't turned a trick in your direction for what feels likes months, maybe even years? Are your kids a bunch of little bastards that do nothing but annoy you? Do you sometimes find yourself wondering how these little bastards are even yours? Have you ever found yourself running down the middle of the street screaming and pulling at your hair wishing oncoming traffic would just take you away, away from the distress on an unhappy marriage? If you've found yourself asking any of these questions, then maybe it's time you gave Michael Hupy & Associates a call. If you've avoided divorce for years because you are afraid she'll end up with half of what you own or even more, then it's time to stop wasting your life. Michael Hupy & Associates never loses a case and we can guarantee that you will walk away with your car, house, savings, no kids, and your dignity. So leave that bag behind and regain a new state of mind by calling Michael Hupy & Associates at 1-800-MHUPYASS.
Criminal Cases
Hi, I'm Michael Hupy. Many times in our lives we find ourselves wondering what did I just do? We're staring our lowest moments right in the face and there's nowhere to turn. It's moments like these, you should call Michael Hupy & Associates. Whether you've stabbed a bus load of passengers or accidently shot your neighbor in the head, you'll have the comfort of knowing that the winning team is on your side. Criminal charges are a serious matter, and we aim to help you out of any kind of pickle that's been thrown on your lap whether you are responsible or not. Have you recently been charged with breaking and entering? Did your company accuse you of embezzling thousands of dollars from an account that doesn't even exist? We here at Michael Hupy & Associates don't think you are the kind of person that would do these types of things and we are ready to convince a jury of your peers of the very same thing. How were you supposed to know that operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol was a crime? You attended an inner city public school and your parents were alcoholics, how........were you........ supposed to know? It was a crime the way you were treated, it was a crime that you were put into those circumstances, and it was a crime that you weren't properly warned of the ensuing pitfalls. But........What you actually did, that..............was NOT a crime. Call 1-800-MHUPYASS and you'll be happy you did.
Immigration issues
Hi, I'm Michael Hupy. It's no secret that this fair country of ours is swarming with illegal immigrants. These aliens are taking our low paying jobs that consist mostly of manual labor, while Johnny Apple Pie is roaming the streets begging for food, sex, and shelter. Here at Michael Hupy & Associates, we encourage you to take a look around, soak in your surroundings, because foreign nationals are everywhere. They are scooping OUR ice cream and cleaning OUR toilets. Perhaps they have manipulated their way to a comfortable mid-level management position thanks to equal opportunity laws. In any event, please help Michael Hupy & Associates rid our country of foreign nationals. Point, squeal, blow the whistle, whatever you have to do to help. And remember, illegal immigration doesn't just hurt you, it hurts all of us. That's why we've offered to send you a free magnet/bottle opener for every alien you report. Michael Hupy & Associates are committed to unloading the free loaders and we thank you in advance for your assistance. To help, call 1-800-MHUPYASS.
(I have no idea where I was going with this last one)
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