Friday, November 04, 2005
Draft #14
Now I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be admitting this, but I was watching some soft core porn on Cinemax recently like any red blooded American, who just received three free months of access to this kind of programming, would do. This particular episode featured an Asian girl who was having trouble finding a decent guy. She shagged three different guys on three consecutive Fridays, but as luck would have it, none of them turned out to be prince charming. The first guy went home immediately after the act, claiming that he had to be home by 1:00 am or else is mother would get worried (Which is not a bad line to use if you're looking for an excuse to leave. Once she hears that, she'll think you're a loser and you'll be free to go). The second guy was married and the third guy was the reason for this entry. This third guy we'll refer to as Jason, and he reminded me of the guy on Saved by the Bell who was Kelly's manager at the Max. He and Kelly started dating, he was older than her, and something went wrong, don't quite remember. Jeff is the fellow on the left in the picture, his real name is Patrick Muldoon, not that it matters or anything, just using him to give you a visual of what Jason from the porno looked like. The Asian girl in the porn doesn't need a visual, she's Asian with big boobs and long legs (I can get away with saying that because my half third cousin knew someone who dated an Asian person so I can get away with the "they all look the same to me" line)
Although as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to grow very curious as to who this Ron guy is. He must be some sort of retarted photographer to the stars. Ron seems like the kind of guy at the party you can tell to go put is wanker in the bean dip, and he'll do it without blinking. That seems like a very friendly way to sign an autograph. I probably would have gone with, "Ron, keep those pants on buddy" -Patrick Muldoon, or "Ron, try knocking first" -PM, or maybe even, "Ron, I didn't know it was possible to make your own toothpaste" -PM.
Anyway, back to the porno. The Asian girl was in a slump and her friend decided to give her a coupon to an online dating service. So Mishu (again, the cousin, I have the right to give her an Asian sounding name because it's OK) decides to accept and as she's browsing (while eating a banana), she notices a familiar face from her high school days. This familiar face turns out to be Jason, the most arrogant man on the planet. Of course she clicks on his bio and all of a sudden he's at her door within minutes (accurate time of travel isn't too important in the porno industry, there's only so much time in a film and the audience wants the most humping for their dollar). So Mishu and Jason exchanged pleasantries for all of two minutes, Jason tells her, he always knew she wanted him and next thing you know, it's time to hump in the doorway. So Jason finishes up, and is on his way out just like the two guys before him.
Somehow Mishu convinces Jason to go on another date, and Jason shows up to the apartment ready to take his tie off after a long day at work. Mishu becomes upset and has a look on her face like, "You know the rules buddy, sex on the first date, dinner and sex on the next." Very classy that Mishu. So Jason's like, "I thought we'd just stay in and order Chinese." Mishu wasn't having any of that, as Jason is groping her. So unwillingly, Jason agrees to take Mishu out. But before the two leave, some interesting dialogue takes place.
Jason: You were pretty smart in high school, I thought you would have had a house by now or something.
Mishu: I've been saving up, I'm doing all right.
Jason: Yeah, I guess things don't work out for everybody. (He goes on about how successful he is, and how he knew she allows wanted him) Although I was surprised to hear from you, not having any luck with the guys?
Mishu: (feeling two inches tall) I guess not, it's nice to see you again though. Would you like anything to drink?
Jason: Yeah, do you have any single malt scotch?
Mishu: No, just beer and wine.
Jason: That figures, just forget it then, let's just go.
So the next scene has the two "love birds" sitting at their table in the restaurant.
Jason: I gave the maitre d' twenty dollars and this is the table he gives us? This is completely lousy.
Mishu: (starts flapping her trap about how the table isn't that bad when Jason interrupts)
Jason: (Whips out cell phone) Johnson, I want you staying late to redo that presentation, it's absolute crap! (slams down cellphone, and I personally couldn't believe that was the extent of that conversation)
So the waiter comes by and they order their drinks. Jason getting his signature single malt scotch, while Mishu orders some wine.
Jason: (spits out scotch in front of waiter) Hey, this isn't single malted, I ordered a single malt scotch! I"m not paying eight dollars for this crap!
Waiter: Absolutely not sir, you're paying ten dollars for it.
Mishu laughs and next thing you know she is back at her apartment stripping in front of the waiter who is about to be screw number four.
So to those of you out there, that say there's nothing good on TV anymore, may I submit exhibit A.
T-shirt slogan: "Drink rum till you're numb"
# posted by hucklebuck @ 10:31 AM 
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I don't think so, but you have to respect a man that can sniff out whether his scotch is single malt or not.
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