Monday, November 07, 2005
Draft #15
We've all heard of fortune cookies, right? We'll I'd like it, if someone came up with a line of "Misfortune cookies". Fortune cookies are such a crock of bologna, and anyone who's lived on this planet long enough will be able to tell you. Life rarely hands you a fair deal, in fact, it will usually hand you more blows to the crotch than is physically possible to take. So all you people at the fortune cookie factory can stop warning me about all this good stuff that is heading my way because I'm not buying it! And maybe I'm being a little too pessimistic here, but come on, how many times will they get my hopes up, only to bash them back down with empty broken promises? Well enough is enough, and here are a few samples of some of the misfortunes I'd like to be warned about because it's about time the fortune cookie people started giving me some useful, practical, preventative advice on things that might actually happen to me.
Misfortunes Inc.
-You will drink heavily and awake in a strange place with your pants in an unknown part of town.
-The next girl you meet will be a man, and you will find out the hard way.
-That rash you are worried about is not a rash.
-Due to your homely facial features, you will die alone.
-Your 812th cigarette from now will be your last.
-Due to years of working in front of a computer, your genitals will be rendered useless, and reproduction will no longer be an option.
-They have photos of what you did, and soon you will be ruined.
-If you build it, they won't come. In fact, the funds it took to build it, will leave you bankrupt and looking for new employment.
-Your wife is a slut and the following people, besides you, are aware of it. Her old boyfriend, your best friend, your brother, mother, sister, mailman, and local governing authorities.
-Your home is currently in flames.
-Condoms and promises break, get yourself tested.
-Your inability to swim will lead to your eventual drowning.
-Quick tongue lead to fat lip.
-Monkey see, monkey do, thanks to your girlfriend's recent religious experience, your nuts will turn blue.
-That shooting pain in your finger is most likely fatal.
-Happy dream, wet bed, courtesy of, your uncle Fred.
-Hard on the outside, soft in the middle, once your done, you'll find it difficult to piddle.
-Hitch hiking, trucker dyking, your next ride will not be free.
-You fight like girl and this will lead to next bloody nose.
-Your boring personality will cause you to not be invited to the next company gathering.
-You currently reside in Montana.
-You've just won tickets to a WNBA game of your choice!
-In a few years, you will walk with a limp, and this will serve as a foreshadowing to your next misfortune.
-Your lifesize poster of Mr. Rogers will scare away your next potential lay.
-Joe Dimaggio had his 56 game hit streak, and you have your underwear.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 12:12 PM 
Comments:
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Screw you, screw all of ya, I quit! I don't need this kind of blatant ignorance! You've all gotten too big for your britches? I'm out, fineto, finished, no mas! Bust my hump, for what? Ungreatful sacks of crap, you can all lick my bag, every last one ya. Throw a dog a bone, for cryin out loud. Meltdown in aisle four.
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