Monday, November 21, 2005
Draft #18
This past weekend was T's birthday celebration. The football team reserved a couple of suites at the Residence Inn, in anticipation for the alcohol abuse that would follow our big third place game. A few of the team members arrived to the 1pm game with a slight buzz, and perhaps that would explain the 23-7 hole we found ourselves in at halftime. After soaking up some more "refreshments" at the half, we were ready for some mo football. The second half was highlighted by a girl on the opposing team. After dropping a pass, she fell to the ground where her pants managed to fall down her legs to about mid thigh, thus exposing her thong. Now there were two elements that made this play special. A) The girl was a young attractive female, and B) the thong this girl was wearing closely resembled the stuff I use to floss my teeth, if and when I choose to do so. My first reaction to seeing the girl's ass was, "Whoa"! The opposing receiver noticed that I had noticed, and he was like "Yeah!" The guy could have been the girls boyfriend, but I doubt it, it would take more than what he's got, to handle an ass like that. Our defense put the hammer down in the second half, intercepting three passes, and setting up the offense with some decent field position. The Refugees, as we are referred to, ended up winning the game by a touchdown, securing the third place crown.
After visiting the team sponsor, Fitzgibbon's, for greasy food and cold beer, it was time to head back to the hotel for more of the same. Nothing too spectacular happened that night. The next morning though, I had a dirty trick played on me by a guy, who the night before, managed to get a girl's number despite having a boogie hanging from his schnoz. The booger man, as he is now referred to, decided that it would be cool to drop ass just before boarding an elevator. My brother and two other individuals (who didn't know about the present booger man had just dropped) were in the elevator with him, holding the door, waiting for me to get in. I politely explained that I would wait for the next elevator (I couldn't see a reason why I would volunteer to stand in that stench for six flights). So I took the stairs and when I arrived to the room I noticed that my brother and booger man were laughing it up and having a good time. As it turns out, the two other guys in the elevator noticed the stench as well, and booger man pinned the whole thing on me, citing that my farting was the reason I didn't get on the elevator. Besides that, being a rotten thing to do, how dumb were those two other guys in the elevator to think that a fart could be so potent that it could be passed on the lobby floor, attach to the nearest person, and follow that person up six stories. It was a shame that booger man couldn't fess up to his crime, and even a greater shame, that he had to pass the blame on to an innocent bystander. Shame on you booger man, shame on you.
While we were checking in, I noticed the hotel had a "no party" policy. I rather enjoyed the looks my brother was gettting as he came strolling in with a bottle of Jack in one hand and case of cola in the other. The other ten of us were carrying similar items along with blankets, sleeping bags, and pillows. I'm not sure what else we could have done to signify that we were indeed planning on partying. I guess the only thing that would be more blatant than what we did, is to come waltzing in with electric guitars hanging from our chest and a drum set dragging behind. Granted we're far from hardcore, but we did break the rules, and for a guy who generally breaks a sweat just considering the thought of jaywalking, this was a very "on the edge" type experience. Just knowing a guy with a flashlight could have knocked down our doors, and shit on our parade, had me feeling a bit like James Dean or something. I'm sure if Johnny-flashlight tried to break up the party, I would have stepped to the forefront, tossed my cigarette aside, looked that stiff in the face, and told him to sit on it patsie, this don't concern you. I would have proceeded to give him some ideas as to what he could do with his flashlight, then calmly remind him to make sure to check in with his mama, before I tuck him in for the night. That scenario never played out, but the others were lucky I was around just in case. Never mind the fact that I passed out around 10:30 or 11:00, that doesn't make me any less of a hard ass, I came to, in time to see USC intercept a pass in the endzone against Fresno State to clinch the game, and I'm convinced that the Packers should throw every game for the rest of the season just to get their hands on some Bush. This Bush may have some miles on it, but any Bush is good Bush when you're sitting in the cellar.
I would just like to leave you with some holiday tips to help make your Thanksgiving an enjoyable one.
10. Paper plates. If you don't have any, then refuse to wash the dishes, tell the women pecking in your ear that the pilgrams didn't wash dishes.
9. Make sure to eat seconds, maybe thirds, or whatever it takes to break your normal threshold.
8. Assuming step nine was completed, then the nap that follows will be extra sweet.
7. Drink plenty of wine. Drowns out unwanted conversation from unwelcome family members, and makes bad food taste marginally acceptable.
6. Remove that belt and watch as much football as possible. Placing bets with family members tends to sweetin the action.
5. Pumpkin pie is out, pumpkin cheesecake pie is in. If you've never had it, tell the maid, soup kitchen, mom, grandma, or the wife, to get on it.
4. Gravy is the solution to all things sweet, bitter, dry, and unappealing to the eye. Slather it on.
3. Two words, stretchy pants.
2. If there is snow on the ground, nothing beats a good old fashioned game of toss the snowball in the gutter on the fly from thirty yards away.
1. If you find yourself in a situation where everybody has to say what they are thankful for, here's a few suggestions in case you can't think of anything.
- Thank God we have plenty of wine -I'm thankful for Bush's new tax reform program -I'm thankful for another year of (fill in the blank with the name of oldest aunt/uncle in the family, or whoever is closest to death) -I'm thankful for Glade air spray (while looking directly at the person who recently stanked up the bathroom with a nasty number two) -I'm thankful for the rise and eventual fall of communism (should leave them scratching their heads) - I love lamp -I'm thankful for the good people who make Coolwhip, God knows they've been helping to mask your mother's "famous" apple pie for years -I'm thankful for the judicial system because without it, we'd all just be a bunch of monkies tossing feces at each other -I'm thankful this just ain't a pretty face -I'm thankful for aunt Mildred's ingenuity, her mustard and Cheetos stuffing was absolutely delightful.
Have a great Thanksgiving and remember to put some sugar on that gravy baby!
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