Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Draft #19
When you think of Christmas, eventually the image of jolly old Santa Claus pops into your head, and the same could be said for the Easter Bunny when thinking of Easter. But what about Thanksgiving? Is there a fictitious character for this popular holiday? I can't seem to think of any off hand. There is the whole pilgrams and indians thing, but I don't see any chocolate versions of these characters being sold during the holidays, so they do not count. Whether there was such a thing as indians and pilgrams, well.......... we'll let the bureaucrats decide that one. For now, we'll just focus our efforts on finding a true Thanksgiving mascot. An icon that can span the next few centuries as the real face of the spirit of the holiday.
Lets face it folks, times have changed. The days of giving thanks and sharing with friends and family have long since died. We as people appreciate very little and are always searching for ways to get our hands on more. Now you may be thinking to yourself, not me, I always gather with family on Thanksgiving and we share recipes, hugs, and smiles, and the like. While that may be true, there is also a good chance that you can be found delivering one of your famous forearm shivers to unsuspecting shoppers at Walmart at 5am the next morning just so you can get your hands on that anniversary edition of Battleship. And again, you might be saying, no, still not me, I'm thankful and always avoid department stores the morning after Thanksgiving. And that also may be the truth, but perhaps you are that jealous sister or brother that can't stand seeing your siblings on the holidays because of your massive inferiority complex, always checking out what they are driving, wearing, or cooking, and comparing it to yourself. You can't enjoy the moment because you're already wondering how you are going to top them at next years gathering.
So we are a selfish people, it's human nature, no need to fight it. I believe our new character should embody that spirit of our current generation. Along with that spirit, two other elements need to be addressed. A good holiday character needs a patented gift to deliver to all the boys and girls of this fair land and a patented way of delivering it. Santa delivers presents at night through the chimney and the Easter Bunny some how drops off baskets of candy to your house while you're at church, never quite grasped that whole phenomenon (Do rabbits have thumbs?). Anyway, the turkey will be hard to phase out as a symbol, so we might have to brainstorm some name ideas for a turkey character. Gobbles the turkey, Turkey Tyrone, oh I got it, Turk the Jerk. Turk will be a spokesperson for all the holiday haters out there that just try to make it through the holidays like it were a dance recital they were forced to attend. Everyone knows somebody like that, right?
So here's the finished, not so thought through product. Our character will be named Turk the Thanksgiving Jerk (Turk the Jerk for short). Kids, you get Santa, the Easter bunny, St. Nick, birthdays, and summers off, you get enough, this is for all you disgruntled, most likely single, grownups out there that almost vomit with the very mention of the holiday season. So TJ's (even shorter nickname) calling card will be to take a taxi around town, (since the man revoked his license for drunk driving) stopping at all the houses of those with no Thanksgiving spirit. These spirit-less bastards are then instructed to leave an unpaid bill underneath their front door and TJ will come by at night and stamp it with his magic turkey leg, thus comping the whole bill. Those of you who enjoy the regular time honored tradition of Thanksgiving, please continue to do so, but for those of us without a family to come home to, or if you do, are just simply not welcome, then may Turk the Jerk make all of your Thanksgiving dreams come true! The taxi bill will then be divided among all of the managers who never seem to have to work two days before and two days after the holiday, while we're slaving away picking up the slack.
Well that's all for today boys and girls, mom wants me to have my Christmas list made out before I come home for Thanksgiving, so I better get started!
