Friday, December 09, 2005
Draft #26
Well the bad news is, you've just been convicted of first degree murder. You'll probably spend some time on death row, desperately trying to protect your precious backside from harms way. And unfortunately, you can't keep fighting off the bad men, and the next thing you know, you've been given the name sweet cheeks and you're currently in an exclusive relationship with an extremely large man who goes by the name of Bruce. Days slowly pass and not a single one goes by without you thinking through the various ways you might be executed by the man. But whether it's the chair, gas chamber, or lethal injection, there is at least one bit of good news on the horizon. Not everybody knows the exact moment they are going to die, and before you do, you will be treated to a bountiful feast fit for a king! In general, most people install what is commonly referred to as "limits" towards the amount of food one will allow themselves to eat in a single meal or perhaps even in an entire day. Some people, commonly referred to as fat or obese, have in most cases voluntarily decided to throw caution or limits to the wind and feverishly consume mass quantities of food while laughing in the face of consequence. But you, the convicted felon, now have the gift of no tomorrow. You can pig out on whatever you wish and do not have to deal with the ramifications that tomorrow might otherwise bring. No feelings of "what did I do?" or "Now I have to run that extra mile or two." You can set that conscience aside and just let it ride! Put the hammer down and crash the buffet!
But what will your buffet consist of? You literally have the world as your personal buffet and the man is picking up the tab before he sends you on your merry way. I have actually spent a fair amount of time thinking about what would be on the table for my final dinner. This isn't to say that I have plans of committing first degree murder, this is just one of those hypothetical situations ala the "if I had a million dollars" scenario.
When dealing with the prospect of eating a large quantity of food, it is import to diversify your food choices. It is sad how many times a death-rower bellies up to the table for his last meal and starts chowing down on a whole pizza because pizza was their favorite food. And sure enough, around slices five through seven, the taste of pizza starts to weigh heavy on the tongue and they cannot eat another bite. They don't necessarily feel full, but they've hit the point of no return and now they're frustrated their last meal didn't turn out the way they planned, and now it's on to the electric chair without having reached their full-on glutton potential. It's a hard lesson to learn when their is no second chance to rectify the mistake.
Being from Wisconsin, my final meal would have to include a heavy amount of cheese. In fact, my goal would be to hopefully have my arteries shut down before they could get their hands on me. The beverage of choice would have to be an ice cold Miller Genuine Draft, another fine Wisconsin product. The main dish really can't be described as such because it is basically a spread of fast food entree's. The first item on the board would be a large slice of stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut with pepporoni, mushroom, green pepper, sausage, and black olive for toppings. Next up is a grilled stuffed burrito from Taco Bell with beef and no beans. This becomes a critical point of the last meal. If item three were to be something of the same genre, ie a hot, greasy fast food item, then my buds may start rejecting the taste and the whole system might shut down. So that is why section three will include a pre-dessert, dessert. And nothing wipes that palate clean quite like an oreo mint blizzard from Dairy Queen, and since I'm going to die, may as well make it a medium (had this been a typical weekend splurge, I would have opted for the small and the meal would have ended there). Entree number four, a foot long hot dog with half warm nacho cheese and half secret stadium sauce, pickle chips and jalapenos lining the top, easy on the jalapenos, looking for a little kick, nothing too fiery. Numero cinco, lobster, not the whole thing, just enough to give me a taste (I've never had lobster). This may turn out to be a risky move, trying something new during your last meal could be devastating if you don't like what you're sampling. But given enough melted butter and lemon, I wouldn't anticipate lobster ruining the festivities. You guessed it, time for a change of pace again and thy name is turtle sundae cheesecake with a splash of milk to help wash it down the old gullet.
At this point you may begin to feel full, but remember what your options are, you could continue to stuff your face, or..........you can say hello to the grim reaper, your choice. I'm plugging on, with item seven, a double cheeseburger from McDonalds. The grease will help it slide down easily, just remember to chew, the stomach is starting to run out of real estate. I'm beginning to run out of entree's to think of, so from here on out I will take the sweet n' salty combination as far as it will take me. I will alternate swigs from my frosty A&W root beer float (in a glass mug of course) with bites from my bowl of restaurant style torilla chips with warm nacho cheese. At this point, every bite I take, I'm staring down the prison guard for motivation. I'm not going down without a fight, or without putting on a show. I will die a respected man, despite the fact I murdered a man for not letting go a my Eggo. (Did you notice cheese, butter, milk were apart of almost every item? Dairy farmers everywhere will shed a tear for me)
The honorable mention squad for last meal items; sub sandwich, chicken parmesan, wonton mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce, Reece's peanut butter cup, spaghetti n' meatballs, McGriddle sandwich, hashbrowns, and oranged glazed breaded chicken.
Did you know? A loyal Larry Bird fan, when sentenced to 30 years of prison time, requested that the sentence be increased to 33 years in honor of the living legend. Now that's a fan!
-none (way to show them, complete 180 from my approach)
-assorted bag of jolly ranchers
-jar of dill pickles
-pot of coffee
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