Friday, December 16, 2005
Draft #30
It's time to take a seat and listen to old man Withersby rant about things he either dislikes or doesn't understand.
Oh, you better believe I don't like brussels sprouts. They belong to the mustard family you know. And I don't like cabbage. The nurses try to feed us that on Wednesdays and I tell them to keep it away from me, but they don't listen. "Shut up and eat your cabbage" they tell me. I tell them I don't have to eat the cabbage, but then they lock me in the closet, so I just eat the cabbage now. I don't like being locked in the closet. It's cold, dark, and scary. Oh they let me out alright, and I've usually got a surprise waiting for them. And I'll let you in on a little secret, the surprise usually doesn't smell like daisy's. Maybe that's why I don't like being locked in closets, it gets pretty messy in there. The nurses have to give me a bath, and I don't like it. They sponge too hard, and it makes my skin itch. I tell them to take it easy, hey, but they don't, they just keep scrubbing.
What? Huh? No, I don't like summer, it's too hot outside and the birds get too loud in the morning. I like to sleep. My roommate Ralph is always up early whistling with those damn birds and I don't like it. I tell him to shut his trap, but he doesn't, he just keeps a whistling like I was dead or something. Ralph is a real ass I tell ya. He knows I watch the Andy Griffith show at 4pm and he took the remote and turned on the football game. I don't understand football, too complicated. It was the episode where Andy caught Opie stealing Moon Pies from Anderson's drug store. I stole shoe polish when I was a youngin and my papa whooped me good for it to. And this wasn't one of those Disney spankings you see on the TV, this was one of those whoopings that leave you shaking in the corner of the barn for a few hours. Boy, papa sure had a sturdy belt. Forgot my name after one of his whoopings once, and let me tell you what, I never messed around with the chicken coop again. Kids these days have to be told twice, and I don't like it. Miserable brats!
Yeah, Leonard died a couple weeks ago there, he had that bronchitis. I heard he was coughing green. He lived down the hall, but I never talked to the fellow. He was a really good Bingo player though. I don't like Bingo, they make us go down there on Thursdays, or is it Mondays, who knows, but it's really crowded. Leo would play five cards at a time, and I don't like that. I only played the two cards, never more than two. Anything beyond two, and you're just there to show off for the dames. Not that Leo was really impressing anybody with that nose of his, looks more like a beak if you ask me. Anyway, the carpets down there are really clean and I heard they use one of them Hoover vacuums, but I don't care much for Hoover. Back when I lived with Margie, we had that, that, that, Oreck vacuum, the one that could lift the bowling balls. They don't make em like that anymore. No, no they don't.
Ralph and I were watching that millionaire show on TV yesterday and he got one of the easy questions wrong. After the first three questions, I don't understand one thing they're talking about, so I like the first questions best. Oh, what was that question about, it was really easy, the back end of a horse could a scratched that one out somehow. Ralph's really loud, so he shouts the answers out first like a shmuck, ugh, can't stand it when he does that all the time like that. Anyway, it was about something, like with the farm. It was asking about animals and noises I think. Or was it about crop rotations? I don't remember. Like I was saying, sometimes during Christmas like this, the kids from the school come here and they roll us out to the lounge area, and they sing these songs to us. I don't like these kids, most of them don't sing very well and they look at us like we've got jello on our heads. They laugh at us and some even point when Johnny falls asleep in his chair. He can't help it, he's got bad kidneys. Anyway, it's almost 8:30 so I'm going to hit the hay. And next time you do an interview sonny, tuck in your shirt, you look like a bumb!
# posted by hucklebuck @ 1:42 PM 
