Monday, January 09, 2006
Draft #38
Part of me wishes I was old enough to enjoy the true genious this modern day version of the Odd Couple had to offer, but sadly enough I probably watched Perfect Strangers as a ten year old just to snicker at Larry's angry face whenever Balki pulled one of his pranks, like sitting on the couch upside down while singing the star-spangled banner in broken English.
I sat down for a moment to interview Mark Linn Baker, the actor most famous for his portrayal of Larry Appleton on the show. Perfect Strangers was on the air from 1986 till 1993. Many of it's backstage rumors never have been resolved to this day, and hopefully with the help of Mark, we'll get to the bottom of what actually went on during the rollar coaster ride that was, one of the greatest sitcoms of its era.
Hucklebuck: First of all, one of the biggest rumors surrounding the show was the sexuality of your co-star, Bronson Pinchot the lovable Balki. Was he or was he not, homosexual?
Mark: That was the question many of us on the show were trying to figure out. Afterall, Bronson is French so his natural demeanor was a bit on the fruity side. I guess I became very suspicious sometime around season three I believe. We were in a cast meeting and Bronson announced to the writers that he would be comfortable in any gay or homo-erotic situations that his character Balki might find himself in during future episodes if that was an avenue the writers were thinking of taking. We all kind of looked at each other from across the table in a daze with our mouths wide open like holy crap, did he just say that? And you have to understand, you didn't just go around saying stuff like that in those days, look what it did to Ellen's career when she came out at first.
Hucklebuck: Well that wouldn't necessarily make Bronson a homosexual, after all, he's an actor, that's what actors do, they pretend to be things they really aren't.
Mark: That's true, but not a lot of actors, straight actors, will go out of their way to volunteer themselves for that kind of a role, willingly.
Hucklebuck: Touche Mr. Baker, touche. Obviously, Bronson's suggestion peaked the curiosity of your fellow actors, but to this day do you actually know the definitive sexual preference of Bronson?
Mark: I would just like to state that Bronson never made one sexual advance towards me. Having said that though, Bronson is as gay as a maypole. The guy knits doilies in his freetime. He drives a pink Geo Metro for crying out loud.
Hucklebuck: When did you first realize, without doubt, that Bronson was indeed homosexual?
Mark: I'm not sure I should be telling you this, it's a little graphic.
Hucklebuck: Mark, you are a struggling actor who's done nothing of significance in over a decade. It's been reported that you lived in a local YMCA for almost two years before you could find a job that could provide you with efficient shelter. So we can stop the interview right now and I can tear up the $2,000 check we just gave you, or you can be a good little man, and spill the beans, what's it gunna be?
Mark: A-----ll right! But I would just like the public to know how much of a miserable bastard you really are.
Hucklebuck: Fair enough
Mark: Bronson, if you're watching this, I'm sorry, I never meant to do this. I'm desperate and I could really use the exposure. You understand, don't ya buddy? I've been watching you on the Surreal Life, and I'm just swelled with jealousy. I figured if Jose Canseco can make himself famous again by knocking other people down, why can't I?
Hucklebuck: Stop babbling and get to the point Mark.
Mark: Well, we were in the middle of rehearsal and the director told us to take five. I went to my dressing room to relax and receive a quick massage from my personal assistant. Bronson kept slipping up on one of his lines before the break and I thought of some advice to give him during the massage to help out. So I left my room to head over to see Bronson and I knocked on his dressing room door a couple times and he didn't answer. Now usually, you're not allowed to enter another actor's dressing quarters without permission, but I'm Mark Linn Baker damn it, the star of the show and I had my own set of rules. And what I saw next, was so despicable, I gasped for air and nearly fainted. Bronson had actor Jo Payton bent over and the two were going at it like beavers in heat. For those of you not familiar with Mr. Payton's work, he played the role of Harriette Winslow, the elevator operator at the building that Larry and Balki worked in. I believe Jo had his character Harriette spun into another series after we were cancelled, I think it was called Family Crackers or Jamboree Matters, something like that, not really sure. Anyway, from that moment forward I was sworn to keep what I saw in Bronson's dressing room a secret, but now the silence is broken and I'm sure Bronson will never speak to me again.
Hucklebuck: This Jo Payton you are referring to, is his full name Jo Marie Payton-France?
Mark: Yeah, that's him, I guess the cat's out the bag on him being gay.
Hucklebuck: Didn't you think it was odd, that you had a male actor on your show who's character's name was Harriette?
Mark: Now that you mention it, it does seem kind of awkward. But it was the 80's, those were crazy times man.
Hucklebuck: (rolling eyes and shaking head in bewilderment)
Mark: What?
Hucklebuck: You truly are a stupid, stupid man. A halfwitted buffoon. Jo Marie Payton-France is a woman! Her character Harriette Winslow is a woman. How are you first realizing this now?
Mark: Well that would explain her terribly large man-boobs.
Hucklebuck: You heard it here first folks, Balki from the hit sit-com Perfect Strangers is not gay afterall. He just prefers deep-voiced, large boned-ed women.
Well I hope you enjoyed our behind the scenes look into the world of Perfect Strangers. They epitomized the fall from grace that many shows of that era experienced. Those were definitely crazy times, how else could a no talent ass clown like Bob Saget have not one, but two hit TV shows? He played the same equally annoying person in both Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos. What was with our infatuation for shows or movies featuring a family that had more than one father? Full House, My Two Dads, and the 3 Men and a Baby trilogy were all the rage, and whoever tapped into the that market kept coming up with pure gold. We also fell in love with an accordian playing, cheese loving nerd named Steve and a cat chasing alien named Alf. So whether you liked Joey or Uncle Jesse the most, we can all agree that we as a people were not thinking clearly and that we were easily entertained, very easily. Oh and Bronson Pinchot's (Balki) character, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux, on Step-by-Step was one of the worst characters in the history of mankind. Nobody replaces the Code man, nobody!
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:51 AM 
