Friday, January 13, 2006
Draft #41
They are lodged in your brain, and you can't get them out. Just do it. Bon a ba ba ba, I'm loving it. Your way, right away. Hot eats, cool treats. Eat fresh. It's the choice of a new generation. Do the Dew. We do chicken right. The best pizza under one roof. Double your pleasure, double your fun. My bologna has a first name. It's not delivery. Pizza pizza. Better breads, better subs. Taste great, less filling. The king of beers. Nothing is impossible. Made from the best stuff on earth. Make a run for the border. The breakfast of champions. The other white meat. It's what's for dinner. It does a body good. Don't leave home without it. Obey your thirst or die....... Ok, maybe you can't die from not drinking Sprite, but having used these slogans without the express written consent of anybody, I now feel as though my life may be in danger. Any moment now a corporate big wig will swoop in and strike me to death with a giant bamboo stick with the exact slogan I just used engraved on it.
So to ensure my safety, I've come up with some new slogans for the franchises and products we all know and love.
McDonalds-"The smallest onions in town" "Seriously, it won't make you that fat" "Guaranteed gut rot" "Billions served, yet no cows harmed"
Burger King- "A 72% chance of finding a stray onion ring in every french fry order" "We're like McDonalds, but with more seseme seed bun options" "We'll make it your way, but not without spitting in it first" "We've got mustard"
Nike- "We dare you to find a shoe that lasts more than 7 months" "Not just sweatshop quality, but Asian sweatshop quality, man those guys can sew"
Subway- I can't really poke fun at Subway. I like Subway. But if I won the lottery and had oodles of disposable income, I would hire someone to make Jared's life a living hell. This person would follow Jared on his walks to Subway carrying chocolate cakes and pizza pies, tempting him every step of the way. Jared will break down eventually, and I am eagerly awaiting the day this asswipe is ruined. If the fatty foods don't get to him, then the alcohol and illegal narcotics will. Enjoy your stay on top Jared, for your day is rapidly approaching.
Pizza Hut- "Simply revolutionary" "Free coupon for coronary bypass surgery with every lunch buffet visit" Imagine this, Pizza Hut devises a pizza that is advertised as being the new "Spinach stuffed crust" pizza. But what the public doesn't know, won't hurt them because mixed in with the spinach will be grade A marijuana (I've never smoked marijuana so I don't know what the top shelf stuff is called, but grade A just sounds good. I'm sure people would eat shit if it came in a box labeled grade A. But honey, it's the best shit in town). There is a really good chance that this product could become massively popular if only spinach wasn't so extremely unpopular.
Chili's- "If you like Applebee's and Taco Bell, you're gunna love us!" "There's nothing Mexican about it"
Miller beer- "Beer, beer, the more you drink, the more you puke, the more puke, the better you feel, so drink Miller Lite, Genuine Draft, High Life, and all other fine Miller products, until you keel" "Bury yourself in a bottle, today"
Oscar Meyer- "What's inside? Your guess is as good as ours" "The most fun you can have between two pieces of bread"
Dairy Queen- "We use the whole fuckin cow" "Dilly bars, they're not just for gays"
Freschetta Frozen Pizza- "50% crust, 50% good"
Abercrombie and Fitch- "Come on in and question your sexuality, today"
Fleet Farm- "Get a free one pound bag of M&M's with every tire or rifle purchase"
Shopko- "You used to like us" "Damn you Target, damn you!"
KFC- "Conveniently located in the worst part of your city" "The whole muton chicken thing is just a rumor" Coming soon, Extra, extra, extra crispy recipe chicken. It's tooth crackling delicious.
Hershey bar- "The most boring candy ever"
Wendy's - "Sniffing our noses in Arby's business for over 40 years"
Exxon Mobil- "Have you been raped today?" "Let us. Rape you." "Bend over buddy" "You've get a middle finger, we've got the upper hand" (I know poor little gas stations don't control gas prices, but I don't see the people that do, so you're the only tangible thing we customers have to verbally abuse)
Mrs. Buttersworth- "Look mom, the sticky stuff comes out of the head" (mom blushing, it certainly does sweety, it certainly does)
Pop-Tarts- "The gateway to diabetes" "We are Pop-Tart kids, 10 million obese and growing"
Tostidos- "We're so good, we fill half the bag"
On a side note: If one more person acknowledges that it's Friday the 13th, I may go postal on this joint.
"I gave my girlfriend a Big Juan last night and she immediately slapped me. She said she wasn't that type of girl"
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