Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Draft #46
Could Hucklebuck be the next Miss America 2006?
The answer to that question is an obvious NO, the competition has already passed stupid, maybe next year though? My roommate and I were watching the pageant last night and we tuned in to the part where the Wisconsin representative was already eliminated, which is usually somewhere in the beginning of the competition. We never really caught a glimpse of the Wisconsin rep, but that didn't stop us from watching the rest of the show, mercilessly picking apart beautiful women that neither of us would have any business talking to, or even looking at, if the situation presented itself. Which brings me to today, I was searching the CMT (Country Music Television) website to catch a peek at Miss Wisconsin (not bad actually, despite being 21 and looking about 30) when I came up with an idea for today's entry. Each pageanteer was asked the same 20 some questions, and the responses were posted on the CMT website. In my attempt to be the next Miss America, I will answer these same questions and hopefully woo the judges into seeing my vast inner beauty.
1. Who was the most influential person in your life?
-I believe that's a tie between Don Majkowski and my uncle Steve. The Magic man tought me never to get injured while it was uncle Steve that tought me the steep consequences involved with tax fraud.
2. What is one thing about you that people you meet may not immediately realize?
-That I can fit thirteen grapes in my mouth. Then they usually ask why I don't just drink grape juice, to which I reply, where's the danger in that?
3. What is your hometown like?
-The WB is the diamond gem amidst a steaming pile of jealous manure. Many of the surrounding cities (actually the word "city" would be giving them too much credit, most are just considered "villages") wish they could be as great as West Bend, but until they have two McDonald's, this lofty aspiration will never actually materialize. Did you hear that Kewaskum? You're scum! Thank goodness I wasn't born in Jackson, I'd probably have six toes and crap myself at some point in this interview.
4. What makes your state so special?
-It's the only place I know of, that considers six to seven beers to be a casual drinking affair. And Brett Favre, the only non-family member a Wisconsinite might actually take a bullet for.
5. What was one defining moment in your life?
-It was the first time I saw the Packers play at Lambeau. The Packers were down by six with thirteen seconds left on the clock and we had the ball at our own 40 yard line. Favre was rolling to his left with two defenders breathing down his neck, and as if he had eyes behind his head, he slammed the brakes on, ducked, and the defenders were left airborn, sailing out of bounds. Favre changed direction trying to buy time for his crappy receiving core to get open, and with one second remaining, John Randle came out of nowhere and had both arms fastened securely around Brett's ankles, so Brett, falling backwards, heaves the ball from his own 33 and it sailed all the way to the endzone into the arms of a wide open Robert Brooks. And from that moment on, I realized there wasn't anything that Brett Favre couldn't do.
6. If you were named Miss America, what do you want to accomplish during the next twelve months?
-Not a damn thing! Maybe eat nachos for two weeks straight, but that would be about it.
7. What is the best piece of advice you ever received?
- "If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down." My third grade camp counselor. And....."Women are like erections son, if you've got a good one, don't let it, or her, go." My grandpa.
8. What have you learned about yourself after winning the state pageant?
-I learned I'm prettier than your average field donkey.
9. What advice would you give today's teens?
-You know that girl in your high school, the one you think is way too hot for you right now. Just give it time, you'll find yourself at a party with her sometime during college, or maybe even after college and you'll both be hammered, she'll be impressed you remembered her name and the rest will be magic.
10. What is one important thing you have learned from being in pageants?
-I learned how to walk and smile at the same time and how to eat an entire plate of food without actually eating anything.
11. Do you have any fun/funny behind-the-scenes stories?
-It's funny you should ask that because actually there isn't, most of these girls are pretty dull. Unless you consider me striking out with all the original thirteen colonies a funny story. Damn prudes.
12. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
-Why mess with a good thing? (That's what I say on the outside, but on the inside I'm secretly hoping I wake up one day with a pair of pythons that would make the Hulkster stroke his fu-man-chew in jealously)
13. During your pageant competitions, what has been the most difficult question you've been asked to answer? -Whenever they ask me about worldly issues, I never know what to say. It's like come on, who cares, really? I usually just try to divert their attention by saying how much I love the USA, then braking out into a U-S-A chant. That almost always gets the crowd going.
14. What do you feel is the most important issue facing the nation at this time in history?
-(Ahhh shit) Ah.........I just wanted to say........that I ah.....I love the USA! U...S....A!....U.....
15. What do you think is the greatest misconception about pageant contestants?
-I think most people from the outside think these are all well rounded women with an abundance of confidence, but they're not. They are mostly all fake and just complain about their appearance. If tap dancing like a ferry makes you a well rounded person, then count me out. U--S--A! U--S--A!
16. Do you consider yourself a role model? And if so, are you comfortable in that position?
-I rolled around with a model once (Prange Way catalog model), but she wouldn't let me try that one position, you know, the one where she ain't looking at ya, that's a good one right there, but she ain't a flipper (Who let Larry the Cable Guy in here?).
17. What is the last book you rea.........we'll just skip this one.
18. What qualities do you look for in a leader? Do you have these qualities?
-You gotta have a strong arm and be able to play in cold weather. Hell I don't, but you know who does.
19. What does it mean to you to be an American?
-It means I'm better than you, assuming you ain't American. And if you are, then (Hucklebuck places elbow on table as if to challenge the interviewer to an arm wrestling match to determine who is the better person)
20. What are you studying, or what did you study in school?
-I flunked out of internet college and am currently living the glamourous and exciting life of a switchboard monkey.
I can almost smell that crown.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 11:43 AM 
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Just hearing the name Kewaskum makes me angry. There is a reason that the west bend of the Milwaukee River decided to roll right through our town and that reason is: we are great. If Kewaskum or any of those other jerks in Washington County disagree then we can settle this on Carl Pick Memorial Field.
I wish we could settle it on Carl Pick Memorial Field, but unfortunately, skum town's traveling donkey service caught a bad patch of feed and the donkey's have become too sick for travel, thus leaving them without transportation. We'll just have to Johnson bus our asses over there and beat some brains in on that manure pile they call a football field. West High Football Rules!!
Is it possible for you to date Miss America 2006? What would that questioning session be like? Which one would be more difficult, the contest itself or going through the Ballbach screening process?
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