Thursday, January 26, 2006
Draft #47
A little work never killed anybody?Well according to Hucklebuck medical studies at Hucklebuck University, work is the number one related activity that leads to thousands of deaths every year. Many employees, overworked and crushed under the thumb of the Man, have fallen to the numerous demands that come along with being a corporate rented mule. Now while the ill effects of the Man's cruel treatment over his subjects can't be seen through scars and bruises, it can however be seen in many different ways. Many workers will develop a disease known as lossofselfrespectasis, a deadly disease that is usually contracted when an employee's initial request for higher wages or reasonable hours are rejected, and in return, are given a heavier work load and less vacation. The employee becomes timid and returns to his or her workstation with their tail between their legs and will remain there for years at a time, as to not anger the Man.
During these years of hybernation, trapped inside a fort of high cubicle walls, the employee will try to conjure up a variety of different tactics and ways in which they could somehow seek revenge on the Man for ruining their lives. Many employees try to envision themselves lacing the Man's coffee with a powerful cleaning detergent or setting his lake home on fire in hopes that this will rid them of their terrible disease, but unfortunately, if the employee has reached this point, the disease has already taken full effect. Once the employee's hatred for the Man has boiled over into feelings of malicious discontent or even murder, the employee has already probably experienced a deterioration in what is referred to as the spine, the area of the body that would propel these malicious thoughts into actual action.
From this point, Lossofselfrespectasis will remain in the employee's system for years until they are given an anniversary watch, forcefully pushed out the backdoor, and eventually die. This process can last anywhere from 10-50 years, and the employee may never even know they have it.
So what do you do if you think you have Lossofselfrespectasis? Many who have already reached the stage of this disease where their spines have been removed, typically unite themselves into marriage with members of the opposite sex who are also stricken with the same illness. Our studies have found that the female's spine doesn't deteriorate as fast as the male's does, and in many cases, are able to dominate the relationship because of it. This may lead the male to do more activities he really doesn't want to do in fear of a painful retaliation from their female counterparts. These activities may include shopping, attending baby showers, having babies, doing unnecessary housework, reduction in sexual activity, reduction in rec-league participation, and the elimination of certain friends. If this sounds like you, there is regrettably no cure for you, unless you count the sweet release of death.
How do you prevent Lossofselfrespectasis? It's very important that you let the Man know that you are not going to put up with any of his shit. This will let the Man know that you mean business. How does one go about doing this? An employee can avoid Lossofselfrespectasis in many ways and here are a few examples to illustrate how. Say your boss has just sent a company wide e-mail asking for an RSVP to the unpaid voluntary training seminar at corporate headquarters, what-a-ya do? The answer should be simple, you simply reply in all caps that you ain't no bitch, and that you ain't doing shit till you get a raise. This will let the Man know that you mean business. Still confused? Well say the Man has just barged into your cubicle space and insists that you were the one who screwed up on the Johnson file, what should you say to that? If you've got LOSRasis, you'll probably take the heat or try to snitch on someone who you think might have done it, whatever route necessary to avoid confrontation. So it's imperative that you stand straight up, look the Man in the eye and point your finger directly in his face, knowing you were the one who fucked up and say, "Back it on up bitch, I didn't fuck up no files, and where the hell is my raise? I got kids to feed." (knowing full well you don't have kids)This will ensure that the Man will never put his nose near your cubicle or your business, again.
So we urge you to take a stand while you can before it's too late. You don't want to be the guy that's spends all day plotting revenge tactics you'll never follow through on. The guy that busts his hump with no raise in sight. The guy that gets forced into marriage and takes shit from his kids. The guy that brings a flask of rum to work to help ease the pain. The guy that works long hours because he's afraid the wife might have realized you were the one who stained the carpet. Don't be that guy, do what you can or the next thing you know, you're gunna find yourself mapping out the best route to the Fashion Barn on a Sunday...........Super Bowl Sunday, pause for gasp. If you're doing that, you're as good as dead.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 10:16 AM 
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