Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Draft #59
Scene: reception hall
Event: a wedding
Speaker: the best man, Harry (this role will be played by Will Ferrell)
Groom: Bob
Bride: Betty
Harry has just been handed the microphone and is ready to make his speech:
It's certainly nice to see all of you here today, a lot of you I haven't seen for years, and some of you not at all before tonight. A lot of you have been asking me how I'm doing? And I'd just like to set the record straight. I'm great, couldn't be better. My cleaning supply sales are through the roof, just had a huge countertop disinfectant purchase from an Elementary school in Sansbro (Harry under breath, "freakin suckers"). There's no future Mrs. Gradorfski in sight yet, bet there's been some nibbles, and I've nibbled back some, yah, yah, yah! So if any of you ladies are interested in what-cha ya see, ya know where I'll be.......the BAR!
But enough about me, tonights about my main man Bobby! Ow! (Harry drops microphone to use his finger to point at Bobby as he tells him he loves him) You dah man, Bobby, you are the freakin man. How long have we known each other? What, like since we were six, no, it was five, so that would be like OVER thirty years? Damn we've had some good times. Remember when we caught your neighbors doing it in their pool, ah man, that was something, you were all like, "Hey, stick it in her ear!" Remember that? We totally got busted, I couldn't watch TV for like two weeks, that was complete sucksville, you still owe me for that one Bobby. Hey you, in the buffet line, don't miss out on the veal. It. Is. Awesome! I don't know what veal is, I don't know where it comes from, but this veal is just.......it's like.............
It's like Bobby and Betty. Sure, they might not be the perfect couple, they fight, they..... fight a lot actually. But like the veal, they're undefined. You can't label this love right here. But they're a good thing. Look at them, I mean Betty, look at you, you are ONE hot, piece. I'd like to lather your body with Mott's apple sauce and sprinkle you up with some cinnamon. We'd get real sticky, but old papa bear sure would clean you up lickady split, before the bees came. (At this point Harry has really lost all sense of where he is and what he's doing)
Guy from the audience, "Why don't you take five, Harry?" Take five? Why don't I take you out back and give YOU five. A five knuckle shuffle right upside your face, if you don't shut it. This is what I'm talking about people. You see marriage has been confusing me for years. From an outsider's pirspektus....perspective, sorry, people seem so eager to jump into this most blessed of unions. Like their ass is on fire and marriage is the only tub of water in town. It's mind, boggling. And then when these same people are on the other side of that fence, it's like, wow, I didn't know it would be like THIS? You find yourself hoping a field of midgets swoops through and carries your significant other off into a land of gum drops and pudding pops. Somewhere happy. So you don't have to deal with them for awhile. They'll be safe and..........(Bobby leans over to Betty and whispers, a field of midgets? Betty shrugs her shoulders)
Now Betty, I've got some advice for you and I don't want you to take it the wrong way, but Bob can be a bit of an ass. Bob luuuuuuves Bob. It's all about numero uno, and you know that. I'm sure you didn't get into this whole thing without mentally bracing yourself for a few forgotten birthdays, or a missed anniversary or two. Growing up, we used to kid each other that Bob loved Bob so much that he was going to marry himself and pay a scientist to clone younger versions of himself for children. (Bob out loud: We never said stuff like that!) Oh, well............I may have made that up just now, but as a wise man once said.........Don't let the magic die. Keep this thing alive you two. Cause it's good, good stuff and it's only gunna get better. So what, if it took eight years to get here. Bobby's been pretty sure about you for sometime now and you two cats are ready. (Harry starts randomly singing the song, "I can see cleary now" by Johnny Nash) I can see all obstacles in my way.......take it away Lorraine!! (Two male members of the wedding party now have Harry by the arms and are dragging him away from the head table) Lorraine!! Let's dance! Fuck! my arm, I'm O.K.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:22 AM 
