Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Draft #64
Growing up, I used to think that......
-Ernest, from Ernest Goes to Camp, was a great actor. He could make you laugh, as well as cry.
-wearing knee pads like Patrick Ewing was something that would be good for my image.
-the Brewers might have a shot this year.
-Glenn Robinson was the greatest thing to hit Milwaukee since Larry Krystkowiak.
-throwing cold, hard, week-old dog feces at classmates during recess was an acceptable activity. My teacher asked me if I played in the toilet at home, and I wish I had the wit to say to her, "Apples and oranges Mrs Schulz, apples and oranges."
-it was a good idea to yell out "peep" in the middle of class just after the teacher warned us that she didn't want to hear another peep. I had to write the word peep on a piece of paper about 500 times. I never did that again.
-I was pretty cool because during gym class when the teacher was instructing us on certain volleyball serving techniques, I was serving overhand during the underhand serve portion of the lesson. I figured, as a sixth grader, that I didn't have time to waste with this girly underhand crap, so I'm just gunna go straight to displaying my overhand prowess. My teacher quickly alerted me that I had a bad attitude.
-buying a girl a bag of M&M's was a sure fire way to get her to like me.
-M.C Hammer had a bright future ahead of him.
-girls were born without vaginas. I thought they painfully developed them around puberty ala the San Andreas Fault or something. Like their crotch just split in half one day and to me, that explained all the bleeding I was hearing about. My parents never gave me the talk, so I had to be informed about this whole girls having vaginas since birth thing, from a family friend. I was like, "no way".
-there was no way a couple snipits from the cookie jar was going to ruin my dinner
-the root beer floats my grandma used to make us were a normal treat that most kids enjoyed. Even if the vanilla ice cream was substituted with rainbow sherbet and the root beer was substituted with Shasta orange flavored soda. It was made with love damn it, and that's all that matters.
-my mom was a raving lunatic for yelling at us when she was washing the dishes while we were downstairs watching TV (a relatively common occurance that moved my brother and I to give each other the, here she goes again look). But now, after analyzing kids from a quasi-grown up viewpoint, I understand completely.
-my sister was totally out of line for hitting me in the head with a football helmet because I refused to vacuum the downstairs, and I still feel the same way.
-badminton was for gays
-I was probably the dumbest person on the planet after purchasing John Elway Football for Nintendo. That game sucked so bad, I can't even put it into words.
-the stop signs with the white bordering were optional thanks to my brother-in-law.
-my collection of WWF action figures would be worth something someday. And that the Macho Man Randy Savage was the greatest wrestler of this or any generation. Or maybe I just liked beef jerky.
-there was nothing better than soda from a soda machine. That whole experience was very thrilling to me.
-stripping a friend of his swimming trunks and throwing them out of the pool so he'd have to go get them wasn't the least bit gay. Those were very innocent times. And I wasn't the only one doing it. Do you think there's ever been a successful lawyer who's used that as his go-to defense. "Your honor. My client, the defendant, was clearly not the only person doing it." Judge, "Court is adjourned then, I hereby find the defendant not guilty on all charges in connection to hornswoggling an elderly woman out of half of her social security savings.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:17 AM 
Comments:
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Did you ever try without pulling the trousers down first? I've heard of people making that rookie mistake.
I used to think it was normal to bath w/ two other men at the same time. Now I understand that this is homosexual, so now I only bath w/ one other man at a time.
I used to think it was perfectly acceptable for people to scream obscenities, even if they are racially motivated in the middle of semi-crowded arenas.
I also used to think there were only 2 things the male member was good for. Then I played basketball and football with Vin and Grande, and realized there is so much more you can do with your bits and tackle.
And thanks to you and TJ, I now know that I should look the other way whenever a guy says he has gum stuck to his pants. Especially when this person is about eight beers deep into the night.
Ernest may not be a great actor but him going back to camp is the funniest piece of cinema i've ever seen in my life. I had Mr. Pibb coming out of my nose when I saw that. MC Hammer sucked!!! It was like a white man trying to sound like a brother, and i'm as white as you can get. Biggie Smalls, now there was a rapper! Goin' Back to Cali' was a great riff' man. West Coast so blows away what the east coast thinks are rappers.
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