Monday, March 20, 2006
Draft #75
-If I ever catch you drinkin booze boy, I'll remove your thumbs and Fed Ex'em to Idaho.
-I knew a guy who used to smoke weed, I think he's dead now........
-If you have to do that, then do it where no one can see you, it's called being courteous.
-Last time I checked, Billy's mom didn't make the rules around here, I do! Besides, why would you want to go to a Jewish wood working camp? You're not even Jewish, and you hate furniture.
-I don't care if Moses offered you that cigarette, you're in big trouble little miss smoke stacks.
-You are NOT taking ballet, no son of mine is going to be a gay.
-So you like stealing things do ya? Apparently the sixth commandment doesn't apply to you? You're too good for commandments? You make me sick. Go to your room while I decide which belt to use to tan your hide into a painful shade of red.
-Damn it Bobby! That was in a movie! Anybody short of being a complete idiot knows that yer not supposed to touch the dancers. And what the hell kind of a movie were you watching boy? And how the hell did you get into a...............?
-Ahhhhh, you don't like it here? I've got a good feeling that Izahir Nokbar over in Tim Buckswana would love to be in your shoes, little man, eating snickers, drinking so-dee-pop all day, not doing his homework. But unfortunately for him, he's too busy hunting down his next meal and fighting off scurvy because his mommy doesn't pack him a bottle of Sunny-D for lunch everyday. You don't even know how good you've got it. (Now go to your room while I decide which belt.......)
-What gave you the impression that urinating on the bathroom ceiling was a good idea? Last time I checked you were enrolled at Brookshore Elementary, not a damned monkey farm. Suzie, you know better than that. I am thoroughly disappointed in you.
-Stewart, you are a paperboy, you have certain responsibilities, you can't keep giving Miss Wellington the crumbled newspaper just because she's ugly. Ugly people like a nice, crisp newspaper just like everybody else.
-That wasn't polite telling Mr. Stemkin that he had cobwebs in his nose. You see Tommy, people, as they get older, stop caring about their appearance. That's why Mr. Stemkin wears his pants up to his chest and half his lunch on his face. You're still confused? Well just remember this math analogy. As your percent chance of getting laid decreases due to old age, gravitational pull, or overall lack of charm, the odds of you maintaining your appearance to lure anyone from the opposite sex to sleep with you decreases exponentially. It's considered by many as the "Why Bother" theory. Hence, Mr. Stemkin's unusually long and unsightly nose hair.
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