Friday, March 24, 2006
Draft #78
Is there anything worse than:
-going bowling
-going bowling and suddenly the regular bowling becomes cosmic bowling
-going bowling and suddenly the regular bowling becomes cosmic bowling and all of a sudden that mustard stain on your black shirt that you thought was barely visible by the naked eye unless specifically pointed at, becomes so crystal clear to everybody within a 5 lane radius that you become the laughing stock of the alley.
Is there anything worse than:
-lifting weights
-lifting weights in a crowded gym
-lifting weights in a crowded gym and having your low-hanging sack slip out the bottom of your shorts without knowing it and having a small group of middle-aged women stare at you during every rep of your tricep workout.
Is there anything worse than:
-feeding ducks in a pond
-feeding ducks in a pond at a park all by yourself in the rain
-feeding ducks in a pond at a park all by yourself in the rain and getting shot in the neck with a tranquilizer dart by a guy in a tree wearing a mask who takes you back to his lair to perform experiments on you that not even the government nor aliens would conduct.
Is there anything worse than:
-visiting your great aunt Mildred
-visiting your great aunt Mildred who lives in Tennessee
-visiting your great aunt Mildred who lives in Tennessee and in the middle of the 13th night of your boring two week stay you awake in fiery agony because Mildred left the stove on after making a late night grilled tomato and turnip sandwich consequently leaving you with burns so severe that you cannot urinate on any given day since the accident without a double shot of whiskey and a stick to bite on.
Is there anything worse than:
-sitting through a lecture
-sitting through a lecture given by a professor who speaks terrible english
-sitting through a lecture given by a professor who speaks terrible english and during the middle of the speech you do that thing where you start choking on your own saliva because you swallowed a batch down the wrong hatch and now you've got tears rolling down your face and you're turning red and everybody's looking at you like you're retarded even though it's a simple problem you're currently having that could happen to just about anybody and then you let a fart slip because you converted your attention to stopping your coughing/choking fit instead of holding back your gas which would ultimately lead someone near you to say to the person next to them, "Did he just?"
Is there anything worse than:
-not being able to watch TV
-not being able to watch TV during a Wonder Years marathon on Nickelodeon
-not being able to watch TV during a Wonder Years marathon on Nickelodeon because you weren't able to pay your cable bill due to the fact that you recently lost your job at K-Mart for telling a customer who was looking for "something to store his tools in" that you weren't quite sure if you had anything in stock but you did say to the customer that you wouldn't mind storing your screwdriver in the tool box of the checkout girl in aisle 7 while the manager was unknowingly standing right behind you.
Is there anything worse than:
-driving to work
-driving to work when you know you're gonna be late
-driving to work when you know you're gonna be late and you're caught behind the slowest geriatric driver on the face of the planet and then the nonstop honk of your horn and the heavy duty tailgating you're doing forces the poor old lady off the side of the road and into the ditch and your left with that momentary feeling of guilt that makes your stomach a little uneasy as you pass her on the highway. I hate that uneasy feeling.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 11:52 AM 
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Is there anything worse than......
Having a friend, who for some reason has his eyes focused squarely on your crotch and not on the Packers-Bears game that is on the TV, tell you that your onions have made an unrequested appearance?
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Having a friend, who for some reason has his eyes focused squarely on your crotch and not on the Packers-Bears game that is on the TV, tell you that your onions have made an unrequested appearance?
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