Monday, April 10, 2006
Draft #82
Andy Landers- the long lost bastard child of Ann Landers
Suzzie from Idaho writes:
Dear Andy,
My dog Snuffles is not feeling well. He is an 11-year-old poodle and he makes poopies in the house. He's never had this problem before, and mommy says the doggy doctor will charge us $3,000 if we want to get his poopy problem fixed. What should we do?
Sincerely,
Not so Bowel-tastic in Boise
Andy: Well Suzzie, it appears that Snuffles best days are behind him. My advice, would be to avoid the vet bills at all costs, and invest in one shiny silver bullet. Take Snuffles out for a walk in the park within the next couple of days and have daddy shoot that miserable creature you call a pet in the back of the head. I'm assuming you are not a registered member of the National Rifle Association, or at the very least, are not licensed to operate a hand weapon, so it is very important to have your daddy do the shooting. There is absolutely no reason you and your family should have to live in a feces ridden home any longer. Besides, Snuffles is a poodle right? And poodles are one of the ugliest breed of dog known to man and I would recommend shooting it whether it had bowel problems or not. Get rid of the dog, and your family will be much happier.
Danny from New York writes:
Dear Andy,
My boss has been bustin my balls. He says I don't show up on time enough for work. I told him to mind his own fuckin business. He says the next time I show up late, I'm fired. He sure is a cock sucker, my boss. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Burning Mad in da Bronx
Andy: Well for starters, you can tone it down a couple notches with the profanity. You ain't no fuckin pirate, Danny. And as far as your question is concerned, my gut says that your boss was completely 100% right to have called you a lazy, useless, sack of shit. Oh what? Your boss never called you such a name? Well he should have, cuz that's whatch yooz is, useless, witch a capital U. If you were working for me, I'd a fired your ass weeks ago. You are the scum of the earth. My advice, shape up or ship out. You make me sick, and I'm done with you now.
Eric in Florida writes:
Dear Andy,
I think Poker, especially Texas Hold'em, is really stupid. Your thoughts.
Sincerely,
Ticked in Tallahassee
Andy: Eric, I couldn't agree more. Poker is so five years ago. I'd put its entertainment value right between playing Shoots and Ladders with a 3-year-old and having your toenails ripped off by a circus clown. It is simply the most overrated game since horseshoes made its way onto the scene back in 1805. Recent studies have indicated that individuals who are still enthralled with this prehistoric game were shown to also enjoy activities such as; dressing up in women's clothing, eating paste from an industrial sized jar, growing mullets, and sniffing a dog's ass. It's not me, it's research. The study also showed that individuals who've willingly watched more than 10 minutes of poker on television, are three times more likely to have intercourse with a wild moose since they've completely lost touch with anything that has to do with maintaining one's sanity. I hear creating your own Jello mold is quickly becoming the nation's most popular activity. Some of the bigger Jello enthusiasts bring their own case of iron moldings to parties to make different colored Jello's for their friends. They all sit around a table (while the Jello is in the fridge taking shape) and give each other handjobs, it's supposed to be a blast. And whoever "holds out" the longest, wins the pot. It's a lot like poker, just a little more gay, but not much more.
Sarah from Ohio writes:
Dear Andy,
Is there any way of distinguishing whether I'm glandular or just plain fat?
Sincerely,
Tubby in Toledo
Andy: Here are a few telltale signs that you've crossed the line from being glandular and are headed straight towards Obese Street. You accidentally caused an avalanche while doing jumping jacks in a neighboring state. You've eaten a stick of butter, on more than one occasion. You walk through most doorways, sideways. You scare most children. You become winded dialing a phone. You've accidently been harpooned by a whale fisherman. You naturally smell like bacon. You've asked a stranger whether you're glandular or fat. If any of these apply to you, you may be a fatty.
And finally, Timmy in New Jersey writes:
Dear Andy,
What's the deal with urinals? Have you ever fallen victim to some heavy reboundage?
Sincerely,
Peeing in Princeton
Andy: By heavy reboundage, I'm assuming you are referring to the scenario in which your urine stream is so strong that when it hits the back of the urinal, some of it comes spraying back at you, leaving wet marks on your trousers. If this is the case, then my answer would have to be yes, I have fallen victim to some heavy reboundage. It's the most embarrassing in formal situations when you are wearing light-colored khakis. You try to tell people you got a little crazy with washing your hands, but they know better. There's nothing worse than having to convince someone that you didn't actually pee your pants. Here's a few tips to avoid heavy reboundage. 1) urinate regularly- holding it in for long periods of time only makes the stream stronger. 2) Don't stand so close to the urinal. 3) Try to the work the angle- not every urinal is shaped the same, don't take a blind piss, evalute the situation first and use the angle that works best for you.
Well I hope my advice today was helpful. I know I'm not my mother, but I did my best.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:29 AM 
