Monday, April 17, 2006
Draft #84
Sick Day
Captain's log, I've just awoken from a long night's slumber only to notice that I've been sweating, profusely. The sheets are saturated and I've now begun to question possibly whether or not I've urinated in my own bed. After taking a mental tour through my personal track record for peeing my pants, I've come to the conclusion that I did not wet the bed. I feel quite dizzy and I must remove these sweat-soaked clothes, they are making things unpleasant for me. After ringing my assistance bell for five consecutive minutes, it appears that mother is either gone or has lost all interest in assisting her only son. I would fight a poisonous rattle snake right now to get my hands on a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice........well..........maybe not a snake, that would be too dangerous for someone in my condition and tax bracket, perhaps a gerbil would do. I would punt a gerbil straight across the Atlantic for the sweet, sweet relief that comes from vitamin C.
But who am I kidding? I am far too ill to be kicking rodents into large bodies of water. Mother will surely, be back soon, I will have to watch some television to help bridge the gap. Ah yes, Saved by the Bell. I used to view this program frequently a few years back. But I'm having difficulty figuring out why. This Jessie Spano is a complete rag, she's an absolute joy kill. She is angering me. And this Mr. Belding character, who would possibly put this guy incharge on anything, ever, let alone an entire school. I wouldn't entrust an ant farm to this buffoon! And would you look at this Screech kid, he's the gayest one of the bunch. I don't like how his parents allow him to have his own robot, a boy that gay will inevitably find a way to deface a perfectly good piece of machinery, it's the nature of the beast.
I am growing bored with this program, time to turn it off. As the sun beats through the window, I begin to curse it's very existence. It's otherwise soothing rays are causing me to sweat even more than before, thus leading to more discomfort. I could get up out of bed and pull the shades down, but I am far to ill to take on such a task. Luckily I have a spare pillow to help shield the bright light. (2 minutes later) Look what I've reduced myself to, lying on my back with a pillow over my face because I'm too weak to hold it up any longer. I can barely breath with this thing on my face, but if I take it off, then I'll be giving the sun a free pass to mock me once again, and I won't allow that. Damn, it is smoldering in here, orange juice may not be enough to fix my lowly disposition, my only hope now is a strawberry/banana Dannon Frusion.
The main character's father now enters the room.
Dad: What the hell are you still doing in bed? It's 10:00 am, don't you have to be at work?
Son: Shouldn't you be at work?
Dad: I retired, five years ago. We had a huge party, remember?
Son: That's right, the retirement party. I ate too many deviled eggs that day.
Dad: Yeah, a lot people get sick off of three deviled eggs. You've got to be the biggest 50-year old pussy I've ever seen in my entire life. Just a whole new breed of pathetic. So what's the ailment de jour?
Son: I believe I may be running a fever. I had the sweats last night.
Dad: And that's it?
Son: I'm a little dizzy.
Dad: Did you take any Advil?
Son: I tried ringing the bell, but nobody.......
Dad: Nobody what, Bobby? Nobody came running to wipe your ass. You can't keep calling in sick to work everytime you get a sniffle or a headache.
Son: Subway has very strict rules as far as health is concerned, dad! They can't have sick people handling the food, it's not hygenic!
Dad: Oh I'm so sorry Mr. sandwich artist, I forgot how delicate your craft was. Just do me a favor, and stop ringing that bell, the cable guy is stopping in and I don't want to explain to him what the hell that noise is.
Son: Can you get me a Dannon Frusion?
Dad: What the fuck is a frusion?
Son: Just tell mom to get up here when she gets home.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:03 AM 
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I'm going to like our new friend. One of his interests on his profile is drinking. Ich bin ein Ausländer.
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