Thursday, April 20, 2006
Draft #86
Former Milwaukee Brewers Sideline Reporter Bob Brainerd Eaten to Death by Rare and Exotic Two-Headed CrocodileRecently, things were not going well for Bob Brainerd, he lost his job both as a sideline reporter for the Brewers, and then as a part-time sports donkey for Fox 6 News. The 1983 graduate from the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh was on top of the world as little as a year ago, and then before he could blink, he was out of his profession and was selling discount fruit on the side of the street just so he'd have enough money for food (although many wondered why he just didn't eat the fruit). Sure Bob could have made more money working as a janitor or a carwash attendant, but Bob still had his pride. Bob felt that those positions were beneath him, and that selling fruit allowed him to use his talents (ie annoying people). Even in his darkest moments, Bob could be found plugging away on the curb sides of Capital Dr., waiving bananas at passer bys, hoping to make a sale. If you'd watch long enough, you could witness 2 or 3 cars per hour that would recognize Bob and try to drive their vehicle onto the curb in an attempt to drive over him.
Bob knew that nobody in this city liked him, even a little bit, his welcome was well over stayed and it was time to move on. "The people in this state wouldn't know what talent was if it crawled up their shorts and bit them in that fleshy area between their genitalia and a-hole, I'm Bob Brainerd damn it!" The bitterness had reached its threshold and now was the time for Bob to execute plan B, a move to Florida. Bob always wanted to move there, the cold harsh Wisconsin winters were not to Bob's liking, and he heard a rumor that there was a vacancy for a reporting position with the Marlins. And since Bob never had a relationship with a real live female and consequently wasn't married, he packed up his cookie cutter suit and headed south.
Bob arrived in Florida with the confidence of knowing that his degree from Oshkosh would put him head and shoulders above the competition. Bob had a great feeling that his interview was going to be a complete success, and that feeling was soon put to rest a few minutes into the process. Aftering spilling coffee on himself in the waiting area, Bob put any doubt to rest in the mind of the interviewer, as to whether he may or may not be retarded, by announcing to the interviewer that he once caught a marlin on a chartered fishing trip back when he was a kid, thus making him qualified to work for the Marlins. Bob also stated that he is very proficient in the area of storm survival, in case another hurricane were to hit Florida, Bob assured the Marlins brass that he would be able to survive such a disaster since he saw the Perfect Storm (starring George Clooney) eight times.
The interview man merely laughed in Bob's face and told him that he's never even heard of a college in Oshkosh. They say Bob started sobbing and begging for any job with the team. He even went as far as lobbying for a janitor's assistant position, but the head janitor took one look at Bob and said he didn't want to work with no pansy asses. So with a broken spirit, Bob slowly exited Pro Player Stadium without any alternative plan of action. He thought for sure that this was his big ticket back to the bigtime, but alas, there he stood, lonely, and no plan C in sight.
Since Bob had spent most of the income he earned while in Wisconsin on Brett Favre memorabilia, and since he was 100% certain the Marlins would hire him, he had very little disposable income, if any, available to him. Bob spent his last twenty dollars that he was going to use for a post interview celebration at Applebee's, on a bottle of cheap whiskey and a ride to the Everglades. Luckily the ride to the Everglades came cheap since a one-toothed loner named Gus offered to give Bob a ride in his pickup truck. After forty minutes alone in a truck with Bob, old Gus made him do a tuck n' roll out the passenger side door while the car was still running, I guess Gus wasn't the only person on this earth that couldn't stand to hear another story about how Bob got his picture taken with Jeff Cirillo at the Brewer's Christmas party.
At this point, Bob was stranded, drunk, confused, hurt, and in the middle of nowhere. Bob took a pretty nasty spill and was out cold laying in the middle of a gravel road for about an hour. His vision was blurred, but up ahead in the distance he noticed a pickup truck heading in his direction, the very truck that Gus had given him a ride in earlier that day. Gus slowly approached Bob in the truck, did a Y-turn and then put the truck in park. Bob could vaguely notice that Gus had a large cage in the bed of his truck and in the inside appeared to be a creature of sorts. "Gus, you came to save me, I knew you'd come back" declared Bob. But Gus just stared at Bob in silence and continued unhatching the tailgate and opening the cage. Once the massive creature was unleashed and free to roam the grounds near Bob, old Gus tipped his cap and said, "See you in hell, Bob, see you in hell." The freakishly large, two-headed alligator, annoyed by the inferior scent given off by Bob, proceeded to tear him apart, limb to limb, using slow and painful bites. The alligator was quoted in a recent interview saying Bob is not a good eat, he whined the whole time, screamed like a girl, and just plain didn't taste good.
A memorial parade/celebration will be held in honor of the passing of Bob Brainerd before the Brewers/Twins game on May 20th. Refreshments will be served in parking lot G near the Sausage Haus.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:41 AM 
