Friday, May 19, 2006
Draft #104
Freestyle Fridays (Whooped-iddy-do)
-Headlines taken from the Nuns Tabloid: "Sister Mary Crosses Street Outside of Crosswalk" "Sister Margaret Caught Baring it All, 4 Inches Below the Knee" "Sister Ruth's Video Rental Late Fees Top $2.00" "Sister Anna Stiffs Salvation Army Donation Basket While Leaving Supermarket" "Sister Louise Busted for Bingo Addiction After Winning Blackout Round" "Church Picnic Takes Turn for the Worst After Sister Sandra Downs Two Wine Coolers" "Sister Judy Holds up Liquor Store After Late Night Cocaine Binge".......ok, maybe that would have made just about any form of news. I guess Judy enrolled herself into the nuns with guns program at her local sanctuary.
-I am seriously considering eating everything from here on out in a burrito. It just handles better.
-Someone once told me that women were like bubble gum. You take em out of the wrapper and they smell so good and they're really sweet in the beginning and you're so happy with your selection. You're filled with so much flavor that you even blow really huge bubbles so everyone can see what's pleasing you. But......after a while, the gum eventually dries up and loses it's flavor, no one is blowing anybody anymore. You become so sick of the gum that you spit it out because you can't stand the taste, it's become so vanilla, you just want a new piece of gum, anything besides that old chewed up piece. And you think you're in the clear, but that damn piece of gum you spit out somehow got tangled up in your hair and getting rid of it can only happen until a part of you is taken with it. So you use some scissors to cut the big wad of gum out, but it won't go away without taking half of the hair on your head with it. Gum, is it really worth the hassle?
-If I were to attend the next World Series of Poker as a spectator, which I would never do, but if I did, and I had to heckle one player and one player only, it would be Chris Moneymaker, if they allowed his ass to participate. And to really rattle his cage, I would hold a sign that read, "Moneymaker's a Bloody Wanker". That would show him.
-A couple of the girls in my department decided to get back at me for prank calling them, so they sent a postcard to my parent's house with three very gay looking guys on the front. The back of it read, "Andy- if I would have known you liked boys I would have backed off a lot sooner! Next time don't lead a girl on so long! Just come out of the closet! No hard feelings, Cobie." Ahhh....you gotta love office hijinks. Kudos ladies, kudos.
-The oldest lady in my department just declared that today's soup was slop. It was slop that you would feed to your pigs. I don't know about her, but I usually feed my pigs Porky O's for every meal. It keeps their coats healthier. What kind of a person feeds their pigs slop? That's just another example of somebody practicing poor, out-of-date farming techniques. That's just plain cruel and impractical.
-Did you know that Lindsay Lohan was featured in one of the "Got Milk?" ad campaigns? Which again proves my theory. Lindsay Lohan is a whore.
-Whatever happened to Pop Rocks? And more importantly, whatever happened to Ricky Martin? My guts telling me that he's probably somewhere out there, living la vida loca. It's either that, or he's been on a gay cruise ship for 7 or 8 years performing as the cover act in exchange for "all you can drink" cocktails from 5:00-7:00pm.
-Things that used to scare me: Fireworks, a flock of seagulls, when older women dressed like witches for Halloween, my principal, roller coasters, the dark, the big kids in the bathroom, my great aunt Margie, crock pots, and the movie Jurassic Park.
-Things that scare me now: The thought of having to take a prostate exam and homeless people.
-The crazy cap shuffle at Miller Park this year is fixed. I used to be able to guess which hat the ball was under everytime, it had almost become so routinely easy to guess correctly that it was beginning to bore me. But this year, the shuffle patterns are still all the same, yet I've only picked the correct hat once, and I've been to ten games. So either I've just gone blind and/or retarded lately, or........this mockery of a mid-inning test of cunningness, is a complete sham.
-Does anybody know where I can catch a few re-run episodes of Bobby's World?
-I've got this massive hankering for a Texas Whopper right now.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:13 AM 
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What about The Wonder Years, damn that was a good show. I couldn't agree with you more on your burrito theory.
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