Thursday, May 25, 2006
Draft #107
A day in the life of former Brewers first baseman, John Jaha.It's 10:00am on Wednesday morning and Big John is in yet another world of hurt. Playing for his Tuesday night softball team, the Lintentown Lubricators, Mr. Jaha was abruptly introduced to a tree as he was tracking a pop-up down the first base line. Lintentown's softball facilities aren't, what would be described as....say, state of the art. The old maple, as they call it, lies only two feet from the right field foul line with most of its branches hovering out over into the field of play. John jammed his right shoulder pretty good and had to play the rest of the game with limited mobility in his right arm (although some would argue that limited mobility is John's forte'). John will tell you that last night's effort was not his best work, 1-4 with an RBI double. He's only batting .273 so far this young season and is finding the adjustment into the world of softball to be quite challenging.
John is finally able to get out of bed after his standard 5-10 minutes of groaning in pain, since years of steroidal abuse have left most, to all of his joints in utter shambles. After the handfull of advil, he likes to wash his medicine down with 6 farm fresh eggs, 14 strips of bacon, and his self-created protein drink he cleverly named the Jaha-ma Mama, which is a wild concoction of fish heads, tree bark, and whey. After breakfast, it's time for the noon power lifting session. John likes to hit the benchpress and curls and that's it, five times a week. John doesn't buy into the whole, giving your muscles time to relax theory. After the workout, John's lovely, 4'9'', Asian wife, Yepshwing, gives him a thorough back massage using only the most authentic fire-breathing herbal lotions. If it wasn't for his wife, John's back would have caved in years ago from all the upper body weight he carries combined with the total lack of ab, lat, and back work. After the massage, John gives the little lady as much loving as he can until the back stiffens up again. The time it takes for his back to give out is usually pretty close to the amount of time it takes for ol' John to hit his peak, about three to three and a half minutes.
At 12:45, with a smile on the lady's face and his body partly mended, it's time to head off to the dojo, the baseball dojo where there can only be one master, the masterbatter......Kevin Seitzer. John works the 1:00-5:00pm shift at Kevin Seitzer's Baseball Academy For Young Aspiring Hitters of America With Marginal Talent and Deep Pockets. John's duties include one-on-one appointment scheduling (John's not allowed to council any of the young hitters himself, Kevin felt that would be bad for business), pitching machine maintenance, and some light cleaning around the facility. Occasionally a client will recognize him and say, "Hey, you're John Jaha. Do you give hitting lessons?" John can only hold his head in shame and politely respond, "You can't teach raw power. That's what I'm told." After the shift, it's off to one of the five softball leagues John plays in, with the night eventually winding down with a bucket of cold beer and a hot salt bath.
Today wasn't too bad a day for John. His shoulder was still a bit stiff from the tree run-in, and he stubbed a toe on the corner of the fridge during breakfast leaving a pretty decent gash, nothing that a band-aid and an hour of ice therapy couldn't fix. Oh, and he slammed his thumb in the car door just before he was about to walk into work. He ran into the building yelling, "My thumb, my fuckin thumb!" Kevin had to abruptly take him into the back of the academy, remind him that swearing in front of the customers is bad for business, and then tape up his thumb and tell him everything will be OK. Later in the shift John slipped on one of the balls in the batting cage and was down for about 15 minutes holding his hip and when he finally tried getting up he fell back down because he unknowingly twisted his ankle during the fall. John sat out tonight's game because on the way there, after checking a blind spot, his neck locked up and became very stiff. He apologized to the guys on the team and proceeded to coach the living crap out of 3rd base, successfully waving home 9 out of 14 runners. To cap the night off, John tweaked his groin climbing out of the bathtub and his status for tomorrow's game is questionable.# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:18 AM 
