Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Draft #109
Gas Price Fever (Daily encounters of a gas station clerk named Mustaf)
Customer #1: Mustaf! What's up! $3.00 a gallon? What the fuck! You're such a bitch.
Mustaf: No my friend, you are the bitch.
Customer #1: Do you guys have any Combos?
Mustaf: Yes, next to the Chex Mix.
Customer #1: How much is a bag?
Mustaf: Dollar ninety-nine.
Customer #1: Christ Almighty! For some Combos? I outta burn this place to the ground.
Mustaf: Yes, yes. Burn to the ground. Every week you come in here and say burn this place down. Well what the hell are you waiting for?
Customer #1: You're lucky I find you quasi-interesting. You know you're not scaring anybody with that towel on your head.
Mustaf: Who says I try to scare anybody?
Customer #1: Yeah, you're right. Have fun charming them snakes today Moose-staffa.
Mustaf: Good day to you to (you monkey ass, the name is Mustaf, how many times....)
Mustaf: Hello, welcome to Toweltron. Did you have any gas out there?
#2: Yeah, on the black Caravan.
Mustaf: At pump six?
#2: Ahhh....... I thought it was pump two.
Mustaf: Well do you remember what the total was?
#2: Naw, I don't. I'm pretty sure it was pump two.
Mustaf: Sir, there is a red Cavalier on pump two, are you sure you're not at pump six?
#2: I don't know, what much is it?
Mustaf: $44.50?
#2: Yeah, that sounds like it.
Mustaf: Will that be all for today?
#2: How much for a pack of what I am?
Mustaf: What?
#2: How much for a pack of what I am, man?
Mustaf: I......ahhhh......don't understand.
#2: Kools. How much for a pack of Kools?
Mustaf: Ohhhh......I get it now. $5.25.
#2: Whoa....Lee.....Shit!! Fuck that, I can get a pack for $4.90 down at the Clark station. I ain't paying no five dollars for a pack of smokes. You're out of your fucking mind.
Mustaf: OK.......$44.50 is your total.
#2: Here you go......... (squinting in the direction of Mustaf's name tag) Mustache. Have a good one. (#2 walks away while muttering under his breath, "Mustache? That's a stupid name.")
(Phone rings) Mustaf: Hello, this is Toweltron. How may I help you?
Sales guy: Hello, this is Bob at Brighter Image Printing Services. I was wondering if I could get the cereal number for your printer? That way we can send you out some routine ink cartidge and paper refills.
Mustaf: Look Mr. I don't know who you are, but we don't have a printer here. I've told you that at least five times already. Yet you keep sending the paper and the ink and all kinds of garbage. I'm not going to pay for this, I didn't tell you to send me this........ this crap.
Sales guy: Our records indicate that a George authorized this order.
Mustaf: George, why would you talk to George? He's the stock boy. I'm pretty sure he eats paste.
Sales guy: None the less, you owe us $159.00 for the supplies. And if we don't receive your payment, we can't send out the next refill order for all of your printing needs.
Mustaf: Good! Are you fucking stupid? I said I don't want any printing supplies.
Sales guy: Hey now. So what you're saying is.....is that you don't want us to send you anymore supplies.
Mustaf: Holy bamboo! Yes, I don't want anything your store has to offer, ever.
Sales guy: Alrighty then. You just send us the payment for your last order and we'll be out of your hair.
Mustaf: Maybe you're too busy sucking scrotum, but I just told you I wasn't going to pay for anything.
Sales guy: Ok.......Is George available?
Mustaf: No! George is not available. He works 20 hours a week. He's not even authorized to answer the phone. How did you get this number?
Sales guy: Do you know when is a good time to reach George?
Mustaf: Let me draw this out for you American Joe. If you say one more word, just one more. I will hunt you down and murder you with a fork and spoon. Mustaf is tired of your bullshit. And if you would like my advice, I will advice you to run head first into traffic. You are low-life scum squatter. I hope a raven eats you alive, intestines first. Have a good day.
Sales guy: (click)
#3: Wow, you guys must be making a fortune off these gas prices.
Mustaf: Veidy Funny. I wish I controlled the price of gas.
#3: Yeah..........I bet you wish.
Mustaf: No, honestly, I don't control gas prices.
#3: I'm sure. So....... what do you do with all the money you must got pouring in here? I'd buy a boat or a Ferrari. I bet you have some sort of freak show zoo at the palace you live in. How many lions do you own? I bet you have at least five of em. Actually, I bet you're a tiger man, like that Ziggy and Roy. Those white tigers must be pretty expensive. Do you feed them human food or do you just feed them some of the smaller animals from your own zoo?
Mustaf: Actually, I live in the same neighborhood as you. No lavish mansion or exotic animals. I eat the Hamburger Helper just like the rest of us. I do however, ride an elephant to work.
#3: Really? I thought so.
Mustaf: No, I'm kidding, I drive piece of shit Chevy Celebrity. It's almost as slow as elephant though.
#3: Ah......you got me! I'll see you around Mmmm.......uffstid, Muftas......M-m-m-m-anderin oranges?
Mustaf: It's Mustaf.
#3: Alrighty, see ya around Mmm....buddy.
Mustaf: Hello welco....
#4: Seriously, how do you sleep at night?
Mustaf: I'm sorry?
#4: Did I stutter? How. Do you. Sleep at night?
Mustaf: I'm not sure what you mean.
#4: I'm talking about these gas prices. You've got some nerve, pal!! If I was you, the guilt would have eaten a hole through my stomach by now. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. How would you like it if I went over to Kickapoo, Israel and jacked up all the camel prices? Yeah, not a pretty picture, is it? Now imagine you have to ride your camel from Ashqelon to Dimona everyday for work. How many camels do you think you'd go through each week? Three, four, maybe even five? That starts to add up doesn't it? Camels don't exactly grow on trees do they? I can't afford anymore camels Mushel, I just can't, you're killing me here. How bout you just do us all a favor and hop back on your magic carpet and fly your ass back to wherever it is you're from.
Mustaf: Fuck you! Fuck all of you! I quit, I quit, I quit!! I am sick of this shit. George!! Get over here!! You are taking over register. I'm going home, never to return!
(Mustaf came back to work 2 hours later because George couldn't handle the register. The drawer was short $57.41 that day.)
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:28 AM 
