Friday, May 05, 2006
Draft #95
Freestyle Fridays (Anything Goes)
-If you've never driven a car while listening to the Dukes of Hazzard theme song, then you've never REALLY driven a car. It's a whole new ballgame while that music is playing. You automatically roll the windows down because you want everyone to hear the kick ass song. The speed limit no longer applies to you. You take every turn at 40 mph in an unconscious attempt to get your vehicle on two wheels. If you're wearing a collared shirt, the collar somehow puts itself in the upright position because it senses that something cool is happening. Of course none of this will happen if you're listening to the longer, crappier version of the song, it has to be the actual song used at the beginning of the show.
-Speaking of driving, I will forever be impressed with people who have the balls to pass a police car on the freeway. Usually everyone slows down, a big line starts to form, and there's always that one guy that forges ahead without a care in the world. Who do these people think they are? I break a sweat when crossing a street while the "Do Not Walk" sign is flashing. I'd like to live the life of someone who passes a police car for just one day, to see what it would be like. I'd imagine these people don't take a lot of shit.
-If you've got a problem and no one else can help, and if you can find them (and you're broke as hell) maybe you can hire......the B-Team. Sure, maybe the B-Team drives a 1987 Chevy Astro van, they don't have access to high powered automatic weapons, and they're without an intimidating black man with a mohawk and tons of bling. But......they are affordable, and the three-member squad of the B-Team is recently coming off a first place finish in their trapshooting league on Tuesday nights, so at the very least, you know somebody's getting shot, even if it's with a Wal-Mart purchased handgun.-I was at the Brewer's game on Wednesday night. The Giants were in town and the near capacity crowd of 17,000 gave Barry Bonds enough razzing to send the guy home crying (at least I would have). They booed him at the plate, they booed him as he warmed up with the ball-girl, they booed him when he was just standing in the outfield, they booed him whenever he caught a flyball. They were really giving him the business, and I was proud to be apart of it all, especially since he went 0-4. The cherry on top was finding out, when I got back home, that he got plunked in the melon with a stray ball during batting practice while he was in the dugout. The footage of that was hilarious! Reminded me of the episode of Seinfeld when Kramer was getting darted in the head with tennis balls, good times.
-In honor of Cinco de Mayo, I will share with you my secret double wrapped burrito recipe.
Purchase a ten-pack of El Monterey frozen burritos, the spicy picante flavor, it's just beef. Then a pack of soft shell tortillas, the big ones, none of those sissy hand-sized fajita shells, I'm talking about the high school lunch program ones that covered your entire tray before you folded it. And of course you need shredded cheese, your choice, I always use mozzarella cuz that's what I use for everything. I guess cheddar would be best for this recipe.
Step 1- Place frozen burrito in microwave and set on defrost for three to three and a half minutes
Step 2- Place lukewarm burrito on large soft shell tortilla
Step 3- Surround the lukewarm burrito with cheese
Step 4- Fold burrito
Step 5- Place double wrapped burrito w/ cheese in microwave for 1 minute
Step 6- Try to contain yourself, you're about to taste a slice of heaven
Enjoy one of these burritos with a Corona and an authetic Mexican hooker to help fully celebrate whatever it is people celebrate on Cinco de Mayo.
-Michelle Wie- admit it, you would.-T-shirt idea- This would be for when Tomo Ohka pitches: Front- "Whatch ya gonna do?" Back- "When Ohka-mania runs wild on you!" Must wear matching karate kid type headband that reads "I'm a Ohka-maniac"
-Just had a caller that wants to sue us because the only way you can apply for a position here is by submitting an application through the internet or by fax. She claims that's discrimination against people who don't have a computer or a fax machine. She asked me how I applied, and warned me not to lie because she was going to file a claim either way. She even said she would survey everyone of our employees if she has to.
And there you have it folks, the panel will no longer be accepting any further nominations for the "Idiot of the Week" award. We already have a winner. Her name is Darla. She wears stirup pants, owns eight cats, chain smokes, is a bit on the hefty side, still has the puffy bangs look from the 80's, and is surprisingly divorced with four kids. Sometimes I wonder.
-The previous bullet point was supposed to be the end of the entry, but then I went to lunch. Turns out somebody else here is caught up in the excitement of Cinco de Mayo. I overheard this particular fellow telling a joke to the lunch ladies, and unfortunately all I heard was the punchline. He said and I quote, "It's a trick question. There is no significance to the Latino community." I almost dropped my tray.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:36 AM 
Comments:
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I suppose we should let the history teacher amongst us tell the tale of Cinco de Mayo, but I will just take the ball. It is not (as many people think) the Mexican Independence Day, which I believe is in November(?), it actually celebrates the Mexican Army victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla
Celebrating a victory over the French is kind of like getting excited for a victory over the Clippers, the old Clippers.
you'd be surprised how many people think that today is the Mexican Independence Day. Sorry to insult your intelligence
C'mon Hucklebuck, i'm as a big a pussy as there is but have still passed a cop on the freeway if they're going under 70, step up my man!
Did you contribute in any way to the derision of Barry Bonds? Please tell me that, at the very least, you told the fraud to "kiss my grits" like Flo from "Alice".
As for Michelle Wie.....sorry, but the Asian invasion that she represents, can't hold a candle to natalie Gulbis...........c'mon kid, get with the program/
Did you contribute in any way to the derision of Barry Bonds? Please tell me that, at the very least, you told the fraud to "kiss my grits" like Flo from "Alice".
As for Michelle Wie.....sorry, but the Asian invasion that she represents, can't hold a candle to natalie Gulbis...........c'mon kid, get with the program/
I kind of think that punchline is the joke and it is one of the better ones that I've heard in awhile.
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