Monday, May 08, 2006
Draft #96
Mother's Day Advice
Do: Tell her you love her.
Do not: Tell her your 19-year old girlfriend of 2 months is pregnant followed by a "I'm just kidding". Sure mom may be relieved to hear that her son didn't knock anyone up, but you not being a father, technically shouldn't count as a present for mom.
Do: Buy her some flowers.
Do not: Rip out flowers from her own garden and give them to her.
Do: Cook her a good old fashioned breakfast in bed complete with all the fixins.
Do not: Get mom in the car, tell her where you're heading is a secret, and then take her to McDonald's for the "Mom's eat free" special. A McGriddle doesn't quite say "Mom you are a special person" it says "I'm low on cash, can't cook, and I forgot it was Mother's day so I panicked and Wah Lah, a poo poo platter for two."
Do: Buy mom the DVD version of "The Sound of Music". There's just something about singing on a hillside that mothers find fascinating.
Do not: Buy mom the X-rated DVD version inappropriately titled, "She Pound me Pubic". You may like watching hot lesbians go at it, but mom may not share your affinity for girl-on-girl action. Just a hunch.
Do: Take mom to a theatrical showing of her favorite play.
Do not: Take her to WWE's Hell in a Cell just because they're in town and your favorite wrestler will be featured in the main event. Actually, not only should you not be taking your mom, you yourself shouldn't be going to a WWE sponsored event. Unless maybe you have a mullet, are missing most of your teeth, consider T-shirts with cutoff sleeves casual wear, and own a rebel flag. Then maybe you should be at one of these events, otherwise it's a bad idea.
Do: Buy mom a certificate for a day at the spa.
Do not: Give mom a self-made coupon that reads: "Good for one free massage" A) You shouldn't be rubbing your mother and B) Never! Under any circumstances. Put your hands on your mom in any fashion that is not related to a hug, dancing, or pulling her out of a fire.
Do: Invite Tom Jones over to your house to sing a song for dear old mom. Women love Tom Jones.
Do not: Get upset and do anything drastic when Tom declines your invitation. Realistically, you probably couldn't match his asking price for a personal private performance. And besides, it's Tom Jones we're talking about, he has better things to do.
Do: Clean a few things around the house you normally wouldn't clean, or take on a home improvement project.
Do not: Allow her to make a honey-do list for you. Women like to get carried away, and if you give them the opportunity, they will ride this generous offer all the way to the end of July. Next thing you know, you'll be outside with dad pounding home nails into boards for the gazebo she wants built as you curse the day you were born.
Do: Make a card for her special day. Something that says:
Mom is the coolest, mom is rad
It's safe to say we love you, more than just a tad
This day is all for you, to hell with pleasing dad
Sincerely, your son, the one that you named Brad.
Happy Mother's day!
Do Not: Make a card for her special day that says:
Mother's Day, what a freakin inconvenience
This whole day's a sham, and makes no freakin sense
Yeah, I love ya, of that I'm pretty sure
You're like the swizzle stick, that makes our family stir
Whatever,
Tommy
Do: Whatever you can to make her happy on Mother's day.
Do not: Piss her off. If you find yourself trading blows with your mom on Mother's day, then something has gone terribly wrong. Immediately abort your current plan of action, for it has failed, miserably. Sure you could justify what you did by claiming that it was an expensive gift, but setting her up with a year long membership for Jenny Craig? Come on, you know better.
Good luck to everyone this week as you hunt for the perfect gift.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:12 AM 
Comments:
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As far as the niece or nephew goes. If it's a girl we'll get it a nook with a pink ribbon on the end of it.
If it's a boy, we'll get him the complete 2006 Topps baseball card set.
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If it's a boy, we'll get him the complete 2006 Topps baseball card set.
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