Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Draft #97
Q&A with Sexual Harassment HarryTimmy: How many different jobs have you lost on account of sexual harassment?
SHH: I'd have to say.......about 17 jobs. That last dismissal from Circuit City was completely bogus. When your female manager says, "That tie looks nice on you." Then she's totally asking for it. You know it and I know it. FYI for all the ladies out there, don't feed the camel water if you don't want to take it for a ride..............out to a vacant field and have mad crazy sex with it, or something like that.
Billy: What's the most bogus harassment charge you've ever received?
SHH: Apparently, and I stress the word apparently, I must have told a female co-worker, at the ice cream stand I worked at during my youth, that if we ever ran out of ice cream we could just squeeze some fresh milk out of Sandy's T-TAY's and we'd have enough to last us through the weekend. The good people at Udder & Butter didn't think comments like that were good for the workplace, and I was fired within a week. I still don't understand it. How is it my fault that Sandy's boobs are so big, she could nurse 15 dying eskimos back to health, in the middle of a blizzard, and still have enough leftover to flavor the coffee. How I ask, how?
Susan: Sexual Harassment Harry, I think you are a disgusting pig!
SHH: Hey Suzie, you want some bacon? Better yet, how bout some sausage? Souix-weeeee!!!
Ted: Do you have any advice on how to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace?
SHH: Ted, you are asking the wrong person. All I know is that you don't have to look for it, it will find you, trust me.
Bobby: I recently got fired from my job because I told a female co-worker that she was a Werther's Original, "Rich, Creamy, and Just Plain Good"........in bed. How bogus was that?
SHH: That was totally bogus. If you never touched her ass, you should still have a job. Last time I checked, this was America, and complimenting a lady ain't no crime, unless you touched her ass. You touched her ass, didint-chew?
Bobby: You bet I did.
SHH: Nuttin bogus bout that. Hey Ohhhh!!!
Sarah: I used to work with you and you got fired for asking my assistant Julie out 42 times in one week. And I'm speaking for all the women on this planet when I say that you should be locked up and put on display at the circus as the world's biggest pervert.
SHH: O......K......not really sure that diatribe constitutes a question......but......whatever.
Cindy: What does Sexual Harassment Harry do to unwind after a long day at the office?
SHH: I'm glad you asked Cindy. After I eat my Swanson's Hungry Man microwavable dinner, and wash it down with a Smirnoff Ice, I like to watch one of the DVD's from my Highlander collection and study Duncan MacLeod's every move. Everything you need to know about being cool can be found on those DVD's. And if you don't think the Highlander's style of cool is suitable to your personality (and honestly, there's only a handfull of us out there) then may I suggest you study up on the Renegade DVD series featuring Lorenzo Lamas as Reno Raines. In one week's time you'll be knee-high in Sexual Harassment Harry type action, and don't thank me for it, thank the Highhhhhh-lander.
Stewart: Have you ever thought of treating women with respect?
SHH: What?
Stewart: Never mind.
Jerry: Do you have any substitute words to use in place of boobies?
SHH: Sure do, Jerry. My favorites include, gazungazoids, hay-makers, the Tonka trucks, blousequetballs, nipplespheres, handcandy, the boys, the girls, droobies, chesticles, and a few more. If I told you all of them, I'd have to kill you.
Scott: Was there ever a time where you were like, "Yeah, that was definitely sexual harassment." Or do you deny everything you're accused of?
SHH: I'm usually a huge proponent of denial, but there was this one time I may have crossed the line. Yeah, I know, even Sexual Harassment Harry can get carried away sometimes, it happens to the best of us. Long story short, I asked a female co-worker if she wanted to have a banana in the breakroom (wink, wink). She accepted my offer and it would be safe to say that she and I were not on the same wavelength, at all. I'm not even sure the Highlander could have sweet talked his way out of exposing himself in a breakroom to a co-worker, or could he? I could have denied the whole thing, but unfortunately it was a setup from the very beginning and the she-devil took my picture at the exact moment I was releasing my one-eyed alibi from its zipper cage. It was the biggest office mishap I had ever been a part of since the time I invented loaferscopes. People claimed my device was designed to help me get a clear look-see under women's skirts, and they were right. But I blamed it all on the Gypsies and the issue magically went away. If I had a dime for everytime the Gypsies got me out of a jam I'd have enough money to buy a real Gypsy out of slavery and make him my personal unpaid assistant, yeah that would be awesome .
SHH: Well that's all for today boys and girls, and remember, when it comes to sexual harassment in the workplace, it's all relative.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:57 AM 
Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home
<< Home
