Thursday, June 15, 2006
Draft #114
Hucklebuck Records Presents: Dusty Barrington's Greatest Hits Collection
Hi. I'm a D-list celebrity who used to be a B-list celebrity and I'm here today to take you on a ride through the music collection of one of the most underrated country music stars of this or any generation, and of course, I'm referring to legendary singer/songwriter Dusty Barrington.
Dusty first burst onto the scene back in 1986 with his hit single, Liquored Up and Throwing Down. Finally, thanks to Dusty and his Dirt Road Bandits, drunks and scoundrels alike had a song they could call their own. Every shit hole and biker sty in the south would come alive as soon as this song came blaring out the jukebox. Lets take a listen:
I'm in bar
I'm itching for a fight
I'll bare knuckle box your face in
Until you lose your sight
I'll be drunk as hell
I'll be here all night
And if I were you
I'd get my ass outta town
Cuz in a minute I'll be all liquored up and throwing down
Ahhh, that really takes me back to my first barroom ass whooping. I must have made a pass at a woman who happened to be the date of a large individual named T-Bone, and the rest was history. T-Bone beat me until my organs were depleted of all saturation. The only thing I vaguely remembered once the vicious blows from T-Bone came raining down on me was the sight of my own teeth flying out of my mouth and the rugged sound of this American classic.
But this was just the beginning for Dusty and his band. They followed up their first hit single with this little number titled, She Sure Loves to Rassle. Now while this track never hit number one on the charts, it's popularity kept it in the top 10 for almost three months. If you had a girlfriend in the late 80's and she was as fiesty as a cornered raccoon, then this was probably her anthem:
My baby don't want no walk on the beach
She don't want no candle lit dinner
She's wants something that'll make her screech
Until there's absolutely nothing left in her
She wants it rough, and she likes it rowdy
There's just not enough room in the back of your Audi
And you better not be timid, she ain't lookin for unflappable
Cuz good God man, she sure loves to rassle
Now while my B-list celebrity status back in the 80's couldn't even get me laid, love was definitely in the air during those times. Dusty decided to chime in on this hotbed of love by showing a bit of a softer side with this hit single, I've Got a Six Pack and Two Minutes to Kill.
Baby you sure look pirdy there
With your bra strap showing, man it's just not fair
The way the suns glistening off your sweaty brow
I sure could think of something we could do right now
I've got a fire down below
And if you want I'll put on a show
So just lay back down and get ready for a thrill
Cuz I've got a six pack, and two minutes to kill
That song sure brings back memories, mostly of my first ex-wife though. She said that level of courtship would be considered romantic compared to the half-hearted effort I put into luring her into the bedroom. Apparently screaming out to your mate across the room, "Bitch, my nubbins need a rubbin!" ain't a great way to say I love you. Well Courtney, neither is shagging the mailman while I'm outta town auditioning for a movie role, you dirty whore!
Anywho....Mr. Barrington and company were getting older heading into the early 90's and members of the band were either starting to have kids or had children that were getting older. Their next big hit was about Dusty's son Bruce who had started to show signs of being just like his pappy. Personally, I never even got to see my daddy, he was the harmless victim of Niagra Falls barrel drop bet. And to make a long story short, daddy lost. But y'all don't care about my pappy, so here's Mr. B's 4th largest grossing single, My Boy:
Yo boy might be in the Eagle Scouts
Learning about knots and nature's hiking routes
And he might be able to read, write, and do arithmetic
But I bet he'll grow up, to be a fuckin prick
Thankfully my boy likes to eat worms and burn up ants
And every now and again, he'll accidentally piss in his pants
My boy likes rolling around in dirt and picking his nose
And telling his daddy, where the fudge and lemonade goes
Unfortunately for yours truely, I've never had the opportunity to procreate, but the song is heart warming none the less. Bruce is currently serving the remainder of his juvy hall sentence which he incurred two years ago after attempting to choke his geometry teacher once he discovered that he would not be completing the course with a passing grade. Hang in there Bruce, you're almost done.
And speaking of almost done, the newest and final song on the Dusty Barrington's Greatest Hits album has been causing quite a buzz. For the past six weeks, the song titled I Hate Yer Guts, has been flying up the charts and is well on its way to being number one. Inspired by Dusty's wife who left him after 17 years of marriage when she took off with a carnival worker named Skonk, this song is rapidly becoming one of my favorites. To my ex-wives #1, 2, and soon to be 3, this song is for you:
When I hear your name, I wonna beat the nearest Mexican
I hope you and your new man get swallowed whole, by an over-sized pelican
I can't stand you at all, the thought of you makes me vomit
I won't be missing your cookin', bitch can't even heat up a Hot Pocket
Oh I hate yer guts, everything about you is second rate
You ordered chicken tenders from Burger King, on our 1st date
Then you only ate two, and had the nerve to throw the rest away
And I've been hating yer guts, ever since that day
Yeah I hate yer guts, and that's all there is to say
See you in hell Dornettta!
Well that's all for our trip through the land of Dusty Barrington's Greatest Hits, I hope you enjoyed the ride. Remember, you can't find this collection of music in stores, so don't try to because you ain't gonna find it. This exclusive album is only available through Hucklebuck Records, Time Life music, participating Speedway gas stations, and is free when you make a donation of $10.99 or more to your nearest Threshold. Operators are standing by, so call now.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:37 AM 
