Monday, June 19, 2006
Draft #116
Outline of Saturday activities for the 2006 Dunkel County Fair:
Gates open at 9:00am.
10:00am- The Arnold Plumbing "I'm So Hungover" contest: Last year's winner Billy Merkwith takes on all comers again and will try to repeat last year's all nighter performance which captured him the crown. While Dunkel County law enforcers do not condone drinking until your blood alcohol level reaches the coveted .29 mark, they also know what it will take to beat last year's winner. And that is why the Dunkel County Sheriffs Department will be sponsoring the "Sleep for Free" hay bin located just outside the main concourse gates.
10:30am- Simmon's Dentistry "Manure Identification" contest: Do you know your way around a farm? Do you love barnyard animals? Can you stand the raw stench of manure? Do you have a sharp and distinct nose for different forms of animal refuse? Do you have little to no shame? Then maybe you should become a participant in the Manure Identification contest. All manure samplings will be restricted to farm animals only, so don't worry about whether or not you may be underqualified. No experience needed, all talent levels welcome. Manure isn't about whether who wins or loses, it's all about having fun.
11:00am- The Cheffler's Market "Corncob Skills" challenge: If you thought corn was just for eating, then think again. This contest showcases a variety of talents. The first category, the barrel toss, tests participates accuracy in the field of corncob tossing. The contestant must toss a cob into a barrel located 5, 10, 15, 20, and 25 yards away before his opponent does, in order to win. The second category is the long distance corncob punting contest. Pretty self explanatory, the person to punt the cob of corn the farthest, wins. The third and most popular category is the silo toss, in which participants must toss as many cobs of corn as they can into the top of a 30 foot silo in 2 minutes.
*Last years fourth and most controversial category, the corncob in the cornhole contest has been expunged from the skills challenge lineup for a variety of reasons that we are not at liberty to discuss.
11:30am- Norfson's Tatoos "Three-regged Resbian Relay Race" contest: Come and watch Dunkel County's finest carpet munching, Harley riding, mullet sporting, sleeveless, leather wearing, strapped on, mud-flapper-slappers compete in the most grueling of events, the 3-legged race. Unlike most three-legged relays, these powerful farm dykes are required to push a midget in a wheelbarrow to help complicate the contest because after all, Dunkel County has some of the strongest and most skilled She-men in all the land, and just a plain, normal, everyday three-legged race wouldn't do them justice.
Noon- Grandpa Milton's Feedbag Funhouse power hour: For one hour only, all the menu items in Grandpa Milton's tent are half price. From deep-fried moon pies to beer battered Butterfingers, all items will be reasonably priced. Never had a double-churro burger with nacho cheese and strawberries? Then come on down. Does a caramel dipped hot dog sound like something you might like? Then come on down. If you miss out on Grandpa's famous peanut butter n' mustard calzones, you'll be kicking yourself for weeks, so come on down and taste all the fun.
1:00pm- Community Memorial's free VD screenings- located in a van behind the silo toss.
1:30pm- Dunkel County elderly spelling bee.
2:00pm- Gellmer's Gas Stop "Toenail" contest: Enter in any of the four categories; length, filthiness, most unidentifiable fungis, and worst smell.
2:30pm- Randy Smitherson's Gashouse Gang: Will be performing on the mainstage next to the snow cone tent. Randy promises a seven play super set so long as drummer Waylon Pinkston can go the distance. And if last year was any indication, he probably won't.
3:00pm- Aunt Edna's used underwear auction-benefits the Aunt Edna's 30 cats, food fund.
3:30pm- Sheriff's Round Up- Cuff'em and Club'em. Aunt Edna's used underwear auction is just a setup to lure in the county's finest perverts, pedophiles, and undy sniffers. Receive a temporary law enforcement badge and club for only $10.00 and help get rid of our county's trash........well you know.......the weird, freaky trash.
4:00pm- Brief intermission for completion of farming chores. The only thing running will be the ferris wheel (ferris wheel operation hours dependent on the court ordered random field sobriety tests that will be given to Jethro by the sheriff's department throughout the day. We don't want a repeat of last year's incident). Ride at own risk.
6:00pm- Bring your own cup hour at the Hiltower Farm Equipment Rentals Beer Tent- No drinking device will be refused from 6pm-7pm. $15.00 a pour.
7:00pm- Gerth Brooks performs his greatest hits live and in concert.
9:00pm- Rascal Phlatts perform their greatest hits live and in concert.
10:30pm- The Discount Pornography Shack presents: The 7th Annual Wet Overalls contest. New to this year, the wet flannel division.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 10:50 AM 
