Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Draft #122
Things guys have done to win the favor of Ivanka Trump:
-Ted Aposial from Kentucky UPS'ed his lifetime collection of earwax he kept in a jar to Trump enterprises with a note that read, "To you I give my most prized possession, and if you promise to be mine, I will give you even more." Enclosed with the note was a photo of Ted riding his tractor and on the tractor there was a sign that read, "Ivanka ride you all day."
-Billy Cranebridge from Maine sent Ivanka a box of lobsters enclosed with a note that read, "If you thought lobsters turned really red once they got cooking, just give me five minutes."
-Eric Tahowski from Idaho threatened to eat an entire jar of peanuts if Ivanka didn't agree to go on a date with him. Eric is allergic to peanuts. Ivanka never called. Funeral services for Eric will be held on Saturday.
-Larry Spackowitz from Illinois toilet papered Ivanka's mansion and later offered to clean up the mess if she agreed to go on a date with him. And when asked how he knew that Ivanka's living quarters had been vandalized, Larry simply replied, "Ah.....biscuits n' gravy, that was a bad idea."
-Hunter Mendix from Nebraska attempted to lift 700 pounds over his head as apart of his "Ivanka Pump You Up" campaign. Thinking this display of grand physical strength would impress the fair Ivanka, Hunter went ahead with his challenge and failed miserably. Hunter completely tore his dorphineaus muscle and suffered minor tears to both his upper and lower trapinoids AND lateral deltinoids. Hunter will be in traction for 6-10 months.
-Bart Grundefeldt of Ohio shaved his eight cats (Whiskers, Brownie, Poochie, Ceasar, Newman, Karch, Sty, and Holly) in an effort to construct a fancy coat for Miss Trump. Once the eight cats were all shaved, Bart noticed there wasn't enough hair to make a coat so he decided to make her a purse. But then Bart soon discovered he didn't know how to sew, so he settled on making a ball of hair using masking tape and rubber bands. Bart is semi-retarded.
-Terry Krendleton of Delaware was convinced that if he drank 12 Big Gulp slurpies in a row that Ivanka may be impressed with his feat and then immediately inquire about his dating status. But before he could mail the video of himself splurging on slurpies, Terry was rushed into the hospital to have his exploded pancreas repaired. Terry shivered for two straight weeks and suffered from numerous hallucinations involving Charles Bronson.
-Harry Narkfield of Arizona took Jared Fogle of Subway hostage and threatened to mess him up really, really bad unless Ivanka Trump promised to marry him. No one has seen Jared Fogle since. And the town of Andy-ville rejoiced for they would not have to look at or hear from their town's sworn enemy ever again.
-Bob Ransberry of Oklahoma offered up his wife, his first and third born, a fattened calf, two paper clips, and a Gander Mountain catalog in exchange for one weekend with Trump's daughter. Bob is not well-liked amongst his family right now and is a very lonely man. The settlement on his divorce case is currently pending on whether or not they can prove that kids 4-6 were actually fathered by Bob.
-Riley Pirt of Minnesota attempted to parachute his way into Ivanka's heart by dropping in on a party she was hosting on the grounds of one of her father's 600 mansions. Riley had visions of Ivanka running into his arms and immediately professing her love for him (after all, who wouldn't fall in love with a complete stranger who crashed your party via parachute). But those visions of love quickly turned into visions of horror as Riley began losing control of his parachute and started heading towards the grounds of a nearby rehabilitation center for crazy pitbulls with anger management issues. Poor Riley was nearly mauled to death before he even hit the ground.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 6:41 AM 
