Thursday, July 13, 2006
Draft #123
Important lessons in hobo etiquetteNever, under any circumstances.........
-tease a hobo. They are a surly breed of vagabond that will not hesitate to stab you with a broken light bulb when antagonized. They already know they're poor, smell god aweful, and are ragged in appearance. No need to further their already lowly disposition, after all, you know how ornery YOU get when you haven't eaten for a few days, hours, and in some cases, minutes. And yes, kicking counts as teasing. And just because a hobo lives in a box next to the dumpster, that doesn't give you the right to urinate on this property, even if his feet are hanging out of the box and he's passed out.
-throw loose change directly at a hobo. Customarily, a hobo will provide pedestrians with an open guitar case, or an old plastic cup so you are able to conveniently deposit your donation in a central location. These hobos have most likely abandoned their active begging days, and have resigned themselves to the lifestyle of the lazy bum, so lets not make them work too hard. And while striking a hobo in the forehead with a quarter sounds like a great way to have fun, in theory, it is actually behavior that is considered quite unbefitting of a gentleman or gentle lady.
-steal the donation bin of a hobo while he is sleeping. That is just distasteful, unless, you yourself are a hobo, then I imagine stealing is just a part of the hobo code of survival. Many have asked if it is OK to steal a cup full of coins from a hobo while he is sleeping, if indeed your intention is to hide around the nearest corner just to see how the victimized hobo reacts. And while this action may be better than actually stealing the hobo's income to pay for YOUR next meal at Ponderosa, it is none the less, a cowardly act. If it is your intention to return the money, remember this, hobos are very prone to spitting. Pranksters beware!
-give more than $3 to a hobo. Most people are under the impression that hobos use your generous donations to save up for business suits that could be used to gain future employment, certain educational devices, or perhaps even food. But the cold harsh reality of the situation, is that most hobos use your hard earned money to buy drugs and/or alcohol. Sure, they've been urinating in the same trousers for 5 weeks now, but a new pair of slacks is the last thing on their list of immediate purchases. All they want to do is refill that empty crack pipe or rusty flask with something that gives them a little "pick me up". And in the most extreme of immoral cases, they quickly re-donate your donation to one of their well-liked business associates who typically conduct their "business" in the back of a car or a dark vacant alley. So please, keep your donations to a minimum.
-look a hobo directly in the eye. Now I'm not saying you will turn into stone by doing so, but looking a hobo in the eye is almost the equivalent to eating a loaf of bread in front of a flock of seagulls. You're just asking for it.
-allow your daughter to marry a hobo. Hobos are naturally filthy and carry many diseases, some of which have yet to be named by the medical industry. One of the common diseases that hobos carry is referred to in the streets as "gimphorrea"- a venereal disease that causes the female recipient to loose one or both legs to gangrenous conditions. Another side effect of gimphorrea is the enlargement of the female genitalia. It swells to nearly 4 times the normal size and in isolated situations, the vaginal area will develop tusks. Strangely enough, this crippling disease does not effect the male species, eventhough they represent the vast majority of carriers of the disease. So unless you want your daughter to end up a one-legged monster with tusks growing out of her freakishly over-sized vagina, then I strongly urge you keep her away from hobos, no matter how cute or cuddly they may appear to be. It's just not worth the risk.
-feed a hobo. Most hobos, due to years of malnutrition, have developed a deficiency towards common ingredients found in simple foods. A mere deep-fried appetizer like breaded zuccini could send a hobo into a seizure, cardiac arrest, or in some cases a coma. One second, you and a hobo are sharing a plate of chicken alfredo at your favorite restaurant and the next, your new friend is flailing around on the ground like a madman abruptly disturbing the other diners. Then the manager comes out and starts questioning who is responsible for bringing a wild hobo into his establishment, and of course, everyone is pointing at you. Now you have to drag a hobo out of the restaurant like an orangutang dragging a drunken sea otter along the shoreline. You finally drop the hobo back in the nearby alley where you found him and then a cop taps you on the shoulder and asks, "What's going on here?" Of course the cop has only been watching you from the time you violently/accidentally smacked the hobo's head on a fire hydrant until now when you just tossed him in the alley. You, being lazy, unconditioned, and out of breath, are unable to properly answer the policeman. So he arrests you on the spot for suspicion of murder and now you're on your way to the bighouse and for what? Just because you wanted to help a hobo? You know better.
There you have it folks, seven simple rules to ensure saftey from the evil grip of the hobo. As long as you don't tease, piss on, steal from, generously donate to, look at, marry, or feed a hobo, you should be fine.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:35 AM 
Comments:
<< Home
I guess it depends on how drunk you are. But I've heard that the female hobo's with the missing teeth are very talented, smelly, but talented.
Post a Comment
<< Home
