Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Draft #126
Julia Frepps turned her back for what appeared to be just a minute, and the next thing she knew, her son Bobby was being dragged into a nearby building by a strange man.
Sensing that a hostage situation was just around the corner, Julia decided against running after her son and made a call to the police department for help instead.
After a 35 minute wait, the police arrived in droves. By this time, the strange man had perched himself on top of the building, clutching young Bobby with one hand, and pointing a gun at him with the other.
The police were able to establish communication with the crazy man to see what he wanted in return for Bobby's safety, and before the strange man was able to start listing his requests, the squad turned things over to their main man, Pete Spader..........The Shitty Negotiator!!
Pete: Alright, listen up you crazy lunatic, let me make a few things clear to you. 1) I am your worst fuckin' nightmare, and 2) You are completely surrounded, one false move and we take you down like a sack full of wooden door knobs.
Strange man: Well let me make a few things clear to you copper!! You don't give me what I want, and I completely redecorate the rooftop with little Bobby's brains. And I ain't playin'.
Pete: Ok, let's just calm down, I'm sure we can help you get what you're looking for. What exactly are you looking for?
Strange man: I'm gonna need a chopper. And in the chopper I want a briefcase filled with $158, 467. And I need a clean get away, and a passport.
Pete: Is that all?
Strange man: I'm also going to need a car waiting for me just outside the Mexican border. And in the car I want a dozen Krispy Kremes. I love Krispy Kremes damn it, they're fuckin' delicious!!
Pete: All right, just to make sure I got everything. You want a popcorn popper filled with cash, a green bean souffle', a pack of Newports, a mini-bar, and a dozen monkey spleens.
Strange man: What?!?!
Pete: Fine, you wonna play hardball, we'll play hardball. We'll give you a whole carton of Newport 100's, but that's it, we're not bending.
Strange man: I don't want any cigarettes you old kook. I'm giving you one hour (currently 2:00pm) to deliver the helicopter and the cash before I grind this kid's legs into a pulp.
Pete: That's a no go with the helicopter, the best we can do is a hang glider and $500 in traveler's checks.
Strange man: What about the get away car and the Krispy Kremes?
Pete: Yeah about that. Ricardo (a nearby teenager just taking in the standoff) here has agreed to give you a ride on the back of his motor scooter, but he won't be able to make it to Mexico until sometime next week, he needs to ask his mom first. Is that going to work? And the Krispy Kreme shop is closed, so we got you a box of Little Debbie Snacks.
Strange man: What kind?
Pete: Swiss cake rolls.
Strange man: Come on Pete!! That's bush league and you know it! Do you actually want to explain to Bobby's mother that her son died because your ignorant ass couldn't find some donuts? You've got 45 minutes Pete, and for the sake of Bobby, you and your team better start bending or you can kiss his ass goodbye.
(2:30 now)
Pete: Ok......... me and the boys have been talking and we've got a new deal. We'll give you a parachute and in it you'll find a $50 prepaid taxicab card. All you have to do is jump off the building and once you land safely, the taxi will take you as far as the $50 will go. Once you give us the signal that your cab ride is complete, we will then be allowed to hunt you down. Bear in mind, you will be given a headstart.
Strange man: You know Pete, I would be taking the kid with me as I parachuted down to the street. So if it was part of your plan to give me a faulty parachute, the boy would consequently die as well.
Pete: Damn it!!!! He has us at every turn.
Strange man: You have 25 minutes.
(Pete's new proposal comes at 2:50)
Pete: All right. We pulled some strings and got you the helicopter. There's no way we can give that much money up front to a potential murderer. You can have either the lump sum of $50,000 or the 12 year annual payout of $4,000? The getaway car is more of a go-cart. It's not like you need a passport to get into Mexico, and honestly we'd be glad to ship you there, if you promised never to come back. As for the Krispy Kremes, NO DEAL!! How does that strike your fancy?
Strange man: Listen up Pete. I told you what I wanted, and so far, you haven't even come close. And unless your boy Bobby here learns how to fly within the next couple of minutes, I'm afraid things are going to get real messy, real quick.
Pete: You wouldn't.
Strange man: I would.
Pete: Damn you!!
Julia: Mr. Spader, do what the man says!
Pete: I think I know what I'm doing woman.
Julia: That's funny, because from here you look more like an incompetent jackass who doesn't have a clue as to what he is doing. That's my boy up there!
Pete: I'm doing the best I can, this isn't exactly my field of expertise.
Julia: What!?!?
Pete: Now ain't the time for splitting hairs Mrs. Frepps. (under his breath as he leans in towards a fellow cop named Tommy- them women are all the same, never happy. I could pull the kid down here with a magic lasso and she'd bitch about his shirt having too many lasso burns)
Pete: Hey Tommy, what time is it?
Tommy: It's 3:07 boss, why you asking?
Pete: You sure you got the time right?
Tommy: Boss, it's a watch, not a nuclear reactor.
Pete: I'm sorry, it's just this broad over here, she's been busting my balls now for over an hour. I gotta go back to writing parking tickets, this high pressure shit just ain't for me.
Tommy: I hear ya.
Pete: You wonna go get some coffee?
Tommy: Ah what the hell, why not.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:41 AM 
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Ballbach, what are you doing on Saturday, August 19th? That is the day we are going on a boat cruise/tour thing of some of the breweries in Milwaukee and there is an open seat available if you would like to hop on.
SO nate tells me it's your Birthday. I hope you are having a wonderful day and next time I'm there I'll be sure to deliver some spankings! Oh yeah and I also agree with Madden on just throwing the cell phone into the lake before you ever even start....it will save some black eyes later. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
# posted by 
: 8:38 AM
: 8:38 AM
And remember Michelle, birthday or no birthday, giving or receiving, the spanking offer is always on the table.
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