Thursday, July 20, 2006
Draft #127
My fictional friend Steve is what many consider to be, a picky man. He doesn't like onions, cold noodle dishes, rerun episodes of M.A.S.H., pea soup, mosquitoes, guacamole, democrats, hippies, sugar free ice cream, gravel driveways, missing person notices, long lines, loosely wrapped burritos, humidity, the evening news, ant hills, fish bones, soccer, board games, poker, runny mac n' cheese, the 1997 Florida Marlins, Miracle Whip, large dogs, kites, baked beans, lottery tickets, and Lucy from Peanuts. I agreed with Steve on not liking Lucy from Peanuts because that broad is a stone cold bitch. But looking back on Steve's dating history, it becomes very evident that his pickiness isn't just confined to life outside of women. To illustrate my point, here is a laundry list of reasons why Steve has broken up with certain woman (these circumstances are on an individual basis, each instance represents a different girl):
-One girl liked flowers too much. She had flower patterns on her dresses, her purse, her plates, her curtains, her bedspread, the tablecloth, a tatoo of one on her ankle, decals on her car and all over her room. It was more than he could handle, so he sent her packing.
Other reasons for certain girls included:
-she chewed her gum too loud
-she didn't smile enough
-she had more than one uterus
-she couldn't name even one of the members of the Brewers retired number club
-she smoked two packs a day
-she smelled like turnips
-her shoulders were too large and unsymmetrical
-she was a Rod Stewart fan
-she had a bumper sticker collection
-she didn't know the capital of New Hampshire
-she had more than three speeding tickets
-she could eat an entire pizza without blinking
-she threw like a pansy
-her knees were too chubby
-she starred in too many x-rated films
-she opened her cereal boxes upside down
-she beat him up
-she would count from 10 to 1 whenever she got mad and he got tired of figuring out why
-she liked pot roast the way most girls like ice cream
-she honestly thought Elvis was still alive
-she had a twitch
-she had a cowbell that she would keep in the middle of her kitchen table, and she would ring it just before every meal, even if he was already sitting down at the table
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:25 AM 
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Haus, I don't know what you are talking about, Steve and I are complete polar opposites of each other.
And between the dell computer, the digital camera, and my Honeywell fan. My copy Nate Filzen spree is almost complete. Alls I need now, is for someone to punch me in the face and I should be all set.
And between the dell computer, the digital camera, and my Honeywell fan. My copy Nate Filzen spree is almost complete. Alls I need now, is for someone to punch me in the face and I should be all set.
I'z broke up wit a girly cuz it turned out she waz ma cousin. After 2 weeks, we'z was back togutha.
# posted by 
: 12:39 PM
: 12:39 PM
A girl once broke up with me because she said that she doesn't date guys with small intestines that are as big as their large intestines. What a whore!
# posted by : 12:45 PM
: 12:45 PM
Ballbach, I'm glad my training classes have paid off. Now, if I could just turn you on to Bud Light and the Cubs!
Oh, and don't forget, you need a big Hamilton Beach (Foreman style) grill to make your quesadillas on from now on. I can't believe that you tried making those in the microwave, what were you thinking?!?!?
Apparently I just preferred the taste of a hard and dry tortilla. Thanks for steering me out of the dark on that one.
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