Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Draft #129
Chris Spensworth just bombed his first public speaking engagement and his friend Dave was there to console him.Dave: For starters, you can stop shaking now, you're all done, the speech is over.
Chris: I know, it's just that I'm so nervous yet. Do you think anyone noticed?
Dave: You mean besides the part of the speech where you simultaneously peed your pants and puked on the podium, then slipped on the puke and then hit your head on the corner of the podium, and then passed out on stage with the cut on your head still bleeding? I'd say besides that, you were in complete control. For the most part.
Chris: Ah man, was it that bad?
Dave: Come on, what was with your whole obsession with fava beans? How was that at all relevant to improving child care in the inner city?
Chris: I don't know. I just thought maybe the beans represented the youth and how...........Ugh! I'm such an idiot!
Dave: Seriously though, you've got problems. Was this your first time speaking in public? It has to be, it's the only logical explanation for why you'd pause for station identification in the middle of your speech. That was pathetic. You're not a radio station, you're a bumbling buffoon.
Chris: You try entertaining a packed house full of stiffs.
Dave: Packed house? There was like 30 people there. What were you so nervous about? You were rocking up against the podium so hard I thought it was going to light a cigarette after your speech and ask if it could see you sometime.
Chris: It was that bad?
Dave: It depends if you consider monster pit-stains to be worse than dry humping a podium?
Chris: Damn you, overactive apocrine glands!! I can't control that though, it's natural.
Dave: Are you referring to the unconsious hip gyrations or the uncontrollable sweating?
Chris: The sweating.
Dave: Your level of perspiration is not natural. Maybe if you're giving birth to a rhino after an hour of gorging yourself at the "all you can eat" burrito shack, then maybe that's teetering on natural or excusable. But I don't even think what you were doing up there can be considered sweating, it's like someone punctured a water balloon or something.
Chris: Well besides the swaying, sweating, peeing, puking, and bleeding, you have to admit, it was a pretty good speech.
Dave: Are you kidding me? I've run into goats with better diction than you. I'm pretty sure Dikembe Mutombo underwater has a better chance of getting his point across than you did today. By the way, what was your point?
Chris: That the daycares need better funding alternatives?
Dave: Are you asking me?
Chris: No!
Dave: Better funding? If the point of your speech was for better funding, then what was with the half an hour schpeel on proper baby rocking techniques?
Chris: Counting sheep always worked for me.
Dave: So did eating 2 cheeseburgers before bedtime, ya big lug.
Chris: Yeah, that helped. Ketchup makes me tired.
Dave: Opening the mail makes you tired.
Chris: I should open your mail.
Dave: What was that?
Chris: Nothing.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 11:23 AM 
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I posted yesterday 7/31, but haven't even tried today. I suspect terrorism though, flee the left coast immediately.
Hopefully with the picture was an attached note reading, "For a good time, call (enter Pat's cell #)."
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