Wednesday, August 09, 2006

 

Draft #133


Forward this e-mail to everyone you know:

Whenever I receive an e-mail of this nature I instantly want to vomit on my pants. How big of an idiot to you have to be? (the following is an example of how an idiot might respond to chain mail) What? Bill Gates is really handing out multi-thousand dollar checks to just anybody who forwards this e-mail? Sounds reasonable, after all he is a billionaire. Wow, this doesn't seem at all impossible. Who knew my sweaty ass and quick mouse clicking trigger would come in handy someday? I sent the message to all five of my friends and if they forward it to at least two people apiece, I'm going to be sitting pretty. I might be able to quit my job down at the crate factory and I'll finally be able to afford that Superman cheez whiz dispenser I've had my eyes on for three years but have been unable to purchase due to the lofty phone sex bills I've accumulated in that same timeframe.

If you were or are still stupid enough to fall for the example above, here are a couple of other scenarios that might cause you to forward an e-mail:

-My cousin Betty just sent me an e-mail during her trip to China, and she alerted me to some startling news. Apparently, the Chinese government has three baby panda bears locked up in guillotines somewhere in Shanghai. These cruel and nasty government officials have vowed to behead the poor baby pandas unless this e-mail gets forwarded to over 1,000 people. Please send this to as many people as you can so the pandas don't die such a horrible death.

-When I first got this e-mail I didn't believe it either, but then I tried it anyway. And I'm here to tell you that it actually works! My cousin Billy had a flaccid penis for almost two straight years. The doctors said he might never dry hump a park bench ever again. Having exhausted every medical option, he had nowhere else to turn. That was until, we came across an e-mail from someone who was suffering from saggy sausage syndrome. You may have heard of this condition by it's more popular street name, permanent whiskey wanker. In any event, Billy summoned the healing powers of the internet and forwarded this sad message via e-mail in hopes of getting it sent back to him someday. And wouldn't you know it, two days after he had this message sent back to him, he achieved a boner the size of a Himalayan bus driver. So if you suffer from SSS or PWW (and even if you don't) please forward this e-mail to as many people as possible, your next evening alone with a rerun episode of the Golden Girls and a half empty bottle of Lubriderm may be counting on it.

The overall basic message boys and girls, is that chain mails are evil. And please do me a favor, those of you who still blindly forward meaningless piles of internet refuse my way, don't threaten me with what will happen if I don't continue your chain of lies. I never forward chain messages and so far I haven't been attacked by a flock of flying monkies, my nose hairs haven't randomly self combusted leading to my frontal lobe being charred, my car hasn't been overtaken by evil spirits only to be crashed into a Dairy Queen, and my small intestines haven't been forcefully ripped out of my arse by a two headed lepricon with a stuttering problem. Sure, these misfortunes may have been promised to me, but no chain mail threat has actually delivered.

So if you've gotten on board about 3 or 4 years ago and are able to delete these types of e-mails without reading them because you can actually see the steam coming off of the heading, then good for you. To the rest of y'all, stop trying to heal/save the world one forward at a time. Rather, do us all a favor and stick your head in a toaster.


# posted by hucklebuck @ 11:23 AM
Comments:
Damnit! I was still waiting for my GAP gift card.
# posted by Blogger Lauren : 9:04 AM
 
Backup janitor? You've come a long way since your days as assistant manure disposal coordinator at the Ozaukee County Fair.

The Gap gift cards usually take 5-12 years for delivery, so hang in there. By then, 20 dollars will enable you to purchase a sleeve or 4 inches worth of skirt. Enjoy.
# posted by Blogger hucklebuck : 6:54 AM
 
You have an outstanding good and well structured site. I enjoyed browsing through it » » »
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 4:23 AM
 
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